15: ambitious

As soon as Nila got home, she beelined for the kitchen to get some water. She let the cool water soothe her, bracing herself on the marble counter. She closed her eyes and thought of the cloud of thick awkwardness that hung over Vijay and Nila throughout the trip to her apartment. Nila thought she was used to silence but she was no match for the one in the auto, deafening and suffocating.

She gulped more water and her mind ran through all the events of that day. Oh, how sweetly it had begun. She had thought it was adorable of Vijay to beg her to hangout with him. The only thing that had worried her in the afternoon had been how easily she had decided to go through the discomfort of lying to her parents for him.

She couldn't help but wonder, did she overreact? Was it her fault that she was a coward? If she was any other woman, would she have been grateful for Vijay's actions instead of condemning them? What if Vijay didn't want to hang out with her anymore, knowing now that she wasn't as brave a woman she had portrayed herself to be? Or that she wasn't grateful for what he'd done for her? Thoughts and doubts spun inside her mind, stitching a deep sense of guilt and dissatisfaction into her skin. She couldn't bear it if she had put Vijay on trial for something he hadn't done.

She needed to know what was going on in Vijay's mind. She needed to know so she could do something to ease this situation.

Nila needed advice.

Anamika entered the little space that had been sold as the living room and was startled when she saw Nila standing in the kitchen like a statue, staring off into the distance. "Jeez, breathe, woman. Make a sound. Show me you are alive," she said, carrying a wet mop that smelled like Dettol. "You're late. Is everything okay?"

"Yes, y-yes," she said, not wanting to worry her. "Where is Priya?"

"In her room, sick. She is puking her guts out like she is pregnant. Don't know what nonsense she ate outside— wait! What if she's pregnant? She stayed over with Anirudh last weekend, didn't she?" Anamika said, dropping the mop with a clatter and marching back into Priya's room. Priya was the most careful person she had ever known and there was no way she could have taken a risk. Nila didn't worry much.

"You horny bitch!" Anamika's voice came from the room before the door opened and shut with a bang. She walked to the door and stuffed her feet in her sandals.

"Where are you going?"

"To get her a pregnancy test. She says she was careful but I don't believe her. There is doubt written all over her face."

"Do you want me to come?"

"No, it's fine. Can you make something for the both of us? I made rice porridge for Priya and didn't have time to cook dinner."

Nila agreed, grateful for the distraction. Cooking didn't come effortlessly to her. She had to put a lot of thought and effort into the process so there was no way she could linger on her spiralling thoughts.

Nila took out onions to peel and dice. Usually she found some excuse to escape from onion-chopping but this time, it seemed like a good idea. As she diced them, tears stung her eyes. She kept wiping her eyes into her shoulders but the tears kept coming, like a never-ending stream. Nila sniffled, biting into her lips to stop trembling and focusing on the onion. Once she was done, she put them inside the dosa batter and gave it a good mix. She poured little white circles, watching it sizzle and turn golden brown with oil.

Nila tried to prepare the coriander chutney as slowly as possible but when she was done, she wished she had chosen something more complex and time-consuming to make. She moved on to one task after the other — cleaning the kitchen, checking up on Priya and warming some water for her, transferring the last of the jam into a newly opened jar and washing the old jar. She wanted to wash up but she was scared. Being in the shower always made her thoughts run crazy. Nila decided to wait until Anamika returned home.

Anamika walked into the living room with a plastic cover in her hand. "Why haven't you changed yet?" was the question she asked Nila.

So Nila had no choice but to go take a shower. She used freezing cold water and scrubbed her skin clean, focusing on it like she could make a horrible mistake if she didn't. She refused to think about it but the more she shut her mind out, the more her it opened up.

She needed advice. What would Vijay be feeling right now? She needed a man to help her.

Sanjay.

She quickly put on her night clothes and called him. "What's up, babe? You never call me so late," he greeted.

Only then she realised she couldn't get advice without letting him know what happened.

She had never told anyone about it except Anamika when she had been harassed before. Nila didn't know how Sanjay would react.

"Are you free?" she asked. When he said yes, she began, "Try to listen to what I say completely, okay? I need some advice."

Nila told him everything. She felt like she needed another shower as she recounted the incident but she gritted her teeth through it and focused more on Vijay. Sanjay was quiet the entire time she narrated it and it scared her. He was prone to interrupting others and didn't like following rules. But she kept going. "So, what I wanted to ask was what do you think —"

"It's Vijay's fault. Why the fuck wasn't he next to you? Don't both of you always stick together on the bus? What the fuck was he doing when he should be keeping you safe?" Sanjay bellowed out.

"It's not his duty to keep me safe. He's a friend," Nila said, trying to be calm.

"Well, he's a shitty friend then. Friends are supposed to look out for each other, right?"

"It's not his fault! He couldn't have known it was going to happen. You're getting mad at the wrong person here, Sanjay. What if Vijay wasn't on the bus? Who would you blame then? Me? For letting it happen?" Nila's voice wobbled, anger condensing into hot tears.

"No, Nila. You don't understand. What's the point of you spending so much time fantasising about him if he isn't even capable of protecting you? That too in the same bus! He should have been there next to you. I don't know how he could let this happen."

"Stop blaming him! You're the one being a shitty friend right now. But you men are all the same, aren't you? Being selfish and acting out on your feelings without considering the others' is what you do best. Did you once think about why I called you? Or that I needed a comforting friend right now rather than an angry macho male? And don't you dare blame Vijay. He defended me! If he was there next to me, he would have protected me. I don't want to talk to you. Forget I called you at all," Nila said, her spirit shattering into pieces. She began to sob openly, loudly, bringing her knees to her chest and burying her face in her lap. "I hate you so much!" she sobbed, before hanging up the call. Sanjay called again immediately but she switched off her mobile.

What a fool. Calling Sanjay had been a bad idea. Such a terrible, terrible idea. She really did know how to worsen her situation, didn't she?

She cried and cried. Tears for the way she was violated, for the way she was helpless, for Vijay to defend her but again strip her of her will, for sitting like a criminal in a police station, for breaking Vijay's spirit black and blue with her cowardice and for thinking Sanjay would help her. No man could ever solve her problems, could he?

Nila was an idiot.

And for that she cried.

The door to her room opened and in walked Anamika. Nila opened her eyes to see that her feet paused right in front of her and glanced up with blood-shot eyes. Anamika shoved a piece of paper and a pen onto her face.

"What is this?" Nila whispered.

"Quick. Write their names. Along with their phone numbers. I'll show them they chose to mess with the wrong person," she said plainly.

Nila stared at her blankly.

"Take it. Quick. I'm in the mood to take my frustration out on someone who deserves it." Anamika almost slapped her face with the sheet of paper.

A shaky laugh escaped her lips. "You're not serious."

"Do I look like I'm kidding?"

Anamika was lethal when she was mad. And she could tell she was mad because she was using the voice. The voice she used whenever she told them not to talk to her for a while before disappearing into the room with her headphones.

"No one," Nila squeaked. "I'm okay. I'm alright."

"You finished crying? Or do you have some more left in your system?"

Now that her tears were drying up, Nila felt her head getting heavy and exhaustion sagging her muscles. Her eyes were hot, her nose stinging from the furious wiping she had done with the back of her hands and her cheeks damp. She wanted to crawl into her bed and sleep it off. She moved to climb up onto her bed and slip under the covers.

"Not so fast. You haven't eaten dinner. If you want some strength in the morning after crying so loud, you need to eat. Come on."

With that, Anamika walked out the door.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

Vijay sat like a statue on his couch as his father went on and on about not being capable enough. "You're stupid if you still think all crimes get punished by the law. And she's a woman. She trusted you so much. How can you be so insensitive to her feelings? She looked terrified, and not because of what happened but because of how you'd dragged her to the police station. I don't know when you'll learn to control your emotions, Vijay."

Trusted.

"Leave him. What happened is over. You're making him feel worse," his mother chided his father.

"He should. You should look at that poor girl's face. She was trying so hard not to break down in front of everyone. Even though she was going through an emotional turmoil because of him, she chose Vijay to drop her back home. How strong must she be to not curse at you and leave but instead consider your feelings too! You should learn how to think rationally from her. She has a better control over her thoughts and emotions," his father continued.

Vijay's mother sighed and looked at her son. "Kanna, you go to your room. I'll bring your dinner. If you are in his sight, he will keep scolding you."

"You are the reason he is like this. You spoil him so much!" his father told her but his mother ignored him and made her son go to his room.

After some time, a knock sounded on Vijay's door. Vijay's mother walked in with a tray of food. He had showered by then and sat propped against the headboard, his feet under the sheets. "Don't starve yourself. I made your favourite soya bean curry."

Vijay didn't want one more person to be upset with him so he ate without argument. Only when the food touched his mouth, he realised how hungry he actually was.

"Who is this girl? You never told me about her."

"Her name is Nila. We go on the same bus everyday and we sort of became friends," he said.

A few moments of silence.

"I thought I was doing the right thing," Vijay whispered, "I thought I was protecting her. I-I didn't know I was making her more upset. I didn't think about it, Ma. I don't know why I didn't think about it. When I saw that creep rubbing himself on her, all I could think about was: How dare he? How dare he even think of touching her? I-I wanted to kill him."

He waited for his mother to scold him for his violent thoughts but she simply smiled sadly. "From whom did you think you got this from? Your father was the same man you are. If the same situation happened to me and your father was on the bus, he would've acted the same way you did. That's just how the men in this house are. Protective. You simply love to protect people, especially women and those you love. But do you know why your father scolded you so much?"

Vijay glanced up at her.

"He was like you when he joined the police workforce. It was very difficult for him. He endured so much disappointment, regret, and dejection. It's taught him a lot of things and hardened him into who he is now. When he realised you were a copy of him, he made you promise not to be a policeman because he was scared you'll go through the same things as him. You'll lose hope in the world and humanity if you take up the job. He didn't want you to pay that price.

"Your father wants you to understand so many things but he doesn't know how to teach it. That's why he's harsh on you. He wants you to learn on your own but you won't unless you face it, right? So think of what happened as a lesson. And when you are protecting someone, your focus should be on that person and their safety. Not the person you are defending them from. Punishing them is secondary," she said, leaning forward and smoothening his hair.

Vijay understood what had gone wrong. He regretted how he handled things. He was ashamed of how he'd been inconsiderate. But...

"Ma, do you think she-she hates me now?" His voice cracked. He was terrified of losing Nila.

"Oh, Vijay," his mother said, hugging him. "You care for her, don't you?"

He nodded, tears building in his eyes. The last thing he had wanted to do was hurt Nila. And he had gone and done exactly that and not even known about it until she had to tell him. How crude and stupid could he get than this?

"You regret what you did and want her forgiveness more than anything?"

"Yes."

"Then tell her that. Apologise. Make her believe you'll be better. You should not play games, wait on the other to understand on their own or come talk to you. You should be honest and direct. Be mature when you're handling issues like this, okay?"

"You think we can go back to being friends after this?"

Vijay's mother laughed. "Of course, kanna. This is something that can be fixed. Don't worry so much."

"Okay. I will talk to her," he said, squeezing his mother in a hug and letting go. "Thanks, Ma."

She collected the plate and stood up. "Sometimes I worry that you're growing up too fast but when you do things like this, I realise you're still my little baby and you have a long way to go."

"Ma, that's just a twisted way of saying I'm too dumb for my age!"

She chuckled. Before she left the room, she paused and turned around. "You like her, don't you?"

Vijay glanced down. He didn't say a thing. It was written all over his face anyway.

"All I'd like to say is be careful. I don't want you to become like your br—"

"Ma. I know. Goodnight." His words were an icy spell. He crept under the covers and pulled out his phone, turning his back against his mother.

He could hear her sigh. "Goodnight, kanna." She switched off the light and shut the door.

Vijay closed his eyes and took deep breaths before shaking his thoughts away and unlocking his phone. There was a message from Nila.

Hey, Vijay. I was just thinking and I feel bad for acting the way I did. I may have come off as ungrateful but it's truly the opposite. I am so grateful for you, everyday, whatever you do for me. Even just your company. I was so scared that I was helpless again today but when you held my hand, I could breathe again. You've comforted me so much, Vijay. I am sorry for what happened today. I am sorry if I hurt you with my words and negated your help. It was never my intention to do that and I know it wasn't your intention to ignore my feelings as well. I thought I needed space from you but your father made me understand why you acted the way you did. It made me feel less hurt. Since you seemed to be wanting space now, I thought maybe conveying this to you might ease the hurt I caused you and you might reconsider.

If you still want space from me, I am willing to give you that, even though it breaks my heart. Just know that I don't want to be mad at you anymore. I want to go back to normal. I want to go back to being us. Please don't ignore me, Vijay. If I've hurt you, I'll apologize again and again. But don't ignore me, Vijay. Please. Promise me we can fix this. I don't want to lose you.

I'm sorry if this is too much or if this isn't what you wanted to hear right now. I just had to tell you this.

Vijay read the message more than five times. His eyes teared up again as he barked out a choked laugh.

She was such an idiot if she thought she should apologise for what happened. There was no reason at all for her to. It should be him begging her for forgiveness.

Thank you for texting me. Though, you should stop being sorry for things you never did. Stop overthinking and get some sleep. We'll talk tomorrow.

And you're quite ambitious to think you have a chance of losing me, silver.

━━━━━━━━━━━━