Lessons in Loneliness

TERRIN

Life was full of lessons. I knew so from experience. I’d learned from my own mistakes and from others’. I liked to believe I wasn’t stupid—ignorant maybe, perhaps even blind, but not stupid.

Now I was beginning to doubt myself. Maybe it really was stupidity that kept me from learning one particular lesson.

It was one that was commonly said—so cliché and overused that I never took it seriously or, perhaps, never believed it.

In either case, stupidity was the only reason I continually found myself in this situation. I had no excuse at this point for not knowing any better. Because I did know better, or at least I should.

~You don’t know what you have until you lose it.~

It was easy enough to remember, simple enough to understand.

So why did I always forget it?

Why could I never seem to remember such a simple lesson?

Like any small child, I had loved my parents but had never truly come to understand how to appreciate them. As a kid, I had never thought about what would happen if one day I didn’t have my parents anymore.

I hadn’t worried about being alone or having to leave my house. All I used to think about then was how to get my parents to buy me the toy I wanted or what time it was so I could go watch the other werewolves spar.

But then it had happened.

One day my parents hadn’t come back. I had never realized until then what loneliness felt like. Soon I had learned what abandonment felt like, followed by exclusion and awkwardness.

I had never known how amazing being normal was until it had been taken from me. No one knew what to say to me, so they just didn’t talk to me.

No one had been close enough to me to know if I was coping or if I was falling to pieces.

They hadn’t known whether I needed more time, so to be safe, they had kept putting me off. Again and again until they had forgotten about me.

And then I had met Cleo.

I was smarter this time.

I appreciated it. I worked hard to keep my friendship, to show Cleo that I knew it was worth the hard work. I had stayed by her side through it all.

But then I had started to feel more like a parent than a friend, and I had started to forget.

I had stopped being meticulous. I had slacked off, thinking more and more about myself and less about her. It had seemed only fair at the time to put myself first when she had been doing the same.

I had stopped appreciating her because while I was still her whole world, she wasn’t mine anymore. But even then I had still had her. She had been mine, all mine, because she had had no one else.

But then she had been snatched from right under my nose, my arrogance blinding me to the reality of just how delicate our bond had been. Now Hakota had her again, and I had been put on the back burner.

I was just another box in the checklist of the million and one things Cleo had to do.

I missed our closeness. I missed my best friend, my older sister, my family. I missed it because it was gone. They were all gone.

They had left me like everyone else.

But somewhere between losing Cleo and now, I had found an annoying mate who I wished would just leave me alone.

Syn, who followed me and chased off my hookups. Who tied me to kitchen chairs to force me to eat vegetables. Who somehow probably knew the answer to every damn question I could possibly ask him about myself.

I had always believed his attention to be troublesome more than endearing. I had waited for years to hear him utter the words of defeat, but now that I had, I wanted him to take them back.

I had had Syn for so long that I hadn’t realized until now how much I appreciated his attention, how much I needed him.

I had hardly felt the dull throb of loneliness since I’d met him because part of me knew he would always be there the moment I reached out to him.

But now, now I had succeeded in chasing him away.

A victory I had craved for years, not knowing any better.

And now, now that I had just lost my reassurance that I could never be totally alone, I hated this win.

I wanted to lose.

I wanted to keep losing this fight forever because that would mean Syn would stick by my side—or in the shadows, waiting in darkness for me to accept him and give him a chance.

Out of the light or in it, Syn would always be there.

Not anymore though.

He was done.

And it scared me. The crushing blanket of emptiness smothered me. Part of me screamed to run to Heidi.

And while she was here for me now, who could say for how long? Would she abandon me like the rest? Would she leave if I ever gave her trouble? There was no way for me to know because Heidi was brand new to me.

But the other part demanded I go after Syn.

Syn, who had put up with years of my shit. Who had stood fast through hundreds of rejections and thousands of hurtful words.

Who had kept coming after me despite all of the females I threw in his face, despite my actions that would leave him depressed for days.

Heidi could tuck tail and run at the first sign of trouble—or she might stay.

I had no way of knowing with her, as all I had ever experienced was blissful fancy. It was the opposite for Syn and me. We only had moments of hurt. We argued and fought every time we spoke.

We cried more times than I can count, and yet Syn had remained loyal for years. He had shown me he was here for the long haul.

But now I had ruined it—which led me to ponder whether it had always been my fault.

Had it always been my fault that my parents had abandoned me? Had I always pushed them away? Had I ruined everything all by myself?

It was certainly the case for Syn. It was solely my fault that he was leaving me. He wasn’t abandoning me.

I had abandoned him. I was the one who had walked away, who had left him. I had pushed him away.

I had driven the final nail into the coffin by falling in love with someone else.

Falling in love.

Was I in love with Heidi?

I was definitely enthralled by her. I liked her certainly, fancied her even, but love? It was too soon for that. Maybe I was infatuated with her, amazed to have finally met a mate other than Syn.

A future that didn’t involve Syn.

The idea was becoming a myth, something that was, with each passing day, appearing more and more like a fantasy than reality. Some part of me had accepted that Syn would always be a part of my life.

That we would be in this limbo forever.

Then it had all changed, and I had been just so excited to have this chance. I was giddy and joyful, and maybe Syn had mistaken that for being lovestruck.

Not maybe—he had.

He believed I was in love when I in fact wasn’t.

He was wrong. I wasn’t in love. Not yet at least.

“You’re wrong,” I whispered into the empty hallway. “You’re wrong,” I repeated more firmly, loudly.

I started walking down the hall after the male. “You’re wrong,” I growled before taking off at a run, sprinting down the halls, following his scent. When I saw his back, I shouted, “You’re wrong!”

He froze midstride.

I slowed down to a walk myself, although a brisk one, and caught up with him. “You are wrong,” I repeated. “I am not in love with Heidi.”

He sucked in a breath, and I waited.

I waited for him to say something.

He waited for me to say something.

We waited and waited, not moving from our positions. I stared at his back, my hands clenched at my sides, while his head was bowed, his own fingers furling and unfurling.

“And…?” he finally prompted, his voice a low rumble.

I blinked. “And what?” I demanded. I hadn’t really thought of anything beyond telling him he was wrong, a natural instinct when it came to us.

He whirled around, his eyes glowing, those gray eyes that looked like they would better suit a phantom than a person.

“And does it change anything?” he snapped, his voice a guttural growl. “No, it fucking doesn’t. It doesn’t change a goddamn thing because nothing will ever change between us.”

He stabbed a finger into my chest.

“I will continue to chase you forever, while you continue to treat me like dirt. You think that just because you’re not in love I will keep begging you for a chance? For you to spare me a glance?”

He shook his head and pressed harder. “I’m done, Terrin. I am fucking done with this and with you.”

I flinched at his harsh tone. We exchanged nasty words and yelled more often than not, but Syn had never spoken to me with such…disgust.

“So go chase after your happy ever after,” he spat, retracting his finger, “but I refuse to be the villain in your fairytale.”

I grabbed his hand before he could fully pull away and yanked him to me.

He stumbled in surprise, and I used the opportunity to grab his collar and pull him down to my eye level. “You don’t get it, do you?” I snarled. “You’re not the villain in this story, Syn. I am.”

And perhaps it was the adrenaline or another moment of stupidity, but I pushed his head down and crushed my mouth to his in a savage kiss.

It was so full of frustration, anger, and hurt that I wasn’t even sure if I could call it a kiss. Syn responded in an instant, pushing me back into the wall, taking full charge of my mouth.

I let him, annoyed he was being so dominant but knowing I deserved this.

He bit at my lips and nipped at my tongue, not caring if he drew blood, too angry to be gentle.

When I finally pulled away, we were both panting, our chests heaving. “What does this mean?” the lycan asked me.

And before I could think twice, the words were already out of my mouth, and I pulled him down for another kiss.

“It means I’m giving you a chance.”