Chapter 27: I Love You (I'm Sorry).

Kai

"Kai?" The raven-haired man called, walking closer towards me. "I thought you were gonna ditch me out here again...," When he saw clearer, he eyes widens as he took my whole mess of a state.

My eyes were still bloodshot my whole body from head to toe was damp like I had just swum across the seven seas without taking any rest nor even sleep at all. Even so, who could even sleep in the freezing cold water that would let you die slowly as you doze...

When I saw him staring at me like that, my chest began to shotguns that were continuously ongoing. The beating was so loud that it almost shot through my body - ending my life there in front of him who doesn't even have knowledge of what was happening. I walk closer towards him while he was in his speechless state. My body was trembling in cold and all I needed was something warm me up.

Without hesitation, I began inching closer and closer. "Stan...,"

The closer I got to him, the more he gains his conscious back. So when he finally took a whole idea of me being the mess I was, his hand immediately went up to grab my face. The warmth was from his body surges through my face and down to my whole body. Just by his touch, I felt like I wasn't cold anymore. It felt warmer than I was before, and I could easily feel the love that he holds when I was this cold.

I thought I was the warm one, I thought I was the fire, but the truth was I'm colder than lands in the Arctic.

"Did you cry?!" He asked worriedly. His face scrunched in a bother and his hands slowly went down to my neck, transferring the warm he had there.

I didn't reply to him as I kept staring onto his chest. I didn't even have the strength I once had to open the door to even look straight into his eyes. Every strength I used was on that door itself and like an ant, I was squashed to the flat ground after that.

"Did he say something bad to you there? Did he make you cry, Kai?" He asked again, the way his eagerness to know what had happened just increases the level of anger he had slowly and slowly, and I know what he was about to do next.

The man gritted his teeth then began to take his hands off from me. "That bastard. No way that I'm letting this go. Is he still there? I'm gonna teach him a fucking-," When he said and when his fingertips brush my hand, I grab him tightly there - stopping him from going.

"No..." I finally spoke, cutting his tracks. He turns to me and waited for me to say something. Something that concerned about my time searching for Stan. What should I say honestly rather than just that we broke up... his present self is missing, and I'm in vain.

So without waiting, I said what I had witnessed to him. "We...," But suddenly, he stops me by covering my mouth. It seems that he thought what I was going to say was those corrupted words that I very so often said to him before and towards myself as well.

"Don't say it," He warned. Eyes were closed while his eyebrows were pushed together.

"Don't say that we broke up," He mumbled. Now his head was hung low, looking down as he released his hands from my mouth and slide to my shoulder. I could hear him sniffling his tears while he said that, and it smashed my heart.

"I'll do better! Seriously! I promise I will do better so please-," Tired of hearing all of his useless sorrow that wasn't his fault at all, I clench my jaw, close my eyes and let it all go.

"It's not your fault," My lips trembled.

My hand began to hold his face by the cheek, bringing him to look up while I was the one lowering my head.  I could feel my eyes crying out tears without even knowing. "It's not your fault that we broke up. It was never your fault," I cried. "It's my fault... it's all me, it's all my fault for neglecting you, for ignoring you, for being selfish. I make you feel lonely,"

"It was my fault for always telling you that I was tired. It's my fault that can't ever show your emotions to me anymore. It's my fault that you can't speak about your day with me anymore. It's my fault, Stan. It's my fault that I make you feel you're the one at fault," I continued, crying because I haven't felt that all of it was let go. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry...,"

"You didn't do anything. You never did,"

How could I ever...

"It wasn't you who changed. It wasn't you who made me like this. It was me... it was me who change for the worse,"

How could I ever leave you?

"Hey, there's this new place opening up tomorrow. The one where you wanted to go, wanna go out tomorrow? He asked with a big smile when I came back home from work.

I sighed, walking towards the bed to get a rest. "Sorry. Tomorrow's a rare holiday for me. I just want to rest,"

How did I even change...

He frowns, pouting at me pleadingly. "I'll be doing a performance tomorrow at the café, don't you remember?"

"I'm sorry, I have a lot of work today. So I'm probably gonna be tired...,"

The old me who will smile at every text you sent...

"You'll probably be tired since you have to work overtime until next week...," answered the man as he looks down, knowing well enough that if he ever asked me to do something with him... I would never agree to join.

I close my eyes. "Yeah, most likely. I'm sorry,"

The old me who wouldn't be at peace if you had not given me your attention...

"Let's break up,"

How could I? How could I even use 'tiredness' as an excuse? I left you alone, I left you all alone like you were never in a relationship. Like you were never my boyfriend. Like you were never in love before.

"Even those words about breaking up... it was me who made you say them." I sobbed, bringing myself back from that lane of memories. My hands were clinging tightly onto his shoulder - scared to let him go. "So Stan...," I continued, closing my eyes to say something that would hurt my heart even more. I would continue to lay off from the warm bed and off to sleep in a cold one because of this. But it must be said.

"Once you go back. Once you get home...," I paused, taking a breath before trying to continue.

With all the memories flashed right before my eyes, I resume with a heavy chest. "Break up with me,"

"Break up with me, because in eight years... there is only this kind of ending for us...," The moment when I finish saying those words, the fabric that I was holding onto changes and a voice of anger and disappointment filled my ears as they said my name. "Kai!"

I tensed from hearing the rough familiar voice that made me hold onto the fabric stronger. The voice that I have known from a month ago that had me wondered and looked up to see a man who wasn't his younger self or his past self.

My eyes widened to see that he was back, in front of me and was not missing at all. He was here, he was here all along.

"You're really cruel even to the end," He said, his black eyes stare right into my brown ones and I immediately shivered. The way his hair was styled showed me so much that it was his present self.

"Wait... when did you...," Before I could even ask him how he got back, I was cut with so much disappointment in his tone. So much yearning that he hated what I said to him earlier.

"Is that all you have got to say to me? Is that all that you needed to do?!"

I was left mute and to make my shocked state became even worse, he was now grabbing me - pushing my arms off him. "Why didn't you grab me back then at the restaurant?" He asked, inching closer towards my face.

"Why didn't you hold me back and force me to think about what I said?!" He cried, breaking me away from the sudden change of emotions.

He leans his forehead to mine, closing his eyes. "Was that all I meant to you?" The voice he wore was slowly cracking. The way it sounded beats my heart into another wave of realization. A wave of knowing what he actually meant to me.

"Eight years... with you... was that just it?"

I wanted to say something. I wanted to tell him that it wasn't like that. That it was more than that. But he still continues, he still continues his speech that I left to listen intently. "Hah... Just what am I talking about? As if I have the right to tell you to grab me...," Which then he looks up at me, his eyes gaze deeply into my face - through my eyes.

"I hate you, Kai. I hated you so much that I wanted to die. I was the one who asked to break up with you but it was probably only me who was full of regrets after that...," He paused, his fingers went to brush away the damp hair that was sticking onto my face. "I went out to meet someone new. I got drunk... but when I sobered up, I was there. I was there from the beginning where I left you. Wishing that I could go back in time... wishing that I could feel that same love you had for me,"

He smiled softly at me. I couldn't understand if he was angry at me or not. But the way he looked at me that was so different from the way he was at the restaurant gives me hope. "Who would've thought that I went back to the past for real?" He continued, and I could only stare at him when he said that he went to the past. "Then, I met you there... you when you were seventeen,"

"But the funny thing is, I feel more miserable seeing you now, compared to when you're seventeen,"

Then he lets me go. He steps away from me, destroying the hope that I had before when he smiled at me lovingly.

"Kai..., tell me to go away...," He spoke, again, making me shocked. "Tell me to go away so that I can start letting you go...," finished the sobbing man in front of me as he closes his eyes. My heart started pumping when I hear his sentence.

I didn't want him to go.

"Please...," He pleaded but there was somewhere in his heart that was aching to do this.

I contemplate about his want. But I didn't want to do what he wanted. It's not fair. It's not fair when these eight years it all meant nothing in the end. That there was no progress at all. And these stupid feelings was making us do the same mistake again. I can be yours. I can be yours forever and I know that I want to be yours too.

It was sweeter than love - our journey was more than love.

And so I take back my selfishness to do what was the best for us. Because I know that you understand me so well. I know that you appreciate you and how dedicated you are for me. You are loyal to me, you never make me feel low of myself. Not only that you are, but you are kind and patient with me.

I hate being apart and I wanna show you again... that I care for you always and always. Till hell freezes over. Till you're blue in the face. Till we both can never stay here in this world no more and off to the seventh heaven.

So here I am, I take back the whole resentment towards our breakup. I take back all the sadness I had given because this is all my doing. I'm the one who left you. So let me... let me meet you in the afterglow.

"Don't go... stay with me," He widens his eyes.

"Don't go because I still love you so,"

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