Part 54 | Drowning on Ice

NAIRA

I was floating.

As light as a feather. I couldn't feel the weight of my body nor the heaviness of human emotions.

I already love this place. I call it the realm of dreams.

There are no monsters here.

" Naira!!! " Came his alarmed voice.

The next thing I knew I was brutally pulled out of my serene place. Choking and gasping.

" Have you lost your mind!"  His restless gaze collide with mine.

I blink my wet lashes regaining the sense of my surrounding. Lying in a bathtub, wet from head to toe.

As he picked me up from the bathtub, my hands involuntarily wrapped around his neck for support. I was ruining his hoodie but he seemed to care about it the least. Soon I was out of the bathroom and found myself seated on the bed.

A fluffy woolen towel was draped around my shivering cold body. Kartik rubbed my shoulder to heat up my skin.

" What was that!? " He exclaimed, hastily grabbing an oversized t shirt of his. It came till my knee providing me with some warmth.

" I was just talking a bath. " I mutter while he squeezed excess water from my dripping strands with a soft towel.

His brows scrunched up and sarcasm laced his deep voice, " Oh really ! "

I stood on my feet, pulling away from him.

" Yes. Now, Stop hovering around me like I need rescuing. Because I don't. " I stretch out my arms to the sides,

" See! I'm perfectly fine. "

A painful hiss escaped his lips,

" You would have drowned in the bathtub had I not been there! "

Rolling my eyes at him, I mumble annoyed, " You are just thinking too much. Go to work. I'll be fine. "

The moment I try to walk away, he grabbed me by wrist, Pulling me into him. His eyes drew darker in anger,

" You don't get to walk away from me, Naira. "

Exhaling a visible breath, he spoke trying to contain his frustration.

" For the past two days, I gave you space cause you weren't ready to talk. But we can't keep pretending like everything is fine when we clearly know it isn't!"

Kartik palmed my face. Keeping his voice gentle, he pleads, " what is it Naira. Talk to me, babe. "

" You are safe now and Everything is normal- "

" Normal!?? " I slip away from his hold with a dry chuckle.

" Being held captive in a warehouse by the man you despise, knowing he killed your parents, threatened with a constant fear of your family getting hurt or losing them.

Seeing your husband held hostage at knife point. Firing a gun and almost killing a man!

And finally Waking up groggily in a hospital bed after almost a day to know you are carrying a tiny human within you!

And you are telling me this is a everyday thing!?  Nothing about this is freaking normal Kartik! " I yelled.

" That's not what I meant and you know that Naira. " I could feel tension building up in the air.

" I could have lost you! Do you even know how it feels! " I screamed.

Dread filling my blood as I relive the memory in my head.

" Na-"

" No! You have no idea what it feels like because if you did, you would have understood me. But no! all you are worried about is having some random, stupid conversation."

The rational part of me is probably embarrassed seeing me blabbering like an Idiot but the emotionally tired me, doesn't care about anything at this moment. My overwhelmed self found it difficult to think or act rationally.

A vein popped in his neck as he tried to mask his frustration.

" I am here trying to understand you, help you. But How am I supposed to, when you are avoiding me and refusing to have a talk. "

" What do you want to talk about Kartik! " I raised my voice, hoping he would just quit being so adamant and sweep the issue under the rug.

" Are you happy about the baby? "

And just like that he broke the very topic I was running away from.

I avert my gaze, looking at everything but him.

How can I give an answer when I don't even have one.

" Naira. " His voice eerily calm but sharp.

" I-I.... I-it's a huge transition.... a-and  this is-sn't how it was supposed to happen. I-I don't know.... " I stuttered, looking for the right choice of words.

Silence prevailed in the room for a couple of long minutes, all the while his gaze boring into my skin. Mustering some courage I lift my orbs to look at him and instantly guilt crippled into my skin.

He fixed me with those luminous, empty eyes and I could hardly help crying knowing I was the reason behind his melancholy.

Exhaling a heated breath, He growled lowly in dejection. " I guess you were right. There's nothing to talk. "

Kartik tossed away the wet towel on the couch and turned to leave the room. His steps retracted away from me but halted mid way.

He tilted his neck sideways and said, in a deep yet void time,

" It must have felt like you are drowning in a deep sea, with your limbs tied. Paralysed in fear.  Suffocating and vulnerable.

Because that's exactly how I felt when I knew you were missing.

I died a thousand times at the thought of not seeing my wife again, so I know.... what it feels like."

Disappointment skated on his face as he stormed out of the room and I stood there watching his retreating figure.

Hot tears cascade down my cheeks as I drop to the couch.

Damn you hormones!

The room felt so cold and empty, as never before.

------

I slam the car door shut and step on the wet, lush green grass. The early morning rain has left the land with a touch of freshness and life.

I cast a look at the bouquet in my hand before taking steps across the lawn.

White tulips.

My mom's favourite.

Well if you are guessing, No. I'm not in a graveyard. My parents weren't buried, Their bodies were never retrieved from the fire.

The Home of Hope has a front garden with a lawn area. I went down on my knees, in front of the Memorial garden stone.

" Hey Mom and dad, Guess it's been a while. " I greet with a weak smile, neatly placing the bouquet on the grass.

And the bravest of souls

are those who choose love.

Over and over.

Vihaan & Tara

Basu

This has always been my safe place. I used to come here regularly to give them updates about my life. Be it When I am happy and excited, or upset and wanna rant my mind, or Days like today.... when I feel completely lost and confused, I confide in them.

I let my fingers graze over the grey polished granite, " I miss you both. So much. "

I heaved a deep sigh, my body eventually relaxing. I sit in silence, yet again regretting growing up as I  look upon at a bunch of kids playing in a distance - Their laughter rippled through the air. An everyday scene in the home.

Being an adult sucks! Why can't we just stay as kids.

I could only wish.

" I wish you were here mom, to tell me what to do, how to fix this because right now your daughter is a mess. "

Out of habit my hands move up to fiddle with the pendant, instead I could only feel fade red marks on the sides of my naked neck.

" You won't need this anymore, nor him."

I close my eyes, Reality hitting me like a thunderbolt.

" The family you claim to be yours, is in trouble because of you. "

" Family isn't meant for you, sweetheart. You were destined to be mine. "

I try to ease my laboured breathing.

"How stupid are you to believe he would stay"

" I won't be surprised if he had replaced you by now. "

" If he dies today, it'll be on you. "

My vision momentarily blurred as tears pooled heavily in my eyes.

"  Will you be able to forgive yourself if your so called perfect family shatters, because of you? "

His manipulative tactic was a deliberate act of gaslighting and I hate to say It worked.

No matter how hard I try otherwise, His words are stuck in my mind like daggers. And here I am, bleeding in guilt.

" If not for me, none of this would have happened. My family had to go through all of this, only because they were related to me. My presence will only jeopardise their lives and I can't let that happen. I have already caused them enough trouble. I can't put my family at risk again.

I don't know how to make this right." I was in the verge of breaking point. I let my guard down, Overwhelming emotions clogging my throat, making it difficult to breath.

" Mom, I love him. " I breath out, " so much that I fear I'm gonna drown him in my darkness. He loves me too and it scares me.... Because I know he'll jump right into ruins for me, without a thought.

I don't deserve him, Mom."

My voice cracked as the first fat tear trickled out of my eyes, followed by another and then soon I was a sobbing mess.

I have never cried here before because I didn't want them to see me hurt.

'Princess don't cry, sweetheart. And Dad's little princess is so brave, right. '

" Sorry dad, I'm not brave enough. " I chocked on my tears.

I furiously wipe my tears with the back of my palm.

At this point, the pain and rage was exceeding beyond the limits my heart could possibly hold. I lost the ability to discriminate who I was mad at.

Was I angry at my parents for leaving me alone? or at Malhotra for killing them?

Was I mad at Kartik for loving me and giving me a family ? Or is it my weak selfish self, which refuses to stop loving him or let him go.

Do I loathe the universe for making us meet only to part us apart? Or my circumstances?

Is it the flawed concept of love ? Or my faulty stars?

I couldn't figure out. It's like I'm stuck in a maze with no doors.

" Why does Love come with terms and conditions!

They say Love heals, then Why does it hurt, Mom.

Why does Love break hearts when it's supposed to mend souls!

What kind of love is this!! " I scream for an answer, in agony. I couldn't feel my senses, pain consumed every cell in my body.

" It hurts, Mom. Make it s-stop! " I wail clutching my aching chest, tears profusely pouring down my face. "Pleasee! "

Arms wrapped around me, pulling me into a hard chest as I sobbed.

" Shss.... It's okay. I got you."  He whispered, rocking me back and forth.

' It's crazy how trauma

makes you push people

when all you want is love.'

********

Damn, that hurts.

Trauma is a real shit !

And you are so freaking brave

to have survived through it.

If no one has said you this,

I'm damn proud of you!

❤️