Chapter 36 Can You Accept That

***One of those cute babies growing up so big and beautiful!***

Hesitantly, I picked up my left arm and slowly crossed it over my chest so that my hand could clasp at Pierce's right one that hung just over my shoulder. Holding onto his warm flesh I tried to speak.

"P...Pierce?" I started and immediately felt him flinch and stiffen. His reaction halted any further attempts on my part to talk.

Pierce took a firmer grasp on my hand and after a moment I felt his body slowly relax. He leaned over closer to me so that his forehead rested on the side of my head.

"Sorry," he murmured.

"You o...okay?" I asked tentatively.

Pierce gave a slight huff of laughter.

"I think that's my line," he said softly.

Confused. I twisted my head to look up at him.

"What does that mean?"

He stared back at me with a combination of expressions chasing across his face. He finally answered simply, "You're stuttering," as if that said it all.

"I d...did?" I said then immediately stopped as I realized I was stuttering at this very moment.

I clamped my lips closed in frustration. I hadn't realized. And of course, Pierce, ever attentive, had. I hated, more than ever this persistent, involuntary stammering that I couldn't seem to shake.

"You don't even realize when you stutter?" Pierce asked, looking surprised.

I shrugged and looked down. It was embarrassing, but I guess I didn't.

Pierce squeezed my hand and gave a small chuckle. The chuckle made me lift my head back up to his.

He was still staring down at me. As our eyes met, he smiled.

"Don't be mad," he said with a rueful expression. "You're just so cute."

I rolled my eyes back at him. I had no idea what he was talking about now. He was upset one moment and in the next laughing.

"I don't think I am the only one with problems. You might one to get those mood swings checked out," I muttered, feeling flustered as well as a tad bit mean.

But of course, I shouldn't have worried. My words only made Pierce chuckle louder.

He let go of my hand and shifted on the sofa to face me more. I reciprocated until we sat facing each other, our knees touching. Pierce's right arm still ran along the back of the couch, his fingers absently toying with strands of my hair. His other hand sought out one of mine and he held it lightly, letting it rest on his thigh.

He was still smiling as he stared down at me, his body once again completely relaxed.

"I hate when you stutter because it's a sign of your anxiety. Did you know you have hardly stuttered the last few times with me and not at all today, so when you did just a few minutes ago I was startled... and worried."

I hadn't realized I had been stuttering less. And I was both embarrassed and pleased that Pierce had.

I lowered my eyes then glanced back up at him. "I wish y...you wouldn't worry about it."

Pierce looked surprised by my words. "How can I not worry about you, Jackson. It's like breathing or being hungry. Neither are choices. Both naturally happen. My concern for you is a natural manifestation of my... my affection for you."

I blushed. There was that word 'affection' again. I liked hearing it as much as I had the first time. But it still didn't mean I liked being a worry to Pierce or worse, seen as weak.

"You can't worry about me all the time, Pierce," I said, trying to explain my thoughts but finding it difficult without coming right out and saying, I want to be your equal partner!

I didn't think we were quite there yet and I sure wasn't brave enough. Besides we still needed to talk and I had blown that with my stuttering. I needed to get this conversation back on track but what we were talking about was just as important to me.

This relationship thing was very confusing! Life was definitely simpler when you only had to worry about yourself. But as I looked up at Pierce, I knew I wouldn't go back to it for anything. As difficult and confusing and worrisome as all of this was, it had changed me and my life for the better. Pierce had. I would just have to keep working at it and through it. I didn't think I really had a choice anymore.

"I..." Pierce started to say but I leaned forward and put my finger over is lips. He kissed it and winked.

The blush I had had previously rushed back to warm my cheeks. He was such a flirt, even during moments like this.

"I know you worry and are concerned and I can't stop you. Okay. I get that. B...but," I stumbled over my words trying to articulate what I wanted to say so that he understood. "But don't fix...fixate on it."

Pierce frowned and I realized I hadn't succeeded in making him understand.

"Some things just are, Pierce. And like you noticed I have stuttered a lot less around you. And you should take that as a...a huge compliment," I assured him with a smile. "I am very comfortable around you, but even as comfortable and secure as I feel there will still be times I will stutter. I never completely stopped with my parents. I...I never completely stopped around the guys. My thoughts. My emotions. The environment. The subject matter. People around m... me. Noises. You name it, they can all trigger an unexpected moment of anxiety that will then trigger stammering or increased heartrate, or that horrible churning in my stomach, or at worst a panic attack. These things c...can happen. They c...can occur less frequently and I will always want to work on that but I just cannot, absolutely will not have you taken on the responsibility of my every stammer or stutter or panic. I... I don't want to be your responsibility that way. I... I," I faltered to a stop, not ready to voice what I did want.

Pierce's face had remained neutral as I spoke. I couldn't tell if he was angry, hurt, worried or disappointed. His poker face was kind of scary. A telltale glimpse of what he was thinking would have been welcomed about now.

His fingers were still idly playing with my hair. He seemed to be contemplating my words and taking what I said very seriously. I appreciated that but I didn't appreciate the stretching silence. I needed him to say something.

"P...Pierce," I whispered.

He gave a small start of surprise. He had been so lost in his own thoughts that my voice startled him. His vacant look turned rueful as he realized he had just completely blanked out on me. I grinned back at him. I wasn't the only one around here that could be cute.

"Sorry. I was thinking," he explained.

I nodded back at him in understanding. It wasn't the first time I had seen Pierce space out when thinking seriously about something. It was just the first time it had happened with such a serious personal conversation between us. It wasn't his fault my nerves were invested this time.

Pierce finally began to speak.

"I can't promise you not to worry, Jackson. I just can't. I'd be lying while I said the words. And I bet you couldn't make that kind of promise either," he tacked on, looking at me in question.

And of course, I couldn't. If there was something going on with Pierce and I knew it, I would be worried about him and for him. It came along with caring.

I sighed. I understood his point. He wasn't wrong. But there was still a difference here and I needed him to understand.

"I..."

Pierce held his hand up, quietly asking me to stop.

"I get it," he finally said.

"You do?"

Pierce nodded back at me.

"I do. But I don't know just yet how to completely "fix it." You're going to have to be patient with me. My inclination in everything is to be that bulldozer, you know? My inclination where you're concerned is multiplied by ten."

"You are my responsibility, Jackson. But not in a burdening way. At least not for me. But the fact that you feel my natural tendencies to be burdensome to you is something I have to acknowledge and work on."

"Wait! I..." I tried to break in, feeling frustrated. He wasn't burdensome to me. His feelings weren't burdensome. I just didn't... I just didn't...

"I just don't want you t...to see me as w...weak!" I finally exclaimed, daring despite my embarrassment, to share one of my deepest secret fears.

He was always so strong. He talked the talk and walked the walk. He made bold proclamations, sometimes even outrageous ones but you could never tell what he was thinking behind that stoic face he put up. He was fearless. He was strong. He was bold.

And I was his complete opposite in every way.

Comparing our differences, drawing attention to them was the last thing I wanted to do. I guess deep down I still questioned what he saw in me. Maybe deep, deep down I was scared he would see me as weak because I really was, no matter how hard I tried to say differently.

"Jackson," Pierce said, looking down at me with a slight frown. "I..." he started to say something to me but stopped. He tried a few more times to speak but each time he stopped himself until suddenly he shook his head in frustration and grabbed my face in between both of his hands.

"You're frustrating," he finally growled. "You're naïve. You're inspiring. You're silly. You're loyal. You're anxious as hell. You're brilliant. You're considerate. You're ridiculous. You're adorable. You're... you're so many, many things Jackson, but never once has the word 'weak' crossed my mind when I think of you. You are in fact, the complete opposite. The strength you have to get out and do what you do despite the anxiety is something you should be proud of."

"I do understand what you mean though. And I guess maybe I have been watching you like a hawk ready to jump in and help when needed. Maybe I have been a little too diligent in my quest to vanquish anything in your way that may upset you and I promise to work on that."

"But you should know, I watch you like that, too because you are so damn hot that sometimes I just want to look at you. And I'm sorry. But I can't and won't change that. A man has needs. And one of mine is gazing, watching, staring, observing, looking, beholding you!"

"So," he huffed out after finally winding down. "Can you accept that?"

"Oh my gosh!" I would have covered my face with my hands if I could have but Pierce's hands were still firmly holding me in place. He was now grinning down at me wickedly enjoying my discomfiture and I never wanted to smack him more. Even more than the first night we met! He loved winding me up. He could be so evil!

Before I could give voice to any of my whirling thoughts though, Pierce swooped in, his mouth landing firmly on mine. From that point on any desire to speak fled as his warm lips worked my own with the sweetest of pressure that said so much.

Weakness didn't exist in this moment. Just two men who cared deeply for each other, still learning about each other, sharing and growing to an understanding of what it meant to be together.

After long, long moments, Pierce finally pulled back looking flushed and quite pleased with himself as he stared down at my bemused expression.

A moment later he asked, "Now what did you want to say to me earlier that had you stuttering by just saying my name?"