If You Love Me: Chapter 38

I wake up to breakfast in bed, served by my husband. He’s dressed in nothing but blue boxer briefs with the team logo stamped on the peen pouch.

“Morning, angel.”

I grin. “I could get used to this.”

“Good. Because it’s going to happen often—although likely minus me in only boxer shorts when the girls are here.”

I pull myself into a sitting position so Roman can set the tray over my lap. “We have a lot to figure out, don’t we?”

“We do,” he agrees, climbing into bed beside me. “Optics wise, it’s probably best for you and your sisters to move in as soon as possible. But I also understand they may need time to adjust.” He sips his coffee. “So maybe we can start by inviting them over so they can get comfortable, and we’ll go from there.”

“That sounds good. To be honest, I think Callie will want to move in right away, but Fee might take more time to warm up.”

“That’s understandable. Asking her to move again so soon is more change on top of change, so we can go at her pace,” Roman says.

Emotion clogs my throat. I know in my heart I’ve made the right decision for me, but I want it to be the right decision for all of us. And here’s my husband, showing me once again, that he’ll stand by me. “You are beyond remarkable.”

He settles a finger under my chin and brushes his lips over mine. “I know you’re used to handling things on your own, Lexi, but we’re partners. So we do this together, okay?”

“I’m not accustomed to relying on other people, but I’m learning how. There’s just so much going on—personally, professionally.” My stomach flips. “I should check my phone.” I turned off my alerts yesterday afternoon so it wouldn’t be a distraction and forgot to turn them back on last night, for obvious reasons.

“Have something to eat first.” His expression and tone set me on edge.

I sit up straighter. “Did something happen?”

“Vander Zee and Fielding asked to see me this morning. Privately. I assume they’ll ask the same of you.”

“I really should check my messages.” I start to move the lap tray, but Roman holds up a hand.

“Have some toast. I’ll get your phone for you.” He kisses me on the cheek and disappears down the hall.

My appetite has disappeared, but I take a bite of toast, aware that going in with an empty stomach won’t help. I’ve eaten half a slice when Roman reappears with my clutch. As expected, I have an email from Vander Zee and Fielding citing a meeting this morning.

“We’ll do this together, Lexi. They won’t divide and conquer.” His conviction grounds me.

“We present a united front. There’s no more hiding. We tell them the truth and own the choice. They can disapprove, but we’re legally married, and they can’t take that away from us.” I worry my bottom lip. This morning won’t be easy.

He takes my hand. “You freaking out?”

“A little, yeah,” I say honestly.

“Do you regret marrying me?” he asks gently.

“No. Of course not. This won’t be a comfortable conversation, and I’m at peace with that and my decisions.” Regardless of how this impacts my career moving forward, he’s what matters most. “But my biggest worry is how it will affect you, and the rest of the team, and what it could mean for the end of your final season. I don’t want your legacy in the hockey world to be overshadowed by this.”

“My hockey legacy has nothing on marrying the love of my life. As for the team, they’re my family, and they might have some feelings about this, but we back each other up.” He presses a kiss to my temple. “We should get ready so we can deal with this.”

Roman moves the lap tray for me and refrains from commenting on the mostly full plate.

“Roman?”

When his eyes lift, I see his love for me. “What is it, angel?”

“I would have married you any day. You’re more important than this job. I’d trade it all to spend the rest of my life with you.”

He crosses the room and with strong hands and a delicate touch, he tips my chin up. “I would do the same for you. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted.” His lips are a balm filled with promises only our souls know.

I disappear into the bathroom to shower. Roman is already dressed by the time I’m done, and my outfit is laid out on the bed. It’s my standard tracksuit for ice practice. Roman helps me into my clothes, then turns me around and expertly french braids my hair. It settles me in a way only he can.

He presses a kiss to the side of my neck. “Tonight, we can work out some of this nervous energy.”

“Something to look forward to.”

He links his fingers with mine and I follow him through the penthouse, taking in the massive space as we go. I slip my feet into my shoes and, hands still joined, we take the elevator to the parking garage.

Roman, ever the gentleman outside of the bedroom, opens the door for me and helps me in. Then he takes his place behind the wheel.

“How are you feeling?” he asks as he shifts the car into gear.

“Like I’m going to vomit,” I admit. The toast I ate sits like gravel. The unknowns are scary, but he’s my one constant.

He leans over and kisses my temple. “Everything will be okay.”

What will my future look like? I don’t want to start our life together unemployed. I don’t want to end up like my mother, who always had to rely on her partner to provide financial stability. There will be other opportunities, though. Other paths I can take if I need to.

He pulls into the parking lot at the head office. Regardless of Roman’s assurances and my mental pep talks, my stomach still feels like it’s trying to turn itself inside out. “Lexi.” He squeezes my hand. “I’m with you on this. You’re not alone, and you never will be again.”

“I love you so much,” I whisper.

“And I love you.” He presses a kiss to my lips before he gets out of the car.

I meet him at the hood and fall into step beside him. My mouth is dry, and my heart is a drum in my chest. I rub my rings as we step into the elevator.

We don’t speak as we watch the numbers climb. I’m sweaty and anxious by the time we reach our floor. But I roll my shoulders back and channel confidence I don’t feel, as Roman’s fingers press lightly into the dip in my spine, and we walk down the hall together.

The scarlet letter on my forehead is burning. Shilpa, who is carrying a file folder and a sleeve of crackers, frowns as we approach each other. She’s always been kind to me. Professional and polite in the office, and chatty and friendly when we’re at the Watering Hole. But she’s the team attorney, and currently she looks less than impressed.

“Morning, Shilpa,” Roman says jovially, like we’re not about to drop a giant bomb on the head office.

Her eyes drop to his left hand and then to mine. “Roman, Lexi. I’ll see you both shortly.” She disappears into her office.

“This is going to be rough,” I mutter.

“We’ll get through it,” Roman assures me.

We will. I know that’s true. It just doesn’t feel true.

Roman knocks on Vander Zee’s open door. The head coach drags his gaze away from the computer screen, glancing between us. The disappointment on his face is cutting in a way I didn’t expect.

“You wanted to see us?” Roman asks.

“Have a seat. Forrester. Hammerstein.” He motions to the conference table, then picks up the phone and dials an extension. “They’re here.”

Roman pulls out a chair for me and takes the seat beside me. He folds his hands on the conference table, wedding band clearly on display. I do the same and try not to crap my pants.

A moment later, Jamie Fielding enters the office and closes the door behind him. “There have been some allegations, which I questioned strongly. But if you’re coming in together, should I assume there’s merit in them?” Fielding slides into the chair across from us.

Vander Zee focuses on Roman’s clasped hands and then mine, eyes flaring. “You gotta be fucking kidding me.”

Fielding frowns at Vander Zee.

Vander Zee’s teeth grind together. “How did this happen?”

“Do you want to fill me in?” Fielding looks lost.

Vander Zee taps his own wedding band and nods to our hands.

Fielding follows his gaze. His eyebrows shoot up as he glances between us. “Well, shit. Is this for real?”

“It is,” Roman replies.

“When did this happen?” Vander Zee asks.

Roman drapes his arm across the back of my chair. “Does the when matter?”

Vander Zee pins him with an irritated glare. “If the two of you are married, we need to know. We have a process in place that’s been blatantly disregarded. Did you learn nothing from your daughter?” He scrubs his face with a palm. “We need to bring Shilpa in.”

Fielding dials Shilpa’s extension. They speak for a moment before he hangs up. The silence in the room is tense as we wait for her to join us. Fielding and Vander Zee both look like they’re trying to keep it together.

Shilpa takes the seat next to Fielding. I don’t know if it’s just me, but she looks as green as I feel. She sets a thick folder on the table in front of her and motions between us. “Is this real? Are you legally married?”

“Yes,” Roman and I say at the same time.

She pinches the bridge of her nose, then levels me with a look that speaks volumes. “You I’ll get to in a moment.” Her attention shifts to Roman. “You’re retiring in a couple of months.”

“I’m aware.” He’s so calm, unruffled.

I want to channel some of that, but there’s a storm brewing and we’re in the middle of it.

Vander Zee clicks his pen in agitation. “Of all the players on this team, you’ve been the one who can prioritize the game and the welfare of the team over your personal relationships. Why, in the final weeks of a twenty-year career, would you choose now to change that? And with the only female-identifying assistant coach in the entire league. Do you have any idea how difficult you’ve just made our jobs, and Shilpa’s? Hemi is going to shit a brick.”

Shilpa looks like she could spit nails. I don’t love being on her bad side.

“Do you think I fell in love to spite all of you? That I did this on purpose?” Roman motions to our superiors and crosses his arms. “Do you have any idea how hard this has been for Lexi? The challenge this poses? It’s my fault she’s in this tenuous position. I pursued Lexi, not the other way around.”

“Are you saying this was coercion?” Fielding crosses his arms.

“Is that a serious fucking question?” Roman snaps.

“What the hell are we supposed to think? Yesterday Donnie came in with allegations, and today you show up married.” Vander Zee points to our hands.

“Think whatever you want, but Alexandria is my wife. That should tell you everything you need to know about our feelings for each other. Lexi and her personal welfare take precedence above all others, except for my daughter. They sit at the same level.”

I cover his hand. “I’d like to hear these allegations.”

Fielding sighs, and Vander Zee shifts around. Shilpa rolls her eyes.

“Donnie expressed concern that Lexi only took the job for financial opportunities,” Vander Zee says, keeping his face carefully neutral.

“Because it’s a better-paying job than my last one?” I ask. “Isn’t that how the job market and career growth work? Did he completely disregard the fact that I took a position in Niagara that paid significantly less than the one I had in Windsor so I didn’t have to uproot my sisters after we lost our mom and their father?”

“I’m explaining the allegations, not telling you I believe them.” Fielding’s jaw tics. “Donnie suggested that your friendships with the office staff and some of the personal ice sessions that included Roman were meant to…” He clears his throat. “…seduce him.”

I scoff. “Because seducing him in front of his teammates wouldn’t have garnered negative attention from the other players? Talk about ludicrous. Not to mention that Roman is a forty-year-old man with the ability to control his hormones, especially when he’s on the ice. We are both professionals who can and have separated our personal feelings from our professional duties.” I turn to my husband. “Would you agree?”

His lip twitches. “I would.”

I turn back to Fielding. “What else did Donnie say?”

“He believes you’ve been planning this for some time. That you targeted Roman specifically and curated your friendships to get you closer to him.”

“Wow. That’s just…wow.” I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “So from his perspective, I’m what? A sociopath? Do you believe your star goalie, who mentors his teammates and who you regularly talk through game strategy with, would fall for someone with no moral compass?”

“This sounds like someone reaching because they didn’t get what they wanted.” Roman rests a protective arm across the back of my chair. “Lexi is a remarkable leader and an inspiration, which is what I and everyone sees when we look at her. She came to this city as the sole guardian of her two grieving sisters, while also grieving the loss of her mother. She made hockey history when she became an assistant coach. Do you not agree that it would be impossible to bear that load of responsibility alone?”

Shilpa turns her head and swallows thickly.

“Are you okay?” Vander Zee asks.

“I’m fine.” She takes a sip of water then turns her attention to Roman. “Do you understand the implications of your actions?”

“Absolutely,” Roman replies. “Donnie has been gunning for Lexi’s job from day one. He’s made a point of giving her his unsolicited advice about who she should be associating with more than once. Yourself included, Shilpa. Lexi and I have spent a lot of time together this season on the ice—because of her role, not some outlandish plan to seduce me. She’s an outstanding coach and member of our team. Our current position in the standings affirms that. Off the ice, she’s a dedicated sister, parent, and friend. I fell in love with all of Lexi. I didn’t intend for it to happen. I tried to keep my distance, but she and I have history and a connection that is clearly impossible to deny, since we’re sitting here as husband and wife.”

“If the roles were reversed, this would be grounds for automatic dismissal,” Vander Zee says.

“You mean if I was the player and Roman was the coach?” I ask.

“I would have retired early to make this happen,” Roman jumps in.

“That’s why you came in and asked about the Hockey Academy and Ryker being ready,” Vander Zee muses.

Roman nods. “I floated the idea, but ultimately we decided, for the good of the team and Lexi’s well-being, that this was the better course of action.”

“You said you have history. What does that mean?” Shilpa asks.

I swallow my anxiety over this revelation, but I have to own it. “We met each other years ago, before I took the job. I didn’t believe it would interfere with my ability to handle my role with the team because it was so long ago, and brief.”

“Knew each other in what capacity?” Shilpa demands.

“We spent time together.” Roman remains evasive.

Shilpa looks to me. “Did you have an intimate relationship with Roman prior to accepting the position as assistant coach?”

“We did,” I admit.

“Why is this relevant?” Roman asks, trying to keep me from being interrogated most likely.

I squeeze his hand. “They’re trying to ascertain whether I joined the team with ulterior motives, as intimated by Donnie.”

“Couldn’t you have asked the same thing about Hemi or my daughter?” Roman snaps.

Shilpa leans back in her chair. “This is not the same, Roman. Aurora went through the proper channels prior to joining the Terror, and she proved that she was committed to the team, and the welfare of the team, when she brought her concerns and her relationship to management before she even applied for the position. Dallas and Hemi’s situation is vastly different. Hemi is not in a position of power over Dallas, and while the way that rolled out was not ideal, it doesn’t pose the same level of challenge as this.”

Shilpa’s gaze shifts to me. “It’s my job, as the team lawyer, to assess the facts and determine what the next steps should be. But your relationship with Roman should have been disclosed prior to stepping into your role as assistant coach?”

“I understand, but I didn’t believe it to be relevant as it was one weekend, three years ago,” I explain. “I didn’t think Roman even remembered me.”

“Well, you were obviously wrong since you’re sitting here as a married couple.” Shilpa taps her pen on the conference table. “I’ll need legal documentation, including your marriage certificate. Alexandria, you’ll be on a leave of absence while we perform an internal review.”

“You will not fire her over this,” Roman says hotly.

“You are not in a position to make demands, Roman,” Fielding barks. “And an internal review is standard protocol under the circumstances.”

“This puts the team and the leadership under a microscope,” Shilpa adds. “The problem is the lack of forthrightness.”

“Dallas wasn’t very forthcoming about being in love with Hemi from jump,” Roman states.

“Again, Roman, this is not the same. Lexi is a coach. You are a player. The lines are very clear.”

“I retire in two months and would have handed the net to Ryker to save Lexi from this bureaucratic bullshit if I’d known this was how it would go down, regardless of how ready Ryker is.”

“But that’s not what happened, so here we are.” Shilpa replies evenly. “My job is to take care of the team, and that includes management and the players. It’s my duty to ensure that the people who work for this team also have the team’s best interests in mind.”

Before Roman can go off again, I hold up a hand. “I understand the need for an internal review. I expected this, and if I were in your shoes, I would do the same thing. I am very aware of the challenges I’m up against because of this. If I could have shut off my feelings for Roman, I would have. The easier route would have been to let him retire early, but I didn’t want that for Ryker, or for the team, and especially not for Roman. I hope the review gives you peace of mind, and you’ll see that my allegiance is to the players and the welfare of the Terror.”

“We’ll keep your leave quiet while the review is being performed,” Fielding says. “In the meantime, please hand over your keycard, and I’ll escort you out of the building.”

“Is that necessary?” Roman asks.

“It’s okay.” I squeeze his hand.

“You’re treating my wife like a criminal.”

“We’re treating her the same way we would any coach who marries a player without going through the proper channels.” Shilpa pushes her chair back and looks at Lexi. “You being married to Roman might save your job, but I sincerely hope you’re ready for the battle you’re about to face.”

“I know. And he’s worth it.”

“That’s the right answer.” Shilpa leaves the office.

Vander Zee exhales harshly through his nose. “I need to brief Boxer and Thomas before practice.”

I pass over my keycard and ID badge.

“I’ll walk Lexi out,” Roman declares.

Fielding gives him a look. “I have to function as an escort.”

“That’s fine,” I say, trying to keep everyone level.

Roman is on the edge, and the last thing we need is him doing something that will get him benched. He takes my hand and leads me down the hall. And of course we run into Dallas and Ash on the way out. Their instant jaw drop is a sign of the challenges to come. At least their surprise means we did a mostly good job of hiding what was going on. Fucking Donnie…

Roman dips his chin. “I’ll see you guys shortly.”

I feel bad for them, because we’ve created one hell of a headache for both of their significant others.

The elevator doors open, and Kellan and Connor step out. Their smiles drop as they process the scene.

“Oh fuck. Holy shit.” Connor’s gaze volleys between us. “Wow.” He runs a hand through his hair. “I guess the heat is off me.”

“If you know what’s good for you, you’ll watch your mouth, Grace,” Roman grinds out.

“I’m already down a coach. I can’t afford to be down a goalie and an enforcer.” Fielding ushers us past them and we step into the elevator.

The descent to the parking garage is tense and silent.

“Take my SUV,” Roman says while Fielding stands guard by the door. “I’ll get a ride to your place when practice is over, and we’ll figure things out, okay?”

I nod. My head is spinning, my stomach in knots.

“We’re in this together.”