Chapter 25: Memories When It's Time To Go.

Kai

"Stan, are you there?"  My voice creaks into the empty hallways of his home. Acting on my instinct, I went towards the switch lights to turn on every single light there were. All of which except the bathroom. While doing so, I scanned the place to see if he was here. There weren't any traces of him but as I went into the bedroom, I saw the bed messed up and clothes scattered over the floor.

What had just happened here?

"He's not here...," I muttered quietly, looking around his bedroom to see if he left any sign. Anything.

There was no blood so that had made me felt relief for a while. But it was only temporary. I needed to find him so that I can fully feel at ease. As I walk towards his bed, I saw something underneath the unmade blanket. A black square object.

Reaching underneath the blanket, I took the object and was surprised to see a book. But it wasn't any kind of book. It was a diary.

Stan had a diary?

I never really know him for writing his feelings or things that happened in his life into a book before. All I know of him was he... would store all up his emotions - hides it or letting it all out if I trigger something in him. But a diary...

Did he not have somebody to talk to about his feelings that he had to confide towards a simple plain book?

What have I done? From being the only one he could express to... to being one of those people he had to hide his true feelings from. I am a bad boyfriend...

Without hesitation, I open the book to see what he had written. All of the writings seem to be new like it hasn't been half a month that he owns the book. The scribbles and drawing that was everywhere in the book mesmerize me. It was just being done by black ink and the way they were drawn really resembles the man himself. There was no doubt...

As I open the second page, writings were seen.

August 23,

"The days of summer have gotten much cooler as we are reaching September. I had so much thrill about the café. It became such a new thing that I had come to like. Baking and all have been something so much fun learning and trying, and I know Kai would love it too.

But at the same time, it has been so long since I ever had a proper date with Kai. Every time we do, Kai would get exhausted immediately, and we just would go back home after a tiring day. I thought that maybe we could have some lover moment.

I know going on a date is not that important but I wanna have time with him... even at home... he doesn't even spend his time with me like he used to.

He must've been really busy with work.

Although somehow, I feel that it doesn't even have to do with work... I was busy myself, and I was sure that our level of business was the same. I go to work at the same time as him... go back at uncertain times and I have a whole company to deal with either. I'm not saying that he needs to work like me.

It was just that I'm scared... afraid... that he might have gotten tired of seeing me."

My brows began to furrow as I finish reading that page. Consequently, I began to feel curious about what he had written more. The more I read this, the more I would understand what he felt.

"September 4,

We started to not see each other much more. How was that even possible?

So when I asked him out to have his lunch break at my café, I was thrilled. I had so many dessert and drinks that I wanted to make for him. All of which would be free for him. There was never a price when it comes to him. He was the price.

A price I paid with my whole heart.

But, when he came to the café today... we didn't even talk. Never once did he spoke a word. But I myself didn't either. It wasn't because I didn't want to. It was just every time I tried to speak - when I tried to say a word, his face showed nothing but a tired sad face. There was no smile. Not a single happy smile either when he ate the cake I made special for him.

I couldn't even remember the last time I saw him smiling in this year alone. It felt like he was slowly wilting. I keep asking myself if I did something wrong. Had I not done what he liked before?

Aren't you happy anymore... seeing me...?"

I take one full breath after reading that, then resume to read another.

"September 16,

It was his birthday, and I wanted to do the best surprise ever for him. Although in my eyes it was the best but maybe in others it wasn't.

Everything went fine with the date, and I saw him smiling again. But something wasn't right anymore, we don't even talk like lovers anymore. The more I see him, the more he got busy. When he asked me to shut up, I was hurt - so hurt that I didn't even show that I was. It makes me so mad that he was treating his job as a lover instead of me. And when his colleague calls him during our date... during his birthday celebration, I got so pissed off.

So pissed that it made understand one thing finally.

That Kai doesn't love me the same he did. He didn't love me the same way I did to him.

And it had me thinking that it was just the end of us.

How could he be like that? Before he puts his affection and love towards me, towards us. Now every single thing that I do - he just tolerates it. And he doesn't even care that I had put all my love into us.

So what is happening to us, Kai?

Even when I'm mad at you, I still make you breakfast. I still care for you, and I will always still love to see you smile...

But staying with me only seems to make you sad and tired..."

My eyes became heavy with tears as I read the last sentence. In which I flip to another page that said something else.

"September 18,

We broke up. But I still love him...,"

"We broke up...," I read the words again... and again... and again. All this time, I had been the one ruining our relationship. I had been the cause of it all because I was being the one who ignores. I was being the one who didn't appreciate, who is so caught up with the reality of work that I never even bothered to know if someone close to me was affected by it so much.

Tears were flowing down my cheeks as I take in all the wrong things I have been doing. The stress of work became my priority that I didn't even try to mend it by being someone that I love. That it turns my love into disregard. What have I done...? I feel so stupid that I hadn't known or that I hadn't seen his feelings. By words, by tone - he showed every single hurt than came from me being so idiotic.

With a sniffle, I went to grab my phone from in slow motion. There was no way I could find Stan like this. He's lost, and he's nowhere near my heart. No, he doesn't need my protection... but I'm in vain of love, can't help me for checking. I hate the way I hurt you... I can't even forgive myself... anymore...

This love is so romantic but somehow it turns to tragic love. Because somewhere close in my heart there's little of you... but it doesn't mean I don't love forevermore. Watching you pretend you're unaffected when you are, and you're expecting me to let you go, but I won't. I can never let you.

Our connection is something I can never let go. So where are you? Where are you...? What are you doing, my love?

Hands shivering, I open my phone to dial a specific number that would help me find him. In hopes that it would find him, in the end, was just enough for me. I didn't need to do anything else... I'm just okay if he was here alive and moving on because it's time to go away with the memories.

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