Touch Without Permission

SYN

This wasn’t supposed to happen. Terrin wasn’t supposed to want that.

Not yet, not before I told him, not before we talked about it. He had taken me completely by surprise. He had done it without any warning, and I had just…reacted.

His action sent me spiraling down years of memories.

People touching me because they wanted to, and I couldn’t do anything to stop them. None of them had cared about how I felt, how much I hated it and hated myself. They took, they always took, never asking.

Because of what I was, because I belonged to a brothel, they did whatever they desired.

“Why did you do that?” I hissed. Why did he have to ruin it?

It had been going so perfect, we had been having a beautiful moment, but then he had gone for my pants. I suppressed a shudder, feeling the touch of hundreds of ghost hands, feeling them trace the same path Terrin had.

“Don’t touch me like that. Don’t you ever touch me like that without my permission.”

Because I was sick of everyone taking one look at me and putting their hands on me.

He cringed away from me, and all I could feel was relief in seeing his fear of me.

We had space between us now, and it made it easier for me to breathe. His fear would keep him from touching me so casually like that again.

“I-I-I…,” he stuttered, looking ready to cry.

He had no excuse.

He had no one to blame but himself and his carnal lusts. I thought he’d be different, that as he was a bit unsure and hesitant about it himself, I wouldn’t have to worry about this moment ever happening.

“I don’t want to have sex with you, Terrin,” I told him darkly, “and I know I’ve never said or suggested anything that could lead you to believe that I did.” Because it scared me as much as it used to scare him.

“I don’t understand,” he whispered hoarsely.

“What’s not to understand?” I hissed. “We aren’t having sex, Terrin.” Just because I was a beautiful human, designed to incur the desire of others, it didn’t mean I wanted it.

Being a good-looking male didn’t mean I constantly wanted sex just because I could easily get it. It was a curse to me, especially being a lycan. I didn’t feel desire like humans and werewolves did.

Lycans didn’t have the same bodily urges. We only felt that with our mate, for our mate. But even that had been taken from me. I couldn’t feel that with my mate because of what had been done to me in the past.

I despised it, the very thought of it. Terrin’s kisses, his lips on mine, were all that I needed.

“B-but I thought—”

Crossing my arms, I growled.

“What? That just because we’re mates, I should automatically want to have sex?” I spat, shaking with anger. He thought that just because we were mates, he didn’t have to ask me whether I wanted it?

He assumed I would want to have sex, just like the never-ending stream of werewolves had—the werewolves who had bought me. I was a whore, so that meant I wanted it, right?

“But we’re mates,” he said it so quietly I almost missed it.

He was my mate, while they’d had money—but it didn’t matter. Their entitlement sickened me. It was my body. I should have a say in who was allowed to touch it or use it. “I don’t care. That doesn’t give you rights to me.”

His hand went to his neck.

I didn’t know what was going through his head, what he was thinking about this situation.

The filter of red across my vision made it impossible for me to think straight. The room flickered, shifting into a myriad of others from my past, Terrin’s form blurring amid those images. I couldn’t see past my own fears.

All I knew was that I had to protect myself, even if it meant hurting Terrin a little.

I waited for him to get mad, to start shouting at me and demanding answers. The Terrin I knew wouldn’t lie down and let me treat him like this without an explanation or without hurling what I had served right back at me.

Instead, I watched as that expression of fear and panic turned not into anger and indignation but into a tortured and trapped look.

My hackles lowered at his unexpected reaction.

I was ready for a fight, not for him to suddenly scramble to his feet and bolt out the door.

I just sat there, staring at the door. He hadn’t even closed it in his rush to get out.

The dim streetlamp across the road glowed warmly, illuminating a few dead leaves that were drifting along the cobblestones in the wind.

I released a shuddering breath, my tensed shoulders slumping as my eyes fluttered shut.

It took me a while to get my breathing to even out, to fully push back the sobs that were constricting my throat.

I could still feel phantom hands on my skin. Scratching roughly, I tried to make them disappear, to keep my mind in the present so that I wouldn’t be sucked back into years and years of torturous memories.

I did everything in my power to push them away, to force them back and rebury them.

Only once I was sure that I had it under control did I dare to open my eyes.

Again, I was met with the sight of the open door. My mate was nowhere to be seen. I pushed myself to my feet. I had to go after him. He would be hurt and confused by my actions.

He wouldn’t understand that I was not fully me in those moments. I would have to tell him. I could no longer hide this after what had just happened.

He would demand answers before granting me forgiveness and coming back to me.

Unfortunately, Terrin was still quite young, which meant he made stupid, rash decisions.

He was impulsive and driven by his emotions. While it was a strength in some instances, it was a horrible fault in others.

I knew exactly where he’d go.

Regrettably, it was back to that female who, not too long ago, I had believed to finally be done with. Too bad my demons had to surface and ruin that.

I had just been pushed ten steps back, and making up that distance would be like trekking through thick mud. Terrin wasn’t one to forgive easily, and he didn’t forget.

He held grudges and would store them as ammunition for when we fought next.

I sprinted to her house, which was, thankfully, not far from my own. I knew its location, having retrieved Terrin from the place and left him there a few times.

I got to the house and tried the handle of the front door, just in case it happened to be open. When it did not yield, I wasted no time in forcing the flimsy barrier open.

With one solid kick, it went flying into the house, instantly grabbing the attention of the two occupants.

My mate was wrapped in the arms of the female, whose hands were definitely up his shirt.

The only thing that kept my beast back from surfacing completely was that Terrin made no move to touch her. He stood completely still, his arms at his sides, his fingers not even twitching at the female’s attempt at seduction.

While the thought brought me comfort, it also made me feel a bit smug.

“Terrin, we need to talk,” I said, already walking to him.

The blasted female got in my way though, spinning around and standing in front of the male who towered over her.

She was tiny, just over half my size, and was in no way intimidating or threatening. “Let it go, Syn,” she said as I stared down at her, already bored of this conversation.

I wasn’t here to have a battle of words, I was here to get my mate.

“You got what you wanted,” she continued.

I snorted, lifting a brow.

That was obviously not true, as Terrin was what I wanted, and she was the one in my way, blocking me from getting to him. I reached above her to grab him, but the female had the gall to shove my hand away.

“Your mark is already on his neck. Leave him alone, lycan.”

I glared witheringly at the female werewolf. “Yes, I know that, female, which is exactly why I’m not going to leave him alone. He’s mine, which means he’s coming with me.”

“Yours? You just threw him out, and now you’ve come to drag him back?”

“What?” I growled lowly. I hadn’t thrown him out! Terrin was the one who had left. Gritting my teeth, I hissed, “Stay out of this, female. It is between Terrin and me. You have no business getting between mates.”

“Terrin is my mate, which means his business is my business,” she sassed back at me.

It took everything in me not to just strangle the lowly creature who had dared to claim my mate as her own. “You’re delusional. Look at his neck. He clearly chose me, which means I’m his mate.”

Then, dismissing the female, I looked at said mate. “Terrin,” I said, trying to get his attention, trying to get him to turn those eyes to me with my voice alone.

“Terrin, please just look at me,” I pleaded because I couldn’t have this conversation, couldn’t admit the demons of my past, unless I had something to ground me. I needed those hazel eyes.

“Terrin,” I said again, pushing the female aside so I could step up to him. I gently grabbed his chin, turning his face my way.

Even then, he kept his eyes down, the muscles in his jaw clenching and unclenching. When his gaze slowly drifted over to mine, my heart cracked slightly. Soulless eyes seemed to stare back at me.

They looked empty, which did not bode well for me. “Terrin, please just give me a chance to explain. It’s not what you think.” I had no doubt he had automatically assumed the worst because he had no faith in himself.

“I know it looked bad, but please, just come home so we can talk. I’ll explain everything, all right? I’ll tell you about my past, the secret I’ve been hiding, all of it, okay? Just come home with me.”

Terrin didn’t even have a chance to reply before the female wormed her way back between us. She yanked my hand down, and I only let go for fear of hurting Terrin if I held on too tightly.

“He’s already home, lycan,” she sneered, grabbing my mate’s hand and entwining their fingers.

I ignored her, my eyes only on my mate. “Terrin, please,” I begged.

“He is not going anywhere with you.” The female tried to sound intimidating. “He doesn’t need to hear any more of your lies.”

I reached for him again, but this time Terrin stepped away from my hand.

Those eyes flashed with sorrow, a heartbreaking thing to see in his eyes, but it was better than the emptiness from before.

“Fool me once, shame on you,” he said, and my breath caught. “Fool me twice”—he shook his head—“you aren’t going to get the chance.”

I lunged for him, knowing I couldn’t let him go like this or I’d lose him forever.

I’d force him to listen to me if I had to.

I was held back by the slip of a girl who took me by surprise, shoving me with all her might when my attention was directed elsewhere.

Caught off guard, I took a single step back, but it was enough to bring my attention back to the female.

“You won,” she snarled. “He gave his heart to you. Bravo.” She clapped sarcastically. “But now the broken pieces belong to me.”

She flicked her hair over her shoulder, and my eyes narrowed in on the motion.

My heart skipped a beat as I saw the bloody ring staining her fair skin. My eyes shot over to Terrin, who I had marked myself not an hour ago. “Terrin…?”

I stumbled back a step, looking between the pair.

“Get it now?” Heidi smirked triumphantly. “Your game is over, Syn.”

No. No. No. This wasn’t happening. He couldn’t have. Not after I had just—

“Terrin, what did you do?” I breathed, but I already knew. He’d betrayed us, betrayed me. “Why would you…” My voice broke as my throat went dry. “I thought—I thought…

I’d thought what? Thought I’d finally get him? Finally have my mate?

“Enough, Syn. Get out of my house,” Heidi snarled.

I glared down at the female. This venomous snake was the cause of this. She had poisoned my mate with her lies, played on his fear and insecurities to turn him against me.

“How could you mark her?” I demanded of my mate, turning my hard gaze back on him. He was smarter than this. How could he be fooled so easily? “How could you so easily betray me?” We hadn’t even lasted an hour.

“How could I betray you when there was never any trust in the first place?” he returned just as coldly. “All we have is built on lies. You lied to me; I lied to you. Nothing was ever real, Syn.”

“You lied to me?” I questioned. “Everything you just told me…” My eyes drifted back to his claiming mark on the female. “What I said…” And then it clicked.

I had told him I loved him.

I laughed bitterly. “Oh, I see…”

A game.

This had been a game to them. Their sick form of entertainment. Get me to admit I loved him and then shatter my heart. This whole “dating thing” had just been a cruel game they had played to trick me.

The red haze started creeping in, tainting the edges of my vision.

Terrin had always been obsessed with being strong. He hated our bond solely because I was the more dominant one.

He loathed the thought of our relationship because he thought it made him weak. How had I not seen this coming?

The red darkened, spanning further across my vision.

This had been the ultimate way for him to prove he was stronger.

Hold my heart and then crush it. Let the whole world see that I was weaker than him, that I couldn’t handle a broken bond, while he could.

Red was now a filter in my vision. Everything was going hazy except for this pain I felt squeezing in my chest and this rage clouding my head.

How long had he been planning this? Had everything been a lie? Had Heidi truly known he was a Forester?

Was she actually a Forester? Was this their own revenge on the lycans?

“You disgust me.” The words fell from my lips in a hiss. “I hate you for being my mate.”

Those were the last words that exited my mouth before I turned on my heel and stormed out of that house, away from those two liars. I didn’t turn back.

And then the squeezing pain stopped, and primal rage took the wheel.