53

-• my first love •-

Taranya

Trailing my fingers over my neckline, I release a breath of exhaustion. There's a thought festering in my head lately. I don't know whether to call it a regret or not. It's not that I hate sex with Rudra. Far from it actually. It's absolutely mind-blowing, and every time we stop, I'm looking forward to the next time. But I think bringing sex in the equation has made this relationship all about physical intimacy. Previously, we used to chat, he used to ask me about my day, and he always made an effort to spend time with me amidst his usual work load. But now, the moment we're in the same room, all we do is strip each other naked and go at it like rabbits. Maybe I'm to blame too. But the last thing I expect from him is to walk out on me after sex.

Am I thinking too much? Am I already getting paranoid? Why am I such an overthinker?

And why do I always get this needy after having an orgasm?

Smacking my lips together in frustration, I turn over my stomach and bury my face in the pillow. Is it normal to crave affection and companionship from your partner after indulging in physical intimacy? I don't want to come out as clingy or something. If he's not making a big deal out of it, if he thinks this is the normal way to deal with your emotions after sex, then it must be. If he can go and work after an earth shattering orgasm without allowing any lingering emotions to string along, then why can't I? Why do I get all dizzy, can't make sense of reality for a while, cannot think straight, and want him to hug me to sleep after it happens?

In the middle of the mess that are my melodramatic thoughts, my phone starts to blare loudly with an incoming call. Internally grateful, I roll over until I'm at an arm's length from the nightstand and grab my phone.

"Hello," my voice comes out bored as I huff out a breath.

"Is something wrong?"

Ayush?

I pull the phone away to confirm. "Yes, everything's fine. Why are you calling me?" I frown.

"I can't call my sister?"

"You can, but you usually don't." I deadpan. "Anyway, out with it."

"I need a file."

"Oh," I mumble.

"It's a thesis. And it also has my latest research paper that I'm currently working on. It's confidential."

"Okay, so you want me to drive over a hundred miles to Veer Mahal, get your file that you forgot in the morning to take with you, and bring it to you to the university hospital? Am I hearing you right, Mr. Chauhan?"

"I owe you,"

I open my mouth to say no, but he hangs up. Flaring my nostrils, I slam the phone on the bed and sit up straight. I can't believe the brat wants me to drive to Jaigarh just for a God damn file. Where is his favourite brother? I'm sure canoodling with his vases in that damn mudhole.

Did I just?

Shoo! Get out of my head, Agastya.

Forcing my legs out of bed, I get up. The action jerks my low iron levels awake and I lose my balance for a second. Holding the headboard, I pause briefly and close my eyes, taking softer, deeper breaths to stabilise myself.

I'm slower than usual as I get ready. My legs wobble slightly, and every time I move, I feel a slight hint of pain between my legs, along with the unmistakable realisation of emptiness. "The last thing you should want is his dick, you dumb thing. What are you feeling empty for? His dick is not your soulmate. Wake up. Have some respect!" I scold my vagina.

And I agree I've lost it.

By the time I'm in my car, the pain has receded and I'm able to move around without feeling any sort of discomfort. Putting on a Bollywood playlist, I turn the sound to the max and drum my fingers on the steering wheel as I drive out of the palace. At the first signal, I pop a gum in my mouth. Out of habit, my hand moves to fix the glasses on my nose. Then I remember Rudra has them. Never thought I'd miss that creepy AI. He's smart though. Exceptionally smart. And for someone who has her frequent dumb moments, he was like a blessing to me. No wonder Rudra is always parading around wearing them. The control you feel on your surroundings after wearing them is incomparable. It's like you can summon the five elements of nature with one command and Yara will turn over the world to make that happen. That little thing carries an enormous amount of power.

I get a call as I reach the main city. Since the traffic here is dense, I answer the call and relax back, moving slowly and manoeuvring my car carefully through the sea of other vehicles.

"Are you driving?"

I hum. "But it's okay, we can speak. The traffic is moving painfully slow."

"Guess where I am?"

I press the brakes so abruptly it's a miracle someone didn't bump into me from behind. "Are you serious?" I shriek. "Are you at the airport right now? Oh my God! What the fuck, girl? You're already here!?"

Janet laughs. "No, duffer, I'm at the travel agent's office. Yes, I'm returning to India, but I'll need to sort a few things here before packing up for good and moving countries temporarily."

All the pent up excitement fades. Though the happiness lingers. She's coming back for good. That's good to hear. "How long will it take?"

"Around a month," she replies.

"Month!?" I repeat in disbelief.

"Yes, Taranya, it takes longer than you'd imagine to move countries." She adds sarcastically.

I sigh. "Fine. Take your time. Did you tell Ayush?"

"Not yet. And you don't tell him either. It's a surprise."

I curb a grin. "Okay, I'm on my way to meet him by the way."

"Really?" Her tone gets bubblier, lighter, and rejuvenated.

I chuckle, shaking my head in disbelief. It's a surprise these two lasted so long without each other. Considering how obvious their feelings are for each other, they should have been married with two kids going for the third.

"Yeah, your stupid Romeo left an important file home. Now I'm being slaved away for it." I snort.

"You know life in med school is no joke. Of course, it's going to be hard. It's normal to forget things around. Poor guy." She sighs sympathetically.

"Hmm, so you should hurry back. I'm sure you can help him relieve his stress." I mutter nonchalantly.

She gasps softly, but fails to retort. "Shut up!" That's all that she manages.

I laugh.

"I hate you. Bye." She hangs up.

The previously playing song resumes and I bob my head to the music, relieved when I see the welcome board of Jaigarh creep in closer. Since there's no traffic here, I press the accelerator and speed up.

My gaze drifts to the opposite lane of the two way road and locks on the familiar car in the distance. Rudra doesn't notice me. Neither does Niharika. I slow down when our cars are about to pass each other's, and my breath hitches watching her lean over the console to put her hand on his bicep as she talks to him earnestly.

His car passes me and I release a tired breath.

"I've to go."

"Don't. Stay with me."

"I wish. But I've so much work."

If he wanted to confront Niharika, why did he lie to me? I wanted us to talk to her together. I thought he said we're a team.

I stop the car at the side of the road and dial his number. He picks up on the second ring.

"Where are you?"

"I'm returning home." He replies.

"Oh, you're on the way?"

"Yeah. Are you driving? I hear the sound of horns."

I hum. "I need to run an errand for Ayush. How was work?"

"I was able to wrap it up in time. I need to talk to you after you return."

"About?"

"About Niharika." He replies.

The weight falls of my chest. "Okay. I'll be back as soon as possible."

"Alright, love you."

"Yeah, see you, bye." I hang up.

Dropping my head on the seat, I pinch the bridge of my nose. "Something is wrong with you, Tara. Why would you be so insecure? He loves you." Nodding to myself, I restart the car and continue driving.

The Veer Mahal might as well be an abandoned museum by how quiet it is. The air feels cold, and except for housekeepers, I don't see any other familiar faces. Grabbing the file from Ayush's room, I stop at Agastya's door.

"Busy?" I peer inside his room.

He looks up from his laptop and a huge grin breaks on his face.

"No, I was just checking out different law schools. There's like a world beyond baseball that I never bothered to check. So many entrance exams, courses, degrees, it's overwhelming." He mumbles, truly sounding stressed. "I don't know where to start."

"Did you talk to Bhai yet?" I sit down on his bed.

He shakes his head. "I wanted to be sure of my decision first."

"You're still not?"

"I was until I opened internet." He chuckles.

I smile. "It's okay. I understand. Why don't you get yourself a counsellor? They'll help you professionally. Better than wasting time trying to figure out things on your own."

"You can do that?" His brows spring up in disbelief.

I laugh softly. "Of course, you can. I've a colleague who hired one for her daughter who's completing her 12th this year. She said it was one of her best decisions. Her daughter has more clarity on what she wants to do in her life with the professional's help. Do you want me to talk to her about you?"

He drops the laptop aside and scoots closer, grabbing my hand eagerly as he nods like an excited kid.

"Alright, I'll get in touch with the counsellor and talk to them first. Let me check if they're really worth it. I don't want you to have more confusion in the end." I pat his arm in reassurance.

He smiles. "Thanks. Would they judge me for starting my career so late?" He bites on his lower lip consciously.

"It's never too late, Agastya." I cup his cheek gently. "Especially when it comes to education. There's no age limit to how much you learn and what you make of that knowledge. In fact, I'm very proud that you finally came around. It's very courageous of you to start anew, from the scratch again, despite what you suffered. It's not easy."

He inhales a deep breath, nodding slowly to my words. "Thank you."

I pat his cheek fondly and get up to leave. He holds my wrist, stopping me. I look over my shoulder in question. "What?"

"You'd make an awesome mother." He whispers.

The words hit.

If it was someone else, I wouldn't have let those words affect me so deeply, simply considered them a compliment and moved on. But to hear them from a man who loved his mother despite all the cruelty she put them through, who never knew what a mother's love feels like, but is desperately holding onto the imagination of it, because he knows he's only deluding himself, he knows his mother failed him and he has to make amends with that for the rest of his life. If he thinks I'll make an awesome mother, I just know he's saying it because he means it. Truly. From his heart.

"Thank you."

He nods with a soft smile.

"I've to go." I show him the file.

"Ayush?"

I frown. "Does he forget things often?"

"He made me come to his University twice last week." Agastya snorts.

"Then why didn't he call you?" I ask incredulously.

"He did. I ignored." He shrugs.

"Thanks. I'm going to do the same from today onwards." I move towards the door.

"Good luck at that!" He scoffs out playfully. "Didn't I say you'd make an awesome mother? You won't ever ignore us when we need you."

I stop at the doorstep to smile at him over my shoulder. "You sure are taking advantage of that."

He chuckles and waves me off. "Close the door."

"Nope!" I leave the door open and rush off laughing when I hear the grown man groan like a teenager.

Getting into my car, I drive straight to the hospital this time. I wish I could have stayed back a little more, maybe sneaked into Yuvaan's mud- no, Taranya, you're better than Agastya -into Yuvaan's art room and stop briefly to say Hi. He rarely comes out on his own and barely calls to check up on me. Worse than a hermit, I tell you. The world might collapse around him but he wouldn't know unless his art room goes down as well.

I park my car in the visitors' parking lot of the hospital and look at the boxed building consisting of three floors plus the terrace. To think the only place that's supposed to save lives is committing such heinous crimes is enough to give you nightmares about. I can't wait until these windows turn transparent and reveal its barbarous reality to the world.

When I think about what Rudra is really fighting for, his busy schedule doesn't bother me. I hope I stay sensible like this when he leaves to get his work done in the middle of the night after we've satiated our physical desires.

Walking inside through the revolving doors, I phone Ayush. He picks up almost immediately. "Are you here?"

"Yeah, in the main lobby." I reply.

"Vivaan Bhai is coming downstairs. I'm swarmed with some work. Wait for him at the cafeteria."

"But-" he hangs up.

Shit.

I haven't talked to Vivaan Bhai ever since that night at the farmhouse. We didn't even exchange texts in the family group chat.

How am I supposed to face him after my dramatic meltdown that night?

Before I can torture myself more mentally, I see Vivaan coming down using the escalator. His eyes find me and he waves with a small smile. Timidly, I wave back.

"Let's go to the cafe?" I hear him ask as the distance between us disappears.

"Su- sure," I nod.

He takes the lead. Since he's an assistant professor now, almost every intern, resident, and nurse that we come across greet him politely with respect. It makes my chest warm from inside. He has sacrificed his youth for this profession, it's amazing to see how much respect and admiration he has earned in return.

We cross paths with his friend, Rohit, in the cafeteria. My first temporary crush when I first came to India. I wouldn't lie. I'm proud of my sixteen years old self. Even at that age she had a good taste in men. For a man in his mid thirties, Rohit doesn't look a day above twenty six. Still the same youth shines in his dark irises, and I'm saying that despite the dark circles framing his eyes.

"Oh, look who's here," he steps over to hug me loosely.

"Hi," I smile up at him. "How are you?"

"Absolutely amazing. What about you?"

I shrug. "Much the same."

He nods. "Good to know. I couldn't find time to talk to you during the wedding and was hoping we meet again when people aren't running around you like headless chickens."

I chuckle. "Yeah, we just had time to take a photo and then you left. I loved the gift though. Solitaires are my favourite."

"Glad to hear that."

"But you didn't invite me to your wedding." I point to his ring.

He blushes. "I did. You were in London."

"Damn it. Missed the free food."

He throws his head back to laugh. "Careful, Mrs. Rajawat, you're a princess."

"So what? Princesses like free stuff too." I shrug.

He grins brightly, his eyes shifting to Vivaan. "I envy you siblings."

Vivaan's arm comes around me proudly and he gives my shoulders a gentle squeeze. I inhale a deep breath, the restless heart of mine feeling at peace.

"Alright, I'll leave you guys to spend some time together." He glances between us before making me the centre of his attention. "Mr. Chauhan here has an important surgery scheduled this evening that'll probably last five hours. He'll appreciate all the laughs and energy you give him." With a ruffle on my head, Rohit walks off.

"Coffee?" Vivaan offers.

I nod.

"Go sit over there," he juts his chin towards the empty table. "I'll join you in five minutes."

With a hum, I make my way towards the window side table and settle down, putting the file on the table in front of me. Vivaan returns shortly with two iced Americanos.

"Thank you," I slide my cup towards me.

He takes a sip of his coffee. "How's Shourya?"

"Good. We had dinner last night. His health looks much-"

"No, I mean, your husband." Vivaan interrupts.

"Oh," I chuckle in surprise. "Yeah, he's fine. Why would he not be? He's working as usual. Or should I say, overworking as usual. He's so much like Yuvraaj Bhai. Only more considerate and a lot more expressive." I shake my cup a little, making the cluttered ice cubes collide. "What about you? Still no girlfriend? You're what? 38?"

"37." He corrects me.

"Yeah, makes a huge difference. How dare I add another year?" I shake my head in mock disbelief.

He leans over to flick my nose playfully.

"You should seriously find a woman for yourself."

He shrugs, settling back in his chair. "I don't know. I've had a few casual relationships, went to a few dates, but nobody caught my interest."

"What's your type?"

He purses his lips thoughtfully. "At the age I am, I should say divorcees and single mothers."

I snicker. "Don't lose hope. There's still time. Cheer up!" I hold my fist. He bumps his with it. "And I'm sure there's at least one memorable date that you can't forget."

"Yeah, there is. It was years ago." I lean in curiously. "On Valentine's day. The best date of my life. We went to the arcade, then we had dinner, and we had some meaningful conversations."

My heart feels a little heavy at his confession. "To tell you, my first date was quite similar to yours. He was the first man I fell in love with." I whisper.

"Was he?" Vivaan's voice trembles.

I smile shakily. "Of course. He smiled and I had no choice but to fall in love with him."

When they confess in third person>>>>>

Vivaan and Tara ❤️😭🤌

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