CH 81

There was something Ben said while giving a bracelet at the Harvest festival.

“It’s late, but I really wanted to give it to you.”

At that time, Cersinia didn’t understand what was late… She only recognized it now that this bracelet was a gift from Ben for her three years ago. The fact Ben had kept this old bracelet that had lost its shape for three years. His sincerity, which began a long time ago, has been conveyed to her. Warmth spread through Cersinia’s heart.

“Only my feelings…”

There was only one answer to May’s words about leaving everything and thinking only about her own feelings.

‘I will no longer avoid it.’

From now on, she will not run away in fear of a future that she will never experience. Her eyes, which had been shaking without knowing what to do, suddenly hardened.

‘I’ll face it directly.’

Whether it’s feelings for Ben, the uncertain future, or whatever. Because she wants to be by Ben’s side.

‘Because I want to be together with him.’

“Because I like Ben.”

Just like what she said to him, she also wants to show her greed. The greed that came only when she thought about her feelings.

As she put the bracelet back into the drawer, the closed door opened with a clinking sound. Through the open door, a silhouette hidden by darkness could be seen.

“Cersinia…?”

Ben couldn’t believe she was in his room.

“Ben.”

Cersinia moved her steps towards him.

“Are you really Cersinia?”

Ben looked at her and checked again and again, wondering if it was an illusion.  However, it was really Cersinia who walked toward him without hesitation.

“Why you’re here…”

His eyes shook in confusion. Then, all of a sudden, Ben felt like he knew the reason why Cersinia had come to him, so his heart, which had been burning hot, became cold.

“Go back.”

Ben clenched his fist and turned his head. The reason Cersinia came to him was probably to tell him that she would leave. At that time, Ben asked her not to disappear without saying a word.

‘Had she been waiting all this time for me to say goodbye…?’

It was funny and futile that Ben had a small expectation.

“…What?”

“I don’t want to hear more. Please go back.”

Cersinia’s heart sank at the unexpected line. She had never been rejected by him. However, when she saw him in agony while biting his lips, she realized that Ben misunderstood that she would be away from him.

“That’s not it. You know, I…”

“It was Cersinia who told me to be greedy.”

Ben let out a shrill voice. His reddened eyes trembled slightly.

“I feel greedy of you. But if it’s unacceptable greed… What should I do then?”

In the end, he poured out his unbearable feelings. He couldn’t let her go, no matter how much he thought and pondered. There was no other option other than that from the beginning.

“Tell me how, Cersinia. I really don’t know…”

He dropped his head after saying that. His wide shoulders were loosened helplessly in despair. Cersinia reached out and grabbed his collar. She fully faced him.

“I know what happened during those three years you disappeared without a word.”

Ben raised his head in surprise.

“The fact that you were locked up in the basement of the annex and that the name Alexdemikan was not yours.”

“How…”

His blood eyes fluttered violently.

‘How did Cersinia know my secret that I wanted to hide?’

“Why, why didn’t you tell me? I don’t even know that, and I keep…”

Blame you.

Cersinia swallowed those words back. Now that she knew the whole truth, she didn’t want to hurt him again with those words.

“It’s already in the past. I’m fine, so don’t worry.”

Ben’s face turned pale as if his blood had evaporated. He didn’t want her to find out about his terrible past. He wanted to be a reliable person who could be relied on and protect her. But he can’t believe Cersinia knows everything about it. It was impossible for Ben to properly face her while in misery. He feels like Cersinia’s sweet eyes will sympathize with him right away.

Ben wanted to be by Cersinia’s side equally, not as someone to be protected like before. But even though he already struggled, it was back to square one. His face, which was cast in misery, was painful.

“How is that a thing of the past? It left a scar on your back… You keep living under someone else’s name.”

Cersinia raised his voice in anger at him, who said he was fine.

‘Is it okay because it’s all in the past? No way, it can’t be okay.’

Tears welled up in her eyes because Ben was insensitive to his wound. She bit her lip, not wanting to cry pitifully, but tears filled her vision.

“Cersinia, please… I don’t want to receive sympathy.”

It was hard, but Cersinia swept her face with an angry touch.

“It’s not sympathy.”

“You’re being sympathy to me.”

“…”

“You don’t know that your kindness makes it harder for me. If you’re going to leave, don’t keep making me greedy. It’s just false hope.”

Ben struggled to remove Cersinia’s hand that was holding his collar. It was too difficult to do that, but he had to. The more she does this, the greedier Ben becomes. He wants to be closer, touch her, and be the only one to her. His greed had no end, simply being together was not enough for him. So he had to back off at this point. Otherwise, Ben had no choice but to force her to go.

“Please go back now.”

Ben entered the room turned his gaze away from her as much as possible. It was bitter and painful to pass by her casually as if he had swallowed poison.

“I like you.”

However, he had no choice but to stop walking by the sound behind his back. Ben hardened as if struck by lightning.

“Ben, I like you. I like you…”

Cersinia wiped away her tears and turned to his back, confessing her sincerity. When Ben turned around, she eventually burst into tears because of the anxiety that Ben would never see her again.

“I want to be by your side. I want you to continue to like me. I want you to be greedy.”

She didn’t even know that gibberish she was talking about. It was very difficult to convey her feelings.

‘How many times I have told him that difficult thing…’

She has been receiving so much from him that she wanted to give it back to him now, and she wanted to convey her feelings properly. Her voice, mixed with weeping, kept shaking.

“It’s a lie when I said I can’t do that. I didn’t mean to say I would leave here. I’m just afraid of my situation. This cursed-like power might hurt you. So, so…”

Cersinia’s hands trembled so much that she clenched the hem of her skirt.

“Are you… serious?”

Ben turned back slowly. He had a look on his face, doubting whether he had heard it correctly.”

“I like you. Really.”

“Cersinia, if you’re saying it because of sympathy, not affection, stop now…”

“No!”

Cersinia shouted at him, who did not believe it. She took a step first and narrowed the gap with him. Her tears must have messed up her face, but for now, she only wanted her sincerity to reach him.

“…”

Ben stared blankly down at Cersinia, who stood in front of him.

‘Am I dreaming right now? Did she appear in my dream because it was a situation I had been longing for so badly?’

“If this is a dream… If this is a dream, it’s really cruel.”

He closed his eyes, leaving his throbbing chest behind. Clear tears that had been gathering flowed down his cheek. It would be good for him to wake up now if it was a dream. If he keeps tasting this sweet fantasy, he will feel the loss and despair enough for him to die from the reality that she is not by his side.

“It’s not a dream.”

Cersinia’s hand gently wiped the corner of his eyes. Hot tears wet her fingers. If Ben’s happiness is by Cersinia’s side, Cersinia will give it to him without hesitation.

“If you have any doubts, I can say it anytime. I like you. I really like you.”

Ben raised his trembling eyelids at her clear sound. The warmth he felt on his cheek was definitely her. The warmth cannot be dismissed as an illusion. He caressed her cheek with trembling hands.

“Cersinia…”

He could feel the soft texture in his palms. His watery eyes fluttered like waves.

“Yes, I’m here.”

Cersinia placed her hand over the back of his hand, gently caressing her own cheek.

“Ben, I like you.”

His eyes opened wide. The intense shock made his heart begin to pound loudly.

“So much.”

He embraced her as she was. As the temperature he had longed for penetrates his body, his empty heart fills up, and it feels like it’s about to burst.

“Cersinia…”

He held her in his arms to the fullest called her name constantly.

“I want to be by your side.”

Cersinia wrapped her arms around his back.

“…It’s like a dream.”

His heart was burning hot as if it had been on fire. This situation was neither a fantasy nor a dream. All of this was real.

“I won’t let you go again.”

He held her tighter in his arms. The fact that it wasn’t a one-sided feeling made him emotional enough to tear up.

“I like you. As always.”

He buried his face deep in the nape of her neck and vented out his feelings.