Chapter 42

“St. Claire,” I yelled after him. I was breathless from sprinting after him.

He had his back to me, but as soon as he heard my voice, his muscles tensed, and he turned around. A scowl marred his face.

“Hazel?” he asked, confused. His bemusement made sense—I hadn’t approached him after the donated clothes incident.

I grabbed his wrist and tugged him into an empty classroom. He followed me without a word, and I closed the door behind me.

“What was that?” I asked him, staring at him. I studied his features. His face was blank.

“What thing?”

“You, helping Jacob in the hallway, apologizing for what you did.” I pointed over my shoulder. I blinked, shocked. “What was that?”

“You saw that?”

“Yes. Why did you do it?” I crossed my arms over my chest. My heart was hammering hard while my brain was buzzing with endless explanations.

Nothing was logical or reasonable. His actions changed everything I believed about St. Claire.

“I told you, I’ve changed. I realized how stupid and jealous I’ve been. How unfair and selfish,” he answered calmly. I still didn’t get it. “It was the least I could do after everything.”

“But…” I couldn’t comprehend anything. I shook my head. “Didn’t you make Jacob break up with me because you were torturing him?”

“What? No!” he exploded. “I told you I did make him break up with you, but it wasn’t for the reasons you think.”

He chuckled humorlessly.

“I was jealous. I’ve always been jealous of Jacob.”

“Why?”

“Because he had you. I had a crush on you since freshman year.”

My eyes turned into saucers. I really was dreaming. This was crazy, insane. He had never noticed me before. Not before the party. How would that be possible?

It was like he could read my thoughts since he explained. “Like a fool, I was scared to talk to you, afraid of rejection because…”

I waited impatiently.

He ran a hand across his hair in frustration. “Fuck, Miller. You’re everything I’ve wanted. There’s something about you that pulls me to you. Once I gathered enough guts, I decided I was going to ask for your help in biology. Just to get you to talk to me. Anything.” He laughed bitterly. “But before I could do that, you and Jacob got together.”

He scowled down at me, pressing his lips together. I gaped at him.

~What is going on?~

“I thought it wouldn’t last.” He sighed after I remained quiet. “I mean…I hoped, because whenever I saw you, I wanted to get near you and talk to you. I wanted to make you smile and laugh. I was willing to learn more cell jokes or other biology jokes because you laughed at them every single time.”

I remembered. In freshman year, we had a biology teacher who wrote funny puns on the board. I laughed every time. Graham was being earnest; he wouldn’t have known this detail otherwise.

“I wanted to know what you liked and hated. I wanted to kiss you and touch you.”

My cheeks flushed and my heart squirmed around a tight grip.

“I was jealous, I won’t lie.” He shook his head, smiling sadly. “Do you know how awful it is to watch the girl you really want with…with someone else? Fucking unfair. I didn’t understand what you saw in him. I questioned it because I knew if you were mine, I would make everything possible to make you feel cherished and desired and loved.”

He stopped to take a breath in before resuming.

“You two were steadfast in sophomore year, and I had to keep looking at you from afar. It was…torture.” He swallowed. “Watching you two together during class, whispering and smiling in your own little world, was hell. I kept punishing Jacob for having what I wanted. And then, I was blessed in junior year since I didn’t have to see you two together in class anymore. I thought I could get over you.”

I was mind-blown by the information. More and more questions arose in my brain. Why didn’t he say this before? Why did he ignore me? So he could move on? Then why did he force Jacob to break up with me?

“In senior year, my crush was still hard. I knew I couldn’t forget you anytime soon. It was my last chance to get you. It was all or nothing.” He stared at me like he could read my mind. “I was desperate and did something stupid. I made Jacob break up with you because I wanted to have a shot with you. Then you hated me because I’ve been terrible for the past three years. I hated the moment I decided to act on my jealousy and make Jacob’s life hell. I regretted it because the last thing I wanted was your hatred. I regretted it because I realized I was an angry kid and Jacob didn’t deserve any of it.”

I would need an entire year to process this.

“I know my actions are unforgivable to you, but I wanted for three years to be with you. I’m not giving up. Not when I know how it feels to have you, to be with you. If I have to chase you all through college, I will. I don’t care how long it takes or what I have to do, I’ll find a way back to you because you and I belong together.”

All this time he’d been fighting to be with me while I fought to be away from him because I didn’t believe he wanted me. I believed he was using me.

I was quiet, absorbing everything.

“Too much?” Graham arched an eyebrow.

“Yes,” I muttered. “I thought you were using me to continue tormenting Jacob. To rub in his face that you were dating his ex.”

“What?” He scowled, offended. “Where the fuck did you get that?”

“Can you really blame me for thinking that?”

He clenched his jaw. “Not really…” He ran his fingers through his hair. “It’s just that…I thought you felt how much I wanted you. How important you were to me. How you light up my world with one smile.”

I bit my lower lip, seeing him deflate.

“Our connection isn’t something you can pretend. It’s real.” He gulped at the end.

My heart jumped.

~I can see that now.~

The way I felt when I was with him couldn’t compare to anything else. Graham woke up something inside me, and it had been restless after he was gone.

I nodded but remained quiet.

He exhaled. “I’m sorry for putting you through all that. I was selfish. I just wanted to make you happy. With me.”

His shoulders dropped.

I cleared my throat. “You can still do that.”

“Huh?”

“You can still make me happy. With you,” I said softly. “I believe you’ve changed. I forgive you.”

His mouth dropped in shock. “You…you mean it?”

I nodded, fighting back a smile.

“You have to mean it, Hazel. It would break my heart if you’re playing with me.”

“I mean it.”

He moved fast, grabbing me around the waist and pressing our bodies together. His face buried against my neck, inhaling me deeply. “You won’t regret it. I promise I’ll make you the happiest girl in this world.” His words were muffled.

I chuckled, hugging him back. I closed my eyes, enjoying the familiarity. I was happy to be back in his arms.