Chapter Thirty-Six: The End

I spend a night with weird dreams and when I wake in the early morning in a bed that still smells like Ben because I haven't changed the sheets since the last time he stayed over, I feel a wave of sadness. This is the emotion I've been holding at bay this whole time, ever since I told Ben it was over. I don't know if it's regret or fear or sadness or a mix of all of them, but it's pinning me to the bed. It feels like I'm never going to get out of it. Like days might pass and I won't notice. Like this is the point in the movie of my life where a montage starts to play to some heart-kicking song and the pages turn over on a calendar and by the time I'm ready to get out of bed, it's a different season.

I hope it's fall.

Not just because I love fall, but because I can already feel the heat pushing at the windows, overcoming the air conditioning.

If I stay in here, I won't have to face the day. I won't have to wonder if Ben will text me. I won't have to wonder if I'm ever getting my job back. I won't have to wonder if I'm in the middle of making the biggest mistake of my life.

Because I probably am, and that's so much pressure that it's crushing me. I am being crushed by my own stupid decisions. But how do you walk those back? How do I fix the mess I've made? I can't make a chart of all of the things I've accomplished with Ben, like I did for the BookBox, which as far as I know hasn't even worked.

I'm not sure if I even want to. Because my heart hurts right now, but it could hurt worse.

My head is such a mess. So many questions swirling around that I can't grab onto any of them. But the one that's there, front and center is: why hasn't Ben texted me? Why didn't he fight harder for me? He just accepted it when I broke up with him without barely putting up a fight. If he was in love with me, then he wouldn't have given up so easily. He would've tried harder for me. He would've ...

I don't know what he would've done. Put up WANTED posters? Gone searching for me when he already knew where I was?

Made some big romantic gesture so he could prove his love to me?

Do I want him to show up with a boom box? Is that what I'm waiting for? How could it be? We don't have a song. We weren't together long enough to find one. So what would be playing on the boom box, even?

I pull the covers up over my face. I've been living in a fantasy. I need to face reality.

But how does one do that exactly?

###

I fall back asleep and when I wake my phone is ringing.

Ben!

But it's not Ben, it's Tabitha.

"Chloe?"

"Yes," I sit up. My head feels woolly. I glance at the clock. It's mid-afternoon. "I'm here."

"Is this a good time?"

"Yes, of course."

"I've talked it over with the President and we've decided to give you one last chance. You'll be on probation for the next year, so you can't make any more mistakes, but—"

"Thank you."

"I wasn't finished talking."

"I'm sorry."

"That's all right. I was just going to say that you can come back in on Monday."

"Not today?"

"Why don't you take this week off? We think that you can use some time before you get back into the thick of things."

Ugh. I need work. I need a distraction. "Okay."

"Did you have something you wanted to say?"

"No, no, I mean, thank you. I appreciate this. And you won't have to worry about me. I promise. I'll do a great job. I won't screw up again."

"I certainly hope not, Chloe."

"I won't. I appreciate this more than I can say."

"I'll see you on Monday."

"Yes, thank you."

We hang up the call and I hold the phone to my chest in relief. I kept my job. Despite everything, I still have a place to work.

I want to tell Ben.

But instead, I text Kit.

I still have my job.

Oh, thank goodness.

You didn't want me living with you?

Not really!

Ha, I knew it.

Of course you could stay if you needed to.

I know.

I'm glad it worked out.

Me too.

Are you going to tell Ben?

Kit has always been able to see right into my brain. It's both annoying and sweet of her to make the effort. Why would I?

Since he helped you keep it.

Not sure if what he did could be considered help.

He tried.

He did.

Still on the fence, huh?

I don't know.

Sounds like the definition of being on the fence.

Okay, I'm on the fence.

What would bring you off the fence?

IDK.

Why don't you just talk to him?

It's hard.

You mean, you'd realize that you still wanted to be with him.

Get out of my head.

Just call him already.

I don't say anything, just throw the phone across the bed and pull the covers up again. I might as well catch up on sleep while I can. I'm going to have to put in some serious hours next week when I get back to work and I'll know that the stress and nerves of it all will affect my sleep patterns.

I settle my mind and start to countdown backward. Amazingly, it works and I'm on the edge of sleep when it happens.

My phone pings again. I assume it's Kit. But when I look I see that it's a Facebook notification.

Ben Hamilton has been tagged in a new photo.

Every fiber of my being tells me not to check. But I'm not strong enough.

I open the app and go to the tag. It's a picture that Rachel posted with her and Ben and Tyler and Tyler's moms. She has her arm around Ben's shoulder and looks like she's holding him possessively. And Ben's grinning as wide as can be. One of his genuine smiles which he only does when he's happy, which I know because I cataloged his smiles last week like I was learning him by heart.

So Ben and Rachel are back together.

Fuck.

###

I hide in my bed for the rest of the day, but I don't fall back asleep. Instead, I torture myself with the Facebook photo, searching for clues.

Was that all it took? Two days apart from me and he was already back with her?

And though, eventually, I realize that there are plenty of other potential explanations—it might be an old photo, or an innocent visit, or any number of other things—I can't keep the image of them together again out of my mind.

Because she's the one Ben was meant to be with. I know that now. She's the one he couldn't quit. She's the one he kept breaking up with and that Ben went back to time and again. I'm not the love of his life, I'm the blip that made him see who he should be with all along. And maybe that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't pushed him away. Maybe we'd be together right now if I'd just let him in. If I'd just let him stay. If I hadn't been so up in my head about whether it was right to be with him that I just let it be.

But instead, I did the thing I was most afraid of. I was scared of something and then I made it happen. I'm an idiot of the highest order.

When I finally get up, the sun is setting and I sit in the little nook in my window and look out at this city that felt so alien to me when I arrived, and which is now starting to feel like home. Ben helped me with that. Showing me all the things around me I hadn't bothered to investigate. I can hold that to my heart and keep learning about this place. Or I can run away and go back to everything I know and I'm comfortable with.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do right now.

I just need to get through this day and the next one and delete him from my life so that I can't do something stupid like call him and yell at him and tell him everything I'm feeling.

Yes. That's the first good idea I've had in a long time.

I do it before I have too long to think about it. I unfriend Ben on Facebook, and then block him for good measure. Then I go to our short text thread. I want to read through it to look for clues that I'm not crazy and that there was something real between us. But that way lies madness, so instead, I block his number and delete him from my contacts. I wish I could erase the numbers from my mind too, but they'll fade eventually.

All of this will fade eventually.

My heart will heal. The memories will become just that—things I can remember but that don't hurt anymore. Like my memories of Sarah. He can be dead to me but still with me. And all I can do is hope that in this city of millions of people, that we fall off each other's Venn Diagrams.

I have to hope.

The rest of the week goes by with me trying to do all the things I've promised myself. Not think about Ben, keep busy, discover new things about New York while avoiding any spot which might bring me too close to him. And I succeed after a fashion. I don't think about Ben every waking minute. Only every other minute, which feels like a win.

But that happiness I'm searching for? That feeling of peace I had before all of this started? It feels super far away. I know I have to give it time, that I shouldn't give Ben such outsized importance in my life, but it's harder than I thought to get over. To move on.

Kit's been giving me daily pep talks though, and now it's Saturday, and we've agreed to meet for brunch at a new place we haven't been before. I get here early, because I can't help myself, and I'm sitting at a table in the sunshine, but it feels good because the air is on high in here.

While I wait for Kit to arrive, I people-watch the usual crowd—a couple having breakfast, another who look like they're on their first date, a family with a new baby in a carriage. So many lives, so many stories I'll never know.

I check the time. Kit is late. Five minutes, eight, ten.

I tap my foot against the tiled floor, fighting off the feeling of déjà vu, then text her.

WTF.

Hold your horses.

Do not goad me. I'm out of the porny movie title business.

You'll be back.

Where are you?

Don't worry you won't be alone for long.

What does that—

"Chloe?"

I look up. It's Ben. My eyes travel back to my phone and my fingers move without thought.

What have you done?

Kit sends back a devil emoji in response.

"Can I sit?" Ben asks.

"Um, what?"

"Do you want me to go or can I join you?"

"No, I ... Please sit." My heart is hammering in my chest and it takes me a moment to realize Ben's wearing the same shirt he wore the day we met. Breakfast, the shirt, him being late ... I've been here before, which means ...

I swipe that thought away.

No. This isn't a sign from the universe. It's just the Venn diagram. Nothing more.

And Kit.

Kit is behind this, just like she was the first time.

Ben sits across from me and puts his hands on the table.

"Kit sent you?" I ask.

"She didn't send me ... She helped me set this up."

"What? Why?"

The corners of his mouth turn down. "You blocked me."

"Hunh?"

"On Facebook? On your phone? I couldn't reach you."

"You tried to reach me?"

"Yeah, of course I did."

"When?"

"Tuesday night."

Tuesday night. Right after I deleted him from my life. Because of course. "Why?"

"I wanted to talk to you."

"To tell me you're with Rachel?"

"What? No."

"I saw that photo of you on Facebook."

He shakes his head. "That was from last summer."

"Why did she post it?"

"I have no idea. But when I saw that she'd done it, I told her to take it down. And then I tried to text you but it didn't go through. Same on Facebook. Then I knew you'd seen it."

"I did."

"I'm sorry."

"Okay."

"But that's not why I'm here."

"Why then?"

He picks up a fork off the table and fiddles with it. "I watched the rest of it. Felicity."

"The whole show?"

"Yeah."

"Wow."

"I had some time on my hands. Time trying to figure out what happened with us."

"You figure it out?" I ask.

"I think so."

"What was it?"

"You couldn't trust me. Like Ben. Like TV Ben. That's what you think. That I'm going to go away or leave you for Rachel or just disappear. Right?"

I don't know what to say. It is what I've been thinking, though it isn't based on anything substantive. So having him say this is confirming my worst fears, it's making them come true.

"Something like that."

"The thing is you can. You can trust me. I'm not going anywhere."

"You can't promise me that."

"I can."

"Ben."

He leans forward. "I know why you wanted me to watch that show. I can see the parallels. She ran after him and he pushed her away because he was scared of having something real with her. And that's what I did to you. And even though we ended up together for a while, you didn't trust that it wasn't all going to go away again."

"Okay, say that's true. What do we do about that?"

"I have an idea."

"What is it?"

"I tried to think back. To figure out what the moment was that I would take over if I could. Like TV Ben. What set us down the wrong path."

"What was it?"

"It was right about now."

"What?"

"In our first meeting. This is when I knew I liked you."

"Ten minutes in?"

"Yeah. And that's when I should've done this." He holds out his hand.

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Take it."

I hesitate.

"Please."

I reach out my hand. Our fingers touch and I feel that spark. Something chemical that only seems to grow the more times we touch.

Ben grips my hand firmly. "I have something to tell you. I'm not Jack."

"Oh, I ..." I almost laugh. "Are we doing this?"

"My name is Ben Hamilton. I don't know who Jack is but if he stood you up, he clearly sucks."

"He got stuck at work."

"He's going to regret it."

"Oh yeah?"

"Definitely."

Our eyes meet across the table and I feel my cheeks start to flush.

"Are you going to let go of my hand?"

"Oh, sure."

He lets it go and I regret asking him to let go. Now and before.

"Why did you sit down?" I ask.

"Sorry?"

"If you're not Jack? Why lie to me?"

"I couldn't help it."

"You couldn't help lying to me?"

"No, I meant ...I couldn't help but sit down."

"Because?"

"Because you looked like you needed a friend."

"Is that what we're going to be? Friends?"

"I hope so."

He wants to be friends. All of this was just to tell me that?"

"Chloe?"

"Yeah."

"I don't only want to be friends."

"No?"

"No."

"What do you want, Ben?"

He reaches for me again, his fingers touching the ends of mine. "I want you. Right from the beginning. I could've turned you away politely when you rushed up to me, but I didn't. I sat down and I liked you and I wanted to see you again. I want to see you again."

"Are we still in this re-enactment?"

"If you want to be."

"You think we can start over like that?"

"I think we can start together like that. That's what I want. To wipe away the mistake I made in not telling you who I was right away and asking to stay, anyway."

I watch our fingers touch. "I might've told you to get lost."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Because that would've been embarrassing. And everyone in the restaurant was watching us. That's why I made such a big show when you showed up. I was feeling judged."

"No one was judging you."

"Janey was."

"Janey?"

"The waitress."

He smiles. "She was judging me."

I smile back at him. "She was."

"So, what do you think the moment is?"

"The moment we should do over?"

"Yeah."

"I'd have to think about that."

"This isn't working, is it?"

I look into his eyes. "I don't know."

"I just wanted to show you that I get it. I get it. And I'm here. I'll wait. I'll wait until you're ready. Until you can trust me again. I'm not going anywhere."

"Why, Ben? Why is it so important to you?"

"Because I'm in love with you."

My heart starts to race again. "You are?"

"I am. Maybe this is going to sound nuts, but it felt like I was from that first day. From the Met. I told you; I've never felt this before and I meant it."

"I don't know what to say."

"If you don't feel the same way, I'll walk away. Just say the word."

"You'd give up that easily?"

"Is this a test?"

I smile again. "Pretend it is."

"I'm here because I think you do feel what I feel. But I'm not going to force you, Chloe. It'll just be a bit of light stalking before I give up."

I start to laugh. "Light stalking, huh?"

"You'll barely notice me."

"Pretty sure I'd notice you anywhere."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

He takes my hand properly this time, fingers intertwined. "You feel it, right?"

What's the point of denying it? We both know I'm in love with him. Everyone seems to know it. "I do."

He squeezes my hand and smiles. "That's a relief."

"You think it's enough?"

"Hell, yeah I do."

"It doesn't erase everything else."

"I know. That's why I was trying to build a time machine."

"I appreciate that."

"So ..." He picks up the menu. "What's good here?"

"You want to eat?"

"Isn't that what we're doing?"

"I guess, yeah."

"Hey, Chloe?"

"Yeah?"

He stands and walks to my side of the table. Then he kneels so we're eye to eye and takes my face gently in his hands. He kisses me slowly, and I can feel the heat rise up my face.

"People are watching," I say against his lips.

"I don't care."

He kisses me again, and now I don't care either. My hands go up to his face and cradle it as our mouths explore each other. When he pulls away this time, we're both a little breathless.

"You have plans after this?" he asks.

"What did you have in mind?"

"You want to meet my mom?"

I lean my forehead against his. "That was it."

"What?"

"The moment I'd go back to."

"Meeting my mom?"

"Not meeting her, being kept a secret. I didn't like it."

"Then we are fixing this."

"You're sure?"

"Yes. I already told her about you."

"When?"

"On Monday."

"After I broke up with you?"

"Yep."

"That was bold."

He touches his nose to mine. "I realized that I was being stupid about it. My mom isn't weak; she's sick. I shouldn't have confused the two."

"What did your mom say?"

"That she was happy for me. And to get you back."

I laugh. "Sounds like we'll get along great."

He kisses me again, then starts to stand to go back to his seat.

I catch his hand. "Ben?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you, too."

His face breaks open. "You sure?"

"I'm sure."

"Still scared?"

"Definitely. You?"

"Nope."

"Confidence, I like it."

He kisses my hand. "You love it."

"I love it."

###

AND THAT'S ALL FOLKS!!! Hope you enjoyed it!!!