If You Love Me: Chapter 19

I’ve just managed to get my feelings back inside the box when there’s a knock at the door. I frown as I check the time. It’s barely nine. I’m so not prepared for company. I’m still in a robe, and I’m sure I look a wreck. But Callie is already rushing down the hall.

“Callie, wait until I’m with you before you open the door,” I call after her.

As soon as I’m in view, she throws it open.

“Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!” Santa and his two unlikely elves say.

“Santa? Oh my gosh! Lexi, Santa is here!” Callie exclaims.

I nearly burst into tears. Because standing in the hall is Roman, dressed as a very convincing Santa—minus the incredibly buff arms that pull at the seams of his red suit—and two elves in the form of Dred and…Connor Grace?

Dred is all smiles, and Connor is wearing his customary smirk.

Callie tips her head back. “Wow, Santa. You’re tall. And not as friend shaped as I expected.”

I almost die. “Friend shaped” is what her teacher calls her chonky cat. As in, Mr. Snuggles is friend shaped and excellent for hugging.

“Mrs. Claus and I have been eating pretty healthy these days,” Roman says with a chuckle.

Dred snorts, and Connor covers a laugh.

“You even brought elves!” Callie’s mouth opens in an O as her attention swings to the right. “Connor Grace?” She grabs my arm and bounces around like she has springs in her feet. “You’re one of Santa’s helpers? And Dred!” She takes Santa’s hand and tugs. “Everyone come in! We’re eating cookies and croissants for breakfast because that’s what you do when you wake up on Christmas and you wished for your mom and dad to come back but they can’t because they’re in heaven.”

I choke back a sob. I cannot lose it.

Dred pulls me in for a hug. Roman gives me an empathetic, concerned smile and skims the back of my hand when he passes. Callie drags him and Connor down the hall, talking a mile a minute.

“You okay?” Dred asks, eyes full of concern.

“This morning has been rough, and it’s barely started. I can’t tell you how happy I am that you’re here.”

“Deep breath. We’ve got you.” She hugs me again.

“Thank you.” I squeeze and step back. “Where did you get these costumes, and whose idea was this?”

“The idea was Roman’s, but we do a whole holiday-themed thing at the library every year, so I borrowed the costumes. As I’m sure you’ve noticed, the previous elf was a lot smaller than Connor.”

I glance over my shoulder. His pants are capris, his socks pulled up to meet the cuff and the shirt sleeves are six inches shy of his wrists, exposing a hint of artwork. It’s also at risk of busting at the seams across his shoulders. “Not too many six-three elves out there, I guess.”

“Apparently not. How you hanging in there?”

‘Close to breaking to be honest.”

“We’ll hold you together.” She hugs me again.

“It means so much that you’re my friend and you’re here.”

“There’s nowhere we’d rather be. Also, Connor in an elf suit is pretty fucking spectacular, and I plan to take many, many photos.” She inclines her head toward the living room. “Come on, let’s make some new memories.”

“Sounds good.” I’m so grateful I don’t have to handle today on my own.

“We’ve had this tree my whole life,” Callie explains. “My mom was allergic to pine sap, so we couldn’t have a real one. And all the ornaments are homemade. We make them for each other every year.”

“We do the same thing at the North Pole, don’t we, Elf Connor!” Roman exclaims.

“Yup. Sure do.” Connor inspects a clay snowman. “It’s a pretty bomb-ass tree.”

“It looks like an art project gone awry,” I whisper.

But I love it so much. Everyone else in our neighborhood had thematically decorated trees, and we had one in the front room that was for show, but we also always had the family tree after Fee and Callie were born.

“Can I offer anyone some coffee or hot chocolate?” I ask.

“I would love it most if you mixed the two together,” Connor says.

“That sounds delicious.” Roman pats his flat stomach and ho hos.

Dred helps me doctor up the coffees, and when we return, I pause at the threshold. “Why does he have to be so obscenely kind?” Callie is sitting on Roman’s lap, telling him about her dream.

“Oh, my dear friend. What a complicated world we live in.” She gives me a look. “I know you think you’re not supposed to have feelings about or for that man, but Roman was born to do three things: play hockey, be the best kind of dad, and love people. As I mentioned, this was his idea.”

“He’s just being nice for my sisters.”

“I’ve seen the way he looks at you, Lexi.”

I side eye her.

“You deserve someone like him.” She smiles softly. “But I’ll pretend I don’t see or feel the tension between you two.”

We pass out the drinks, and I set a tray of chocolate croissants on the coffee table.

“Santa brought us presents!” Callie exclaims.

“I’ll get Fee. She won’t want to miss this.” I head down the hall and knock on her door.

“I’ll be out in a few minutes!”

“Can I come in for a sec?”

I hear her groan, but she follows with a yes.

I slip inside. “Santa and his elves are here.”

She wrinkles her nose. “Uhh…”

“Let me rephrase that. Roman is here, dressed as a very convincing Santa.”

Her brow furrows. “On Christmas?”

“Yeah. And Dred and Connor Grace are here as helper elves. Callie fully believes he’s Santa, though.”

Her eyes go wide. “Oh my God. Connor’s so hot. Why didn’t you tell me they were coming?”

“I didn’t know until they showed up at the door. And Connor is way too old for you.” He may also have done something to Flip’s sandwich at some point that inspired a decade-long grudge, so I have questions, even if he’s choosing to be a nice guy today.

She rolls her eyes. “Hammer is with Hollis, and he’s twelve years older than she is.”

She has a point. And I’m over here lusting over a man a decade older than me. But I’m closing in on thirty and she’s still in high school. It’s not the same. “They weren’t dating when she was seventeen. In fact, they weren’t dating until she was almost twenty-one. That’s not the point. Just get your ass out there because Callie would like to open presents, and I’m sure you’d like to say hi to Dred since I’m not sure how long they’re staying.”

“Give me five.” She pushes me out the door.

As promised, she joins us in the living room five minutes later, fully dressed, wearing makeup.

“Fifi, look! It’s Santa! And Dred and Connor Grace are his helper elves!” Callie is happily perched between Roman and Connor. She’s still wearing pajamas, but I stopped in my room to throw on jeans and a sweater and brush my hair—and teeth.

Fee waves and blushes.

Roman winks, and Dred gets up to give her a hug.

“Perfect! Now that everyone is here, you can open your presents!” Santa ho hos as he rummages around in his red sack and passes gifts to the girls.

Fee waits for Callie to go first. She tears into the paper and squeals with absolute delight. “I’ve been looking at these gloves forever! Thank you, Santa!” She squeezes Roman’s neck.

“You’re welcome, Callie. I’m glad you like them. Every goalie needs a favorite pair of gloves.”

“These will be my lucky gloves! I just know it!”

Those gloves are unbelievably expensive. I’ve been waiting for a holiday sale so I can get them for her. She must have said something to Roman about it when we were out with the team for dessert. It’s the only way he could have known.

Fee opens her gift next. “Oh my gosh! This is a bound edition of Valiant—I can’t even.” She flips the pages. “It’s signed? To me? Oh my gosh! Thank you so much, Santa!” She rushes over to hug Roman, then stares lovingly at the book.

“And now it’s your turn, Lexi.” Santa passes me a small box.

“What’s this?”

“Santa always brings gifts for everyone, even the biggest sister.” He winks and sits back in his chair looking like he absolutely belongs here. Next year could be so different. I could be his again, and he could be mine. We wouldn’t have to sit on opposite sides of the room, or fight this painful draw.

I focus on the gift, so I don’t start crying, and tear through the paper, noting the care that went into wrapping the presents.

Inside is a gift certificate for three mani-pedis at the place Hemi always raves about. It’s thoughtful, kind, and honestly a wonderful gift, because I can treat the girls to something fun. “Thank you, Santa. This is perfect.”

I don’t waste the opportunity to show my appreciation through a hug. Roman stands, and it doesn’t matter that he’s wearing a Santa suit, my entire body responds when his arms come around me. Like I’ve just found my home. “Thank you. You have no idea how much better you’ve made today,” I whisper.

“It’s better for me, too,” he replies softly.

I release him, not wanting anyone else to pick up on the energy between us—especially because it feels very much like I’m falling for this man.

Santa and the elves finish their hot chocolate and croissants before Santa tells us he has to return to the North Pole or he’ll be late for dinner with Mrs. Claus.

Callie wrings her hands. “Do you all have to go?”

“I can stick around,” Dred offers.

“I’m off duty now, so I can hang out for a bit, too,” Connor assures her. “But I need to change out of my elf gear so Santa can take it back to the North Pole.”

Callie nods. “You should definitely get Connor a new elf suit. He’s too big for this one.”

“He had quite the growth spurt this year!” Roman claps Connor on the shoulder and tosses in another ho ho ho.

We all try not to laugh.

It’s a flurry of hugs, and Callie rushes down the hall to change out of her pajamas.

I walk the three of them to the door. “Thank you so much for this.”

“Way better than spending Christmas Day drunk,” Connor says.

“Absolutely our pleasure. We’ll be back in a few.” Roman winks.

My heart stutters. I check to make sure the girls aren’t in hearing range. “Where are you getting changed?” Hopefully not in a car.

“I live a couple buildings down,” Connor says.

“Oh, I didn’t realize.”

“I moved at the beginning of the month. We’ll be quick.”

“Okay.”

While they’re off changing out of their costumes, my dad calls. “How are you and the girls doing?” he asks. “Have they had a chance to open their gifts yet?”

“Not yet. Santa stopped by with his elves this morning.” I check to make sure Callie isn’t around. “A couple of the guys from my team and one of my friends set it up. Callie was over the moon.”

“I’m so glad to hear that. I’m sorry I can’t be there with you.”

I get it. They spent last Christmas with us, and it’s Jacqueline’s birthday, but it still hurts. “It’s okay. Are you having a good time in the Bahamas?”

“It’s beautiful here. Send me pictures of you and the girls when they open their presents.”

“Of course.”

There’s a knock at the door, so I let him go with promises of photos from today.

“Look who I found!” Connor claps Roman on the shoulder. The three of them are laden with gift bags and food.

I usher them back into the living room, and Callie’s eyes light up all over again. “First Santa, and now my two favorite hockey players are here? This is the best!” Callie hugs Roman, then turns to Connor, who has changed into jeans, a black button down that covers those tattoos on his arms, and a faux Santa hat with the Grinch on it. “I love the Grinch. I think he’s misunderstood.”

“I relate,” Connor says with a wink and smile.

Roman joins us in the living room and listens raptly while Callie tells him about the visit with Santa. There are more gifts for the girls—thoughtful, cute things that make them smile.

We play board games—Dred destroys all of us—and make the elaborate gingerbread Zamboni Roman brought over. What started as the second-worst Christmas of Callie and Fee’s life, and probably mine, turns into a wonderful celebration and amazing new memories. I want this feeling to last, but I worry it will disappear when they all have to leave later.

When it’s time to think about eating an actual meal, Roman helps me in the kitchen with dinner while the girls and Dred and Connor set the table.

“Thank you so much for doing this,” I whisper as we stand side by side, assembling the stuffing. Throwing dinner together is easy since I ordered it from a local restaurant.

He covers my hand with his. “I’d rather be here with you all than at home alone. How are you holding up?”

“The start of today was rough, but it’s better now.”

He strokes his thumb along my knuckles. “Always so strong. You’re a force, angel. I’m proud of the way you love these girls.”

I tip my chin up, butterflies fluttering in my stomach at the praise. Having him here has made today not just bearable, but joyful, and I don’t want it to end. “You don’t have to go after dinner, if you don’t want to.”

“Do you want me to stay?” he asks.

My need for him wipes out everything else. “Yes, please.”

He drops his head, eyes on my lips, but Callie rushes in to grab a paper towel because she spilled her water, breaking the moment.

“Sorry about that. I forgot myself,” Roman says softly.

“It’s okay. I did, too.”

We bring the food to the table and finally sit down to our Christmas feast.

“Can we still say one thing we’re thankful for before we eat?” Callie asks.

“Absolutely. Do you want to start?” I ask.

“Okay. Everyone take the hand of the person beside you,” Callie instructs.

I slide my hands into Roman’s and Fee’s.

“I’m thankful for Lexi and all her new friends, because without you, this Christmas would have been sad.”

My heart aches. Roman squeezes my hand.

Callie turns to Connor. “It’s your turn.”

“I’m thankful for being traded to Toronto, because it means I get to have Christmas dinner with my number one fan.” He winks at Callie.

She beams up at him. The girl is totally smitten. Clearly I need to watch out, because she has a thing for bad boys.

Dred is next. “I’m thankful that the condo across the hall from me came up for rent and brought new friends into my life who fill my heart, especially on days like today.”

Fee takes a deep breath and knocks her shoulder against mine. “I’m thankful for you, Lexi. You’re a really good big sister, and I know it’s not easy being our not-mom too, but you’re doing a great job.”

“I love you.” I wrap my arm around her shoulder and kiss her temple.

“I love you, too.”

Dred sniffs and looks away for a moment.

I make sure I’m composed before I speak. “I’m thankful for my sisters, who show me what perseverance and strength look like every day, and I’m thankful for this new job and all the wonderful people it’s brought into my life.”

Roman smiles, thumb brushing along my palm. “I’m thankful for takeout Thai, because without it, we might not all be together today.”

Dinner is filled with smiles and more laughter. Roman tells stories about how Hammer would always try to stay up so she could see Santa when she was young. Dred entertains us with hilarious, outlandish things that happen at the library—that place is hoppin’—while Connor sits back and mostly observes.

After dessert—Dred wasn’t wrong, Rix’s pumpkin pie is to die for—Connor offers to drive her home. We send them off with hugs and thank yous, then gather in the living room.

I pop on a movie, and Fee’s friend from school invites her for Boxing Day shopping, which turns into Fee asking if she can sleep over so they can get to the mall early, before the crowds. By the time her friend’s mom picks her up, Callie is already fast asleep. Roman helps me tuck her into bed around nine, and then it’s just him and me—and the wild sexual tension that’s been building all day.

I should send him home. We shouldn’t cross any more lines, but I don’t want all the good of today to disappear when he walks out that door. “You can stay a little longer?”

“I don’t want to be anywhere but here.” His raw honesty is breaking me.

“What should we do now?” I give in to the urge to touch him. I’m tired of being good—of staying in control. I long for the past, when it was just us and the rest of the world didn’t exist.

A roguish smile quirks the corner of his delightful mouth, and he leans down until his lips brush my ear. “It’s time for me to unwrap my present.”