Chapter 15 ~ Consequence

What had I done? I'd let the monster out. I'd killed my friend. I'd killed Kat. I swore all those years ago that I would never let the monster inside me free ever again and I'd broken it. I don't know why I'd let the rage overpower me. I had managed to keep it in check for so many years and tonight I'd failed. Murderer. Monster. Killer. The words circled in my mind like predators attacking their prey. Each one another stab to my chest.

I couldn't breathe. I barely managed to choke down gasps as I lay curled up on the floor. I had no idea how much time passed. All I could hear were those words. Murderer. Monster. Killer. Over and over again in a never-ending cycle. All I could see was Kat's face as I'd lunged. The terror in her eyes. All I could taste was her blood in my mouth.

I heaved again, the fact that there was nothing left inside me didn't seem to stop the violent spasming of my stomach. My closed eyes did nothing to block out the violent images flashing through my mind. I could barely hear my violent sobs over the ringing in my ears. And each breath was a desperate struggle to take. Murderer. Monster. Killer.

I flinched away when a hand touched my arm, curling my back against the bar and raising my hands in front of my face. A half hearted-attempt to defend myself when deep in my heart I knew I deserved whatever my attacker threw at me. I probably deserved worse. Murderer. Monster. Killer.

"Delilah," Somehow his voice soothed me even in the depths of my despair. I didn't dare open my eyes. I didn't even move. But this time when he reached out to place a gentle hand on my side I didn't jump away. His hand on my side drew my attention to the violent shudder that wracked my body with every sob. To my hungry gasps for air.

I heard him slide to a seat beside me and curled myself tighter into a ball. His hand rubbed up and down my back in a soothing rhythm that I started drawing my breath to. He didn't speak again, only sat stroking my broken body as my mind tortured me with my sins. Murderer. Monster. Killer.

I don't know how much time passed as he sat there in silence beside my shaking body. But he remained until the violent sobs subsided. Until I had no tears left to cry and even while I laid curled up in deafening silence he didn't move from my side. And all the while his fingers rubbed soothing patterns on my skin.

"I'm sorry," I whispered into my hands when I could take the silence no longer. His hand stilled on my skin at my words but resumed their previous pattern a moment later. I heard him shuffle his position and then clear his throat.

"You have nothing to apologise for Delilah," He said, keeping his volume at the same level as mine had been,"And," He hesitated, "You're not a murderer, or a monster or a killer or anything similar." I flinched as he spoke the words that were still circling in my mind.

"I let it out," I whispered, "I wasn't supposed to let it out. I knew it would hurt people. That's what they do." I choked back a fresh onslaught of tears as I speak the words out loud. I feel his hand recoil from my side as I speak and I know he must be disgusted by me.

"Let what out?" He asked, "Your wolf?" I squirmed at the word, desperate to escape the hideous beast inside me.

"I know this probably isn't what you want to hear right now, but when you're a wolf you're still you. The wolf skin doesn't change your thoughts or feelings. It doesn't think for itself, it doesn't control you. It is you and you are it. Everything you did back there. That was you. That was your anger. Your hatred." I shook my head pushing myself up with my hands to look at him.

"No. Please. Stop. Please. It wasn't. It couldn't have been. I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't want her dead. I didn't." He impaled me with those dark storm cloud eyes, forcing me to hold his gaze.

"Maybe not before, or now when you're calm and thinking rationally. Of course you didn't want to hurt her. The rational part of your brain would never have hurt her. And you would never have killed her in cold blood. But when you heard what she was doing you were just as angry as the rest of us. More so, because this was someone that you knew. Someone that you had trusted for years. She betrayed you and you were angry. You fought back to protect yourself and every Mythic that she might harm. All you did was perform the justice that the Council had already sentenced her to."

I understood the words he was saying. The logic behind it. Kat was going to die either way. I'd just taken her death out of another's hands. And yet it didn't ease the heavy weight in the pit of my stomach or swirl of accusations in my mind. I was a monster. Plain and simple.

For the first time since I'd witnessed the horrors of the lab she'd created in my name, my thoughts drifted back to the cure. It had been in my pocket when I shifted. Probably long gone by now. With that thought I realised I hadn't put any clothes back on after I'd changed back. I glanced down to find half my body exposed and a white sheet covering my lower half. I grabbed it and pulled it up to my chin. Kellan must have draped it over me when he arrived. And hadn't bothered to mention anything after I sat up. I groaned, letting the embarrassment boil over into annoyance and then anger.

"Where are my clothes?" I asked, not wanting to alert him to the fact that there was a vial of cure in them if I didn't have to. He stared at me for a moment to long before dropping his gaze. "Delilah, you can't blame everything bad that happens on the fact that you're a Wolf." He snapped at me climbing to his feet and pacing towards the door.

"If I was human this would never have happened," I slammed my hand against the front of the bar beside me, the horror of the night turning to anger as the panic faded into the background. His entire body went rigid at the words.

"Well, you're not human. You're a Mythic," He barked,turning to face me eyes blazing. "If I take the cure, I will be," I snapped back at him. Who did he think he was?

"There is no cure. They destroyed everything in the lab. Any progress they made is long gone now." He turned back and took the last few strides towards the door. I felt the familiar unscratchable itch beneath my skin. The insatiable need to get it out of me. To be free of the monster inhabiting my body.

"Where are my clothes?" I asked again pushing myself to my feet ready to hunt him down if I had to. He paused with one hand on the door and turned his head to the side. He watched me for an eternity before he finally pointed to the top of the bar beside where I stood.

I jumped over to the pile as he stepped through the door. My fingers rifled through the material. Desperate to feel the cool glass of the vial still intact in the pocket. When that didn't work, I picked each piece up one by one and shook them out. It wasn't there. I threw the shredded material across the room piece by piece. It had to be here. It had to to.

But there wasn't even a single sliver of glass left behind. I turned for the door and ran out. Kellan stood leaning against his truck as if waiting for me to follow him out.

"Where is it?" I snarled. The corner of his mouth lifted in the hint of a smile and rage flooded me. "Somewhere safe." He turned to open the driver side door and I charged at him. He caught me mid-step, stopping me with one hand. I struggled against him and he waited holding me at a distance until I stopped. Defeated.

"Please," I begged, "Please, just give it to me. I can't live like this! I'll do anything you want just please let me destroy this thing inside me. I just want to be normal. Safe. Human. Please." I could feel the tears threatening again and I hated myself for being so weak.

"Let me teach you." His calm tone was jarring after the desperate pleas that had escaped me and I stared at him with wide eyes and raised eyebrows.

"What?" I gasped. Had he said let him teach me?

"Let me teach you."

"Teach me what?" Each word came out as a question itself and the sentence sounded stunted even to my ears.

"How to be a Wolf. How to control your emotions and use them to your advantage." I shook my head, no way was I getting anywhere near that thing ever again. Kat's terrified face flashed before my eyes and I stumbled back.

"Please just give me the cure," I begged again, "Why do you even want to teach me?"

"Let me teach you. Let me answer all the questions you've been asking yourself for years. If you still want it after you know the truth. After you've bonded properly with your Wolf side. Then I'll give it to you and you can do whatever you want with it."

"You'll answer everything?" I had so many unanswered questions. He nodded. "And then you'll give me the cure?"

"You have to learn to be a Wolf too," My breath sped up as I considered that. Considered allowing myself to shift again. Becoming the monster I despised. I thought about the vial and what it would mean if I got my hands on it. I could feel my mind tearing in two. I closed my eyes.

"Okay," I whispered, heart trying to beat its way out of my chest. He grinned and opened the passenger door for me. I stepped inside.

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