Between Desire and Denial: Chapter 32

I threw myself into every task I needed to accomplish while Dimitri was gone. I called my doctor to request a different birth control. I walked every day and bothered my brother. He’d turned over a new leaf after the grill out, it seemed, and would play H-O-R-S-E with me every morning now. Then, I would go home and rewrite the article and then my thesis, day and night. I went to the spa to talk with Madi about doing hair and I knew the drill by the end of that day. I worked myself to the bone so much so that I didn’t even have time to miss him at all.

I didn’t miss him lying next to me in the bed, didn’t miss his snuggling, didn’t miss his scent, didn’t miss his outrageous mouth. Didn’t miss one thing about him.

And every time he called, I made that clear by not picking up. Every time he texted, I responded with one-word answers.

Instead, I practiced my calligraphy and didn’t even jump when the phone rang. I’d stare at my mother’s journals and look at her own calligraphy pen that she’d handed down to me. I didn’t know why there was so much she didn’t share with me, but I knew I wanted to learn. I knew I belonged here, learning all I could about her.

I slid the necklace on, the weight of her memory didn’t feel as painful. It was a part of me, it was a tool, it was something that would propel my future now. I touched the gold of it and smiled to myself, thankful that Dimitri had helped me understand that, that I’d been able to finally feel it.

Then, I went out about my day, trying not to dwell on everything else that man had said to me. He was insightful no doubt but I hated how he pointed out the things I didn’t want to face.

I was trying to protect my heart from more trauma. I didn’t want to fall in love with him and lose him. I’d endured it once and didn’t know if I could again.

Maybe my plan of avoidance would have worked had I not gotten a call from Zen. She informed me that on her days off from the library, she also worked at the spa, and that I already had a client. She needed me to come fill in halfway through the week because Madi wasn’t able to make it.

I pulled my curls back and threw on a black maxi dress that I could move easily in. Then, I speed walked to the salon, trying to avoid seeing anyone from the grill out a few days ago.

I didn’t need to run into Lucille or Jameson just yet, not when they were concerned about what I’d heard. But of course, when I walked in, not another customer was in the spa other than Lucille.

The quiet symphony music played in the background and Zen waved me in, while Lucille lifted the tiny sky-blue teacup in her manicured nails as a welcome. “Come in, darling. We have a few things to discuss.”

I hadn’t stepped over the threshold onto the marble tile quite yet, but Zen yanked me forward and slammed the door behind me, locking it.

The clinking of the china on the paper-thin saucer as Lucille set it down was distinct with no other chatter in the salon. “So happy to hear you’re available today, Olive Bee. I need a trim.”

I glanced at Zen and placed a hand on my hip. “Really?”

Zen winced and wrinkled her nose before starting to straighten some of the plants on the white granite countertop. “Esme might have disclosed to Lucille that you know a little something about the library stacks.”

“Might have?”

“Come on now, dear.” Lucille fluffed her blonde curls, not one gray hair to be seen even though I knew she was well past seventy. The woman was particular about some things, especially when those things were in Paradise Grove, threatening her harmony.

I played with the gold fountain pen on the necklace as I stood there, not sure how to proceed. “I don’t know that much, Lucille,” I admitted.

Lucille’s gaze zeroed in on the necklace, and she gasped, Then, she pointed to it before curling the finger toward her, beckoning for me to come closer. “Is that your mother’s? Are you … You’re finally wearing her fountain pen.”

Her voice shook in disbelief, and then her blue eyes shimmered with tears. One of them tracked down her face slowly. When her hand clutched her heart, I didn’t hesitate.

I approached her fast, bending at the knee to meet her gaze and grab her frail fingers into mine. “Lucille? Are you okay? What’s wrong?” It didn’t matter if we were keeping secrets from one another, it didn’t matter what I’d heard the other night or what would happen in the future, I cared for the older woman beyond all that.

“It’s nothing.” She waved her other hand in front of her face. Then she pulled at the small chain of the necklace at my collarbone and held it up as if I should understand. “Your mother just … she wanted this, you know?”

“I don’t understand,” I whispered and looked at Zen with concern. “Can you get her some water?”

“I’m fine.” Lucille took a deep breath before she squeezed my hand in hers and let it go so she could grab part of the fountain pen. “Did you open it?”

I frowned and looked down. “What are you talking about?”

She sighed before she carefully unscrewed a part of it and in there was a small rolled-up scroll. I frowned as Lucille pulled it out and handed me the tiny paper. “Your mother was always creative. She loved her calligraphy, you know. She wanted you to have this letter when it was time.”

“Time for what?” I stared down at the letter Lucille held out to me but didn’t take it from her. My hands shook as I stood and stepped back, away from the weight of what that note might hold.

“She said once you came home, Olive Bee, came back to her, it would be time for you to read it.”

“I don’t … Maybe I’m not home for good,” I blurted out.

Lucille frowned. “You’re starting a family, no?”

“I don’t … I don’t know.” I gasped at the words I let fall from my lips, because they were the truth. I might have been playing pretend with Dimitri, but I didn’t know anymore. “I … I truly don’t know if I’m ready for any of it.”

“Oh, sweet girl.” Lucille stood and pulled me into her arms. For some reason, the fears and the pain and the trauma of what I’d been through flowed out of me. I let Lucille hug me and share the weight. I let my old friend shoulder some of the pain my heart had held on to, and sharing it felt like I could breathe for just a second.

“Let it out, Olive Bee. No one’s supposed to bottle any of this up.” Lucille hurried me over to the waiting area. We sat down together as she said, “She wanted you to go where your soul desired until you were ready to be back here. You’re ready for all of it now.”

She pulled my hand into her lap and opened my closed fist softly before placing the rolled-up paper in my hand. “Read it.”

A mother takes care of her family, Olive Bee.

You needed to see the world and I hope you did. I hope you flew through it and saw every corner.

I didn’t tell you about the Diamonds because as a child I wasn’t afforded the opportunity to live without the responsibility of being a part of the Diamonds. I wanted different for you and Knox.

The Diamond Syndicate and your father agreed. I hope they’ve upheld their end of the bargain. Your responsibility should have only been to love life and live it how you wanted. You’d come back when you were ready for the responsibility of more. It seems you have.

I trust you to make the Diamond Syndicate what you believe it should be for the next generation. Now, you’re home.

“What does this mean?” Her words flowed through my veins, filling in gaps of pain and questions of the secrets she’d kept but they left stains of more questions, droplets of fear of the responsibility that I knew shouldn’t be mine.

Picking at the tweed of the white skirt she was wearing, Lucille sighed. “Being a part of this influential society means making hard decisions. She didn’t want that pressure placed on you before you’d seen the world, found out who you were—”

“I still don’t know who I am.” I cut her off with what I shouldn’t have admitted. I shook the note in my hand. “I truly have no idea. And I make terrible decisions, Lucille. I was sleeping with my professor, and he cheated on me. Did you know that?” I don’t know why my mouth decided to blurt that out, but the rambling couldn’t be contained as panic set in. “I mean, did you hear Melly the other night? I’m chaos and don’t know up from down, Lucille. I can’t even keep the plants alive in front of our house. I’m noncommittal to a fault. I can’t decide if I want to be a journalist or hair stylist, if I want to be here or not, if I want to be with Dimitri or not, and if I’m capable of having a b—” I stopped. Lucille and Zen were both leaning in like they were watching the good part of a movie and taking notes.

“Oh, honey.” Lucille cleared her throat, frowning like she was disappointed. “That isn’t being noncommittal at all. That’s just figuring out what you’re willing to commit to. Thank God it’s not a professor who doesn’t treat you well. Who cares if you can’t keep a plant alive? Just means you have the wrong plants in your yard. Which reminds me, we’ll get some cacti for you. Start there. Much easier in this type of climate, I promise. Plus, you’ll need to learn to be a bit pricklier now.”

“What for?” I shook my head in confusion.

“The hard decisions are made with the weight of the responsibility that comes with them. You’ll have to embrace that. You should have, quite frankly, when Melly was being a little witch the other night.”

I looked toward the ceiling and recalled what I read in that book. They were making huge monetary decisions that impacted millions socially and personally. I tried not to be rude as I told her, “This isn’t for me, Lucille. I can’t be a part of this. My mother was wrong if she thought—”

“Your mother was not wrong. If you weren’t nervous, I’d be worried,” Lucille said. “You’re ready for anything life throws at you now, Olive Bee. I know you are because I heard about how you handled Melly at that grill out.

“What did you hear? Because all that happened was I went to cry in the woods!” I threw up my hands.

“Yes.” She patted my hand. “Good. You still feel all the things you should. Let yourself feel them. Your mom was concerned about that.”

“Concerned about what?”

“Well, that you would bottle it all up. It’s my thought you should let the anger out a bit more though. It’s what you did in the woods after. I heard you made it known who you’re with. It was quite clear, my dear. So, sometimes it pays to be prickly, like the cacti I’m going to help you grow.” She smiled to herself like she’d just given me the best advice. “Anyway, you’ll learn to be as you make hard decisions with us as time goes on. We’ve made partnerships with extremely large companies. Your grandparents and their grandparents are—”

“Are intertwined. I saw in the book and did the research to piece together what’s happening.”

“So you know,” Lucille reached out for the water Zen brought in a clear pitcher and poured some in two glasses she set down. “We can influence state ordinances, make sure some people have more power and—”

“Others don’t.” I finished for her. Generation after generation kept business dealings quieter and quieter. We all knew our families came from money, but I recalled the times I asked my mother.

“Your grandparents were wealthy, Olive Bee. We’re all very fortunate here. It’s been a morality issue in the past, that’s for sure. We’ve struggled to maintain power over other groups like mob families and there has been concern, as you can see, about Dimitri. His sisters are married to Armanellis.” She cleared her throat and straightened. “I have found them all to be quite pleasant, but, well, some others don’t agree. That’s why, at some point, you’ll take your family’s seat within the Diamond Syndicate here in Paradise Grove. Your father won’t serve that role anymore. You can make decisions instead.”

And then I heard the rev of a motorcycle, one I’d heard only a few times before, but I knew the sound. Jameson didn’t ride it every day. Mostly, he kept it in the garage, unless Franny wasn’t with him. He pulled up right in front of the salon and cut the engine. In a black tee, black helmet, and with the tattoos on his arms on full display, there was definitely a formidable quality about him.

Zen rushed to unlock the door, and he walked in, pulling his helmet off, his blue eyes focused only on me. “Good. They got you here.”

“Guess you couldn’t wait for lunch,” I grumbled, not sure if I should feel like I was in some type of danger. My high school friend was a lot bigger than he used to be, and I knew he probably held sway too. Yet, I wouldn’t shrink away.

He set his helmet on the counter and leaned on it as he looked at us. “So, Lucille fill you in on what you need to know?”

“I just started, Jameson. It’s …” Lucille paused and looked at the note again. “It’s a delicate matter. Her mother wasn’t like your parents.”

“I’m aware.” His hands fisted together before he admitted, “I wished I’d had a mother like that. She shielded you from a lot.”

“I’m seeing that.” I crossed my arms. “Not sure if it’s to my detriment at this point.”

“Well, she probably didn’t know you’d get involved with a Hardy and that he’d be involved with the mob.”

“Barely a mob when they’re reformed,” Lucille said like she’d been won over by them long ago. “I’ve told you this, Jameson.”

“I heard you. And I’m inclined to believe you. I’m just wondering if Olive is truly in bed with the enemy or not. It’s all very coincidental, her being with Dimitri. It either means she’s working against him or with him. And in turn, against us or with us.”

“You can’t honestly believe she’s faking the chemistry she has with him for intel for her father, Jameson.” Lucille chuckled. “We just talked about this. She doesn’t even know her father is involved with the Irish.”

I froze, The drink I had in my hand clattered onto the table, water spilling everywhere. “What?”

“Oh, Olive Bee. Sorry to drop the news.” She sighed and grabbed for the napkins Zen was hurrying over. “Only a few of us are confirming this, but I do believe it’s true.”

At that point, I saw how Jameson’s jaw flex. His muscles coiled like they were ready to strike, and then he paced over and sat down in the chair beside me, sharpening that blue stare on me. “Are you giving your father information, Olive Bee? Or trying to sway Dimitri out of town?”

“I don’t know what you mean,” I said, completely confused. We’d faked a relationship but for the complete opposite. “I want Paradise Grove to prosper, Jameson. It’s the reason I’m here, and the reason I think Dimitri’s offices with the Armanelli businesses are a good move.”

As I said the words, I felt the truth of them settle like cement in me. Jameson wasn’t as convinced though, and his hand shot out to the leg of my chair to pull me close. I gasped at our proximity and was reminded of the appeal he’d always had.

Darkness lurked behind those blue eyes, wild and vicious. I knew he must have had deep, cavernous secrets that caused pain, that he hid, that he could tap into. He’d let that darkness out with the right instigating, I could tell. “Olive, I want honesty. Don’t lie to me now. You and Dimitri, that’s real?”

There was no lie as I nodded and whispered yes. Even if I was scared as hell of what that meant, I knew I couldn’t fool my heart. “If I’m going to have a family here with anyone, Jameson, it’s going to be him.”

“We’ll see,” he growled before he sat back and flicked his gaze over to Lucille before saying, “I’m not here to intimidate you.”

“Really?” I blurted out. “Sure seems like it with the stare down.”

“Thatta girl,” Lucille said softly. “Give them prickly for the win.”

Jameson cracked his knuckles before a small smile formed on his face. “Leave it to you to make me feel like an ass.”

“Well, you did drive in on your motorcycle like you were on some mission and stomped in here all puffed up,” Lucille countered for me.

Jameson frowned and peeked over at me with sheepish eyes, probably in hopes I’d help him out. “She’s right. The motorcycle especially was over the top.”

“The motorcycle wasn’t even a damn part of talking to you. Franny’s with her grandma for two weeks in Italy, and so I’m getting a few rides in before—”

“She must be afraid of how loud and intimidating that motorcycle can be too.” Zen winked at Lucille and shot a saccharine smile his way. “Quite frankly, I don’t know why you drive one at all. They’re extremely dangerous.”

“You might end up needing someone to save your life one day with that bike.” He’d had one since high school. His father seemed oddly okay with it, but I was pretty sure they were all in some club with a motorcycle factory being a couple hours away.

“Olive Bee, you know as well as I do, I’m careful as ever on this thing.”

Zen beat me to schooling him as she softly retorted, “Can’t be careful if someone else isn’t driving carefully by you.”

He scoffed in irritation before he got up and swiped his helmet off the counter. He was close to Zen, but her arms were crossed as the tension between them crackled. “Want a ride? I can show you how careful I am right now.”

It was like they were the only two people in the room for a moment before her eyes widened and she almost jolted away from him. He blinked once, shaking his head before he turned to me and tried to dispel the moment. “Or I’ll give you a ride on the motorcycle, Olive. You know I’m careful.”

“Yeah, Dimitri would love his girlfriend hopping on the back of another man’s bike,” I said sarcastically.

“If that’s actually true, I’m happy to rectify you being his girlfriend if you want.” He cleared his throat and rubbed his gloved hands together like he’d enjoy it. I didn’t have a thing for bikers, but Jameson still pulled it off well as he combed his hand through his dark hair. I think Zen saw that, too, as she bit her lip and walked away.

“It’s true, Jameson.” I held his gaze this time, trying to get that point across.

“Good. Because I want what’s best for this community. Your hometown and mine.” He slid his helmet on. “And for your brother. And my fucking daughter. She deserves the world. She’s all I got. I wouldn’t risk any of this if it wasn’t for her. She deserves a damn good childhood, and I’m not going to give her any less than that.”

“I wouldn’t want you to. I mean that. I’m not sure what the goal is here but—”

“I’m not sure what you heard at the grill out.” I opened my mouth, willing to tell him at this point. “But I’m trusting that you know Lucille and I have it under control. Keep what you know about the Diamond Syndicate to yourself.”

“But—”

“Just for now.” He took a deep breath. “The less you know the better. And the less everyone knows is better. I’ve got two weeks to iron this out. Lucille and I will do just that.”

He turned toward the front of the spa, unlocked the door, and left just like that.

“He’s such a drama queen,” Zen grumbled.

Lucille rolled her eyes and hummed in agreement. “He’s right though. Don’t talk to anyone about it, okay? Just give us two weeks.”

“That’s up until the board meeting.” I tilted my head. “What about the article I’m writing?”

“Ah, by then, everything will be fine.” She waved away any concern. Then she turned and looked out the window. “Oh, look. Knox is being driven home. I know that SUV. You should go see if he’ll play some basketball with you, Olive. Make sure he’s doing okay.”

I studied the older woman and her tactics. “Don’t you need a hair trim?”

“Oh, that can wait till next week.” She chuckled, already making her way toward the door. “I have to work on my garden anyway.” She held the door open for me.

“Well, this was fun,” I mumbled without any joy in my tone.

“It’ll be fun to catch up with Knox. He needs you now more than ever,” she said, cryptically. “Remember, no secret spilling.”

Easy for her to say. She didn’t have an obsessed Dimitri Hardy texting her.

When I walked out of that door, another message came in from him.

Dimitri: You’re being short with me when I want long texts. Paragraphs. Novels from you.

Me: I’ve just been busy. And stressed.

Dimitri: Headaches?

Me: No but that doesn’t mean it’s because of the birth control.

Dimitri: I beg to differ, Honeybee. If you’re stressed, take a day of rest.

Me: I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me. Go work.

I took a deep breath, thinking of all that Lucille said. So many commitments and choosing what I wanted to commit to. I encouraged Dimitri to leave me alone, pushed him away because there was fear in getting attached to something that could potentially destroy you. I sacrificed the butterflies and giddiness I felt in getting responses from his texts for the safety net of loneliness.

I walked home and tried to focus on my responsibilities by calling Knox. My attention needed to be on him anyway. We’d been playing H-O-R-S-E every day now, and he looked like himself more each time. Would he tell me if he knew something? Were we getting that close again?

I wasn’t sure I cared one way or the other. The weight of the information was a lot, and I think, more than anything, I just wanted the comfort of his presence. We’d played that game as kids. It was a safe place for both of us even if my mind was a mess and he was struggling through whatever pulled him toward taking drugs.

Maybe we were broken. But families had a way of either completely breaking you or holding you together and piecing you back up. I’d wanted us to be the latter for each other, thought we were moving toward that.

Yet, he didn’t answer my call. Nor did he answer the next morning. He wasn’t there for basketball when I walked by at the normal time either. And his phone went right to voicemail.

I waited all day with the phone in my hand.

I waited until I got the call. It wasn’t from him, though, but my father.