Chapter 31

I heard muffled voices around me, I was laying down on a bed. My eyelids felt heavy and when I got more back to my senses the stabbing pain shot me in my neck, it wasn’t anything I couldn’t take but it was extremely unpleasant. Thankfully the wolf blood should heal it quickly. I opened my eyes and suddenly someone quickly shifted in front of me, I squished my eyes of the sun light. “she’s awake!” someone said and a doctor came up to me with a little flashlight that doctors had. I wasn’t really in the mood for this.

“I’m okay,” I said irritatedly and pushed away the light from my eyes and pulled myself up to a sitting position. I touched the bite mark, it wasn’t completely fresh but it wasn’t healed either. I looked out the window and it was daylight, I couldn’t have been out for more than a few hours. “What time is it?” I asked no one in particular, I hadn’t even looked around to see everyone who was here. I was in my house, in my bed I realized, crowd was here. I finally took my time to inspect who was here.

One pack doctor was standing beside me “5 p.m.” he answered. I looked in front of me and Alpha stood there with Beta beside him. Death was also here, he didn’t look at me at all, and he was looking down at his feet. He must be mad at me. To my other side stood Xavier, worried looking and also Magdalena was here.

“Are you sure you are okay?” Magdalena asked worriedly.

“It hurts but nothing I can’t deal with. More tired than hurt.” I explained. I would need to go to the lake just to get a little bit of energy back.

Doctor put something in my hand, a tube with some kind of cream. “It’s healing quickly but if you want that thing gone by the morning put this on.” He explained and looked around. “I guess my work here is done,” Alpha nodded at him and he walked out of the room.

No one was saying anything, just staring awkwardly. “I’m flattered that you all are here but I’m sure you all have better things to do than being here.” I said, trying to sound as nice as I could. But I really wanted everyone gone.

“Meredith,” Alpha spoke up. “What you did was completely unacceptable, I would have never asked that of anyone, the pack was ready to fight.” He tried explaining that all for one and one for all thing to me.

“If I hadn’t done it. Many others would be killed,” I said.

“You don’t know that,” Alpha said and I looked at Death because I knew. “I don’t want any pack member to ever put their life in danger but… you did a sacrifice to protect many others and thank you for that Meredith,” he said. “It could have been a lot worse. I am glad you are okay. No matter that you saved us… keep the protection of the pack in fighters hands,” he said and I understood him. I knew that I could die and what would happen if everyone would suddenly act like heroes, I was just lucky this time and didn’t die.

I was ready to die, but didn’t.

“I will,” I said to Alpha and he nodded.

“Hope you get better soon,” Beta said from beside him coldly and they left.

I looked at Magdalena who was looking worried. “I promise I am fine,” I assured her.

“Mom and dad also heard about this, they wanted to come… but I said better not to… I can tell them to visit if you want....” she panicked in case she said the wrong thing.

“It’s exactly what you needed to say to them, I think you need to go back and tell them I’m alive,” I said to her chuckling a little and she nodded at me slowly leaving my room. I have caused a big heartache for them already. I was sure that I am not forgiving them but at least I could let them know I survived.

As Magdalena walked away I looked at Xavier and he sat next to me. “Go ahead,” I told him, waiting for him to say how reckless that was.

“What?” he acted like he didn’t understand.

I gave him a side glance. “You know… risking your life are you stupid....” I tried to replicate his voice.

“Oh I almost forgot,” he joked. “Have you lost your mind? Why did you do that?” he asked, raising his voice in a serious tone now.

“I already said,” I rolled my eyes and smirked at him.

“Why are you so comfortable risking your life?” he asked and suddenly it wasn’t so funny anymore.

“I had no reason not to,” I answered truthfully.

And maybe… if I risked I could see him more often.

“What about Magdalena?” he asked.

“She would be okay, she has her mate and parents and many friends, she would get over it.” I said looking down on my hands.

“If something would have happened to you…” his voice was interrupted with him keeping away his cry.

“You said you are better. You said you are doing well. You said you are healing. Why would you put your life at such risk if you are doing well?” he asked.

I felt bad… how hurt he looked. I had no idea I could cause him such a heartache. But I would react the same way if he was about to act like this.

“I’m not suicidal Xavier,” I tried to make him understand. “If I have the ability to save many people from dying I will do it,” I explained.

“Anyone else would have done it if not you,” he said.

“Anyone else who was there had more people they would hurt if they died,” I said. “I don’t want to die yet. But I did what was right at the moment.”

Xavier leaned in and took me in a hug. “I know that it was the right thing to do, but I don’t want to lose you,” he said and tears started to roll down my face.

“I know,” I said and I broke off the hug and whipped my tears away.

“I think you need some sleep,” he said and got up. He took in a few deep breaths. “I hate you so much.” Xavier mumbled out to me.

I let out a chuckle. “You love me.” I winked at him.

His eyes shot at me with his side smirk. “See you later,” he said and I smiled back at him.

When I was sure Xavier was gone I looked at Death who was in the corner of the room looking down on the ground, he didn’t say anything, didn’t even move. “Are you mad at me?” I asked.

He kept his stare on the ground. “He seems to care for you,” he said but I didn’t answer him. “That’s good,” he said. “Do you care for him?”

He didn’t look up at me. “I do,” I said and I truly did.

“Why aren’t you together with him? Why didn’t you marry him?” Death asked I had no idea where this was coming from.

“I don’t need to be together with the one I care about…” I said and let my heart say whatever it wanted to say, it hurt to keep it in. I watched his reaction for the next thing I said. “I need to be together with the one that I love… and that someone doesn’t want that,” he looked a little higher but still I didn’t have a view of his whole face. “And that someone is you… I won’t be together with anyone else because I will never love anyone as much as I love you,” his jaw tightened… he kept quiet.

“You don’t know what love is.” He said. Somehow that hurt me more than it should have.

“I know that you think I am stupid and naïve. I’m just a dumb immortal that knows nothing about life, death, fate and all the things beyond.”

“I don’t,” he interrupted me. “But you don’t know what love is. You have not experienced it. Love doesn’t come from being near someone for such little time. It doesn’t come from a few conversations. It doesn’t come from one kiss. It comes from your soul. When you know you can be at peace. When you meet someone you want to settle down with and it’s enough. That is love. When you don’t look for something exciting or dangerous to keep loving. You love someone who makes your heart calm.”

“And your heart is not at calm with me. It never will be. Because you don’t belong with me. I can never give you calm.” I was suddenly getting angry at him. If this was the reason he came… just to say that to me.

“You don’t know me. You don’t know how my heart works. Unfortunately you don’t even want to learn how my heart feels and beats and cries.” I threw my legs on the ground avoiding his stare. “You don’t even know how your heart works.”

“You tell me you do what’s best for me, but you never try to figure out what it is. You assume. And you think that I will be happier anywhere else but with you. And I know that I could never hate you. But there will always be a little part of me which will dread your choices.”

I looked over at him. “I don’t know what love feels like to you, but for me it makes my heart beat. Crazy because I don’t know you fully yet. Because there are still things that surprise me. Love grows into calm only after time. It’s never calm at first… I wouldn’t want love that never beats. But you want me to settle. For love that’s calm and easy. Which I don’t prefer. Unfortunately you care so little that you are ready to deprive me of love.”

I looked out the window… it was still light out, I still felt weak. I stood up and put on my shoes. “I’m going to the lake. Don’t want to meet you there… I just need to be alone. If you have any thoughts you need to say to me… if you figure out that you need to say something, meet me in the evening here,” I said with no emotion but tiredness…

“I won’t be there,” he told me. I nodded understandably.

I turned to him. “This is the last time I ask.” I told him. “Last time I try to convince you that I want you. “ I shook my head and turned to the door only halfway stopping. “I don’t believe you can love someone you leave. At least not enough…” I shrugged. “ Maybe you shouldn’t come. Let me know that that the love you speak so of is not as real as it is for me.”

“You are trying to trick me?” He accused me with a playful tone to his voice.

I laughed at him. “I want you to stop pretending you love me. And I need you to stop making me feel like a fool when I ask you to stay.”

I went to the water to wash all my tears away, the bitterness of my emotions away. I didn’t expect him to show up later… I didn’t expect him not to. I just let fate decide what happens…