Chapter 18

Eleanor had barely made it out the door before a hand was grabbing her and urging her to look back. However, she held her ground and refused to look back at the owner of the hand whose fingers were currently looped around her wrist. She didn't need to, though. She knew, without a doubt, who it was. If it wasn't the person's strong, signature scent which Eleanor was now used to didn't radiate off him in waves, helping her identify them, then the fact that no other person in the brothel, from which she had just emerged from, helped her confirm her raging thoughts.

The hot tears that were still cascading down in rivulets burned her cheeks and she forcefully ripped her hand towards herself. His hand had been warm on her skin and she couldn't deny the momentary jolt of electricity and sparks that it had ignited but she willed herself not to think of it, not to think of him who stood behind her.

Remember what he did to you, Eleanor, she thought. He took advantage of your feelings and emotions and toyed with them for his own personal gain.

She shut her eyes tight and repeated this over and over in her head, dispelling all other thoughts and drowning out his protests which threatened to tear own her defences and permeate her senses.

When she had finally, finally, managed to quell her tears and made sure she would not burst into body-wracking sobs in the near future, she slowly opened her eyes, trying to morph her expression into something akin to nonchalance. But, when the sight of his anguished face – his ocean blue eyes dark and awash with worry and sadness and his still-swollen red lips pressed into a grim, tight line – she felt her façade slipping and it took all her willpower to speak.

'Go away, Nathan,' she said as loudly as she could manage without bursting into tears again. 'I cannot handle any more of this torture and I desperately need time to think.'

'I did not mean it that way,' Nathan said, moving forward. Eleanor retreated away from him, trying to put as much distance between them as possible. If he came any closer, she knew her resolve would weaken. As it was, she was walking on a tight rope.

Nathan flinched when he saw her retreat and stopped in his attempt to get closer to her. His arms were raised mid-air as if he was reaching out to her but he dropped them now and cursed, making fists, turning and slamming the alley wall behind him. He stood poised with his fists on the wall for a few moments, his hurried breathing slowly calming and his heaving chest stilling. When some resemblance of normalcy slipped back into place on his face and his body posture, he turned back to her and started speaking again, trying to control his voice.

'Eleanor, please let me explain,' he said, an almost pleading look in his eyes. Eleanor didn't know what to do. On the one hand, she wanted to bolt away from him so as to not break down again but on the other, she wanted to stay and let him explain, to talk to her, to let the smooth flow of his words reassure her that nothing was the matter, that nothing was wrong. And although her mind screamed at her to run, her heart made her bare feet stay rooted to the spot.

Nathan took her not leaving as confirmation and launched into a rant. 'Eleanor, I did not mean to hurt you, I swear. I did kiss you because I didn't want Sir Hadleigh to see but that is not the reason why I continued to kiss you, even after he was long gone.'

Eleanor's eyes widened. She did not dare to believe the reasons her mind was concocting at Nathan's revelations. If she did, and that was not indeed the case, she did not know what she would do.

But, still, she voiced her question in a quiet whisper. 'Then why did you?'

Nathan's expression changed from pleading to longing as he came closer to stand right in front of her, his body's heat enveloping her in a warm cocoon. She should have moved away like she had done before but she couldn't. This time, both her heart and mind desperately wanted – no, needed – to know the answer to that one question.

Hesitantly, he raised his hands and one cupped her cheek while the other did her waist. She raised her plain, ordinary, black eyes to his now stormy-blue ones, stunned to see the depth of emotions in them.

'Because I wanted to, my love,' he said, softly, in her ear before he lowered his mouth to hers and kissed her in a feather-light brush.

Her mind came to a tremendous halt and so did her body. When she had finally processed his words and his action, coming to the realisation that for once, her mind's concoctions had been made rightly so, she placed a hand on Nathan's chest and pushed him away.

She noted the shock and immense hurt that had graced his gorgeously handsome face but paid no heed to it as she scanned her surroundings in the dim lighting

'What are you looking for?' she heard Nathan ask from above her, his hands pulling away from her body.

'Anyone that might be lurking around,' she replied, still scanning. 'You wouldn't have ever said that or kissed me again unless you needed to put on a show.'

At that, Nathan's arms regained their place on her cheeks and he forced her to look at him. Eleanor found herself drowning in his beautiful eyes, eyes that were awash in a myriad of emotions, the most prominent being desperation.

'No, Eleanor,' he said hurriedly. 'There is no one there. I am not putting on a show, as you say. I have wanted to do this for a long time now and I will not hold back now.' He took a deep breath before he spoke again and Eleanor, her heart soaring at his words, braced herself for the next onslaught.

'I know we started out as an unconventional couple, that ours is a sham of a marriage and an even bigger sham of a relationship,' he said in a single breath. 'I know that we married each other for our own personal gain, for completely selfish motives, that we agreed on an unconsummated business marriage. But I want that to change because I have changed these past few months with you. I've begun to see you not just for your outer beauty but for your kindness and compassion and all the other little details that make you Eleanor Cantwell and the amazing person you are. I am selfish, my love, and I want to be with you. I don't want you to simply be my wife in name. No, darling, I want you to be my wife in every sense of the word. I want you, Eleanor.'

Eleanor was aware her mouth was agape and her vision started to blur with unshed tears. Her heart was soaring. Hell, she was soaring! Soaring so high above the clouds and she never wanted to come down. She never wanted to lose this feeling of immense contentment and joy that Nathan's words had brought her. The past few weeks, she had thought he felt nothing for her but to hear that she was wrong was, for the first time, a dearly welcome relief.

She smiled a watery grin, very aware she must look a mess. But, she didn't care. All she wanted to do was voice her innermost thoughts. But, seeing as the words had lodged themselves in her throat, she settled for the next best way she could convey her feelings for him.

She grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and kissed him like there was no tomorrow. She heard Nathan draw in a sharp breath and then he was kissing her back, his hands digging into the depths of her loose hair and pulling her as close to him as was possible. She felt rather than heard the throaty chuckle that he let out between their lips and she sighed at the euphoric feeling she was now bathed in.

She was finally, finally, in the arms of her husband.

**********

They finally got home, an hour later, quietly sneaking in, trying not to wake the rest of the household.

Eleanor turned to Nathan, about to wish him good night and proceed to her room but his fingers enclosed her wrist and pulled her into his room, instead. She let out a sharp gasp but didn't pull back as he closed the door behind him and pushed her against the wall.

She was about to protest when his mouth came down on her neck and started to kiss, bite and suck at the skin there. All her complaints coupled with rational thought flew out the window as his hands worked wonders on her waist and stomach and she moaned, her back pressed against the wall.

And then, just as suddenly as it had happened, Nathan let her go and she was left feeling strong wave of coldness and disappointment. Her lips parted in a whimper and Nathan chuckled as he drew back and studied her.

'My, my, we are getting needy, aren't we?' he asked teasingly, pecking her softly on her lips.

'Why did you stop?' she breathed out, instead, clutching onto his shirt for support. Her legs had turned to jelly under her and she feared she might fall lest she should let go.

'Because, if I continued, I fear I might not stop at all,' he said, drawing a finger down her cheek.

'Then, don't,' she replied confidently. It was only after she had said it that she realised what she had just said. She had just told him to have his way with her, to consummate the marriage. She had behave wantonly and it was quite unlike her.

But, that thought only prevailed for less than a second before newer ones replaced it. She meant what she had said, she realised. She honestly did. She wanted him to take her to bed like any husband would, his wife. She wanted all that and more with Nathan and she was not going to wait another night for it.

Nathan, however, froze at her declaration as he pulled back and eyed her dubiously. 'Do you realise what you just said?' he asked.

Eleanor nodded her head and pushed her body off the wall. 'Yes, of course. And I want it, Nathan. I want it badly. Don't you? Or do you not want me like that?'

Nathan chuckled darkly as his hands came to rest on her cheeks. 'Oh, darling, if only you knew how much I want this. If only you knew, how much I have wanted this for a long time. Do you know how hard it is to control yourself every day for weeks? And especially tonight. I thought I might jump you then and there, with the way you were dressed!'

Eleanor blushed to the roots of her hair but persevered. 'Then, do it. Not many men hold themselves back with their wives, especially involving matters of the bedroom, but you did. And I have no doubt that you did so for me.'

'Of course, I held back for you!' he interrupted. 'I wasn't going to force myself upon you!'

Eleanor grabbed his hands in her own. 'And I am grateful to you for that. But now, now, I am asking you to do this for me. Please, Nathan. I want this so badly, it hurts.'

Nathan's eyes softened as he pressed a hand to her cheek and she leaned into its warmth. 'And I will give it you, my love,' he whispered. 'But, I do not want you to make a decision now, one that you will regret tomorrow morning.'

Eleanor shook her head furiously. 'I can assure you, I will not,' she said with firm conviction. 'Of that, I am positively sure.'

Nathan stood conflicted for a moment and Eleanor fidgeted. Was he really not going to do it? Even after all she had said to try and convince him? But, a moment later, he was lifting her up and pressing his lips to hers warmly, sending a thrill through her person. The thrill however, slowly turned into a slow, burning flame, one that threatened to swallow her whole, and the slow ache between her thighs began to intensify until the raw need was the only thing she could feel.

And when Nathan gently lay her on his bed, stripping her and himself bare of clothes, all the while trailing passionate kisses all over her body – on her face, her jaw, her neck, the valley between her breasts, her stomach, her thighs and legs – a great shudder rocked her body and his, sending her into euphoria. But, despite the sharp pain that elicited a gasp from her several minutes later, signalling the loss of her virtue, something Nathan tried to ease her out of by whispering comforting words of sweet nothings into her ear, she did not feel any loss or sadness or pain. No, all she felt was sweet elation, joy and comfort, no regret in her decision.

And, when they finally cried out their release and toppled onto the bed in a heap of tangled limbs, sheet and blood, only a single thought remained in her mind, one she did not voice out, as Nathan brushed her hair with his hands and muttered happily to her that that was the best experience he had ever had.

I love you, my darling husband, Nathan.