2. Are You Gay?

Noah

I looked forward to lunch every day as a chance to catch up with my friends, not as a chance to fill my stomach. That might be because our cafeteria generally only sold carb rich foods, or what I liked to call 'stodge'.

Today was a good day though, because they had chicken nuggets and curly fries!!

I was slowly making my way through my fries, having a debate with Max about the fact, yes fact, that sparkling water tastes salty, when I suddenly became aware of someone hovering at our table.

I looked up to see Robin stood there with his tray of food.

"Can I sit with you guys today?" he asked.

Robin had never asked us that before. He usually just plonked himself right down and butted straight in on our conversation.

If you didn't know him, he would look perfectly normal asking that question. He didn't look particularly stressed or sad, but I could tell that something was wrong. Because he wasn't smiling. And his eyes weren't sparking. And he hadn't said my name once, or done our lame ass handshake, or ruffled my hair.

"Of course," Max said, and I nodded in agreement, cursing myself for not responding quicker.

The table was silent for a few moments as Robin settled down to eat his food.

I knew I had to say something. The air was filled with a tension that I couldn't stand.

"I know it's bullshit you know," I said, making Robin freeze with his fork halfway to his lips. "I just thought you should know, I know it's not true."

Robin put down his fork and just stared at me for a few seconds. I couldn't read his expression and it unnerved me a little.

"What's not true?" he asked.

I felt my heart speed up and small beads of sweat start to gather in my palms.

Did he not know? No, he must know. He was definitely not acting like himself so he must have heard.

"You know," I said hesitantly, "about the picture that's going round."

"You mean the picture of me and Bradley? Yes, that is me."

"Yeah, I know it's you, but it's what they're saying, you know, because you're with Bradley and the fact he's gay, and well, so they're saying you must be gay too."

He just raised his eyebrows a little, and in my nervous state I just carried on rambling.

"It's stupid really, I mean, just cause you're stood with him means nothing. But people are so stupid and wanting any piece of gossip that they just put 2 and 2 together and come up with fif-fucking-teen. I mean, just cause you were with him, doesn't mean you caught the gay does it?" And I ended with a little snort of derision.

I looked up at Robin and his emerald eyes immediately fixed on my blue ones.

I expected him to look happy. Or maybe at least relieved to know that I didn't believe the rumours, but instead he looked....well he looked hurt and angry. With maybe a little bit of disappointment thrown in.

I felt myself start to shrink back under his gaze.

Eventually he broke eye contact and he stood up slowly.

"You know, I'm actually not that hungry so I think I'm just going to get a head start on my homework in the library," and with that he turned his back on me and walked out of the cafeteria.

I stared down at my plate. My appetite suddenly lost too. What had just happened? I wasn't too sure. But my stomach clenched with one realisation. I was about to lose Robin.

A movement from next to me made me turn to look at Max.

"Wow, that was brutal man," he said, while shaking his head at me.

"I don't understand what just happened," I said, still a little bewildered.

"What just happened is that you insulted your very gay friend."

"What?"

"You heard me."

"But, he's not......he's not gay." I said, although for the first time today my voice held no conviction to it.

Max sighed. "Why don't you just ask him?"

"Because then it would make me look like I believed them."

"But that wouldn't matter, as long as you believed his answer."

I nodded thoughtfully.

"Yeah, maybe I'll ask him."

I glanced over to the table that Robin usually sat at and saw Charlie, his best friend, staring at his plate rather glumly. I guess he hadn't taken the gossip well either.

I drew my attention back to my food and continued to eat the now cardboard tasting fries. Why couldn't this have happened on concrete mash and undisclosed meat day?

Dean and Zac joined us at our table and the conversation predictably moved on to the weekend's premier league football games.

I half listened and joined in where needed, but my mind was elsewhere.

I had a free period after lunch, and I think it was the first ever time I didn't see that as a good thing.

You see, I really needed a distraction. And now I didn't have one. And as I sat at the table in the back corner of the library all I could think of was what I was going to say to Robin.

Because my next lesson was Geography.

After what felt like the longest hour of my life, I arrived to Geography early and sat in my usual seat.

I furiously doodled on my notepad waiting for Robin to show up.

Would he show up? If he did, would he choose to sit somewhere else?

The part of me that hated awkward conversations kind of hoped he would, but the other part, the part that was terrified that Robin was no longer my friend, knew that if he did sit somewhere else it would leave me pining for what I'd lost.

I still wasn't exactly sure what I was going to say. In fact I was hoping I might have to say very little. I'd been thinking about our earlier interaction and realised I should have let him speak first. Then he wouldn't have misunderstood what I said.

I still wasn't entirely sure why he stormed off. Surely he could see that I was just being supportive. Even if he was gay. Which I was still pretty sure he wasn't. I mean, I practically lived with the guy for a week on the field trip. I'm sure I would've been able to tell.

Other students started filtering into the classroom and I felt my shoulders start to get tense. My doodles consisted of lots of dark lines where I'd run my pen over the same line, over and over, making a spikey sort of explosion shape.

The room was pretty full now but there was still no sign of Robin. My shoulders started to lose their tension and began to sag.

What if he was skipping just to avoid me?

I shook my head slightly, trying to reassure myself that he might have just gone home earlier in the day to avoid having to face any more gossip.

My hand automatically made its way to my phone in my pocket.

Yes, if he didn't turn up, I would definitely text him. Just to check he was ok.

Mr Granthum entered into the classroom, shutting the door behind him and I let out a small sigh.

Not 10 seconds later, the door suddenly flung open and my breath caught in my throat as Robin came flying in.

"Glad you could make it Mr Frost," Mr Granthum said, giving Robin his signature glare over his glasses.

"Sorry I'm late," Robin muttered to Mr Granthum, before he took his seat next to me.

He quickly rooted in his backpack and pulled out a notebook and pen. Once his bag was back on the floor, he glanced in my direction and it was only then that I realised I hadn't taken my gaze off his face since he walked in the door.

I quickly looked back down at my notepad and silently cursed as I felt the tips of my ears turn warm.

Thankfully Robin turned away just as quickly and then proceeded to stare down at the empty page in front of him.

The lesson progressed in much the same way.

I had never in my life been so aware of a person sat next to me as I was today. Every time he shifted in his seat I felt myself hold my breath. His legs were so long, that I'd noticed in the past that sometimes they would stray into my side of the desk and our feet would end up touching. I never really thought about it much before, but today, his feet were notably absent.

I never thought I'd say this, but I missed the touch of his feet. Because the fact that he was fine with his feet touching mine, meant that he was comfortable around me, and I liked that. Today was like the definition of uncomfortable. And I hated it.

The bell sounded making me jump a little due to all the pent up tension in my body.

Robin immediately began shoving everything into his bag at speed and I knew that it was now or never.

"Robin," I said, grabbing hold of his arm lightly before he could take off.

He looked back at me and I suddenly totally lost my train of thought as his eyes locked with mine. I'd never seen his eyes like that before. So full of something. But what the something was I didn't know.

"What?" he asked, seen as I'd failed to say anything.

"Erm, can we talk a minute?" I asked, my mouth feeling as dry as cotton wool.

He looked at me for a few seconds, and I thought he was going to say no, but then he sat back down with a resigned sigh.

My stomach clenched at the thought I now had to make some kind of conversation. It seemed clear that the whole plan of 'let him do the talking' was unlikely to work seen as he was just sitting there, determinedly silent.

I waited until everyone had disappeared from the room, before I coughed a little in preparation, my hand reaching round to scratch the back of my neck.

"Urm Robin, I eh.....I eh don't really know what I did to upset you back at lunch, but, er, whatever I did, I'm sorry."

I saw Robin close his eyes and drop his head down further.

"That's the problem though isn't it," he eventually said. "You don't know what you did."

I looked at him blankly. What could I say to that?

I began fiddling with my hands, picking at some flaky bits of nail that had been bothering me all day.

Robin sighed then got up to leave when I didn't say anything else.

"Wait!" I said desperately, grabbing onto his sleeve.

He stopped and looked at me with a raised eyebrow but said nothing.

I swallowed hard, then took a breath. I had to do it. I had no other choice. And if I thought about it, I had nothing to lose, as I already felt like he'd slipped away from me.

"Are you gay?"

The moment it was out there I wanted to take it back. It was like an obnoxious wasp buzzing round the two of us, deciding who to sting.

Robin's eyes met mine. At least he didn't look angry. I wish I knew what the look was though.

"Yes, I am," he replied before turning and walking out of the classroom.

The door closed behind him and all I could hear was the beating of my own heart.

I wanted to cry. I really wasn't sure why. It wasn't me that was gay.

Had I lost him for good? Did him being gay change what we were?

I slowly got my things together and headed out of the classroom.

I don't even remember how I got there, but I found myself standing next to Max's car.

"Hey, how was Geography?" Max said as he sauntered over.

Trust him to get straight to the point.

I didn't reply until we were both sat in the car.

"Well I asked him," I said.

When I didn't say anymore, Max said, "And....?"

"And he said he was gay," I replied, my voice considerably quieter than usual.

"I knew it!" Max exclaimed, banging his hands on the steering wheel. "I so should have put a bet on it!"

"A bet?" I asked him in confusion.

"Yeah! I had a suspicion ages ago that he was gay."

"Yeah, right," I grumbled.

"I so did!" he said back while starting the engine.

"But he doesn't act gay at all," I argued back.

Max snorted. "Yeah he does, you just don't see it for some reason."

I shook my head at my friend. Max was very competitive and was not one to back down from an argument, but I was pretty sure he couldn't win this one.

"Go on then, name one gay thing he's done."

"Easy, he sent you a Valentine's day card."

"As a joke, you moron!" I said laughing.

It was typical Robin. I'd arrived at my locker at school to find this massive card wedged into the side of my locker.

I opened it up, cringing in embarrassment as everyone watched. It had a giant Noah's ark scene on the front with lots of cute cuddly animals on an ark with a rainbow over the top.

Inside the card read,

Roses are Red,

Violets are Blue

I saw this card

And I thought of you.

Then there was a big question mark at the bottom.

I remember feeling my stomach sink at the idea that I had an admirer somewhere in the school. For some reason I found the idea fucking terrifying.

But then I heard singing coming from down the corridor.

I looked up to see Robin and a group of his friends from the football team walking down the corridor arm in arm, swinging their legs in unison as they walked, while singing, "The animals came in two by two, hoorah, hoorah..."

I remember shaking my head and smiling as they came closer. I remember the relief I felt, knowing that the card was a joke and not the real deal. I remember the glint in Robin's eyes as he finally turned to me and flashed me that dazzling smile that made girls weak in the knees. And I remember Robin's friend Jake, approaching me from the side and telling me how hilarious my face was when I first saw the card and thought it was real.

"That was not a joke!" Max said firmly.

"It was, he even said so!"

"No, Jake said it was a joke. Robin's face said something different, he...."

Max trailed off as something caught his attention on the side of the road.

I looked across him to see a small crowd gathered by one of the bus stops. It took me a couple of seconds to see why, then I saw him. Robin was stood at the centre of the group, his jaw clenched tight and his hands balled up into fists at his side.

Max had ground to a stop in the road, which gave me the opportunity to see who was stood facing Robin. It was Jake. And he was stood in a similar fashion to Robin, like some kind of standoff.

Before I had a chance to say anything or react, Max had rolled down his window.

"Hey, Robin! Do you want a lift?"

I quickly snapped my gaze to my feet and I felt my body sinking back into my chair.

I didn't even know what Robin's response was. I was too busy having an internal battle in my head.

I could feel my pulse firing around my body, and I could feel my cheeks starting to get warm. Why was I reacting like this? Did it really matter that he was gay? I wasn't homophobic and it really made no difference to me whether he liked dick or not. But for some reason my body didn't seem to be listening. My body seemed to be reacting all on its own.

It wasn't until I heard the back door of the car open and shut that I knew that Robin had agreed to the lift. I was both relieved and mortified at the same time. I was relieved that he had been pulled away from the situation he had found himself in, but I was mortified that he was going to see me in the state I was in, and then think I definitely had a problem with him being gay.

Which I didn't. I really didn't.

Max pulled away, and I suddenly realised that I hadn't even acknowledged Robin since he got in the car. And now it was too late. So I just sat there in silence wishing that the seat would just swallow me up.

It was Max who spoke up first.

"Rough day eh?" he said, looking at Robin in his rear view mirror.

"I suppose it could have been worse," he said, and I could picture his shrug of the shoulders as he said it.

I wanted to shout back, "How?" How could today have possibly been any worse, because for me it had been torture. From the first moment I heard about that damn picture it had just gone from bad to worse, to pissing awful. But I didn't say anything. Like the idiot I was, I just sat there in silence.

"So how did Charlie take it?" Max asked Robin.

"He was shocked, but he'll get over it. I think he's more angry with me for not telling him."

"Yeah, I suppose I can understand that," Max said, "but you're right, he will get over it, once he sees things from your point of view."

The rest of the drive was in silence. Silence that felt like it went on forever. I couldn't think of a single thing to say. Well, that wasn't quite true. I couldn't think of a single thing to say that wouldn't make me look like some kind of idiot. I wanted to say I was sorry. But would that make it sound like I was sorry he was gay? Like it was some kind of illness?

I wanted to ask him if he was still my friend. But that would make me sound like a 10 year old whiney girl. Plus, I wasn't sure I wanted to hear his answer.

I couldn't believe that in the space of one day I'd ruined everything.

Max pulled the car over and I looked up to see that we were outside Robin's house.

This was it, my last chance. I needed to say something.....anything!!

Max beat me to it.

"So are we still on for ice skating tonight?"

My head snapped round to look at Max. Ice Skating. Shit. I'd totally forgotten we were supposed to be going ice skating tonight.

"Erm, yeah, sure, it's still on," replied Robin. "That's if you still want to come?"

For the first time since he'd got in the car, I turned round to face him, and as I suspected that last question was aimed at me.

"Erm....yeah....I er...." My voice wouldn't work. Why the hell could I not even form simple words?! I felt like I'd been mute and this was the first time I had spoken in years.

"Of course we'll be there!" Max interrupted. "Noah hasn't been doing all that practice for nothing!"

I smacked Max in the arm at the same time Robin asked, "Practice?"

"Yeah, um, it's no big deal," I managed to mumble, thankfully finding my voice again. "I just wanted to check I wasn't too rusty."

"Too rusty?" Max said laughing. "You looked like Bambi on ice!" He then turned to face Robin. "He was so convinced that he'd make an idiot of himself in front of you that we spent hours last week just getting him to the point where he could stand still on the ice without falling over!"

I swear my head was going to explode with the amount of blood that had shot up to my face, and I very quickly started plotting my best friend's murder.

But then something happened. Something amazing.

Robin laughed.

And not just a small chuckle, but a full on loud Robin laugh.

I turned back round to face him and couldn't help the smile that spread across my face as I watched Robin clutching his stomach as his head was thrown back in laughter.

Finally he calmed down and his eyes met mine. And they were alive with energy, just as I remembered them. And as he held my gaze for a few seconds, I felt my stomach lurch like I'd just gone over the top of a hill on a rollercoaster and I was plummeting to the ground.

Robin broke eye contact to take off his seatbelt and started scooting out of the car. Then he stopped and leaned back over towards me.

"See you tonight, Bambi," he said, before ruffling my hair then getting out of the car.

I looked straight ahead trying to avoid Max's gaze as I couldn't seem to wipe the wide grin off my face.

"And my work here is done," Max muttered as he pulled the car out and back onto the road.

I turned to look at him and was about to ask him what he meant, but then realised I didn't want to know. The last thing I needed was another argument with Max over something. Not when my mood had finally picked up.