61. In - Dependence

Chapter Soundtrack:

Battleme - Hey Hey My My

(SOA soundtrack)

Dedicated to RosieToovey for the song selection!

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If you want to read the Conrad & Rasheeda love scene, its available in my private chapters book as titled, Conrad + Rasheda. Its purely optional. :)

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Hey!

Please delete the book from your library then search it and reload it because when i edit chapters, it wont show songs or the edits unless you reload the book! Thanks :)

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Nova

Cold. Dark.

The bone chilling water seemed to take my breath as i searched.. the water was too dark for me to see beneath its surface and i was losing air.

Pushing myself back up, i popped above the surface, screaming at the top of my lungs, "help!!!" Then i took another lung full of air and plunged back into the cold water, frantically searching for Grace.

I swam deeper.. reaching the bottom as my hands searched.. finally coming in contact with luke warm skin. Immediately i grabbed, realising it was Grace's arm and pulled her with me as i fought my way to the surface. I was running out of air myself.. my lungs threatening to collapse as I struggled with Grace's dead weight to the top.

Breaking the surface, i inhaled as if i was taking my first breath, pulling a limp Grace with me as my limbs, numb from the water.. swam up to the shore.. struggling.

I finally made it to the shallow end, standing up i picked grace up bridal style, her head lulling back.. skin turning blue against the moonlight.

I threw myself on the bank with her in lightning speed, my body freezing as my hands shook violently.. smoothing the mass of blonde wet hair out of her face.. her skin so pale. Blue tinged lips graced her lifeless form.

"Grace! No!" I screamed, frantically pressing my hands to her chest just below her breasts. I pumped a few times before breathing into her mouth while i positioned her head back, pinching her nose.

Nothing.

Tears began to well in my eyes. This couldn't be how the moon takes this she wolf.

Another round.. pumping.. breathing into her mouth.

Suddenly cold water was coming out of her mouth as she choked, spitting it up before thrashing to her side.. hands gripping me as she coughed violently.

Relief swept through me instantly but anger coursed through my veins as i grabbed her shoulders.. her eyes finding mine.. disappointment in them as she groaned.

"Why Nova!? Why do i always get saved!? Why couldn't you just let me die!" She sobbed.. "im tired. Im so tired..." her cries were hoarse..her throat raw from the cold water she inhaled.

"No!" I let go of one of her shoulders, slapping her across the face in anger before grabbing her up, shaking her violently as her eyes went wide with fear. "Stop Grace!!! Stop it!!!! Stop being so selfish! Your father just got you back and its killed him with what he has done to you!! Dont you dare try thinking of hurting him this way!! He loves you! You are all he has!!!! Stop freaking out about Nic and Eden! Just stop! I never killed myself did i!?" I shook her shoulders with every scream into her face as i kneeled soaking wet and freezing above her. My anger was being ubleashed.

"You haven't even tried! Youve been sheltered your whole life Grace! But now it's time to stop!! Fight Grace! Fight for what you believe in! For what you want! Stop being so weak!!!! You dont just give up because thats the selfish way out! I know you cant handle the emotions but talk to someone! Train! Do something besides feel sorry for yourself! A mate bond isnt the end of the fùçking world!!" My voice hoarse with how hard i was screaming.

She looked up at me with wide brown eyes.. as if she were seeing me for the first time.

My jaw clenched. I was fed up with these wolves trying to take the easy way out... it wasnt easy by a long shot. It was selfish. "You wont be doing that again Grace." My glare and the cold wind had her shaking.

Feet snapping twigs came near and i whipped my head around just in time to see Conrad coming out if the trees with Axe and another one if his trusted wolves by his side.

Realisation at what he had seen.. what he had heard, finally clicked and he dropped to his knees before us.. seeming helpless .

"Grace, why?" His voice trembled.. he was so vulnerable. "Because of the mate bond? Grace dont.." a tear left his tortured eyes as he crawled to us.. his large frame still looming over me even on his knees.

I leaned away to give them a moment, he sent me a thankful glance before focusing on Grace.. holding her to him as she cried. "Stop Grace. I want you to stop!" He bellowed, crying as she melted down.

It was too much for me.. i let my emotions flood outward and wound up crying too. Axe had blankets in his hands.. one of which he was wrapping around me and i turned, thanking him as i peered back to the scene before me with blurry eyes.

Conrad scooped a sobbing Grace in his arms, lifting her up as i came to wrap her up in the other wool blanket. Conrads tearful midnight eyes met mine. "Thank you.. for saving her." Those eyes sparkled with unshed tears, ready to fall again at any given moment.

With a curt nod and a tight smile, i stepped away, giving them alone time as Grace cried painfully into his chest.. him carrying her back to the packhouse with qui

ck steps.. holding her tight.

The other male sent me a nod before leaving.. Axe turned to me with a forlorn expression. "Nova.. you'll never know how much you saved not only Grace.. but Alpha Conrad as well.  Youre a good female." He squeezed my shoulder giving me a tight smile as i huddled into the wool blanket around my shoulders.

He turned, following their path and i was left with my thoughts as i shivered from the cold.

Am i a good wolf?

What just happened?

Was Grace that far gone in her mind that everything in her body screamed at her to end it? Zaryn had become that way as well....

With a shaky sigh, i inhaled.. walking off toward the packhouse.. ready to take a hot shower and pretend like this didnt happen.. my thoughts were a whirlwind of what ifs.

I now understood what Grace meant earlier .. when she asked me to be there for Conrad. She was going to kill herself.. or try... gazing out at the pond the whole time. Her mind is a shell of what it used to be..

It seems like people save me... and now im saving someone i never thought i would. I just hope she takes my advice.. get physically stronger.. cover the pain with more pain for now. Until she can deal with it.

You cant even deal with your emotional pain yourself. My subconscience told me.

I dont want my brother to lose his mate.

Mates are a sacred gift and anyone can be redeemed.

So can our mate..

My subconscious is really at it tonight.

After pulling my shivering body through the doors at the pack house.. wolves giving me curious glances.. alarmed expressions as im sure they have already witnessed Conrad carrying Grace to the clinic.. i trudged upstairs to my room.. taking a hot shower.. as hot as i could get it. Dressing in some sweat pants and a hoodie afterwards.

I just needed to sleep. I felt numb from the cold as well as from a few truths my conscience and my wolf have spat at me tonight...

I need to figure myself out.

Decide what i feel about my own mate.

Even i can agree they are sacred.

Zaryn's image popped into my mind and i had a flashback.. one of where we were younger..

When i was only 10 and he was 14. He thought he was so grown then.. still as handsome as he has always been. But figured he was too old to play with Deacon and i anymore.

He had always caught my eye.

Deacon was always my best friend.. i hate i couldn't come to his funeral but it was too much.. but back then.. Deacon and i were inseparable. I would even stay the night over at their house.. my eyes secretly always wandered over to Zaryn who would always be staring at me.. with Nic by his side as they laughed at Deacon and I. But Zaryn.. he would always laugh.. then give me this look.. i had a crush on him even then.

The day a skinned my knee from falling down the front steps at the pack house.. Nic and Deacon laughed at my clumsiness but Zaryn.. zaryn rushed to the ten year old me.. picking me up in his arms as he took me inside while our brothers continued to play ball.

He sat me down.. my crush on him so much at the time.. his eyes so blue i remembered wondering which crayola crayon they would most likely be and decided there wasnt a crayon pretty enough to be his eye color. A mix between sky blue, robins egg, with a crystal overlay.

He fixed my skinned knee up. Spraying disinfectant on it.. blowing at the bloody scrape to dry the liquid before gently spreading on some ointment and letting me pick out my band aid. I always wanted the blue bandaid because they reminded me of his eyes but i never told him that.

He would clean me up.. place the bad aid on my knee before kissing my boo boo and telling me his kisses were magic.. like mom and dads. That i would feel better in no time.

I smiled to myself as the memory came forth inside my mind, sleep taking me over before the worry over Grace and Conrad could set in.

Zaryn's kisses really always were magic.

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Morning came quickly.

The first thought as i sprung out of bed, was if Grace was okay.. and if Conrad needed to talk. They were both a wreck last night.

Yes. I admit that i was jealous over him not spending any time with me in order to spend time with another she wolf but not in a romatic sort of jealousy.. it was a jealousy that friends get when their friend hangs out more with another friend. A sort of alone feeling.. it felt like i was being shoved aside.

I couldn't explain it because i have only ever had two best friends... but it was a jealousy none the less and i shouldn't feel that way but I do

I slipped on a pair of socks and my Nikes after my morning ritual of freshening up , glancing at the clock as i grabbed the door knob to leave.

5:00am.

No one would even be up...aside from the warriors who wanted to train early.

I opened the door slowly, peeking out before sliding into the hallway, closing the door soundlessly behind me.

Just as it closed, the door across the hall from me was opening and i turned just in time to see Rasheda slinking out of Conrads room.. the dress she had on the night before all wrinkled.. her stilletos hanging from her fingers and her hair all mussed up.. smelling of Conrad and sèx.

Anger rolled through me. The audacity of him.. his own daughter nearly killing herself last night yet he made time to have an all nighter with this female? Who the hell was with Grace?

Her eyes met mine as she turned, her hand going to her chest as she gasped.. honey eyes widening. "Oh my gosh! You scared me!" A smile broke free and she seemed a bit embarassed at getting caught.

Folding my arms, i studied her with narrowed eyes, "why isnt Conrad with Grace? She almost died last night..." i tried to keep the venom out of my voice and succeeded. He is acting as if he's the only one who matters lately.

Her brow rose.. seeming uncomfortable. "Um.. well.. he was with her. All night. He came back around 3am to get some sleep and to talk for a little while." Her expression changed.. one of softness. "Give him a break Nova.. he has a lot on his mind right now. Grace has him worried sick. He cares. Trust me. He just.. needs something to take his mind off of things like most males do." Her lips pressed together in a tight lipped smile before she turned away, her hips swaying as she waltzed down the hallway to the stairs.

Am i being that blind? Am i being too judgmental?

And Jealous?

Yes im woman enough to admit im jealous he has been talking to this female... confiding in her.. especially about Grace. I may be selfish over my feelings of being jealous.. but Conrad has been my constant since i came here.. Now hes shoving me to the side, replacing me with another female.. when i thought our friendship was deep. Hes been my only true friend during these past months... he helped pull me out of this dark hole i have been in! And Grace! She needs him.. why talk to some.. female who doesnt even know whats going on when he can talk to me?

I need him to talk to me. I want to help him. I want to help Grace. I want to help him with Grace.

I dont think i can manage without Conrad there.. rooting for me.

The first wolf ive truly bonded with.. truly made a connection with.. a friendship. And now he kicks me to the curb. I could feel those feelings of rejection swarming inside me.. making me feel vulnerable..

Then it was if something clicked as i stood in that hallway.. glaring at Conrads bedroom door.

This whole time i thought i was so strong.. i thought i had grown so much.. that Conrad had made me stronger. He was the one who shook my shoulders.. demanding i buck up and become a better me.

And i did..

And yeah i did it for myself.. but also because it made him proud..

I havent been strong for myself this entire time. Ive been relying on males.. relying on them to pull me through.

First Deacon.. never even noticing his love for me.. he helped me get out of the funk i was in over Zaryn.

Then my brother.. i was dependant on him for a little while.. not too long.

Then there was Zaryn.. i latched onto him just as i drifted away from my brother and Deacon.. letting him play the mate bond.

Then there was no one.. and thats when i felt so alone and greif stricken. That is until Conrad came along and showed me interest. I think back to the night he took me for drinks.. the night he asked me to be his Luna.. to give him an heir. I was never about to d0 that but maybe.. just maybe.. i saw how desperate he wanted me and subconsciously used him as a scape goat to leave Crescent Moon.. to leave my mate and latch onto Conrad..

My jaw dropped as these truths set in.. truths about myself that i never even noticed. Truths i have been in denial over.

Im emotionally co-dependant...

I never knew these things.. these flaws. Until now. And it took a female named Rasheda to make me see where my downfalls lie.

Have i even trained this hard just for myself?

No.

No, it started out that way.. actually it started so i could get over Zaryn.. the hurt and pain he caused.. then i saw how proud of me Conrad became.. it made me want to fight harder.

I suddenly felt so undeserving of the warrior symbol on my inner bicep. Im a sham.

Feeling moisture collect in my eyes at my discovery, i let out a shaky sigh, walking briskly down the stairs to the kitchen, deciding it was time to train. I needed to block these emotions out.

My jealousy over Conrad shoving me away from his life.. my heart ache and anger over Grace being so torn that it had her not even wanting to live.. and mainly the heart ache that has me realizing that im no independent female. Im emotionally dependant. On males.

But conrad was right about one thing. Physical pain.. it makes the emotional pain die to the point you cant feel them anymore...

The heart ache i felt when i reminisced over childhood memories when i thought of Zaryn last night...

Is he still going insane?

Does he miss me?

My wolf whimpered.. a signal that she missed him.. but i refused to call him.. crawling back to him like a pup.. im too stubborn. Besides.. if he wanted to speak to me.. he would have made the effort.

Eden has my number.

I let out an aggrivated sigh.. my mind becoming a mess of thoughts. I needed the welcoming pain. The physical pain i have become so accustomed to. I wont get better as a warrior if i let these emotions drag me down.

As i made my way out the back door of the kitchen, into the cool early morning.. fog still in the air as the sun Barely peeked over the horizon i stopped short.

The reason i keep forcing myself to be better.. to be a warrior.. it all started just exactly like this.

Because conrad explained to me that i needed to be stronger.. that the physical hides emotional pain. My trigger?

Zaryn.

I haven't even dealt with my feelings about Zaryn. Ive ignored them these entire months.. by becoming a beast. Everytime he popped into my head.. id get my face smashed in to make it go away.

Instead of dealing with them.. dealing with how i felt over his attmepted suicide.. over him going crazy.. i put those emotions on a shelf and dove head first into an unhealthy complicated co dependant friendship with conrad where ive been relying on him too much. I just wanted to make him proud...

I've been the one deflecting my own feelings. Not only Conrad, but me as well.. depending on another for the way i feel.

The dreams.. the memories..

I miss him.

I miss Zaryn...

A tear rolled down my cheek as i sat myself on the step at the base of the deck.. hiding my face in my hands as i let the raw emotions come forth.

Im marked. Mated. To my actual mate.. One who didnt kill my best friend, but killed my stalker.. he killed his own brother to save me and i havent lingered on the thoughts long enough these past two months to even realise that yes.

I do love him.

I love him and i won't ever stop. Im bonded to him for life... i can't keep running.

But until he shows some kind of interest in finding me.. asking about me... anything.. i can't exactly face him. He is the one that left me alone.. for Grace.. and i can see why.. i understand what he went through with his wolf somewhat.. not completely.. but from what Conrad and Eden told me. Its been months and he hasnt pined after the female he initially knocked up.. he hasnt went to anothet female.. all the aches and pains i felt when Grace was pregnant seems like a distant memory..

If i can forgive Grace.. i should be able to forgive him.

If what Eden said was true.. if missing me has his wolf lashing out.. if hes going insane.. it was very very bad.

The memory of waking up alone after my heat still haunts me.. seeing him with her. All the times I saw him with Grace.. but i know his wolf had a lot to do with that.

A sob left my mouth and i recovered quickly, realising a pack member could walk upon me this way. This pack wasnt soft.

Ive just dr. Phil'd myself..

Realised so many truths ive been avoiding.. so many i never even knew... all because of one female. One female that brought out my jealousy.. making me realise i depend on people too much.

From this moment on.. im no longer going to depend on anyone. Determination set in my bones as i made this promise to myself. I would never rely on anyone else to make me happy again. Im going to stop ignoring the prolem which is Zaryn.. stop being so selfish.

Im just going to stop.

Hauling myself up from the steps, i ran down the hill toward the training ground, wiping my face furiously. I was no longer going to fight so i didnt have to feel the pain.

I was going to fight for me. To make me stronger..

Im going to rely on no one but my wolf from now on.

And one day.. when im the wolf i need to be..

Then I'll be able to face Zaryn...if its not too late. But i need to come first this time.

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I was being carried..

My mind was so foggy.. my brain seemed like it was pulsating inside my head.

With every step the strong male that held me made, i felt a ripple of nausea.. i tried to fight.. remember what had transpired just moments ago.. before i got my ass handed to me on the field.

My first loss since i first initially started fighting

I felt weak. Like i didnt deserve this symbol on my arm. Im not warrior.

But i wont give up.

Closing my eyes that were swelling shut.. i realised i probably should have stopped after losing my first match but no... the stubborn wolf in me just had to have another.

All week was skins week. Next week was wolves.

The familiar scent of cleaners and rubbing alcohol awoke my senses and my eye cracked open enough to see the white steril walls of the clinic.

I was being laid onto a bed... General Axe coming into view as he set me down. "Wow kid. You look pretty beat up." He didnt bother to smile. It must be pretty bad.

I let out a breath that was meant to be laughter as Dr. Sully came in.. checking my bones.. hooking me up to a blood bag along with a saline drip. "I was off my game today." It hurt to speak.

Axe nodded with a grimace. "Someone's here to see you." He sent one last glance before opening the door, revealing Conrad who seemed to look half dead himself.

"Out." His deep tone sent the doctor and axe out of the room, closing the door behind them as he strode forward.

I watched, his eyes bloodshot and jaw clenched as he pulled up a seat beside my bed.. navy eyes trained on me hard. "What the hell happened out there.. you havent lost thus far.. you look like sh!t.."

Tears found their way to my eyes.. falling down my cheeks as my face scrunched up and a sob left my mouth. "Im sorry Conrad. Im so sorry.."

Confusion settled on his features as he grabbed my hand. "For what? You didnt do anything wrong Nova. I should be the one who is sorry.. for pushing you away.. "

Shaking my head, "no.. no its me. I was jealous.. of how you had been ignoring me and spending time with another female.. i missed our friendship.. the one we had. Today i realised im not really that strong.. that im dependant on you and i have always been dependant on someone.. thats why i was off my A game today in the field.. you have always been there and i always wanted to make you proud.. but after today.. i just.. i just i feel like im no warrior." I sniffled, my head dropping. "I shouldn't have gotten jealous. I shouldn't have depended on you so much to be there for me. You have other things much bigger to worry about and im sorry." My voice was hoarse.

It was silent. I peered up through my wet lashes to find him studying me.. chiseled features somber as his thumb rubbing circles on my hand.

He sighed.. "I have been dependant on you as well Nova. Its not just you. And im the older one. I should have known better.." his eyes found mine. "I saw you.. and associated you with Cilla.. thinking you were sent here to save me. I brought you here not only because you asked me.. but because i thought in the back of my mind.. that maybe.. just maybe you would fall for me. I got close to you because i felt something for you.. because you looked like my mate. The more time we spent together.. the more i realised i wanted you. And i also realised you becoming dependant on me would help push you my way " He admitted, now not being able to meet my gaze.

My lips parted in surprise, "you knew i was becoming dependent? I never knew how much you liked me Conrad.. I just.. i liked our friendship. "

He nodded, "i know. You're innocent in that way. The night i kissed you.. and you told me you stood firm on not going against the mate bond was the night i realised i had to break away from you.. that i had become dependant on you for my happiness. So...  avoided you purposefully and im sorry. A male has needs.. and i sought out Rasheeda.. i knew you were becoming dependant on me.. i felt it. And im the wiser wolf. I should have stopped it. Im sorry.. i just.. i couldn't deal with your rejection."

His words were like a ton of bricks.. crushing my already broken bones. He knew i was dependant on him. He let me become dependant on him in hopes i would fall for him. He was dependant on me as well.

The tears came barelling back. "Why did you let me go through that?"

Shaking his head, he dropped my hand. "Im sorry. I shouldn't have manipulated your feelings... i shouldn't have let you become so dependant on me.. at first i just felt so awful at seeing you so sad.. so i thought making you stronger on the outside would help... all the while id weasel my way inside your life and i was wrong for it Nova. Please forgive me... please." The despair in his eyes..

I can't blame him. Its my own fault for using him to whisk me away from my mate.

"I forgive you.. " i whispered.. glancing up at him. "But.. i realise now i was never independent and it hurts me. That once i began to lean on you for support.. i began fighting. Doing what you said in order to not have to feel the pain over Zaryn.. which im sure you thought of .." i eyed him as he nodded shamefully.  "Ive been a jeaous mess since our friendship took a turn for the worse..but i don't blame you.. because infact.. i knew inside you wanted more the entire time. I felt clues here and there and subconsciously i used that to my advantage to leave my old pack.. that we only had a deep friendship because of your want for me and my need for you as my rock. As my support system."

Conrad seemed pained as he glanced down at his lap before eyes found mine. "We were both in an unhealthy relationship with each other I think.  Even if it was just a friendship.. and i think we both used that to our own agendas... so lets put this behind us and start over Nova. Im sorry i abandoned you. Im sorry i let you be so dependant on me.. and im sorry i let you focus on anything but your emotional pain and how you feel... " his eyes suddenly looked at me with a fierceness. "But if anyone deserves that tattoo its you. I stand by what i said to you that day about it..  and you are a warrior.."

Shaking my head, i cried some more. I didnt feel like one right now.  "Can you forgive me?"

A slight smile, "if you can forgive me."

I let out a breath i was holding.. a weight being lifted off my shoulders. This was what i needed. "Thats already Done." I smiled softly.

Despite the realisation.. finding out his motives once i had come here.. him knowing i was depending on him and him feeding that.. i was guilty too. Guilty of sensing he liked me but never saying anything until the night he kissed me.

His smile turned watery as he grabbed both my hands.. eyes filling with tears. "What do i do about Grace, Nova? Im.. im losing my mind"

Pulling him to me, i hugged him the best i could.. taking in his scent. Somehow it no longer comforted me like it used to. Almost as if i was over it. "You need to make her stronger.. like you did me. Only this time it will be less toxic because shes your daughter.. but.. Conrad?" My voice croaked as he pulled away to look at me.

"If you train her to feel the physical pain instead of the emotional.. dont keep her there.. bring her back eventually and make her focus on that emotional pain .. because that is where i became lost. How i became too dependant.  Dont let her depend on you too much anymore.  Make her a strong female..."

He breathed out laughter as his eyes watered. "Sometimes i forget you're seventeen. I will Nova.  Ill make sure she doesnt go down the wrong path. Thank you.. i.. i hope you'll help me with her? That our friendship can be salvaged.."

Then it hit me...

I cant stay here. I can't.

In order for me to find myself.. to be a better me and not depend on anyone.. I need to branch out. I need to discover the world. I need to put myself in uncomfortable situations.

I needed to live.

All this time ignoring my feelings for Zaryn.. now realising how i feel.  How i want to talk to him.. to do that, i need to depend on myself because i cant run to him.. lll wind up depending on him once more and i need to depend on me for a while.

"Conrad i can't." My voice broke as he frowned down at me.. lying broken and bruised in the hospital bed.. a fuzziness taking away the pain.. the drip the doctor put me on had also had some pain medicine in it I now realise.

"What do you mean?" His muscles flexed as he moved back in his chair.

Sighing, "i need to find myself. I need to learn how to rely on myself." I met his gaze with earnesty, "i think its time that i went to Dark Moon.. its time i stop relying on other wolves to get me through.  I need to do this. To make me stronger. I need to worry about myself now.... i feel like my time is up here. You've taught me so much  and ill always be grateful Conrad...  but i realised one more thing. That i have love for my mate. But before i can forgive Zaryn. Before i can face him.. I need to find myself.. to forgive myself. My wolf wants this.. and so do i." I bit my lip unsure of his reaction.

His eyes widened as he blew out a breath.. reclining as he just looked at me. Thinking. "If thats what you want.. ill make it happen.. " a smile formed at the corners of his lips. "You will find that experience... daunting.  But you are right about what you said. You need to be stronger and Dark Moon will indeed make you stronger. Just... if you want Zaryn back.. dont wait too long. Remember what i said about him being a male."

I nodded.. a chill running up my spine. He is still a male..

"And promise me." He grabbed my hand once more and i locked gazes with him. "Promise me we will always be friends."

I couldn't help but to grin.  "I promise. Youve been one of the best friends i could have ever asked for. You really have taught me so much Conrad and i thank you.. for everything." I smiled as tears sprang into my eyes.

He reached over, arms holding around me as we hugged lightly as not to hurt my broke ribs."ill make arramgements for next week. Maxim is out of town until then." He whispered in my hair, kissing my temple before pulling away.

It was as if a weight was lifted from my shoulders.. releasing all this energy.. coming to terms with everything...

I made a promise to make myself stronger and i wasnt going to give up. Not now. Not ever. Going to Dark Moon would be me completing my goal of being a warrior. A good warrior.

Id need to talk to Grace before i left.

Smiling to myself, i ignored the pain that ebbed and flowed. This was a good move. We have cleared the air.. forgiven.. forgotten.. ive realised i do want my mate.. but i need to love myself first. Complete my goals.  I just hope when im ready, that he will wait for me. Because we needed to talk, Zaryn and I.

We neeed to open up those old wounds. I wanted to forgive him. I wanted to hear his side.. to talk like adults.

And i could.. once i found myself.

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This would be Alpha Maxim ^^

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Zaryn

(Same time frame)

Tendrils of sweat escaping down my temples.. i shot up out of a dead sleep.. my body aching.

This hasnt happened in a while.

When Nova first left, i started having pains as if my body was a punching bag.... my ribs aching. They went away after a while but i felt it again just now.. it was worse than it ever been.

My face felt as if i had been beaten.. my ribs aching.. my skin pained as if it were bruised.

I had to lift the covers just to make sure there was nothing there.. seeing the hard muscles without so much as a fresh mark, i released the sheets.

Sighing, i flopped back down onto the pillow.. rubbing my hands over my face as i let the pain flow.. relishing in it.

The sun was getting higher in the sky.. i could tell it was almost nine due to the way the sun was peeking through the curtains behind me.

My mind drifted to Nova..

It was killing me not knowing what she was doing...

How she was doing...

But something in my wolf was telling me she was thinking about me...

I want her home.. to claim her Luna position... and take her role as my mate. My beautiful mate..

The desire my wolf felt for hers was becoming to much more... so much.

Getting out of bed, i silently made my way to the shower for my morning ritutal.. my boxerbriefs making a tent as i glared down.

Its been such a long time since i felt her touch. Only two females i have been with.. one time each.  The first, never mattered to me. I could hardly recall our time together.

But Nova.. goddess, the way her skin felt on mine. I remember every single detail from that night from the way her hair lay splayed against the sleeping bag to the way her heated skin seemed to surge toward my touch.

With a longing sigh, i stripped down  and turned on the shower.. getting it as hot as Nova's skin felt that night.

Im going insane with the need to be with her.. to claim her all over again.

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Leaving the pack house, the sun beating down, i noticed the air was noticeably cooler out today. Halloween just around the corner.. then christmas.. then the new year.

All those will be spent alone, as i have no family anymore.. except dad but we havent even talked yet.

I walked down to the training field.. my body still sore from waking up with phanton pains that i couldnt point out the origin to. Today im taking a break.

Reaching the field, i watched proudly as the new warriors were training with my three generals.. all of the females in their own group.

Maxim told me in order to make them great, the female warriors needed to battle with the males.. to practice.. but males would be stroger always. We were made to protect. Therefore when they are good enough with the other females, they will be paired with males to battle.

Peering around with a grim expression, yet feeling proud on the inside.. i watched as wolves stopped what they were doing.. eyes landing on me.. ruffling my fur. My wolf didnt like the attention but as soon as they got their glances in, they looked away.

Good.

My dad.. he was busy pounding away at that damn punching bag again.

It was now or never.

I made my way up to him.. his body visibly trembling as i approached.  He could sense the Alpha in me.. the vibes i put off. Turning slowly.. his expression was one of surprise as i stood before him.. my face a blank mask.

"Son.." he greeted before clearing his throat.

"Dad." I nodded.. this was more uncomfortable than i thought it would be. "Are you doing okay? Without the bond...." my deep voice only got deeper as time passed.  As i gained more muscle.. more testosterone.

He sighed as he shook his head, "actually ive never been better.. your mother.. she will always be your mother but.. i feel free now without her." His eyes drifted to the sky, "i only ever had one true mate." A longing look in his eyes.

I shuffled.. not knowing how to respond.  I no longer felt that power radiating from his wolf like i used to.. now im the one with the power. "Dad.. about -"

He cut me off with a shake of his head. "I deserved it. I dont blame you son. You deserve this title. You earned it." A watery smile pulled on his lips "i may not agree with some of your rules but they are yours to make. You've done better with this pack in a week than I've done in years.. im not angry. Im sorry.. for everything i have put you through.. and i hope you can forgive me. I deserve the moons punishment.. and you truly are stronger than your brother.." a proud look in his glassy eyes had my shoulders lifting back slightly.. a weight lifting off my shoulders.

He smirked, "but.. you know you dont have to look pissed off all the time. The pack knows better than to challenge you." He chuckled

I never knew i looked pissed off..

Must be my resting b!tch face...

Staring hard into his eyes.. i had to ask, "about Penelope..."

"Zaryn.." his hand gripped my shoulder as his eyes met mine, "shes where she needs to be. Gabriel will take care of her.. maybe she will become a better wolf for it. Shes lost her title as luna.. so her wolf will be... different. Less dominant. She will survive.  But what about.. Nova.  Does she know? That shes Luna?" His brow rose.

My forehead creased in confusion, "No. Why?"

A knowing look in his sky blue eyes, "Shes going to be in for a surprise then.. her wolf is going to become stronger and she wont know why if she doesnt know she now has a leading position by your side. Dont worry Zaryn.. she will come back."

I stared wide eyed at him.. so that's why i have felt this new found energy in my body? It somehow was becoming easier to tame the beast within me.. it would be easier with Nova here.. but knowing she will feel that stronger surge as well...

It sort of brought me comfort. She would be able to take care of herself. Until she came back to me.. then i would be her protecter.

-------

After the talk with my dad, i felt better. I felt at ease knowing he was okay with my decisions.. that he was taking his punishment with stride.

I had skipped training today.. my body ached still for an unknown reason. I believed it to be something to do with being an Alpha now. Gabriel was okay with that. He was busy with 'personal' reasons anyway.

I saw Maxim breifly. He seemed antsy.. his wolf kept surfacing.. scanning wolves that came and went through the kitchen door. We talked breifly and he suggested I host a bonfire barbecue tonight.  Bring some sort of old comfort to the pack.. let them mingle with me.. if i can control the wolf. I felt as if he had an ulterior motive but it was a good idea nontheless. Alerting the cooks, the began to prepare the food for the barbecue we would have tonight.

i felt responsible now. Im in charge of an entire pack. Four hundred and some odd pack members. I made mental note to suggest a once a year meeting with other packs other than Dark Moon.. my wolves needed to find their mates.. there were too many unmated wolves getting older.. they were always free to leave the pack and explore to find their mate but they rarely did. Being away from a pack is warring to a wolf.. they need pack life.

It seemed we were all having an off day today. No meetings.  No training. I didnt even eat with the pack for breakfast or lunch. My wolf was feeling off, so i allowed him to shift forth... explore his pack lands.

He had the urge to mark the land as his.. he ran.. pissing along every peremeter line along pack territory, which covered miles of space. The bigger the pack, the more land you need. Once he was satisfied, the beast of a wolf, now able to be reigned in by me whenever i felt so inclined.. shifted back, letting my skin take over again as he huddled into a corner of my mind.. sated. Satisfied.

I made a point to check on Nic. He wasn't well.. his wolf was driving him up the wall with need for his mate.. it was still hard for him to be around me but he said it was getting easier. Apparently i always look mad.  he refused to leave his house in fear that his wolf would break loose..  and Eden had to come visit him just to soothe his wolfs paternal side.. she would lie with him.. letting him cuddle against her to feel her belly. It soothed the wolf.

Jack was in the process of attempting to contact Conrad.. to get word on Grace but so far there was none.

I wonder how Nova is dealing with her presence there.. i wanted to contact her so badly. I had decided against it.. but it was popping into my mind more and more.

Tonight i was going to talk to Eden about this.. maybe i could persuade her to give me her number.. just to send a text at least. I had already commanded everyone Nova would talk to, not to tell her of my new position as Alpha.. with an Alpha's command theu couldn't deny me. It is a bit of a misuse... but it didnt hurt the pack. I could allow this selfish request. I just wanted to see her face..

The sun began to sink in the sky, alerting me it was time for the Bonfire. The aroma of meats smoking could be smelled a mile away.. tantalizing my wolf and myself. The bonfire was large.. its flames reaching high.. the smoke could be seen from over the pack house as it billowed into the evening sky. The air became cool.. a light jacket needed tonight.

I headed past the pack house and into the backyard, fallen leaves littering the grass, the lake just beyond.. the water lapping at the shore with wolves milling all around.. laughing and enjoying themselves after a day of training .. red solo cups in hand.. music blasting.. some juveniles dancing.. some roasting marshmallows. But no one was eating yet. They would wait for me to make my plate first. Taking the first bite.

As i entered the backyard.. wolves stopped what they were doing.. all eyes on me. Agression spiked up inside me but it was my skin side surprisingly. Not my wolf. My wolf was the one to calm me... making me see these were my people.

A slap on my back sent me whirling around with a curled lip and a snarl, only to see Maxim standing there, chuckling. "Whoa. Easy there. Calm down." He laughed, smirking as he clasped my shoulder.. crystal eyes scanning the crowd. "Time to get your sht together boy.. this pack is going to need you to be a little more approachable." His barritone voice whispered, his height topping mine.

Cocking my head, i stared at him dubiously.  "Umm.. if i recall.. you threw a male for brushing past you your first night here."

A toothy grin spread across his lips as he faced me. "This isnt my pack either." He shrugged.  "Go.. greet the wolves.  Flirt with some females.. touch them. Compliment the males."

Shaking my head i scoffed, "im not flirting with any female who isnt my mate. Im marked and mated. Remember?" Raising a brow.

He ahh'd "right. Well... go.. say something to them. Compliment the females on their looks.. the males on their physique. Just be.. friendly." He chuckled.

A sigh left my lips. "Im not really a friendly wolf. Being around all these wolves makes me want to fight. My wolf is trying to calm my skin though."

A shrill scream had both Maxim and I whipping our heads to see where the scream came from and thats when I saw Gabriel.. Penelope in his arms as he had his teeth sunk in her neck. In public. That was a more..  intimate thing. Mainly because after the initial shock, she began moaning slightly.. my face scrunching up in disgust.

A deep chuckle came from Maxim. "Looks like Gabriel has my cousin under control.." his breath caught suddenly and i watched as his eyes locked on Eden.. she was decked out in her usual style.. her baby bump not even noticeable. "Gotta go." He slapped my shoulder once before walking away briskly toward her direction.

I prayed he wasnt about to make that move.

Nic wouldn't come tonight out of fear his wolf would attack. She was fair game in his eyes.

Peering back to Penelope.. she was now sitting in Gabriels lap.. a collar attached to her neck.. a leash on the end..

Degrading. Used for punishment on a wolf.  Not on the skin side. His form of humiliation.

The look on her face was a dead one..

His dark eyes glanced up, meeting mine as i walked further into the party.. wolves greeting me.. using the title Maxim created ,Alpha X.

"X man!" Gabriel chuckled as he came to me. I looked back to see that he had tied Penelopes leash to a tree.. like a dog. Females passed her.. laughing as she hunched her shoulders.

Frowning, i studied him. "How is she." I was only curious.

His arms flexed as he peered back at her.. a smirk tilting up on his lips "actually.. shes good. Its been a little different.. the change. She's had a hard time dealing with her title being gone.. but she doesn't care about Blake.. she does care about you though.  And for the record... i know leashing her is a little extreme but she needs to be taken down a notch. In the bedroom however.. i make her pretty damn happy." He chuckled.

Grimacing, i held up my hand. "Too much information, Gabriel."

Laughing heartily, "i know. I know.  But honestly shes a sly little fox. Shes humiliated right now.. but when we get to the room, she pounces on me like a b!tch in heat."

Flinching, i shook my head, walking away from him as he laughed. I turned.. looking over at my.. Penelope.. her eyes locked on Gabriel as she licked her lips.. her eyes hooded.

Raising my brows, i rushed off. Apparently he is correct on that. Go figure.. my mother likes to be dominated and humiliated. She just needed a stronger wolf to handle her.

"Hey Jack. Dahlia." I walked up to the pair.. Dahlia beaming up at me as Jack nodded.. his usual grim expression present. His face seemed stuck that way unless his eyes were on Dahlia.  Then thise narrowed eyes softened and you could see a ghost of a smile on his face.

"Hi Zaryn. I mean-" her brows went up. I shook my head.

"Its okay Dahlia. You're my mates family. No need to use my new title." I rose my lips slightly into a small smile as she stood, hugging me.

Her pretty green eyes peered up at me. "Have you.. talked to her?"

Shaking my head sadly, a grunt came from Jack... my agression spilling forth in waves.. causing Dahlia to back away slightly... whacking her mate in the back of the head.

"Ow! What was that for woman!?" He turned, glaring at her.

She narrowed her eyes. "Dont be rude!" Her smile returned as she glanced back up at me. "We havent either. I just... i want to know shes okay. Its been weeks since I've heard from her and she wont answer her phone." Sadness overcame her.. this confused me. Why would she not even call her parents?.

Rubbing her back soothingly, "Im sure shes fine. I'll see if i can't figure something out. I need her by my side."

Nodding with a sad smile, she thanked me before I bid them good evening.. making my way around the party.

I made sure to keep the scowl off my face.. brushing toward wolves who werent too afraid of my power to handle it.. A snarl escaped a few times on accident but i was able to do a little comforting... complimenting females on their hair or makeup.. letting some males know ive noticed their new muscles they have put on. I did just what Maxim said and sure enough.. with each compliment and every touch.. the wolves chests would puff up.. a happiness coming from them.

I didnt want them to be too afraid.. but some wolves made me a little antsy with the way they were posturing and i quickly let my power surface.. shutting them down.

I wasnt able to make too much leedway.. my wolf too dominant for most wolves and my skin side too agressive.

Once it was time to eat.. i made my plate first.. the entire pack watching me. Waiting for me to take the first bite. Once i had.. everyone began to eat. I found my place by Eden who was sitting with Maxim, Jazz, and a few other wolves.

Discreetly.. I pulled Eden to the side before I could sit and finish my plate.  I had to know.

"Whats wrong?" Her brows furrowed.. blonde hair swaying with the breeze as her bright green eyes assessed me near the dark corner of the property.

Clearing my throat, i looked her in the eyes.. hers glancing away. "I want to get in touch with Nova. I know you have her number.. i wont command you to give it to me but im asking as a friend. Please." I pled down at her with my blue eyes.

Her gaze darted around, uncomfortable.  "I.. im not sure Zaryn.. "

"Please Eden." The pain in my voice had her shoulders slumping.

With a sigh, she relented.. puffing out a breath, she deflated, pulling out her phone.. peering up at me through her lashes with pursed lips. "Im going to text it to you. But use it wisely." She warned me.

Nodding with relief, "thanks Eden."

I felt lighter now.. more on edge though.. excited as we took our seats once more.

"So Eden.." Maxim flashed a broad smile.. showing his perfect teeth as she blushed slightly.  I watched with curious eyes. "You should come visit my pack sometimes. We dont have women as beautiful as you there." A flirty smile graced his features.

I could feel both their power rolling off of them.. she was flirting just as hard as he was. She shouldn't be doing that. Shes carrying my brothers pup. Mate or not.

"Stop." My deep voice sounded, causing them to look up. "I can feel your power Eden. Put it away. Now. Its making me feel uneasy. My wolf is clawing at me. You too Maxim. Please." It was grumbled out.

Her cheeks turned even more red, embarassed i had called her out. She never let her energy come out. Ever. Unless she was interested in a male. Which hadnt happened since Nic.

Sighing, i glared at Maxim whose eyes narrowed at me slightly.  "Shes pregnant Maxim. With my brothers pup. Dont."

Eden's mouth fell open. "Zaryn!"

"What" i shrugged, "are you embarassed of the pup?"I rose a brow.  I didn't understand why she was so apalled that I had mentioned it. Everyone knew.

other wolves peered back at her.. disgust written on their faces. I was only looking out for my brother.  Maxim is a friend and all... but he needed to stop.

Maxim sighed, rolling his eyes. "Shes not claimed. And Nic doesnt want anything to do with her. Chill out X."

Shaking my head, i took my plate to the trash and headed out. I was going to just hope Eden made the right choice and go about my business. My wolf didnt like it but my skin side was feeling ready to punch something.

It was time for me to leave.

---------

Staring up at the midnight sky.. the stars twinkling above.. i sat on the front steps of the pack house.. all the wolves had gone to bed now. Pulling out my phone.. i opened the message from Eden. Staring at the number she had sent me.

I felt nervous all of a sudden.. my palms sweating. I just wanted to send a little text..

Opening a new text i began to type..

Hey. Nova? Its me.. Zaryn. Can you talk? Ive been missing you so badly.

I took a deep breath, pressing send.. not able to turn back.

My phone pinged almost immediately.. with a racing heart, i opened it only to see something that had my heart sinking.

Error. The number 555-555-2587 is not a working number.

"What?" I breathed. Could she have cut her phone off already?

Snapping the screen off.. i shoved it back in my pocket.. closing my eyes as i rested my head in my hands. Disappointed.

Suddenly a loud roar echoed.. followed by a scream that had me shooting up and running full speed toward where the sounds came. More screaming had me heading down the dirt road toward the set of cabins where Eden lived. The air cold against my skin.. I ran up to see Nic screaming at Eden right outside her cabin. Maxim guarding her.. the two of them half naked..

My brows furrowed immediately.  "What the hell is going on here!?" I bellowed angrily.. Nic turned to me, his wolf peeking out of his eyes. Veins popping out of skin.. angrier than I've ever seen him.

"That whore!" He pointed at Eden who's wide eyes were full of fear. "She was about to screw this.. this monster before i walked in on them!" His head whipped to face a fuming Maxim and a crying Eden. "My child is inside you!!!! Are you that much of a slůt Eden!? You cant keep your legs closed for a few fůçking months!?"

Eden's power surged forward.. angry as she stepped away from Maxim in her panties and bra. "I'm horny, Nic! Being pregnant makes it even worse!! You already said you wouldn't touch me that way so what? Im supposed to go nine months with no relief!? I find someone who isnt from here and doesnt care that im pregnant who shows me the attention I've been craving and now im a whore!? YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T HELP ME OUT! YOU SAID YOU WERE HOLDING ON FOR GRACE!!! How hypocritical of you!!! You would screw Grace in a minute but because im pregnant.. im not allowed to enjoy my sexuality!?! Im pregnant! Not diseased! And im not yours!" She screamed so loud it hurt my ears.

She sort of had a point. I couldn't figure out how i felt about this. I could see her point.. if Nic wasnt going to help her and she felt the need.. but the fact she is carrying Nic's pup is a little disconcerting.  A male who isnt the pups father... being too close to the pup.. physically. I can see why Nic is freaking. His wolf is paternal and if anyone had bothered to touch Grace that way while she was pregnant... i would flip.

"Enough!" I screamed out.. Maxim glaring down at Nic.

My deep voice sounded,"Eden.. go inside and do me a favor. Stop trying to upset Nic's wolf. Hes on edge already. We need to keep him as calm as possible." She gaped at me as my attention turned to Maxim.

"Maxim..  i get that you're attracted to her power. But please for the packs sake.. pick another female. Preferably more available." With a snarl, he snatched up his clothes, storming past me.. knocking into my shoulder as Eden gaped after him seeming distraught before her eyes narrowed on Nic.

"Nic." I walked up to him.. his chest heaving. "No one's getting close to her. Go for a run. Then go home. Ill put someone outside her cabin okay?" I forced him to look up at me.. wrapping my energy around him.. coaxing his wolf to go back down. With a nasty glare towards Eden he ran off.. ripping into his wolf immediately to go run off his agression without a thought.

Eden stood watching my with hurt in her eyes.. angry as her chest huffed. "Eden."

"Zaryn, are you really going to do that? Maxim likes me! I cant have a mate.. Nic wont help me so what am i supposed to do!?" She cried.. her underwear clad body making me uncomfortable.

Running my hands through my hair, i sighed.. staring into her eyes. "Eden. You're pregnant. With an Alpha bloods pup. You know better than to do anything. Get a vibrator.. i dont know... i know its not fair but look at his standpoint.  His pup is inside you. His wolf doesnt want anyone else around his pup.. especially not another Alpha."

She may not like my decision but i needed to keep the peace in this pack. I can't have fights breaking out over a horny wolf.. Maxim kills his opponent's.. and Nic is my brother.

Why does being Alpha have to be so damn difficult.

Dun dun dun!

Next chapter Nova throws deuces!!!

So we now see conrad had motives..  and so did Nova, unknowingly.  She did subconsciously but they were able to make it through and stay friends in the end.

Hopefully he can get a handle on Grace. She needs her father and Conrads misplaced obsession is now realised.

So Alpha x is coming into his own much better now. He isnt as wild.. his wolf is liking the role of Alpha. He feels like he has a place. Now the skin side just has to follow suit.

Nic.. poor nic. What will happen to him?

And Eden.. wow shes really taking the 'i cant have a mate thing' hard. She just wants affection.

Zaryn is realising what a daunting job it really is being an Alpha.

Gabriel is handling Penelope well. Hes humiliating her.. because she needs to be taken down. But he isnt harming her. She cried bc she knkws what shes done. Shes ashamed. But i assure you, she wants what Gabriel is giving to her several times a day.

And Maxim.. we see he respects Zaryn otherwise he would have fought him when he told him to scram away from Eden. Its not fair to eden but he needs to keep the peace and maxim realises hes on Zaryns land. He has to play nice.

Zaryn is a true Alpha. Hes uncomfortable with being sociable but hes getting better. Hes not such a monster like we all thought.  The Alpha title helped him calm down.. the power that comes with it.

What happens to Nova when she feels her power?

And blake.. we see blake isnt mad at z. He understands and hes actually content not to have the weight of the pack on his shoulders.  He just sits on his porch.. in the silence and has his beer. Hes enjoying this time. He is realising he never really loved Penelope other than his childrens mother.

Novas phone is disconnected already.  Poor zaryn :(

Oh amd notice the Phantom pain X feels??? Any guesses???