71 - In Awe Of (2) [July 7th, Age 15]

There was a third person. I kind of assumed there would be—“kind of” in the sense that I didn’t really think about it, but once I heard his voice it all made sense. Nobody travels alone in this war, so Esther had to come here with someone—that, or Loybol had to have a third person with her so that Esther could have a companion on her way out.

The voice was Yoru’s. He’d left Esther’s car running in front of the building and came inside to see me—waving and saying, “Hey,” softly as he came through the door as if he was worried about startling me.

“Hey,” I replied.

He rubbed his eyes. “Jesus. It’s been a while.”

His voice was a bit lower than usual. Slightly strained.

“Is everything alright?”

“I’m fine,” he said, in a tone I immediately recognized. “How about you?”

“I got a concussion from the mission I was on with Bell,” I said, giggling again. At this point I’d said it to so many people that it didn’t even feel like an English phrase anymore. Yoru didn’t live inside my head, so the humor of the situation was lost on him. All he did was crease up his face a bit in confusion.

I finished my sentiment, saying, “Almost died, I think, but I’m all good now. How about you?”

He blinked. “You already asked me how I was.”

“I know,” I said. “But you said it the same way I do, so I know you’re lying.”

He rolled his eyes, the moisture swirling back into his skull like a whirlpool over a drain. “God.”

“We can talk about it,” I said.

I wasn’t prepared to comfort him, but I was operating under the assumption that all Yoru would have to do is talk about his ailments for a bit and then they’d just magically vaporize. That was how it was when we lived in this building, so I assumed it’d be more of the same.

“You probably already know what it is,” he said, shoving his hands in his jean pockets and tilting his head down and away from me. “Everybody fuckin’ knows.”

I had a decent idea, if it was really that simple. “Was it—”

“Yeah,” he said, before I could actually say what it was. He pursed his lips, took a deep breath through his nose. Let the fire settle back down before finishing his thought. “It is.”

“I didn’t even say what I thought yet,” I said.

“But you were going to say something about Benji, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Of course,” he said. Pausing. “Because everybody fuckin’ knows.”

“Would you rather we didn’t?”

“I’d rather he be alive,” Yoru snapped. “That’s what I’d rather have.”

My breath caught for a half-second, and once my throat unlocked I said, “Okay.”

He shook his head. “Shit. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be snapping at you. You’ve got nothing to do with this.”

“I’m a part of the team. It matters to me, too.”

“I guess, but you two hated each other.”

I didn’t have the heart to lie about that, but the truth was too sour, so I said nothing and let that speak its truth for itself.

“I talked to Benji pretty frequently,” Yoru said, after a moment. Fidgeting where he stood, and still not quite looking at me. “Especially toward the beginning of the war. No offense, but he kind of saw me and Cygnus as the “normal ones”, you know? And then Ava in a “mostly normal but kind of crazy” spot and you and Bell in—just, completely in orbit.”

That all checked out. “Yeah.”

I thought he was going to go on—launch into some old story about him and Benji frolicking through the meadows or something—but his voice caught in his throat and he shoved his hands in his pockets. Still refusing to look at me. “I don’t know. He trusted me, Erika. He felt safe with me and I blew it.”

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For a moment, I didn’t know what to say, but he didn’t add anything else, so I had time to think. Loybol and Esther hadn’t yet come out of the upstairs hallway. There was a chance, somehow, to make this right.

Nothing came to mind for me that didn’t feel like a pointless platitude, so I went further back—to a person I no longer was—to see if they had anything to offer instead.

“I’ve been there,” I said.

“I know,” he replied.

It didn’t sound like he actually did, so I went on anyway. “When I had to do that—that rescue mission in Syracuse with the little girl, and you picked me up after I’d—after I blew it.”

“I know,” he said, again, more forcefully. “And I get that it’s similar, but…Benji was my boss. He was my friend, and that kid—she was a stranger. Pulling that off or fucking it up didn’t really have any consequences, did it? Like—you weren’t ever going to have to look her family in the eye and tell her mother that you let her daughter die. That wasn’t going to happen. I—I have to look all you people square in the face and say, or not say, because everyone knows, that I fucking let Benji die. And I just have to eat that, I guess, because it’s true and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“It’s not true,” I said, softly.

“It is!” he snapped. “Fuck. I let myself get distracted by a weird noise, it dropped my guard for a half-second and pop, he was dead. I didn’t even get to kill the guy who did it. He was too far away, I couldn’t see him.”

He paused for a second. “I think you got him, actually. It was probably the same guy who went after you two at Sal’s place.”

“Maybe.” I wasn’t entirely there anymore. “Probably.”

“I don’t even get revenge. God dammit.”

He grimaced, shook his head. Shoved his hands in his pockets. “Fuck. I was on, I don’t know, step eight, and now I feel like I’m back to step three or something. Staring at you is making this so much worse for some reason. Shit. I’m getting back in the car. Tell Loybol and Esther where I am if they need me.”

He turned around to the doors and his shoulders sank. “Where the fuck are the cars?”

I shrugged. “They’re gone?”

“Of course you didn’t,” he mumbled. Yoru stood there for a second, eyes moving side to side, swaying a little. He wanted to go somewhere, I figured, but didn’t have any idea where he could go that wouldn’t make everything so much worse.

Every part of this place would remind him of something.

Around that time, Loybol and Esther came back out of the upstairs hallway. There was a rumbling outside, beyond the doors—the cars were back, I supposed, just in time.

They came down the steps and Loybol waved to Yoru, who gave a terse little upward nod in response but offered no words. As they approached, one of Loybol’s people—attendants, maids, standees, slaves, whatever you wanted to call them—came up to her and said, “We’ve swapped the cars. Jeff is working on repainting them now. They should be recolored with new license plates by tomorrow.”

“Perfect. Thank you,” Loybol said, waving him off. “You’re dismissed.”

The attendant made small bow—barely more than a tilted head, but a definite gesture of submission—and walked off toward the left-hand downstairs hallway.

Loybol grimaced slightly, watching him go, then turned her attention back to the two of us. “Alright—let’s get started. Yoru, you’re taking Esther to Cygnus and Bell—they should be in the Home Depot in Middletown by noon. You’ll be swapping places with Bell and holding in the area with Cygnus until we call you. Tomorrow or the day after, depending on how things go, the four of us are going to head to White Plains and follow Sal’s lead.”

“Four?” he asked.

“You, me, Cygnus, and Erika. They won’t be expecting that many of us there. You and Erika will be keeping an eye on the place upstairs while Cygnus and I take care of business below.”

He pursed his lips for a moment. Looked down. “Understood.”

Loybol paused. Didn’t buy it. “Yoru, look at me.”

With a herculean effort, he did.

“I’m not pairing it this way because I don’t trust you. I’m sending you alone with Esther first. That should be proof enough. I can’t accompany Esther myself because I have some business to attend to. You’ve already successfully fended off an assassination attempt once, so I know you can do it. What happened with Benji is past. It is what it is. There’s no key for necromancy, so don’t act like there could be. Until this conflict is resolved we don’t have time to ponder what could have been—we can only work with what is. What is is that Benji is dead. What is about to be is that you’ll be making sure nothing happens to Esther. Focus on that. You’ve already proven that you can do it. Okay?”

Yoru sucked in a hard breath. “But I—”

Loybol took a step forward and put a hand on his shoulder. His voice died in his throat, instantly, the second she made contact.

“I wouldn’t be pairing it this way if I didn’t trust you. Do you understand the mission?”

He swallowed hard. Let his breath out. “I understand.”

“Good,” she said. “You two take the truck. Esther drives. Keep the windows down in the back but not the front, and don’t get on the highway. That should make it easier for you, and there’s not much of a rush for you guys, so take your time. Stay safe and be at the assigned location on time tomorrow. Esther—tell Cygnus what I told you, then swap as necessary. I’ll leave the logistics of that to you. You and Bell are coming back here—we’ve got some unfinished business to attend to with Sal, and I’d like Bell to be there for it. Okay?”

The idea of some unfinished business with Sal involving both Esther and Bell was enough to turn my stomach. I wasn’t exactly a member of Sal’s fan club but I couldn’t possibly imagine what he’d done to deserve a fate like that.

Well—I could, if I tried. I just didn’t want to.

“Got it,” Esther said. Thumbs up.

And then Loybol turned to me. “Let’s go.”

I followed her through the doors and out into the world again.