CH 150

Before and after death, the only one who loved me was “Haeseo Nam.”

I knew.

But I was scared.

“Do you love me?” he threw the tender question that pierced my heart, making me flinch. He wrapped his hands around my cheeks and neck, telling me not to tremble because it was all over now. His hands were warm, though not as hot as my feverish skin. He gently lifted my chin, making me look at him. When our eyes met, his eyes curved into crescents, looking pleased. A corner of my reproachful heart shook. I could feel that he still liked me, just like he used to.

“I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.” He showered me with sugary words. “It’s not scary. Everything is just like before. You and I didn’t change at all. We’re the same. Are you still scared? I love you so much—what’s the problem? Nobody is condemning us. You don’t need to worry about it at all.”

“…”

“I wish you could think of it simply. I just want us to love each other. That’s the only thing I want. To become happy, you need to do that too. It’s good for both of us. We’re not doing anything bad.” After he said that, he brushed my lips with his thumb. “My lover, who can’t even accept love in peace.”

Then, he pressed my bottom lip and opened my mouth. Unlike his eyes filled with lust, his voice filled with pity tickled my neck and cheeks. “You’re so pitiful and cute that you’re lovable.”

His lips touched mine. His affection was always like that. It was so overwhelming that I couldn’t breathe properly. He conveyed to me that his heart would never change, no matter the circumstances.

His teeth gently grazed the plump flesh of my lips. After a short kiss, he followed up with a deeper one. The place where our lips met was hot. His tongue that snaked inside was even hotter. Our lips collided and separated countless times, making us breathless each time. I felt like I would fall backward, so I grabbed onto his shoulders without knowing it.

“Do you love me, Haeseo?” he whispered after nibbling my earlobe. I could feel a suggestive heat from him as he pulled me close to him. His soft caresses on my back were gentle. It was sweet—so sweet that it felt like poison.

Just like I always had, I wanted to be shaken up and pulled along by him. This foolish body reacted sensitively as it knew how overwhelming it was to receive pleasure and love from another person. I recalled when I moaned as I tangled my body with the other, and my breathing grew only more heated.

I didn’t want to think of anything, and I didn’t want to solve any of my worries. I welcomed the lust of the other, who wanted to touch the deepest parts of me. I just wanted to go along with what he told me to do. If I just closed my eyes, this pain would disappear. I was tired of being unable to see another way out.

Nobody would point fingers at us, so wouldn’t it be fine to stop feeling miserable…?

Still…

“I can’t,” I uttered, “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. I can’t just overlook it like this. I can’t do this.”

“Why not?” he asked softly yet persistently as he stroked my back like he was soothing a child. His low voice, growling with desire, gave me shivers. Love, love, love. I squeezed my eyes shut before opening them again. Darkness just like the mansion in my past flashed by me. Could I ever hate him? No, that was impossible. No matter what he did, I couldn’t hate him. Obsession, a foolish obsession… As I suffered from my lingering obsession, he was the one who saved me.

“Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ. God will always love you.”

He will always love you.

Oh, Haeseo.

I grimaced as I thought back to what I heard from the church earlier today.

“If only… I hadn’t wished for that,” I muttered.

He pitied me, but he was the truly pitiful one. I ruined my god. Who would save young Haeseo, my savior? If God existed, he would have never come my way. He wouldn’t have let such a young and pure soul become a monster.

“If only I hadn’t called you in,” I sighed.

The hands on my back gripped me harder.

He hummed in a peculiar fashion.

“I see. That was it. That was what was hindering me,” he said. Then, he quietly mumbled, “Just because of that… Okay.”