Making the decision to keep clear of Sawyer and Justin for a few days was smart, it was needed, but I never imagined it would make me feel so alone.
I'd arrived home after the AHM Awards to find my father waiting up for me. In his haste to find me, Sawyer had called him. Dad wasn't particularly pleased that I'd taken off and abandoned Sawyer. He assumed I'd been upset because of Caroline, which was true, but what surprised me the most was that he had no idea I'd been with Justin Hart.
Sawyer managed to leave out that little detail, and I didn't know whether to feel relieved or concerned. Why didn't Sawyer tell him? I hadn't heard a word from him since his last passive-aggressive message, and I didn't contact him either. It was clear he didn't want to talk to me and obviously needed some time to cool down.
I was also grateful for that time. I couldn't stop thinking about the look on his face when I interrupted him and Justin at the bar. Had it been anger? Or hurt? The more I thought about it, the more my memory of the moment blurred.
And speaking of Justin, I hadn't seen or spoken to him either. After he dropped me home with an awkward and strained goodbye, I couldn't bring myself to message him. When I wasn't thinking about how upset Sawyer was and what would happen when we finally spoke, my mind wandered back to all the moments Justin and I shared. They'd been so intense at the time that I forgot the world around us still turned.
Maybe that's why when Tuesday came around, I organised a meeting with my group for our shared assignment at the time I usually had coffee with Justin. I couldn't bring myself to face him. One minute he was all sweet and giving me his jacket, and the next he was saying goodbye without even looking at me.
It was all very confusing. So, I kept to myself for a few days. I didn't even talk to Sascha, who was busy with her own life anyway. Unfortunately, my self-imposed solace had to come to end when it was time to start my Wednesday shift at the hotel.
I hesitated outside the office door, my hand on the doorknob as I took a few deep breaths. Just one more moment.
When I opened the door, Sawyer was sitting at his desk, his back to me as he typed on the computer. He turned slightly at my entrance but continued what he was doing. I put my bag down and leant against the other table, waiting until he was ready.
Sawyer eventually stopped typing and slowly spun to face me. We sat there looking at each other for a little while. I couldn't read his face. Whatever he was feeling, he wasn't revealing anything.
"You didn't tell Dad," I said, breaking the tension.
He looked down at his lap. "About what?"
"You know what I'm talking about." My father didn't know a single thing about Justin or the time I spent with him. I needed to know why.
When Sawyer's eyes finally met mine, his jaw was set. "I didn't want to break his heart."
The lump forming in my throat felt thick. Would my dad be as devastated as Sawyer implied? He was always the supportive and encouraging type of parent. Granted, I'd never actively kept anything from him, or hung out with the son of the people who betrayed him. There was obviously a reason I hadn't told him. Maybe this was it. Maybe it would break his heart.
That was the last thing I wanted to do.
Sawyer ran a hand over his stubbled chin as he stood up, turning his back to me. "So, this is where you've been for the past month? You've been blowing me off to hang out with him."
I shook my head. "That's not true. I've mostly been hanging out with Sascha and her boyfriend. Justin just happens to be Dale's best mate." It wasn't a lie. Most of the time, Sascha was there. And yes, I had coffee with Justin, but we weren't always alone. Others frequently joined us. "Plus, we're doing the same course at Uni."
My reasons didn't sway him. Sawyer finally faced me, and this time, he didn't hide his feelings. "Have you slept with him?"
"What?!" Between my open mouth and raised eyebrows, I'm sure I looked ridiculous. Possibly guilty, which was absurd because I'd done no such thing. "No, of course not. Why would you ask that?"
I mean, I could see why his mind would go down that path, but he knew me better than that. He knew that if anything happened with anyone else, I'd tell him straight away. It was part of our deal, or arrangement, whatever it was.
He looked down again, taking a breath before he spoke. "The other week, you showed up to work without your uniform in the clothes you wore out the night before. You said you and Sass stayed at her boyfriend's place. Is that true?"
"Yes." I had to tell him the truth.
He still didn't seem convinced. "And the part of the story you forgot to mention?"
"Justin and Dale live together," I admitted before quickly elaborating. "Nothing happened, I slept on my own."
"But you've kissed him." There was no question in his words.
I shook my head again, denying his assumption. "No, I haven't."
Sawyer let out a huff as he shook his head and looked to the roof. "You sure? Because you two looked pretty damn cosy on Saturday night."
My heart rate was starting to pick up. I needed him to see. I needed him to understand. "I'm sure. I haven't seen or spoken to him since then, either."
"That's something at least," he murmured. He then turned away again and asked a question that made my heart skip. "Do you have feelings for him?"
My grip tightened on the edge of the table I leaned against. How could I possibly answer that?
"I just met him." That was the truth. I barely knew Justin. Feelings weren't a part of it. They couldn't be, could they? "Well, as an adult. I met him a few times when we were kids."
Sawyer didn't respond. He paced back and forth across the office, lost in his own mind. What was he thinking? Did he hate me? I wasn't sure I could deal with him hating me.
I stood up and took a step forward. "Why are you so mad?" I asked softly, feeling stupid.
He looked at me as if I'd said something ridiculous. Which, I guess, it was. He was still angry about Saturday night and Justin. He wasn't going to get over it so quickly.
Except he didn't look angry anymore.
Sawyer moved towards me with hands spread wide as if his words were the most obvious thing in the world. "Why do you think, Elle? You've been spending all this time with another guy when I thought we had our own thing going on."
That didn't make any sense. "You were the one who said you wanted to keep it casual," I rambled.
"I guess I've changed my mind," he said in a low voice as he started moving toward me. "Before that first night, I watched you go out with guys and drop them whenever things even started to look like they might get serious. You were turning your back before the poor blokes could show any real interest in you."
I backed up against the desk again. There was nowhere else to go. "What are you saying?"
"Do you really need me to spell it out for you?" Sawyer was inches away. He leant further in, resting his hands on the desk either side of me. "It may have started out as a physical thing after one drunken encounter, but can you honestly look me in the eye and say you don't feel anything else for me?"
His proximity pressed our bodies together. I could feel his warmth and my heart was picking up an unsteady rhythm as I took in his handsome face. Sawyer was the man I lusted after for years. I'd pined for him, and it was like dreams coming true when he finally noticed me. For a long time, he was all I wanted. We weren't in a relationship, but it had been enough for me. Now that he was admitting he wanted more, I couldn't deny how he made me feel.
I bit down on my bottom lip and took a deep breath. "You know I can't."
Sawyer's eyes closed slowly as he took a steadying breath of his own. He brought his hands up from the desk to rest under my chin. I knew it was coming. The warmth of his fingertips felt so familiar. But the kiss, that was new.
Sawyer and I had locked lips countless times in the past few months, but they were usually lust-filled, hot and furious in the throws of passion. This time, as Sawyer pressed his lips gently to mine, it was a completely different feeling. There was so much emotion as our lips moved together that I had to reach up and hold onto his wrists to brace myself.
I eventually broke the kiss, licking my lips but not moving away from him. "That's not fair," I whispered, slightly out of breath as he rested his forehead on mine. It had been so gentle, yet so intense. I didn't know what to feel.
Sawyer rubbed a thumb over my flushed cheek. "Why, because I have an advantage?"
I closed my eyes, already knowing my next words had no ground to stand on. "It's not a game. I'm not a prize."
"Isn't it?" he countered. "You've got two men ready to giâ"
The office door swung open and our bodies jerked in response. It was my natural instinct to pull away from Sawyer, like I'd done so many times before, but he didn't let me go. He stood still, gazing at me with sparkling eyes as if someone didn't just walk in on us, as if I was the only thing that mattered in this moment.
"Oh, I'm so sorry," stammered the new girl on the front desk. I couldn't remember her name, but I was grateful she was the one to intrude and not someone like my father. "I didn't mean to interrupt. I mean, barge in. I should have knocked. I'm sorry."
"Can we help you with something?" Sawyer asked calmly without turning to look at her.
"There's just a guy out here denying he used the minibar and refusing payment, and he wants to see the manager," she rambled nervously. She clearly never expected to walk in on the bosses making out.
"I'll be right there," said Sawyer, not taking his gaze off me.
The girl mumbled a thanks and disappeared, closing the door behind her.
We stood pressed up against each other for a few more moments, me still catching my breath and Sawyer assessing every part of my expression, before he let go.
"I realise you need some time to figure things out," he said gently, taking a few backward steps towards the door. "You're still so young. I won't force anything. I won't even kiss you again until you're sure I'm what you want."
A million thoughts and possibilities were running through my mind. How was I supposed to figure that out? I had no idea what I wanted. My words were lost and I crossed my arms to stop them from shaking.
"And I want you to know that I'm here, right now, if you want me." He was halfway out of the room but turned slightly to say his last words. "But I can't wait around forever."
Then he walked out, leaving the door wide open and me more confused than ever.
Hey there,
Thanks so much for your patience. I've had a busy schedule these past few weeks, plus my imagination has been running wild planning Sass and Dale's story as well as a five-book YA series (at the moment it's five standalone but connected books, but will end up being more, I'm sure). I just can't help myself! But alas! You're here and I'm so grateful you've read this far. We are about halfway through this story now. I can hardly believe it.
Also, I've created an Instagram account where I post my writing adventures and sneak peeks into upcoming chapters and stories. There's not much there at the moment, but there will be. If you're interested, you can find the link on my profile or right here: https://www.instagram.com/kvmoore_wp/
kvmoore_wp
Thank you all, and have a good one!