XXI

XXI

Good morning Shi. Meet me in the London’s eye 2day @ lunch. Paulo :)

Paulo became my boyfriend when I was in first Year College. He was a sweet boy who had every feature a girl wanted for her ideal man. I met him during a party in one of our mutual friends. We had started to get along since then, until he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I did not realize up to that time that my feelings for him developed.

Comparing to my first boyfriend, my affection for him was deeper and I knew it was already love. He was my best friend and boyfriend at the same time. He cared for me, as I cared for him. I forgot the world when I was with him. However, there was no happy ending between us. I broke up with him after his cold treatment to me when I rejected him for his desire to take my innocence.

In the back of my mind, there was a small voice shouting a remorse and I wanted to take back my rejection. But if he really loved me, he could wait for our wedding night. I was depressed for months after we broke up, and lastly, moved on when I saw him, one morning in the locker area, making out with a dark-headed girl.

That was the only time I finally accepted that we were done.

Prince Alexander and I came back to the palace just a few moments after I received the message. We were fetched by one of his bodyguards, Artemis, because His Majesty needed to attend the meeting called by the Queen this morning.

Time passed very fast that I did not notice we were together for about three hours. And I was late for my work. This was his fault!

We were quiet in our ride way back only until Prince Alexander broke it.

“Who texted you?” he asked as if he were aware of what running inside my head. I saw the gate of the palace outside the car.

“L-lola,” I stuttered, “My best friend, she just greeted me good morning.” I smiled to make him believe that I was telling the truth. He just nodded. I exhaled immediately the air I was holding since he asked the question.

The silence continued. Even though we were with Prince Alexander, the guards checked our car for security reasons. We spent the next few minutes there. Artemis drove again and we stopped at the main door. I instantly climbed out without waiting for anyone to open my door.

I did not glance to the prince anymore as I entered the palace.

I stopped when I heard him said, “See you later.”

I looked over my shoulder to see him gloriously standing in the door and nodded.

-----

When lunchtime arrived, I still could not decide if I would meet Paulo in the London’s eye. What if he was not there? Was I already prepared to face him after not seeing each other for years? I was afraid of something; I had no idea what it was. However, I was afraid to look at him again.

I replied to his text earlier: Hey, Pau, kinda busy right now. Let’s meet next time. You’re in?

Less than a minute, there was a response from him: 30 mins pls? I just want to b w/ sum1 I know in dis strange country :) I miss u Shi.

I suddenly missed home. He was right. In this foreign country, you should have someone you knew in your own country to ease the homesick problem. Paulo had been one of my good friends, what was wrong to meet him now, by the way? I missed him, too. I just did not know if I missed him as a friend or I missed him as a lover.

I texted back: Okay, let’s meet in a few.

A cab brought me to the place where the London’s eye located. It was the biggest Ferris wheel I had ever seen. Possibly, three times huger than the normal. It was white and composed of many cars. When I was still in Chicago, I dreamed to ride there to see the entire London. This was a dream came true to be here right now.

Before I could recover myself from my amazement to the Ferris wheel, someone shouted.

“Shi!”

I turned around to see a man running toward me. He was broader than he was during his graduation day, which was the last time I saw him. His jet-black hair brushed up like the old days. I smiled when his dark eyes locked with mine. I realized that my fear was right.

My fear to fall in love with him again.

“Hi,” I said when he was already standing in front me.

He hugged me. “Oh Shi, I miss you so much.” I felt his lips on my forehead, and I only stood still for a while. I felt a guilt forming in my chest.

“Hello, Pau,” I responded once he removed his arms around me, “How are you?”

“I’m damned fine,” he smiled, which made him more handsome than his blank face. “Let’s have a ride, so we could talk more.”

Still in awkward tone, I respond, “Sure.”

We rode in one of the cars. Paulo treated me a ticket to ride. We sat across each other, smiling like idiots. I did not know what to say to him or how I would start to speak. No doubt, he also felt the same. If we were still in a relationship, for sure, I was sitting beside him while his arms wrapped around me.

The Ferris wheel started to move slowly like a snail. In every second we went up, our silence also increased. Who would start the talking anyway?

Paulo cleared his throat and said, looking through the glass of the car, “London has one of the best views in the world.”

I followed his gaze and saw some buildings and places that were able to see in this level. We were halfway of the actual height of the London’s eye, but the size of the people and cars below were nearly a dot.

“I agree,” I replied without any eye contacts. I felt his stares moved from my hair to my heels, but I did not mind him at all.

“So, Shi, a personal accountant of the prince eh?”

“Yes,” I looked at him, but not directly on his eyes. I was staring at his nose. “Wait, how did you know? And also my number, where did you get it?”

He smirked. “Who do you think?”

Without a second thought, I answered, “Lola.” I rolled my eyes. My best friend was optimistic about my second chance relationship with Paulo. She wanted him for me. I had no idea what she saw in this man. He was like other ordinary men; his only difference was I had loved him in the past.

“We bumped each other in a café last week before I went here,” he voiced out, “I was only trying to get your number from her, but she gave it to me immediately. Then, she told me you’re already here, working for the prince.”

Lola was still Lola, no matter what happened. “Are you also working here?” I curiously asked him.

He shook his head. “Actually, my friend invited me to accompany him in the most awaited wedding of the year here in England.”

“Your friend?” I almost added ‘do I know him?’ but stopped myself before spilling it from my mouth. When we were still together, I used to know all his friends for the reason I wanted to know the people around him and to stop my suspicion every time he was with a friend. Gladly, almost all his friends were boys. That was before.

“Remember Caleb?” he narrowed his eyes and I nodded. He was our good friend back then. “He has a photography company now. I know you know how I love photography. It isn’t my job right now, but my hobby. He just invited me to help him for free.”

I giggled. “Seriously? For free?”

“Yes, it’s okay, I’m happy to take pictures. I don’t need money, you know,” I smiled at his desire to photography. He was still the Paulo I knew after what we had gone through. “I’m happy that I can still make you smile.”

I looked away. Although we were at the top of the Ferris wheel now, I could not appreciate the magnificent view of London because of the tension in our car. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I tried to recall my feelings for him, how they felt, how they made me happy. Did I still have them?

I opened my eyes and saw the palace from the distance. I suddenly remembered him. We had a coffee break, this noon. I looked at my wristwatch and saw that our lunch break would end soon. He would wait for me to show up in his office.

“Pau, I don’t hate you, you can still make me smile like before,” I said after a long pause.

“So it only means that you still have your feelings for me,” before I could say a word, he continued, “Let’s be together, Shi. You and I like years ago in our own world.”

“Pau…” he interrupted me again.

“I continued to love you, Shirley, I tried my best to move on. But you are different,” he kneeled on the glass floor of the car and took my hand, “Will you be my girlfriend again?”

The question echoed in my ears like a bullet, fast and hurtful. I pictured his cold hard eyes when he left me at the park in Chicago after I broke up with him. I wanted to apologize, but my mouth was dry as a field during hot summer days. The feeling was mutual this time.

Although no one spoke for the last several minutes, his dark eyes pleaded for the second chance he sought. I removed my hand from his grasp, and shook my head.

“I won’t,” it was more breathe than words, “Sorry.”

“Why, Shi?” he went back to his seat and ran his both hands through his hair, “You don’t know how miserable I was for not seeing you these past few years.”

My conscience stirred inside me, and I kept on insisting that it was not my fault if he lived like that for those years we were apart. My memories with him were like a blur now. It was hard for me to remember the feelings I felt for him or at least the pinch that always wounded my heart when I pitied him.

I looked at him for the very first time after he asked the question. This was the time I realized that the love, I proudly shouted in the world, was already gone. And never be retrieved again. If I was afraid earlier, it was only because I would see him again after I moved on and lost the affection somewhere. It was as if someone removed the thorn on my chest. The thorn planted on me when I fell in love with Paulo.

I loved him before, but now, I only saw him as an old friend who became part of my life.

“Pau, I like… someone else,” I muttered, looking directly in his dark eyes, which hardened like a stone when he heard me.

“Who is he? Do I know him?” his questions came out rushed as if he would punch the name I would say.

I blinked several times before saying, “It’s complicated, he doesn’t know about my feelings… yet.”

“What if he doesn’t like you?” his question was a shovel slapped on my face if I did not know the truth, “I’m here for you, Shirley, always. Even though you hurt my ego that night.”

“He likes me,” I smiled cautiously, “but as of now, I’m not sure of my feelings for him. I’m carefully discovering it because I don’t want to break his heart. I want him to be happy.”

Paulo’s face was beyond upset. He massaged his temples to cover his watery eyes. I was more than guilty for saying that to him. However, I did not care. I was cruel, was not I?

Before Paulo could reply, the Ferris wheel stopped and someone opened our door. We were already on the land, and our ride ended. I went out first a young man helped me. Paulo followed placing his hand on my lower back. I winced once I felt his touch. It is different now.

I walked faster without waiting for him. He clamped his hand on my elbow and turned me to face him.

“Shi, please don’t leave me like this,” his voice was weak and almost a sob.

“I’m late on my work,” I reasoned, “I’m not angry, don’t worry.”

“Do we have another chance?” he inserted the topic again.

I eyed everything but him, “Pau, you should live a life without me, because I am already building a life without you.” I smiled and sighed, “I’m not the right girl for you. You should find her. Probably she is waiting for you to come out from your shell.”

He removed his hand from my elbow at the same time I felt nothing.