Between Desire and Denial: Chapter 10

“A freaking family, Dimitri?” I screeched once we were alone in the car with Mr. Preston driving us back. I was almost hyperventilating—and it was just a pretend idea.

He looked me up and down, then squeezed my shoulder. “Breathe, Honeybee. You look terrified of even pretending to want a family.”

“I am,” I blurted out. I shut my eyes as if I could hide from him, because he didn’t need to know my fears.

He chuckled at me, though, so relaxed while I was wound tight. “What’s so bad about a family with me, huh? I’d be a good-ass father. And—”

“Families inevitably fall apart. So please stop talking about it,” I blurted out. My heart twisted at the idea of having children and losing them like I’d lost my mother or being like my father that neglected them. I didn’t go into details with him about it though.

Still, the smile dropped from Dimitri’s face and a frown replaced it. He waited a moment before he asked softly, “Olive, do you really think that?”

“Mine did.” I winced as the words tumbled out.

He stared at me for so long, like he was studying everything about me before he said, “I hope you know that’s not always true.”

“Maybe not for yours.” He waited for me to continue on with my thoughts.

Dimitri was someone I was finding I’d confide in without even thinking about. I didn’t know if it was because he’d been around here and there for years or if it was because he’d already seen me break down with Rufford. It’s like he’d seen me at my worst and now I wasn’t scared to show him any part of me. “I just…when my mom passed, things sort of crumbled.”

He took my hand in his, like he wanted to provide comfort if just for a moment. “I’m sorry.”

“And I hate saying that because I had great memories before, you know?”

He nodded. “Even when there’s the bad memories, there can be the good ones too. Both can be true.”

“Yeah.” I sighed and squeezed his hand before letting it go, trying to distance myself a bit. “It’s just most of the time, now, with my father, it’s bad.”

“I hope you know, even if your family now isn’t good to you, you can find someone who will be. You can find a family, Olive. You know that right? Hell, now I’m inclined to show you that and make you believe it.”

What could I say to a man that had beliefs like that? I sighed and patted his shoulder, trying to dispel the tension in the car. “Maybe. But I doubt you’ll change my mind. So, you better start coming up with a plan to tell them the freaking truth. They aren’t going to trust you if you’re flat out lying to them once I’m gone after this week.”

“Or maybe we try and see how this plays out? Act like we’re thinking of having a little one together.” He wiggled his eyebrows at me, like he was trying to lighten the mood too.

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Oh, come on. I think about having kids now all the time, if I’m being serious. My brothers and sisters are bringing the next generation to life. My nieces and nephews are a damn riot. It’d be fun as hell to have some. Fun as hell to act like it too. So, say you’ll do it with me?”

I swear the man enjoyed taking chances and dancing on the edge. “You know, some girls would kill for the chance to have you saying this to them? Like you could make me obsessed with you by just offering up this idea.”

“You’re not some girls, though. I’m realizing that very quickly. Play house with me, Honeybee.”

He gave me his green puppy dog eyes and I had to quickly swing open the door of the SUV as Mr. Preston pulled up to the massive home to get away from him and his outlandish ideas.

Instead, I focused on the home I’d be staying in. It looked straight out of a Coastal Living magazine with its beautiful wraparound porch and white siding. Yet, I could see it wasn’t at all quaint with the high roof and massive pillars supporting the overhang. I waited for him to open the door with his HEAT watch, a mere scan of a small pad instead of using a key.

“I’ll get you one of these soon so you can get in and out whenever,” he murmured as he held his hand out for me to walk in first.

Immediately, when I stepped in, I could smell the fresh paint, but it didn’t take away from the old charm the place had with the architecture of the doorways having arches, the exposed wood beams on the cathedral ceilings, and the dark flooring that matched those beams.

Dimitri slipped his shoes off as he watched me take in the space. There wasn’t much furniture, just a large white couch and a table and chairs in the dining room. The open concept was beautiful though with the granite countertop overlooking the living room and connecting to the dining room.

“The place is beautiful, Dimitri.” I turned to him. “But I won’t need a watch. As I said, I won’t be here long.”

“Why exactly can’t you stay a bit longer?” He narrowed his eyes on me as I ran a hand over the white couch and felt the plush fabric that I could tell was expensive immediately. “It seems Lucille loves you, and an opportunity to write in her paper—”

“She seems to love everyone, but she’s also the most nosy person you’ll ever meet.”

“Still, if you have a foot in the door with her, that will be good for getting an ordinance passed for my condos and office space.”

I shrugged. “Paradise Grove is her first priority. And then probably her husband, Earl.”

“He wasn’t at the meeting.” Dimitri frowned.

“He’s probably busy.” I shrugged and looked over at the staircase. “I’m guessing there are guestrooms up there, if it’s okay with you, I’ll stay there for the week.”

He ignored my questions and kept trying to convince me. “Come on, it’s clear Lucille wants you here for longer than that. According to the board, the next meeting is in a month and a half.”

“It’s also clear I can’t be here that long.”

“Explain to me why you can’t again.” He stepped close as he waited for a response, and I sucked in a breath at his proximity.

“I have obligations back in—” I didn’t even know where at this point, but surely there was somewhere I belonged.

Dimitri didn’t give me time to dwell on it. “Kee isn’t an obligation anymore. Only your thesis. Take a job with HEAT.”

I threw up my hands. “That’s hardly what this would be.”

“I’ll pay you double your old salary with Kee.”

“I don’t need a salary. So your bribe is shit.” It was a snotty thing to say, so I normally kept it to myself, but my bank account had always held more than enough in it. My mother made sure of it before she passed, and Kee also paid me well.

“It still provides you with purpose. You need something other than ‘assistant to a celebrity’ on your résumé if you want a job apart from that. Unless you plan to follow her around for the rest of your life?”

“So what? I’m going to add ‘fake long-term girlfriend’ to it instead?” I held up a hand so I could finish. “Also, I was never following her around. I resent that. And you know what? I’m not going to entertain this conversation any longer. You can do whatever the hell you want the next few days. I’ll talk to my parents and Lucille for you, but then I’m gone.”

He stood there in his perfect suit with a look of determination not resignation. “You so afraid to spend a little time with me?”

“Afraid of what when it comes to spending time with you?”

“You know what.” He looked me up and down, and suddenly my body heated like a match thrown on hay.

I blamed it on the fact that without Dimitri, I was practically experiencing the definition of a dry spell now that there was no Rufford. And after sleeping with Dimitri twice, I’d been having dream after dream about him. “You’ve lost it, I swear.”

I stormed past him, but he grabbed my elbow. “Have I though? Because I don’t recall you blushing like this when you’re simply frustrated. I must have missed it all these years.”

“I’m not blushing. And I’m also not frustrated. So, you’re missing a lot.” I stepped back and away from him quickly. His touch was electrifying; it sparked a yearning in me I didn’t know existed before. “I’m done with this conversation. I need to go”—I hesitated, trying to think of an excuse to get away from him—“visit my family. I’ll be home later.”

“Want a ride?”

I stumbled toward the door like it was a damn fire escape. “No. I’ll walk.” The fresh air would be nice, anyway, after feeling the heat of our tension.

When I got to my parents’ house, I didn’t even attempt to walk in. Instead, I sat down on the porch and dialed the number I knew by heart.

“Olive, it’s three o’clock. I’m still at work. Can I call you back?” My stepmother answered without even a hello.

“I know, Georgette. I’m in Paradise Grove though. I thought I’d maybe stop by …”

“Oh. You’re here?” she screeched into the phone. I heard rustling and then, “Well, I wish you would have given us more notice. Your father is on a work trip, and your brother has been having a lot of anxiety lately. I have a million calls to still make today and—”

“I don’t have to stop by.”

“The front door camera alerted me that you’re on our porch.” The annoyance in her voice was palpable. “I’m in the home office. I’ll be busy for another fifteen minutes, but you know where the spare key is. Why don’t you see if your brother is up for a visitor?”

She hung up before I could respond, and even though I knew it was a silly situation to have affect me in any way, my gut still twisted.

I took my time lifting the flowerpot to grab the spare key underneath it and then unlocked the door to walk in.

The entryway with its large staircase and extravagant Greek god statue was a statement to those entering that we kept up appearances, or maybe that we cared a bit too much about appearances. It wrapped around the chandelier hanging from the cathedral ceiling, and I took the oak stairs two at a time to go knock on my brother’s door.

I heard his grumble first and then, “Come in.”

Maybe I expected at least a smile. Or a hug. What I got was a painful reality shot at me like a bullet ready to kill.

“You’re here?” His voice was just above a whisper and dragged out so slow and so garbled I almost didn’t recognize it.

Knox was full of life and potential. Almost too much I used to think, because my parents loved to show him around. He was big and tall and got good grades, did all the sports, did all the things my parents told him to.

He fit in in Paradise Grove. He’d been the shining star, and I was the one they tried to hide away.

Yet, now, he sat there thin, so thin I was concerned he’d gotten sick. “Hey, yeah, I’m back for a bit. Thought I would come by.” It was all I could say as I took in his room, the blacked-out curtains and the mess. We were Monroes. We didn’t have a mess in our house. I spun around and around, trying to find evidence of his illness, trying to find the reason behind his change.

“Well, thanks for coming by.” He didn’t even lift his head. He’d learned how to dismiss me after my mom passed. We’d both dismissed one another day after day until we weren’t much of siblings at all anymore.

Now, though, the dismissal atmosphere felt catastrophic. My brother didn’t seem as strong as he used to, and without that strength, I saw the weakness there and didn’t want him to give in to it.

“What’s going on, Knox?” I asked the question quietly, hoping I could prompt some sort of real response.

“Olive, you’ve been gone for years.” He shook his head slow, smiled lazily, but his eyes weren’t steady. “You know what? Forget it. I’m just tired.”

I stepped closer, trying to get a read on him. “Do you need me to get Georgette?”

He rolled his eyes but his whole head moved with him, and he fell back into his bed. There was no attempt to get up. Instead, he reached for his nightstand, patting his hand around without looking. “I’ll be fine. Give me a few.”

He pulled the drawer open, and that’s when I saw them.

Pills. So many pills I gasped before striding forward and grabbing one.

It was prescribed to him.

Then another.

And another.

Every single one had his name on it. “What do you need all this for? Do you— Are you sick, Knox?”

“I just have anxiety, Olive Bee. Don’t worry about me.”

And I witnessed how easily he popped a lid and threw back two.

I was his older sister. I probably should have stopped him. Or said something rather than standing there with my mouth hanging open. But all I could do was stare.

We’d been distant for so long, and now I wasn’t sure how to come back from that. I scanned his room and saw the trophies from football, the medals from track, a couple of gaming systems, and a dresser with a few pictures on it. One was of me and another of him and my parents. We were all smiling, and I remember that day, we’d gone down the street to Fitches for custard.

“You remember this?” I pointed to the picture, and it took him a second to register but he nodded once before glancing away. “That was a good day.”

“Not many of those here,” he grumbled before sighing and sitting up again to swing his legs off the bed. “Why are you back?”

How could I even explain that to him now? “I sort of have a job here for a few days and—”

“Oh, work. Of course.” His tone was hard, his shoulders stiff. And then he turned a glare so cold on me, I wasn’t sure I was looking at my brother. “Go work then, Olive. No need to check in on me.”

“Knox.” His name came out a plea with all the emotions I couldn’t express behind it. “Maybe we should talk or—”

“Nothing to talk about. You left. I got Georgette and Dad, right?”

“I thought that’s what you wanted.” But the hammer of guilt at being the oldest sibling and leaving behind my brother to endure them alone slammed down pretty hard at that moment. Knox had been a kid when I’d left for college six years ago, but every time I came back, his disdain for me grew.

My father had made clear how I didn’t belong next to them at a dinner party one night two years ago. I remembered how I stood there as Georgette called me a failure and how their friends, people I’d grown up with, stood by and agreed.

Paradise Grove either accepted you or it didn’t. Somehow, without my mother, I’d been pushed out. And that night, Knox hadn’t said a thing. He watched me run upstairs to my room and pack my things. He told me it was for the best anyway. So, two years ago, I stopped coming. Two years ago, I decided to only call.

“You told me it was for the best, Knox.”

“Well, hell, anything is better than here, right?”

Maybe two years had been too long. “Look, can we talk about Dad and—”

“Oh, good.” My stepmother walked in, her wavy hair pinned up and her suit jacket still perfectly in place. “You found your brother. Knox, do you want any lunch?”

“I ate,” he grumbled and then turned his back to us. She gave me a look as if she was annoyed and waved me out.

I touched his bed before I left, hoping he would be able to feel me trying to connect. “I’ll be back, Knox. Maybe we can go to Fitches?”

He didn’t respond, but he didn’t have to. Something was very wrong with my brother, and I needed to find out what.

I walked silently down the steps and followed Georgette’s heels clicking on the dark wood floors into the living room. “Would you like a drink, Olive? I have tea or—”

“What the hell is going on with Knox?”