Chapter Thirty Four…

The three days of travel back to Valdren were spent in virtual silence, the whole group still reeling from the discovery at the top of the Weeping Mountain. Cerilla and Irileth disappeared as instructed, leaving Elda and Sypher to process everything they’d learned.

The Soul Forge didn’t sleep. When they stopped in Varthal he didn’t even stay inside the walls at night. He spent from sunset to sunrise cutting demons to pieces with the fury of a man possessed. In the morning he returned to his room at Genevieve’s inn to wash off the demon blood, then fetched Gira and started the next leg of their journey. When they stayed in the forests he spent the night patrolling the trees, tending to the fire, sharpening his new sword; anything to stop himself sleeping.

By the time they reached Valdren he was on the verge of collapse. His knees buckled a little when he landed but he stayed upright as Gira slipped off his back.

Yani and Clover weren’t at the villa, but Lillian was there to greet them. Sypher’s eyes darkened when he spotted her leaning against the doorway leading out to the gardens. Elda laid a hand on his arm, hoping to redirect his attention.

“What are you doing here?” Julian asked. “Where’s my family?”

Lillian shrugged. “Out searching for information on Arden, I assume.”

“Why aren’t you with them?” Gira frowned.

“I prefer to research on my own.”

“So why aren’t you?” the Vampire and the Shifter asked together.

“I was hungry.” She rolled her eyes. “I’ve been out looking for Arden enough. None of us are coming up with anything useful. I didn’t see the point in pursuing dead ends.”

“Arden could be dead,” Sypher snapped. “You should be out there looking for him like the others.”

“Keep your hair on, demon boy,” Lillian muttered. A vicious growl rumbled through his chest and in a second he was across the garden, gripping the Fae by the throat. Her eyes bulged, a startled gasp escaping her when her air supply was choked off.

“I have had enough of callous people. I have had enough of death. Give me one good reason why your life is worth more than his,” the Soul Forge demanded, the red in his eyes dangerously close to going out.

“Sypher,” Elda pleaded gently, approaching him and laying a hand on his wrist. “Let her go. You’re hurting her.” He didn’t move. “You don’t want to do this. It’s not who you are.” His fingers relaxed slowly and Lillian landed on her knees, coughing and spluttering.

Julian and Gira were frozen in shock, both of them staring at Sypher like he’d grown a second head. Elda reached out and touched his cheek hesitantly, forcing him to look at her instead of the Fae.

“I can’t be here,” he told her, his brow still furrowed. The fire in his eyes banked low again and she sensed Vel watching her from their depths.

“Then take me somewhere. We have time before Yani and Clover return,” she suggested carefully. He nodded and turned away, crouching so she could jump onto his back. She was barely seated in the hollow between his wings when he shot upwards, leaving the villa in his dust.

Elda was astonished that he even had the energy to fly with her. His eyes were ringed by dark circles, his shoulders perpetually stooped under the weight of exhaustion. His wings laboured through every stroke, but he flew like an arrow away from Valdren and out towards the nearby coast. Elda let him travel in silence, waiting for him to break it.

Over the last few days he’d become volatile. Learning he’d had a family, and then losing that family along with his own life and the rest of his race, had changed him beyond recognition. She hoped she could be enough to bring him back from the edge of his breakdown.

Eventually, Sypher landed right on the edge of a high cliff that looked out onto the ocean. Seeing the sea for the first time in her life momentarily took Elda’s breath away. Far below them, waves crashed against the rocks in a steady rhythm, spraying upwards and tainting the air with a tang of salt. The sun glinted off the scaled dorsal fin of a huge creature in the distance, emerald green and followed by a cloud of sea birds she didn’t know the name for.

“I thought you might like it here,” Sypher said as he let her down, bending his knees until her feet touched the ground.

“You didn’t have to choose somewhere I’d like,” she frowned. “I’m here to help you.”

“I don’t like anywhere on Valerus right now, El.” His eyes strayed to the ocean far below. “If I could leave it behind, I would.”

“And leave me to face the future alone?” she asked quietly.

He smiled sadly. “That’s exactly why I can’t leave and it scares the shit out of me.” He took her hands in his, a deep ridge settling between his brows. “I don’t know what I’ll do if anything happens to you. I’ve lost more than I ever thought possible. Before the mountain I thought I’d been through everything the Spirits could throw at me. Now? I really don’t know how I’m supposed to carry on fighting for them.”

“You’re not fighting for them,” Elda replied. “You’re fighting for yourself, and for me, and for Julian. You’re fighting for the other children across Valerus that deserve to grow up, just like Ana and Eris deserved a life. You’d still fight for us even if you weren’t the Soul Forge.”

He sat on the ground, dangling his legs over the edge of the cliff. “Then how do I handle this? I can deal with physical pain, but this?” His voice cracked. “It’s crippling. Every time I close my eyes I see their faces.”

“Do you remember your whole life before?”

“I do.”

“Then perhaps you can take comfort in the happier memories. Their faces are a blessing, not a curse. Loss is hard. I’ve never had to experience it and I can’t imagine how much it must hurt you. But you’re a father, Sypher. Isn’t it wonderful that you got to love Anaita even for a little while?”

His shoulders dropped. “Of course it is. That’s why the loss hurts so much. I can remember her face, her smile, her favourite colour. But I can’t remember how it felt to hold her or what her hair smelled like. Apart from what I heard of her voice in Iliria, I don’t remember what she sounded like. All of these new memories are silent, senseless images that remind me I had a child, but they don’t help to bring me peace.” Elda felt a lump forming in her throat. “My soul remembers her but this body never held her. I’ve been robbed of the things that should give me comfort. I feel so cheated.” He looked up, tears pouring down his cheeks. “What do I do, El?”

Elda knelt beside him and pulled him against her, wrapping her arms around him and drawing him in until his head rested on her shoulder.

“There isn’t a right way to handle what you’ve been through. I doubt anyone else has even come close to experiencing what you’ve had to endure.” She smiled to herself, blinking away tears of her own. “You’re strong, Sypher. You’re so strong that sometimes it hurts to look at you, knowing just how much sits on your shoulders. I wish I could take some of that weight for you.”

“You do.” He didn’t lift his head from her shoulder when he spoke. “I’d be a mindless beast now, if it weren’t for you. Vel is practically feral with rage.”

“That’s why you strangled Lillian,” she realised, her hand absently stroking the back of his neck.

“I had to leave before I killed her. It’s not safe for me to be around people right now.”

“But it’s safe to be around me?”

“You’re not people.”

“I’m flattered.”

“You should be,” he mumbled. “Vel hates everyone.” She felt him yawn, though he tried to suppress it.

“You’re exhausted, Sypher. You haven’t slept, you haven’t eaten and you haven’t relaxed enough to pull your wings in since we left Iliria.”

His brows knitted again when he sat up and looked at her, swiping the back of his gloved hand across his eyes to dry his face. “I can’t pull them in. I’m stuck like this. The moment I touched my bones, my wings became physical. They’re flesh and blood now, not sustained by magic. I don’t even know how that’s possible.”

“So you have wings permanently?”

“Apparently.” He stretched one out and glared at it. “They’re so heavy.”

“They weren’t heavy before?”

“They were. I’ve just never needed to carry them around for so long.” He sighed, his wings drooping enough that they hung on the ground behind him. “I feel so… untethered. Ana and Eris were my whole life. I’ve existed for eight centuries without even knowing who they were, and now I feel like someone has torn my heart out and set it on fire.”

“They’re still a part of your life.” She looked down at her hands, resting limply in her lap now Sypher had pulled away. “My father told me that when you lose someone the pain never goes away. It stays with you forever, but you grow around it. Eventually, you make room for other things. It’s still there, the grief, and it takes over every now and then and steals your breath away. But you learn to live with it.”

“I’m not sure how much room I have left to spare.”

“You’ll never stop being sad, Sypher. They were your family. You’ll miss them every day, for the rest of your life, but you’ll find happiness in the other parts of your life that are still here, right now.”

He lifted his gaze to look at her, head cocked to the side. “You mean like you?” Her heart skipped a beat at the intensity in his face. She swallowed, suddenly nervous.

“If I make you happy.”

“You are my happiness.” The light in his eyes had brightened enough for her to know Vel was finally calmer, but it didn’t lessen her racing pulse. “I have so many things I want to say to you but no idea how to say them.” The corners of his mouth turned down. “I’m frightened that if I wait too long, I might never get the chance to tell you any of it.”

“It’s just you and me out here,” she answered, unable to look away. “You can say whatever you need to.” He didn’t answer right away, warring with himself right in front of her, but eventually, he spoke.

“Se maite nireh,” he murmured softly, the Angelic phrase rolling off his tongue as he reached out to touch her cheek. “I love you.”

“You…you love me?” she croaked. Taking in a full breath was suddenly impossible.

“More than the stars. More than the moon. More than the smell of the forest after the rain, or my favourite book. Elda, I love you more than I hate my pain.” She stared at him, hardly daring to breathe. “Everything that I have, everything that I am, it’s all yours. You cast a light so bright it chases away shadows I believed to be immovable. I thought my duty bound me to this world, but I was wrong. You bind me. You’re my sun, the air I breathe, the earth I walk on. All this time, I was waiting for you. You are my home, Elda.”

She barely had time to register the tears dripping down her face before his lips touched hers, soft and warm and longing. Vetiver and leather wrapped around her in a comforting blanket as she melted against him, her heart tapping out a steady rhythm against her ribs. A tingle shot down her spine, her eyes sliding closed as she tilted her head to deepen the kiss. His strong arms held her tightly, one hand rising to tangle gently in her hair, the other snaking round her waist to pull her closer.

Elda had never felt love before. She’d read about it enough, but nothing could have prepared her for the bone-deep, soul-clenching, heart-aching longing that stole her breath the moment she tasted his lips. She wasn’t sure if she understood life enough to love, yet. But she knew, for the moment, her heart no longer belonged to her, and in return he’d given her his to keep safe. It was bruised, broken, hardly beating, but it was beautiful all the same.