Back home

I sigh when in the bell signals seventh periods end rings. It means we get to go home (for most seniors).

"When Samantha lost you, she locked herself in her room and hadn't come out since yesterday," Ashley explains as she pulls into Samantha's driveway. "She's been beating herself up for her mistake."

Ashley crawls out of the car, shuts the door and walks up to her friend's house.

I look back on yesterday, knowing full well that it was my fault. I've given Samantha more grief that I didn't want to give.

Willow greets us with a warm hello.

"How is she?" Ashley asks.

Willow sighs and tells the truth. "She won't come out of her room and I fear that if I barge in, it'll make things worse."

"Well," Ashley puts her hands on her hips and a bright smile on her face to lighten the mood. "I've got a surprise for her."

Willow looks at her with a smile. "Let me guess, you've found her."

"Yep," Ashley pops the 'p'. "She was brought to me actually, but we won't go into detail over that."

Willow's smile wilts a little. "I'm glad you were there for Samantha when I wasn't, Ashley. I don't know how to repay you and your family for the extreme kindness you've shown my daughter."

The small talk has taken a serious turn and it leaves Ashley silent.

"I'm just... being there for my friend, that's all," Ashley says with an unsure shrug.

Willow hums, knowing she's put Ashley in an awkward position. She steps aside to let the girl pass through.

Ashley stands at Samantha's door, staring at the dark wood. Or maybe she's trying to use the force to push the door open. Ashley with force powers sounds terrifying.

She reaches for the knob and opens the door. "Sam?" She says in a tender voice.

Samantha, who is curled up under the sheets, answers her friend. "Not right now," She mumbles.

My heart squeezes tightly in my chest. She's so torn up about this.

Ashley sits at the foot of Samantha's bed to set me down on the cushy mattress. 'Go.' She mouths. At first, I awkwardly stand there before moving my legs to walk across the bed.

Ashley gets up and walks out of the room, shutting the door softly. Now it's only me and Samantha.

Now I have to decide whether or not I should climb over the girl or not. It's probably best to take the latter.

"Samantha? Are you okay? I ask. It's a stupid question. Of course, she's not okay.

There's a long pause as I hold my breath and wait for the giant girl.

The blanket is pulled away as Samantha sits up. She quickly finds me standing at the edge of the bed. Her eyes are a little red and puffy from crying. The distressed look on her face melts away and she scoops me up with excitement.

Her lips pucker up and I'm mushed against the moist, sponge-like surface. The kiss is so long I start to believe I'll suffocate.

Samantha pulls away and holds me against her cheek. Tears form and dribble down her face. "You're okay." She hiccups.

I smile softly. "I'm okay, Samantha. There's no need to freak out."

Samantha softly cries as she holds me close to her. She repeatedly apologizes for losing me.

Now comes the hard part for me. I have to explain myself to Samantha how I was actually lost. The guilt of making her feel like she's a bad girlfriend for "losing" me is an open bullet wound and coming forward is my only way of sewing it up.

"It's not your fault. If anything it's my fault for leaving the bag." I say.

Another pause.

Samantha wipes her tears and calms herself down enough to look me in the eyes. "You left the bag?"

At first, I defend myself, but I decide to own up to it. "I-... yes, I left the bag."

"Why? How could you do something so stupid!" She shouts in frustration.

I wince. I knew there'd be a lecture when I got back, but I didn't think she'd shout at me.

"I-"

"Don't you know how dangerous it to get lost at school? What if you got stepped on or taken?" Samantha continues.

"Sam-"

"Do you know how much I was worried for you? How terrified I felt when you weren't in my bag? Did you ever think about that?"

"Just listen to me!" I shout back. "I felt bad for bothering you while taking your calculus test! I know you've been stressing about it for over a week and I was just trying to help you out! Instead, I get stuffed in a bag with my feelings hurt! Then I thought it was my fault for putting you in a bad mood so I wanted to apologize when the last thing you needed was that! In fact, I was the one who needed an apology because you've been so wrapped up in school that you've neglected me as a girlfriend and a tiny!"

"Neglecting?! Oh, so this is about our relationship now? I've been stressing over this test because it's important to me, Caesar. I'm sorry if you don't get every second of my attention!" Samantha counter argues. "And on top of that, you've been getting buddy-buddy with Mai these last few weekends. Did you ever think about how I felt about that?"

"You don't see me complaining about Ashley." I snap back.

"That's completely different! We hardly ever hang out."

"Bullshit!" I shout. My blood boiling like a volcano ready to blow at any second. "You two hang out all the time! With every single damn chance! And here I am, being dragged around like I'm a fucking pet! Just so I can watch you two hang out!! Watch you two have fun and do things that I can't do with my own girlfriend?! It drives me fucking insane! Because she fucking has everything that I don't! I can't fucking hold your hand, I can't kiss you, I can't hug you! I can't fucking do anything with you without feeling like I've done nothing to deserve it! And the reason why I feel that way is because I love you damn much, but I don't know how to show it!" By the time I'm done with my rant, I'm left breathless, empty-minded, and hot tears rolling down my cheeks.

Samantha's lips part, clearly shocked over my outburst. She's left completely speechless. The girl reminds me of a fish on dry land, gasping to breathe.

I wipe my tears and the snot away with a sleeve. When I speak again, I sound like a bullfrog. "I'm jealous, Samantha. It's not because of what Ashley has, but what most people on this earth have. I'm tired of feeling weak and helpless all the time. I just want to be normal."

Samantha stares at me, the shock still plastered on her face as she tried to soak in all the information. I just poured my heart and soul out to her and I don't even know how to react. I just started saying stuff then I spilled my guts all over the floor. And these damn tears need to stop falling from my face!!

"Do you really feel that way?" Samantha mutters.

I nod without saying a word.

Samantha's gently brushes her thumbs against my cheeks to wipe the tears away. The saltwater continues to leak out though. I bite the inside my cheek and furiously try to get rid of the tears.

"It's okay to cry, Caesar," Samantha says gently, her thumb resting against my cheek.

I bite down harder, trying to keep the swell of emotions from breaking free.

Samantha holds me against her chest like a mother holds her child. Gently and protectively. That's the push that broke the dam.

I've never cried so hard in my life. Letting every bit of anger, every hardship, every mishap, bad moment, heavy memory, everything that has kept me chained in this cold, heartless, and lonely shell of a person, go free.

My hands grip Samantha's shirt tightly like she's my last lifeline. No, she is my last lifeline. There's no one else on earth that I care more about than Samantha. Not Mai, not James, and definitely not Ashley. Because they could never give back what I've lost in these last few years.

Samantha rubs her fingers up and down my back as I scream and cry every frustration that I've been holding onto for far too long. She hums a gentle and made up toon.

The screams will disappear into hard hiccups, then those too will fade away into hard breathing and soft sniffles.

My body feels clean on the inside, my mind free, and my heart is lifted. Sometimes crying is all you need to do.

My body relaxes against Samantha's chest, listen to the heartbeat that I've grown to love.

"Do you feel better now?" Samantha asks.

I nod. "Yeah,"

"Do you wanna talk about?"

"Not right now, no. I just want to lay here."

"Okay,"

My breathing grows soft and even. I'm on the verge of falling asleep until Samantha asks me a question.

"Are you self-conscious about your size when you're around me, Caesar?"

That's an interesting and personal question that I'd never thought to hear. In all honesty, I am self-conscious about my size when hanging out Samantha. It's fun being her little cuddle buddy and everything, but I'd kill to hold Samantha in my arms. To go on a picnic and lay down on a blanket and point all the different shaped clouds while holding hands. It sounds like a dream come true.

"Caesar?"

I shake my head. I realized I've been staring off into space. "I'm just so tired. It's been a real roller coaster of emotions and I'd like to forget our argument."

Samantha bites her lip. "About the argument, I'm sorry for being so rude. I should have been more grateful for your safe return. Not getting mad about you getting lost. It... it was kind of my fault anyway." The brunette chuckles sheepishly.

I snort. "It's kind of both of our faults."

Samantha clicks her tongue. "How we just blame the universe for the bad timing."

I can't tell if she's joking or not, but I agree with her anyway. "Okay."

"So..."

"Sam, I'd like some peace and quiet."

"Okay, I can do that."

I close my eyes and drift off, knowing that I'm in safe hands now.