Complicated Confession

TERRIN

To say I was nervous about telling Heidi was the understatement of the century.

I was terrified of how she would react. Heidi had always been so sweet and understanding. Surely she would understand this?

What I was doing was selfish. I knew it was.

It wasn’t fair to ask Heidi to wait for me, to have to share me. It also wouldn’t have been fair if I’d never given Syn a chance. He only got one mate after all. At least I had a bit more freedom than that.

But was this worse?

Was giving him hope—when we both knew how opposed to our mating I was—even crueler than just letting him go? Should I have just let him walk away from me?

Yes. I should have. It would have been kinder to him.

Instead, my own selfishness had gripped hold and spewed the lies necessary to get him to stay for a little while longer. I needed him until I was sure Heidi could replace his attentions.

I was a horrible person.

A mate that no one deserved. Heidi and Syn both deserved better. I was always thinking of myself, but it was a hard habit to break when I had been doing it most of my life.

For so long, I had never had someone else to worry about, to consider. All I had was this dark loneliness that refused to go away. It was a feeling burned into my soul, this feeling of being unwanted.

Was it so wrong of me to want someone I could trust to stick by my side? Someone I could be happy with, build a life with? Syn offered company, but I feared I could never grow to love him that way.

Loving someone only to not be loved in return was a horrible feeling, and I didn’t want Syn to experience that forever. If I was to mate him, that would be the sad reality.

He would love me unconditionally, spoil me, and care for me, while I would never be able to return those feelings. I wouldn’t deserve his love. But I could deserve Heidi’s. I knew I could love her back.

That sort of attraction was just natural with her. She was female and a werewolf.

Loving a lycan would have been hard enough. The lycan wars were still fresh in the minds of werewolves even if they had ended nearly a century ago.

We had suffered under the lycans for centuries; we had been considered inferior to them. The Forest Kingdom had felt the brunt of the wars when the lycans were pushed out of the Old Kingdom and forced to retreat.

I had been raised to hate the lycans, reminded of their oppression at every turn. To get over those prejudices would have been hard enough, but then I had also seen the proof for myself.

Hakota’s war against the Lunars had been brutal. He hadn’t cared who got hurt, whether they were innocent or not. In his mind, everyone not a lycan had been an enemy.

And Syn had been part of that.

He had been a leading figure along with the others, tearing through the front lines and taking lives like they meant nothing.

I knew the lycans had their own grievances against the world, but that didn’t excuse their actions.

So yes, loving a lycan would have been a task in and of itself, but with the added fact that my lycan mate was a male? It was a deal breaker. I just couldn’t picture myself ever being happy with him.

Though kissing Syn had been pleasing, I will admit.

It had felt nice. I had not been disgusted by his touch, but I had felt so small in his hands. I had felt helpless when he so easily took control, and I was reminded of why I was so against mating with him.

He was the more dominant of the two of us. That was the cold, hard truth. His body molded around mine, shielded me like a protector.

My whole life I had dreamed of having someone who would take care of me, love me, protect me. But now that I actually had such an opportunity slap me in the face, I had quickly changed my mind.

I didn’t want to give my well-being, my safety, and my trust to someone.

I didn’t want to rely on him, not when I had this fear that he would leave just like everyone else. And when he did, he would take my soul with him. I would be left with nothing. I wouldn’t even be able to rely on myself anymore.

With Syn, it felt so natural to let him protect me and to place all of my trust in him. With Heidi, I felt the need to protect, to shield her and keep her safe.

Heidi was safer because even when she left, I would still have myself.

I would have been taking care of myself the whole while, shouldering the responsibility of her well-being on top of mine. When she left, only half of me would be gone. I could live with half a soul.

I knew how to survive and take care of myself. I had been doing so my whole life.

I had survived this scenario with Cleo, and when it happened again with Heidi, I would be okay.

When Syn decided to leave me after we mated—~if~ we were to mate—I knew I wouldn’t survive it. I would no longer be able to live because Syn would have changed me.

He would have taught me how to rely on him, taught me how to need him and crave him. And when he left, I wouldn’t be able to cope because he would have forced me to want him and to need what he offered.

And I knew that if that were to happen, I would never find another male, or female, who could take care of me that way.

I was strong for a werewolf, a fact I often forgot, being around lycans all the time.

I had grown a lot in the last few years from my scrawny teenager days. I had filled out and was toned. I was slimmer than most werewolf alphas who packed on muscle to look brawnier because they valued strength over agility.

My shoulders were narrower, but I was easily as tall as, if not taller than, most alphas. I supposed the females had easily flocked to me these last few years because they could sense my strength.

I wasn’t bad on the eyes either, but my power is what drew them in.

And because I was powerful, maybe even alpha-worthy by werewolf standards, only a lycan would be able to shelter me.

They were simply higher beings, gods among men, so to speak. And how pathetic would the world view me, an alpha in need of a stronger male to care for him.

Being weak was what had driven me to solitude, what had made others keep their distance. I had had nothing to offer them, so they had wanted nothing to do with me. I couldn’t return to that.

I simply wouldn’t.

And if I were to be with Syn, that was exactly what would happen.

Still, I had given my word. I had told him I would allow him this.

So I opened my mouth, finally gaining the courage to say the words to the tiny female staring up at me with her wide doe eyes.

I explained everything to her, everything that had happened between Syn and me, from the kiss I had initiated and he had taken control of to what I had demanded from him and what I had agreed to.

And when I finished my confession, Heidi simply stood on her tiptoes and planted her plush lips over mine.

As her lips moved against mine, they replaced all lingering traces of Syn. She placed her fingers gently on my chest, not to keep me at bay but to hold her balance.

I was hesitant to wrap an arm around her waist, to pull her up so I could hold her weight while she just focused on kissing me. She was so delicate, like porcelain, and I was scared that if I squeezed too tight, she would break.

It was the opposite with Syn. He had crashed into me, held me tightly, not caring if he left me bruised.

His earthly taste and his scent of forest and river were now replaced by the taste of sweet honey and the smell of flowers and summer breeze.

As she pulled away, I guided her back down to her feet.

She clung to me, my forearms clutched tightly in her tiny fists. “You don’t really mean to try, right? This is just so he won’t bother us once we’ve mated?”

“What?” I was momentarily surprised by her sourness, but her soft expression combated the poisonous tone. “No.” I shook my head. “I gave him my word, Heidi.”

I wasn’t scared to try, because I knew nothing would come of it. I couldn’t force myself to do anything. If my mind was already made up, then that was just the way it would be.

She pouted, her lips puffing out in an adorable frown. “So?”

Chuckling, I lifted her chin and placed a quick kiss on her button nose. “I am not going to break my promise. I swore before Lune and the gods.”

Heidi let out a little whine and buried her face in my chest. “It’s not fair!” she mumbled into my shirt. I combed my fingers through her hair.

“Why does he have to intrude into our relationship? You picked me, and now he will make all the lycans hate me, and I’ll never have a chance!”

I kissed the top of her head, murmuring into her hair, “No, he won’t. He promised not to meddle.”

Heidi jerked away, glaring up at me with a look that asked if I was stupid. “And you believed him?” She sneered.

My eyes narrowed. I didn’t like her insinuation that I was too blind to be able to tell if Syn was lying. “Yes, because I told him you wouldn’t meddle either.”

“Terrin!” Heidi landed a soft blow on my chest with her little fist.

I grabbed her hands and held them in mine. “I understand if you don’t want to do this. I know this must be upsetting, but honestly, Syn has waited years for this. I’m doing this as much for me as for him.

“I need to know, Heidi. I can’t be left wondering my whole life.

“Please, I know it’s a lot to ask, but I am asking you to wait. Be patient with me, please. If you don’t want to, I understand.”

And just like that, the ugly look on her face vanished. It was swept away like such a hateful expression had never even formed on her face.

“Oh, Terrin,” she cooed, kissing my knuckles, “of course I’ll do this. I will wait for you. How could you ever doubt me on that? I didn’t mean to sound like I wouldn’t.

“I was just a little upset, that’s all. I guess I believed we were farther in our relationship than we actually are.”

“Heidi—” I instantly felt guilty for doubting her. I felt like trash for putting her through this.

“It’s okay, Terrin,” she whispered, tears welling up in her eyes.

My heart twisted painfully at the sight.

“I understand, Terrin. If this is something you need to do, then I will be here waiting until you can make a decision you won’t regret.”

As her first tear fell and I pulled her into a tight embrace, whispering words of comfort to her, I found myself hating Syn for putting me through this.