Between Desire and Denial: Chapter 45

It was another week of me visiting my brother in the hospital and of Dimitri and I laying low around town. He stayed close to me and reassured me everything would be okay. We talked about telling our families about the baby once we went to the doctor and knew he or she was healthy.

I wanted to keep the news to ourselves for now and Dimitri agreed, saying that when I was ready to share with more people, I’d know. I realized that he wanted me comfortable at all costs and I had been. I’d feared having a family because I’d lost so much of mine at one point.

That didn’t mean I couldn’t rebuild it or that I couldn’t create a new one. I saw the strength in myself now, saw the support I had around me, and knew I deserved a family if that’s what I wanted now.

My brother was a part of that family I wanted. I wanted him out of the hospital and getting well. I hurried to get ready the day before the board meeting and was ready to drive to the hospital when I glanced out the window and saw my brother sitting in front of the porch on our steps.

I ran out there. “Knox, you’re out of the hospital? They didn’t call!” I leapt over the broken floorboards to hug him. “How are you? When did you get out? Are you okay?”

“One question at a time, Olive Bee.” He chuckled. “I was released this morning. Told them not to call anyone. I needed a minute to think. It was early. I’m eighteen, so technically an adult and they didn’t mention my release to Dad. Don’t worry. I went home. No one’s there.”

“He contact you?”

“No.” Knox took a deep breath. “He won’t Olive. It wasn’t good before …”

He didn’t finish his sentence, and I didn’t know how to ask him the rest. I put my hand on his arm and murmured, “You can tell me when you’re ready.”

“I should be ready now.” His jaw flexed while he combed a hand through his curly hair. “I’m not proud of what happened. I’m not even sure— I’m sorry we put you through this, Olive.” His voice broke off, and his face crumpled as I sat down next to him on that porch. He cried on my shoulder, and I wrapped my arm around him.

It was just a moment. A single moment in time that I knew I would never take for granted. My brother was home, and he was breaking in front of me, but he was here, where we could figure things out together.

Once he had enough composure, I told him what I knew, told him how I’d confronted our father, and he winced.

“I shouldn’t have taken a hit from him. I shouldn’t have tested anything for them, but I knew the product and … It was dumb. I’d been doing better.” Knox admitted that the Irish had told them their drugs were clean, and my dad literally had Knox try them on their way back from the city.

“I’m going to get out of town,” Knox murmured. “For a few days. Jameson stopped by the hospital right as I was about to be released. Sounds like he’s about to have it out with the Irish. I got security on me till then.”

“He thinks it’s that dangerous?” I glanced down the road.

“I think it’s mostly dangerous for Dad since the board is going to vote to approve whatever companies Dimitri would like in his office building tomorrow.”

“That’s good, right?” I said slowly, not sure where he stood right at that moment.

“Yeah.” He nodded. “It’s going to be all good.”

I wasn’t sure he thought so, but I didn’t want to overwhelm him, so I focused on something small. “Should we go inside? Leave my mess of a porch?”

“Dimitri do this?” he asked, pointing to the broken wood.

“Unfortunately, he’s not much of a handyman.” I chuckled.

“Doesn’t look like handiwork. Looks like demolition work.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I’m pretty sure he’s in love with you.” My brother took a sip of the water he had in his bottle. “I’m pretty sure I’m in love with Esme, and I fucked up my whole life because of it. We cause destruction when we think our hearts are in jeopardy of being broken.”

I froze at his confession and looked up at him. “Wait. Did you say you love Esme?” He nodded and smiled a little. He looked so young and innocent when he did. “She’s such a beautiful and nice girl, Knox.” I hoped this was his step in the right direction.

“She’s dating again. Not me. Went to get coffee with a guy recently.” His jaw worked up and down. “I’m not going to freak out anymore, though. I’m sorry I did and made the wrong-ass decision with Dad.”

“That’s not your fault.”

“It is. I was mad about her, and then, damn, I don’t know. Just didn’t care in the moment.” He sighed. “I should have answered when you called too. Didn’t know what to say, and I didn’t want you worrying.”

I chose honesty rather than white lies. “I’m always going to worry about you.”

“Yeah, I know. I worry about me a lot too.” He flexed his hand over and over on his water jug, a sign I was getting used to understanding as his nervous movement. “You think Esme will talk to me again if I go to rehab and therapy?”

“Is that the only reason you’d go?” I asked softly.

He grunted. “No. I’m gonna go either way.”

“That’s good. That’s really good, Knox.” The words I’d wanted to hear so badly hit me hard. “Can I ask one thing of you?”

“You name it.”

“Don’t ever go back to those men again, and if Dad or Georgette calls—”

“I won’t be answering. I don’t think they’re worried about us, honestly. They’re worried about the Irish. It looked like he cleared out a lot from our house.”

To think that man had left his family, his son and daughter, to flee like the coward he was.

“Right … So,” I cleared my throat and sat up a bit straighter. “I’m going to go to therapy with you if that’s okay. I’m so mad at our father, I don’t think I’ll get over it otherwise.” I grabbed his hand to stop his nervous movement. “Please say yes.”

“If I said no, what would you do?”

“Still go.”

“Right.” He rolled his eyes. “Guess that’s what siblings are for.”

I nodded. “I think everyone needs a bit of therapy in their lives, and what better way to get through the hard stuff than with someone who loves you? I’ve got some stuff I’m going to need your help with too.” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes before I told him, “I’m pregnant and kind of freaking out about it.”

“Pregnant?” My little brother whispered like he couldn’t believe it and his eyes dropped to my belly. “Freaking out why?”

I frowned, not sure I should be overwhelming him right then. “We don’t need to talk about this right now.”

“Of course we do. You’re here for me, and I’m here for you.” He nudged his shoulder into mine. “Tell me what’s freaking you out.”

I chewed my cheek and looked out at the neighborhood. “At first, I was scared to have a family. Now, I’m scared I might do something wrong and lose him or her. I’ve known now for a week and I don’t know if I’m doing everything right. Like what if I’m not eating right? And then what if I don’t get enough therapy and mess him or her up in some way later on?”

It was his turn to squeeze my hand and soothe my nerves. “You’re going to do everything right. And when you don’t, Dimitri and I will be there to help.”

“You mean that? Because I’m going to stay here in Paradise Grove, Knox,” I told him. “I’m going to stay, and maybe you will too?”

He nodded. “You probably got to figure out what the hell you’re doing with Dimitri first.”

“He can either stay with us or he can go.”

Knox laughed. “His ass isn’t going anywhere, Olive Bee. He’d burn in hell with you if that’s where you were.”

“Well, we might have to go through it first to get this over with.”

He pulled me in for a hug and then said, “Let me know when you’re starting the fire, and I’ll help.”

I nodded and hugged him back. “You need to help yourself first. You can’t stay with Dad and Georgette. They’re too—”

“I know. I’m going to look into some other places, and I talked with D.”

“About what?” I frowned. “When?”

Dimitri appeared in the doorway and opened the screen door. “You two are going to kill yourselves out here with the jagged edges of this porch. Get inside.”

“What did you talk to my brother about?”

“About how he’s going to rehab and then staying here. With us.”

“But wait?” I shook my head. “When?”

“He left the hospital and they updated me. So I called him and let him know.”

“But we didn’t discuss—”

“Nothing to discuss when it comes to family, Honeybee.” He was so damn sure of himself that I almost melted at the way he spoke about my brother, because technically that wasn’t his family, yet.

“Anyway, I’m going to stay for a while, and we’ve found a rehab place.” Knox nodded at Dimitri like they’d become friends.

“You did this for me?” I whispered to him.

“No.” Dimitri shook his head. “This one I did for your brother, who I’m pretty damn certain is going to be my brother.”

“Dimitri,” I sighed. “Don’t start. Do you want more water or something to eat?”

“Erm … You two are planning to get married already?” Knox looked surprised, and I practically stumbled as I walked toward the kitchen.

“No,” I said as Dimitri said, “Yes.”

He chuckled. “That’s going to be interesting.”

“He gets ahead of himself,” I told Knox.

“She’s in denial a lot,” he responded immediately.

Knox laughed at us both, then we all laughed together, like we didn’t have a million other problems to solve that day. When we sobered enough, Knox murmured. “I’m probably going to fuck up a lot, guys.”

“Great. You and your sister can both sit in this house and think about your fuckups at the same time since her ass was down the street fighting with her childhood bully out in public for all to see.”

“Am I missing something?”

“Please shut up.” I shook my head and pinched the bridge of my nose. “Now is not the time, Dimitri.”

He started to laugh and then turned to my brother and put his arm around his shoulder. “Come on. I’ll tell you all about it.” And he proceeded to walk Knox into the living room, telling him all about my temper tantrum at the salon.

Knox’s laugh boomed throughout my house so loudly I couldn’t help but snicker. Then he looked over at me and said, “Mom would have been proud of you, Olive Bee. Sticking up for yourself and being dramatic. It’s what she loved most about you.”

I turned away fast before they both saw me tearing up and rushed around the kitchen to whip up some dinner.

That night, we talked about where Knox would stay, how he could pick out his own furniture for his room, and how we’d look into therapy and rehab together. Later, when Knox went upstairs, I turned to Dimitri and said what I should have a long time ago. “I’ve been in denial about falling in love with you, but I’ve fallen all the way down the tunnel now. I’m not sure I’ll be able to climb out of this one.”

“Thank fuck.”

“What?” My mouth dropped.

“You heard me, I’m happy.”

“You’re happy? And thankful? That’s it?”

“Well, I’ve been in love with you practically this whole time, so I’m happy to hear you think you’re almost all the way down that rabbit hole with me.”

My stomach got butterflies as I giggled at his confession. I dropped my head onto his shoulder as we sat there. “You’re taking in my brother,” I whispered.

“Who’s also going to be my brother.” He kissed me then and I cried in his arms. I didn’t hold back. I let it all out. Knox was right. My mother would have been proud.

Everything had been going so well, so perfect. I shouldn’t have jumped out of the bed when I heard a car door slam outside. I shouldn’t have snuck down the stairs to get a closer look at the dark shadows moving over on Lucille’s driveway.

And I definitely shouldn’t have gone out the front door into the night when I saw Jameson and Lucille putting something very large into a man’s car.