Chapter 4

After the bonding ceremony, everything was fine for the next couple of weeks. Mom and Dad seemed to love each other again. She met him at the door with a kiss and more often than not, Richard and I were sent to bed early so my parents could have ‘alone time.’ We went without protest and spoke in hushed voices in my room or his, ignoring the strange sounds from below.

During this time I felt almost happy again—my mother had given up her crazy idea of leaving and taking me with her, I felt sure. And the big boys at school now left me strictly alone for fear that Richard would do to them what he had done to Todd Jenkins who still had his arm in a sling. The girls wouldn’t talk to me either, but I was used to that. I spent my free time in the school library, escaping into books, imagining myself as the good fairy or the princess at the top of the tower. It was a good time but I kept the green glass marble with me always, just in case.

One day just after lunch, Mrs. DeWitt who worked in the school office poked her head in the classroom and said that I should gather my things. My mother was there to collect me.

At first I feared nothing worse than a dentist appointment. Mom was a big believer in surprises, both pleasant and unpleasant alike, eliminating the possibility of anticipation. She always said that knowing in advance that you had a doctor’s appointment where you had to get a shot or a dentist’s visit where you had to get a cavity filled tied your stomach up in knots and made it hard to think.

But when she took my hand and pulled me out to the school parking lot, I knew something worse than a visit to the dentist with his sharp, whining drill was about to happen. Mom’s little red VW bug was loaded down with all kinds of things. Boxes and bags and suitcases bulged from its cramped interior, barely leaving room in the front seats for us to sit. I felt my heart climb in my mouth at the sight and I clutched the green glass marble Richard had given me, which was hidden in the front pocket of my dress.

“Mom, why is there so much stuff in the car?” I asked, as she shooed me into the passenger seat and buckled the seatbelt. Maybe we were just going to donate some things to the Salvation Army, I thought. ~Oh please, God, let that be it.~

“You and I are going on a trip,” my mother said, dashing my hopes. “Won’t that be fun?”

“What about Richard?” I asked immediately. “Are we picking him up at school too?”

“Don’t be silly—where would we put him?” My mother indicated the crowded interior of the car and gave an affected little laugh. “Besides, this trip is just for girls. You’re going to love it.”

“No I won’t,” I said at once, squeezing the marble tighter. “I want my brother! I don’t want to go away and leave him and Dad. Please, Mommy, don’t take me away.” I hadn’t called her ‘Mommy’ in several years, deeming it too childish, but I was desperate now.

My mother’s mouth was set in a tight, bloodless line as she put the key in the ignition. “I can’t expect you to understand this now, Rachel, but I’m taking us away for your own good. It’s better for you not to see Richard anymore.”

“Not see him anymore?” I was crying openly now. Not see my wonderful big brother? My friend—my protector? “But why?” I demanded. “Why can’t I see him?”

“It’s not good for you,” my mother replied obliquely. “Someday you’ll thank me for this.”

“I’ll never thank you. I ~hate~ you!” I screamed, past all reason at the idea of losing him, of losing the family I adored.

Her hand stuck out, as fast as a snake and slapped my face with a hard, flat sound. She had never hit me before and the small violence silenced me at once. I put a hand to my cheek where I could feel the print of her hand already forming.

“Oh, my darling, I’m so sorry!” She gathered me into her arms, stroking my hair and dropped a flurry of kisses on the top of my head. “I didn’t mean to do that, but I’m under so much stress right now. You’re a little girl, so you can’t imagine how hard this is for me—how hard it is to leave everything I’ve ever known and start all over again. But I’m doing it for you, Rachel, all for you. So you don’t have to go through the ridicule and pain I’ve suffered. So you won’t be forced to give… give more than you want to before you’re ready. Someday you’ll understand, I swear you will.”

I let her words wash over me, her tears and promises too. Only one thing mattered to me now. When she pulled back from her smothering hug, I looked up at her.

“When can I see Richard again?” I asked, feeling my stomach tremble as I waited for her answer.

Her mouth went from pink and quivering to a hard cold line again. “Never,” she said, taking me by the shoulders and shaking me for emphasis. “Do you understand me, Rachel? You must ~never~ see your older brother again.”

~Never.~ The word rang in my head like the tolling of the huge bells they had at the top of the Catholic church at the far end of town. I was too young to have ever lost anything of real importance to me. Even when my kitten, Miss FancyPants, died, Richard had promised me that I would see her again in heaven. But now my mother was giving me a sentence with no possibility of parole or reprieve. Never. I could scarcely wrap my mind around it.

We drove until it was dark and stopped at a cheap motel by the side of the road where a flickering neon sign proclaimed, ‘ ac ncy.’ I slept the sleep of an exhausted and bewildered child in my mother’s arms, but her heartbeat did not comfort me as Richard’s had. In my hand, I clutched the green glass marble—all I had left of my brother and our life together. Already, the pain of losing him was like a dull ache in my heart—a splinter of agony buried so deep it could never be removed.

That night, I dreamed of him for the first time, as I did for many nights after. The dreams persisted long after his memory had faded to a cherished and much-worn photograph in my mind’s eye. I always woke from them with a sense of longing so deep and wide I couldn’t put it into words.

I dreamed of the boy with eyes like mine. The boy with eyes like a wolf.