Between Desire and Denial: Chapter 44

Olive had stayed overnight but finally let me talk her into going home the next day. She was exceptionally quiet on the way, so quiet that I was the one who ended up waving to Lucille as we pulled up the driveway.

I didn’t give the woman the opportunity to walk over, but instead closed the garage behind us. She’d ask about Knox and try to pry, and right now, we couldn’t take that. My concern was nothing but for the woman who had the pink flower from her hair now in her hands, twisting it round and round.

I turned the car off and we both sat there quietly. I couldn’t console her because I knew no words would help.

“I know he’s going to be okay,” she whispered. “I can feel it. And you heard the doctor. He’s stable, his brain activity is great. He’s going to be fine. I know that.” But then she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “I’m just not sure he will be next time … if there is a next time. And then I’m not sure if I’ll be either.”

“We won’t ever know.”

“Right.” She nodded fast over and over. “Right. You take risks every day knowing there’s always a chance of it turning out a disaster.”

“Taking a risk with my business isn’t the same as enduring one with family,” I corrected her. “Give yourself grace, Honeybee. You can take time to—”

“I’ve taken my time. I ran away from what I thought was hell with my father. My mom told me to go live my life before she died. Do you know that? And I listened. I up and left him.”

“You grew up. Your responsibility as a sibling isn’t to be the parent to your brother.”

She sniffled. “Right. But whose responsibility is it then, because my father didn’t take it.”

I nodded and knew I had to explain something to her. “My sister is an addict. She’s been sober a long time now, but Izzy used and lost someone close to her during that time.” Olive listened with her big honey eyes, as if I could promise her Knox would turn out the same way. “I don’t know if Knox will get through it. I think Izzy considers if she’s getting through it still sometimes. It’s a journey, but we’ll be there for him.”

“This isn’t your responsibility.”

“Honeybee, it will be our responsibility. Just like the baby you have in you now. Ours. Together. We’re in all this together now.”

She chewed on her cheek like she was thinking things over, and then she murmured, “I should go shower.” Taking a deep breath, she walked inside with that flower not in her hair but still in her hand. It was symbolic of something, the brightness in her, the burst of energy and emotion that she hid from the world sometimes was shown through that flower. I wouldn’t let it die out. I’d make sure she put it back in her curls by the very next day.

I growled and went to find my laptop. I was trying to give her the space she needed now, but it proved to be one of the most difficult things I would have to learn to do when all I wanted was to be beside her. Forever and ever.

I tried to work on my investments, tried to make calls, but I didn’t listen to any of my clients, and then I found myself wondering if we’d have enough room in the house for a little one.

My girl was pregnant and if I had to give her space, I’d at least start focusing on making sure we had everything we needed for her pregnancy. I started researching rocking chairs and high chairs and bibs and formula, and I even googled what pump would be best. I’d ordered over $10,000 worth of items before I slammed my laptop shut.

I’d spent an hour doing that after I stopped working, which meant she’d been in there for at least ninety minutes. My brain wouldn’t shut off, and I figured 5400 seconds must have been enough time for her, right? Quite frankly, at that point, I regretted having a tankless water heater because it didn’t force her to come out.

Finally, the water stopped, and I was acutely aware of every single sound that came from the bathroom. I could only blame myself for deciding to work in the primary suite where I could listen. Yet, I couldn’t bring myself to move. I heard a cupboard opening and then closing. A drawer sliding out and then back. Did I hear a sniffle? Was I going insane? Yes, I think I was because I ran over to the door to knock on it.

“Honeybee, you okay in there?”

She definitely sniffled before responding. “I’m fine. Just finishing up.”

“Open the door. You sound like you’re crying.”

“I’m not.” She whispered now. Yet, she didn’t open the door.

I leaned my forehead on the door and reasoned with her. “Babe, let’s not make me break down this door to get to you. Open up.”

I heard a deep sigh. “If you break down the door, it’ll take you longer to sell this house, Dimitri.”

“You think I care? I’m not selling this house anyway.”

“Why?” I heard her say softly.

“Because this house is ours. I’m fucking you in every room of it, remember?”

Through the door, she continued to talk, “You should sell. Paradise Grove homes are probably a couple million.”

“And I’d risk triple that to make sure you’re okay. Scratch that. My whole bank account, Honeybee.”

I heard a chuckle and then a sniffle before she said, “You know, if we’re going to really do this whole together thing, we might need to talk about your frivolous mentality on finances.”

“True. I spent five figures on baby gear just now.”

“What?!” she screeched before I finally heard the lock click. I took a step back, and she opened the door with a towel wrapped around her hair and body. “Why are you buying all that? We haven’t even been to the doctor.”

“Honeybee.” I took her face in my hands and brushed my thumb over her nose that was tinted cherry red, her eyes puffier than usual. “Because I wanted to.”

“You’re planning way too far ahead,” she said, but her hands were around my wrists now. “We have months and months to get things, Dimitri.”

“There’s a lot. We need a crib, stroller, rocking chair. Something called a MamaRoo. Some bassinet that detects the baby’s needs, but I’ll be up—”

“Dimitri.” She stopped me with a hand on my chest. “You know you’re so over-the-top that most people wouldn’t be able to handle you right?”

“Are you saying you can’t?” I frowned at her, my heart dropping at the thought.

She shook her head slowly. “I’m in here crying about how I’m going to handle it all, but you know what you continue to make me realize? I don’t have to handle it alone now. You’re here. You want to be. And I want you to be here too. With me. For as long as you want.”

“Which is going to be forever, Honeybee.”

“Good. Because today was freaking hard.” She took a deep breath and pulled me close. “I’m scared about what’s to come, but I’m not scared about you anymore.”

“I’m here, Olive. I’m not leaving. We’re going to get through it. Together.” She frowned but nodded at me, tears threatening to spill over her pretty eyes.

“I believe you, Dimitri. I freaking believe you. I’m just scared of everything else in the future. So make me forget today, make me forget my fear, if only for a little while.”

I pulled her to our bed and unwrapped the towel from her to see her skin glistening almost a golden hue, still dewy from the moisture in the air. That night, I didn’t fuck or screw her. I loved her softly. Cherished every part of her.

The secret society had their own code, and I think I made one of my own that night. I vowed to protect her, to love her, to do anything for her. Even if it meant ruining every single thing I’d worked for.