18: haunting

Vijay had better things to do than copying his assignment from the scanned document that Krish had sent him at 11:00 pm.

He had the marathon tomorrow and he should have been resting but his college didn't care about that. His professor had sent him a personal mail asking him to complete it that night and send the document to him. Apparently, the deadline for mark updation in the online portal was closing and the professor was holding off finalising it because Vijay hadn't submitted his assignment yet. He wasn't in the position to give excuses because the professor cared enough to make sure he submitted it instead of blindly following his cold heart and giving him a zero. When he'd finally finished it, his fingers had dents where he'd held the pen too tight and his palms were streaked with ink from the blotchy gel pen.

When he crashed on the bed, his muscles stretched in relief and he almost moaned at the comfort of the soft pillows. His eyes weighed down like a boulder in a sea but before sleep drowned out his thoughts, he paused to honour the woman affectionately haunting him. The hug they shared had been long ago, almost two weeks back, but he could still feel her warmth on him. It felt as if the shape and smell of her had seeped into his skin like hot inky swirls on old parchment, permanent and irrevocable.

Vijay clutched his pillow and tucked his chin against the hem, disappointed that it wasn't even a potential substitute. How rude of her to permanently ruin ordinary hugs and pillow cuddles for him. It wasn't fair. He needed her in his arms, her head on his chest, his hand playing with her t-shirt absently while the other held her close to him.

He sighed and rolled over, sleeping on his stomach. Vijay could only hope he'd get another of those addicting hugs from her after the marathon.

He had just fallen asleep, or he felt like it, when he heard his phone buzzing. He pushed himself up, turning on the lamp and squinting before finding his phone between the pages of his notebook. It was Nila.

He frowned, not because it was her, but because of the time. She had told him she was going to watch a movie with Anamika and go to bed early so she could rest up and cheer the loudest for him the next day. It was almost two in the morning now.

"Hello?" her voice came.

"Is everything okay, silver?" he asked, his voice coming off scratchy.

"Um, actually no," she said, her voice shaky as if she was trying to hold back tears. Vijay sat up, his legs touching the ground.  "I-I won't be able to come tomorrow, Vijay."

"Are you sick? Do you want me to come with you to the hospital?" he asked, not quite understanding the situation. He was saying the first things popping up in his mind.

"No, no, I'm not sick. I'm fine. I am going home tomorrow," she said.

"Home? I thought you decided to stay in Chennai for the break."

"Yes, I did. But I just heard from my parents. My grandfather passed away," Nila said. He had never heard her mention her grandfather. She only talked about her maternal grandmother often. "Kayal and Arjun will be coming home as well so they will be picking me up tomorrow on the way. I'll be leaving in the morning. Around seven or eight."

"Oh," he paused. So she won't be able to come to the marathon. He won't be able to watch her cheer for him. Sadness crept up on him like— shit, he'd not considered how Nila must be feeling about it. "Are you doing okay, silver? How are you dealing with the news?"

She sighed accompanied by the sound of a zipper being pulled close. She must be packing. Somehow, knowing she was packing to leave somewhere far away from him pained him more.

"I never knew him. My parents weren't on good terms with him so I've not spoken to him much. I don't feel anything actually. But I have to attend the funeral. It won't be nice if his only granddaughters didn't, even if we were estranged," she said, calmly. Then her voice cracked as she continued, "But I'm so sorry, Vijay, that I can't come to the marathon tomorrow. I was so excited about it. I kept talking about it non-stop to Anamika and even spent so much time picking out an outfit, I can't believe—"

Vijay let out a small laugh. "You picked out an outfit?"

"Yeah. It was green. Your favourite colour," she said slowly. "I thought it would cheer you up."

"Aw, silver. Now you make me want to cry that you'll not be there. It's been so long since you wore green. You always wear blue."

"That's because I have very few green-coloured clothes. But anyway, I was so excited. I wanted to see you run a race. I'm so mad."

"At who? Your grandfather?" Vijay quipped.

"Shut up. I'm just mad at the whole situation. I wish I didn't have to go. I'm so sorry, Vijay. I really wish I could be there. There's nothing I want more in this world right now."

It was moments like this that Vijay struggled to cope with. The moments where Nila casually said things like this, wrapping what could be shiny heartfelt confessions with plain old wax paper and gifting them to him as something ordinary. But he couldn't blame her. He did the same thing. The game of concealment they were playing was dangerous because both of them were playing it for different reasons. Vijay because he didn't want her to step into the elevator that would take them from friends to lovers just because he asked and Nila because she was confused and liked the comfort of staying in between the ambiguous space between the two floors. But he'd be lying if he said he wasn't getting tired of the game. He wanted nothing more than to call her his.

"I know, silver. It's okay. I'm not sure I'll win the marathon. It's a fund-raising event conducted every year and it is open to the general population. Anyone can participate, so athletes from all age categories will. I can aim for top 3 but that's about it," Vijay said. "When you see me run a race for the first time, I want you to watch me win."

"Are you just saying it to make me feel better? Because I knew you were excited about it too," she whispered.

"I was. But it's okay," he said. "As long as you promise to give me your famous hug when you return?"

"If you think that hug is famous, it defeats the whole purpose of me giving it to you that day," she snipped. "I told you it's special. When will you start believing it? Or should I have known you'll be too dumb to understand?"

Vijay chuckled. He loved it when Nila had her claws out. She was always so considerate of others' feelings and others' expectations that she failed to acknowledge that she was sacrificing hers in the process. "Alright, silver. I'll believe you. But you didn't answer my question."

"Of course, I would. You don't have to ask," she said.

Vijay laid down on the bed and sighed. He stared at the ceiling as he held his phone to his ear. "Why do I miss you already, silver? You are not even out of the city yet," he mumbled.

"I'll text you so much that it annoys you."

"I would like that, yes."

"Even if it annoys you?"

"I like it when you give me your attention, silver. I am a simple man. I take whatever you give me. I can't afford to be choosy," Vijay said and he heard her breath hitch. He smiled. "That's why I'm scared for my heart if you ever stop. I don't think I am strong enough to handle that."

"Do you usually get way too honest after 2 am?" Nila asked. He opened his mouth to answer but before that she cursed, "Fuck! It's almost three! You have a marathon tomorrow and I can't believe I am keeping you up like this. Go to sleep. All the best for tomorrow. I'm so proud of you. I'm rooting for you. I'll always root for you. Make me prouder, okay? I'll text you tomorrow. I'm again so sorry that I can't be there. I'll ask Krish to take a video though so I can watch it later. Eat well tomorrow before you go. Take care of yourself. Now go to sleep, you need to rest."

Vijay chuckled. God, if only you knew the way I love you, silver, he thought to himself.

"Vijay?"

He crept under the covers. "Yes, Ma'am. Going to bed."

"Okay, I'll text later. Take care. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, silver."

I love you.

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ik i said it already but i'm rooting for you.

i know, silver. thanks x

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OMG krish sent me the video! it's a grainy video but it's enough to make me feel jealous of everyone who got to see you :(

the tall man who was speaking to you after you finished the race – was it your coach?

and you said you were aiming for top 3 and you got in. it's a big deal you know. winning third in such a big crowd is like wow.

i'm so proud of you.

silver

i just came back home and thank you!

yeah that's my coach – terrifying man, right?

i'm not worried about winning third place.

actually, i was secretly aiming for first place even though i knew it was difficult. i thought even second place would be fine. but it was tough. the ones who took the two spots were athletes who had qualified to participate in national sports meets but for some reason didn't get to proceed internationally. to think i came close to them is a good enough place for me.

okay then. i thought you'd be a sore loser. i had a long-ass speech prepared

and why would you think that?

because you act like you've never known failure

didn't i tell you? i couldn't participate in sports for one and half years because i broke my legs and tore my ligament in an accident

i can't believe you didn't tell me! omg, that must've been hell for you. without being able to run. you're so strong to come back stronger than ever

yk you are the first person to say it to me. when people heard i had an injury, they were so eager to advice me what to do and what not to to help with the pain. no one paused to think about how the pain in my leg was nothing compared to the one i was facing because i couldn't run like before.

what? i can't believe people didn't think of that. it must've been hard

yeah, but it's all in the past. i'm in good shape now.

it's hard not to know that

so, where are you? had lunch?

yeah, we stopped on the way for lunch. one hour away from home.

okay, i'll go sleep for a while, silver.

yeah yeah. get some rest, runner boy

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*sends picture*

my nephew. isn't he adorable?

so cute. but why is he looking at you like you stole his favourite toy?

um because i did? i accidentally sat on it and the plastic snapped.

what a meanie. showing off your power against a baby. didn't expect this from you, silver.

shut up. until now, he sleeps in my arms only in the noons

don't lie, you bully.

fuck off, idiot.

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silverrrrr

i miss talking to you at night

i miss hearing you mumble gibberish right before you fall asleep

i'm sorry. my sister took our room and my aunty is staying in the other guest room. i'm stuck sleeping in my parents room :(

it's fine. it's just weird not listening to you go to sleep.

so what did you do today?

badminton. farah invited aadil for a game and krish and i played against them. he's a nice dude. but watching farah blush and be lovey dovey made me nauseous. still can't believe she is getting married.

i saw the pictures. farah posted it on her instagram. she also sent some privately to me.

what did she send you?

some embarrassing shots of you

wtf

why would she do that?

it's always good to have dirt on others. handy blackmail material, don't you think?

careful silver, your true colours are showing

but you love it

can't exactly deny that

but what embarrassing pictures?

silver!

don't seenzone me

i'm going to kill farah

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i have bad news :(

what happened?

my parents want me to stay longer. my sister is staying here for a while and it's not often she comes home. so, they want me to be here for another week as well

but your classes will start, right? you can't miss them

actually, there's not much happening in college. the portions are done so we are just going to class for namesake and for attendance

then what about your attendance?

i don't take much offs remember?

okay then what about our plant? won't it die without you?

vi? priya promised to take care until anamika comes back. and she'll be there tomorrow.

vijay?

you okay, runner boy?

yeah. i thought you'll be here soon. i was kinda looking forward to it.

i'm sorry :( if i made a fuss about coming to chennai, my parents will get nosy. i don't want that

hurry

can't go long without your garbage can face

how romantic

i miss you, come back dammit

don't go saying shit like that

my parents are going to think i'm in love if they see my face rn

and they'll be right

is that true?

come on, silver. we both know the truth

do we now?

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