If You Love Me: Chapter 30

“I’ll see you after the game.” I hug my sisters at the private entrance to the arena, reserved for injured players and staff.

“You ready for popcorn and snacks?” Dred links arms with Callie.

“Yes! Do you think I’ll get to say hi to Connor after the game?” Callie asks.

“Definitely. You’re his favorite,” Dred replies and winks at me.

“Try to keep her away from the caffeinated beverages,” I whisper to Fee.

“I’ll do my best.”

“Good luck tonight, Lexi.” Tally smiles and waves.

Tally’s boyfriend, who’s been hanging in the background, gives us a chin tip and follows the girls down the hall.

Vander Zee sighs. “I can’t believe that kid has lasted this long. Here’s hoping he goes home for the summer and things fizzle out.”

I clap him on the shoulder. “Let’s manifest that into existence.”

“I just don’t get it. He’s just…flat? He’s been to dinner at our house three times, and all I know about him is that he’s an engineering major, he has a younger brother, and his dad is also an engineer. I don’t even know what kind of engineer.”

It’s not my place to judge, but Fee doesn’t have a lot of nice things to say about him either. “He is a—uh quiet one.”

“There’s quiet, and then there’s this chucklehead.” Vander Zee sighs. “Madden would be a better option than this guy.”

I arch a brow. “Seriously?”

“Fuck no. But this kid gets two thumbs down.”

I pat him on the shoulder. “She’ll figure it out.”

“I sure hope so.”

We head to the locker room for the pre-game pep talk.

“Family’s here tonight?” Boxer asks Thomas.

“Yeah, and we brought Donnie’s youngest along. His oldest has a tournament tonight,” Thomas replies.

It’s interesting that Donnie was all over me about my relationship with the office staff and team, and here he is doing the same thing. I keep my mouth shut about it, though, because I don’t want to draw unnecessary attention to my situation. Only a few more months…

I take my spot with the rest of the coaches behind the player bench and wave when I spot the girls in the box with Dred, Tally, Hammer, Rix, Hemi, and Shilpa.

“Your sisters have been at the games a lot lately,” Boxer observes.

“The home weekend ones, yeah,” I agree.

“I guess it saves on babysitting, eh?” Thomas quips.

I can’t tell if that’s a jab or I’m being extra paranoid. “Tally and Fee are friends.”

“I noticed.” Thomas rubs his chin. “Those girls are all tight.”

“They are. It’s nice to know my sisters have people looking out for them, especially when so much of our job takes place outside regular hours.”

“It gets easier when they’re older,” Boxer assures me. “And it’s good that your sisters get to see you in action. I bet it’s real inspiring to see you behind the bench.”

“Thanks, Boxer.” It’s nice to have affirmation from my colleagues, especially Boxer, since he and I work together so often.

The guys file off the ice and onto the bench, ending that conversation.

First period puts us ahead by two after Madden and Stiles score a goal apiece. Defense is playing tight, and Roman shuts out Tennessee, giving us the win. It feels good, like the extra practice is worth it. And not just because it means more time with Roman.

Fee, Callie, the girls, and Tally’s boyfriend come down to meet us while the team showers and changes. Callie is bleary-eyed, having fallen asleep during the third period. “I’m tired, and my tummy is sore.” She wraps her arms around my waist and buries her face against my stomach.

I stroke her hair. “Too much candy?”

“Maybe.”

Dred mouths, Sorry.

“Bet it seemed like a good idea at the time.” I rub her back. I can’t be angry at her for having a good time, or Fee and Dred for not noticing. At least she’s happy and had fun, even if the aftermath isn’t so pleasant.

“Some of the guys from res are at the Brass Taps, and Braydon is on the door, so we can get in no problem,” the boyfriend mutters to Tally.

She gives him a look. “Can we talk about this after?”

“It’s Friday night, Tally. I’d like to hang out with some of my friends,” he grumbles.

“Just give me a minute, okay?” Her irritation is obvious.

He sighs but continues typing on his phone.

Tally gives us all hugs and tells Fee she’ll see her tomorrow afternoon, then turns to me, expression apologetic. “Can you tell my dad I said bye and that I’ll call him tomorrow?”

“Of course.”

The guys come out of the locker room as the boyfriend follows Tally down the hall. Callie, who was falling asleep standing up moments ago, perks up when Connor appears.

He gives her a hug. “How’s my number-one fan?”

“I’m good. You were great out there tonight. And no penalties!”

“I was keeping it clean just for you.” He winks. “Is it still cool for me to come to your next game?”

“Only if you’re not busy.” Callie twists her fingers together.

“Never too busy for you. One more hug?” He opens his arms, and she wraps hers around his neck.

“See you later, Coach.” He gives me a chin tip and continues down the hall.

Callie’s eyes light up all over again as Roman approaches. My ovaries get all excited about him in a suit, and my heart turns mushy when he crouches in front of Callie. His brow furrows. “You look like a tired little girl.”

“I ate too much candy,” she admits.

He opens his arms, and she snuggles right into him. “It’s hard to resist, isn’t it?”

“I couldn’t say no to the gummy bears. They’re my favorite.”

“I have trouble saying no to those, too,” Roman commiserates.

“Can you come to my game again this weekend? Dred said she can come, and Connor is coming, too.”

“If Connor can make it, I’m pretty sure I can.”

Callie smiles hopefully. “Really?”

“Yeah, I need to support my favorite goalie,” he says with the utmost seriousness.

“I’m your favorite?”

“You are.”

“Sometimes we go out for chicken fingers and french fries after. You could come with us, if you want.”

“That sounds perfect.” Roman winks at me.

The rest of the group make plans to go to the Watering Hole, but I need to get Callie home. Otherwise she won’t get enough sleep, which could make tomorrow’s game tough. She always wants to play her best, especially when Roman or Connor comes to watch.

“You want me to carry you to the car?” Roman asks Callie.

“Yes, please.”

“See you all later,” Roman tells the rest of the group.

Dred hugs me and whispers, “Stay strong.”

Roman picks Callie up and she wraps her arms around his neck. She rests her head on his shoulder.

“This is too cute.” Hammer pulls out her phone and snaps a few pictures before she hugs me and kisses her dad on the cheek.

“Did you have a good time with the girls tonight?” Roman asks Fee as we head for the car.

“The game was so good! Tally and I were talking about next year, because I applied to the same program she’s in. I know she’s a year ahead, but it would be so cool to know someone on campus already. Especially since we love the same things.”

“I think that’s great. Peggy loved university.”

“Tally says it’s the best!” Fee exclaims. “And like, the people in my art program this semester are so fun, and I’m making better friends now.”

“It’s nice to feel understood, isn’t it?”

“It is. Like so great.”

Callie’s out cold when we reach the car, so it takes the two of us to get her buckled in. I nearly melt when Roman kisses her on the forehead and tucks her stuffed axolotl under her arm.

Roman waits until Fee is in the passenger seat and the door is closed before he murmurs, “Message when you’re home.”

“Aren’t you going to the Watering Hole?”

“Not tonight.” His fingers brush the back of my hand.

“I wish I could invite you back to my place.” There’s an ache building low in my stomach.

“Me, too. Not long now, though. Then I won’t have to resist those gorgeous lips of yours.” He winks and walks away.

I slide into the driver’s seat and turn the engine over, adjusting the radio so it doesn’t wake Callie.

Fee fiddles with the snap on her purse. “Sometimes I feel bad for liking Roman as much as I do.”

I grip the steering wheel. “How do you mean?”

“He’s such a great dad. Like, he’s so close with Hammer. I mean, they work together and everything, and then the way he is with Callie…” She tugs on the string of her hoodie. “He goes to her games. He asks me about school and stuff. He really cares. It’s like we’re part of this big family, you know? It makes me miss Mom and Dad. And sometimes I feel guilty, because no one can replace them, but at the same time, there are holes in my heart, and I want to fill them. Does that make sense?”

“It absolutely does, Big Pheels. And I feel the same way.”

She looks over her shoulder and drops her voice. “Callie says sometimes she wishes Roman was our dad.”

My heart clenches. “I can understand that.”

“She told me she was going to wish for it when she blows out her candles this year on her birthday,” Fee says softly. “I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s impossible because he’s a player on your team.”

“Until the end of the season, yes.” I swallow the guilt that follows on the heels of hope. I want the same things she does.

“But then he’s retiring, right?”

I swallow. “He is.”

“What will he do after he retires? Will he have another job?” Fee presses.

“Probably. A lot of teams would love to have him as a coach. He could end up anywhere.” The Hockey Academy satellite campus seems like a real possibility, but I can’t tell Fee that. Not yet.

“Oh.” Her disappointment makes my heart hurt. “But Hammer is here. He wouldn’t leave her, would he?”

“Probably not,” I agree.

“Okay.” She rolls her bottom lip between her teeth. “You like him, don’t you?”

“He’s been very kind to us.” I hate that I can’t be honest with her, that I have to deflect.

“Yeah. He has.” She’s silent for the rest of the ride home.

Fee helps me get Callie up to the condo and into bed before she disappears into her room. Apparently her favorite Lord of the Rings fanfic author just updated, and she needs to read it right now.

I wait until I’m in bed before I snuggle up with my phone. Roman has already messaged. I worry that we’re not hiding things as well as we should. But I’m weak for him.

I love working with him, seeing him every day, but it’s as painful as it is wonderful.

The selfish part of me loves this idea, but the coach in me knows how much it will devastate the team. They’re his family and they’re already sad enough to see him go at the end of the season. I need him, but…

The dots appear and disappear three times.

I long for the comfort of his closeness, and our easy conversations.

My heart aches at his raw honesty. And truthfully, I doubt I have the strength to say no to him if he showed up at my door tonight.

Pretending he’s just a player and I’m just a coach is breaking me down. If I have something to hold on to, even if it’s still weeks away, then maybe it will get easier.