Chapter 18

A/N: Sorry for the VERY long wait for this chapter. The pandemic kicked my mental ass a little bit making me not want to write. As you all know already, I usually write stuff that deals with serious emotional issues, and I was just dealing with enough emotional shit in real life. So I just needed to take a break for a moment there, but now I am back and you should know that I am almost done writing Chapter 19 already. Sorry that this chapter is a little bit shorter than usual, but it is partly because the next chapter will be much longer than usual.

"I want to get out of this town," I tell E.J. as soon as I am sure he's awake.

I have probably been awake for two whole hours, wanting to leave this town, see my grandmother, and then head back to somewhere warmer. I've had enough of this cold, irritating drag queens calling me handsome, and this entire confusing thing with E.J. to boot. I just want to leave now.

"Why?" E.J. asks as he rubs the sleep from his eyes. His hair is standing everywhere making him look extremely cute, but I try to ignore that fact completely.

"Because I just want to. I want to find my grandmother, and then I need to get out of here. I don't like this state. I'd rather take my chances in New York. I still owe you a concert or a show remember," I answer, not wanting to tell E.J. what is really going through my mind.

"Well... Can I just wake up before we talk about this?" E.J. says as he gets up out of bed making his way to the bathroom. When he reaches it he turns around. "I really think we should talk about this a little bit. I'm not ready to go back to New York. And it's Christmas tomorrow. I'd like to not be on a bus on Christmas."

"Just get dressed," I answer, thinking about throwing on yet another hoodie over everything I already have on. I'm beginning to feel like a stuffed fat guy at this point, but after last night I will do anything to keep the cold away.

"Okay. Meet you downstairs for breakfast?" E.J. asks to which I nod. I am a bit hungry, and now that he has mentioned breakfast my stomach is making sure that it's exactly what I need.

I watch as E.J. disappears into the bathroom to get ready before I leave the room, taking the creaking steps down the hallway and down the stairs to where I know breakfast will probably be ready.

"Good morning handsome!" Cameron exclaims as I enter the dining room, where the table is covered in toast, fruits, jams, teas, and every other type of cereal imaginable.

I grab a box of Cheerios and fill a bowl, pouring milk over and plopping two pieces of buttered toast on top of it before I sit down and acknowledge Cameron.

"Look Cameron. We're not friends," I say without looking up from my bowl. "I'm just a guy on a road trip with his best friend. I'm not looking to complicate my life."

"Now aren't we touchy," Cameron whispers loud enough for me to hear. "Listen big boy..."

He waits until I look up from my breakfast, catching my eyes with his, locking them there, making me see the lips I kissed last night in a weak and lonely moment.

"You have a beautiful but broken boy upstairs who loves you to hell and back. He knows about your plans on ending your life at the end of this trip, and still he is there for you. But who knows for how long? It's one thing standing by a friend who doesn't have a choice in dying. It is another thing completely when the person you love is choosing to go and wanting to leave you behind. You might need some friends to the end, because if I was E.J. I would have left a long time ago and kicked you under the ass," Cameron says more serious than what I have ever seen him. No theatrics. No drama. Just a boy sitting across from me telling me what he actually thinks of my entire situation.

"You don't know jack shit about me," I mumble, taking a piece of toast and pushing it into my mouth.

"And that's where you're wrong handsome. I know you because I have been where you are. Wanting to take my life just because someone did me wrong. I'm still sitting with the scars on my body and soul. Just like E.J. He didn't give up. I bounced back. Why can't you? Scared that another boy with a cute face will come along and take E.J. away from you? That the love you two share won't last long just because of your face?" Cameron says, making me shift around in my chair and wishing that E.J. would come down now and save me from this conversation I really don't want to have.

"I'm straight," I answer Cameron, as if those words will fix everything. As if they will take away the strange feelings I have been feeling for E.J. As if they will take away all the confusion about myself.

"God you're stupid," Cameron says just as E.J. enters the room, wearing what looks like every hoodie he owns.

"Who is stupid?" E.J. asks. I can hear the chirpiness in his voice. He must have really had a good sleep.

"You're boytoy over here," Cameron says with a smile.

"Well that's nothing new," E.J. replies taking a seat next to me, but ignoring my presence completely. "Are there any shops around here? Like a mall? It's Christmas tomorrow and I haven't done any Christmas shopping yet."

"I know about a few shops just up the street. I'm driving down there in a little bit if you want to come with?" Cameron answers. "I'm heading out the day after Christmas. Need to be in Toronto for my big gig remember."

"Yes, and you still promised me a show as well," E.J. replies, giving a little laugh. "You can't leave without that now, can you? Brody already promised me a show that we never made it to."

I sigh and put my spoon down, feeling the cereal go thick in my throat.

"I'm right here you know," I say reaching over to take E.J's hand just to realize it and pull my hand back again. "You don't have to talk about me as if I'm not even here."

This has been the story of my life. My mom and stepdad arguing about me as if I didn't even exist in the room. Later on foster families talking about what an issue I am right in front of me, as if I was invisible.

"Then what would you like to do?" Cameron asks, leaning on his elbows on the table. "We obviously want to go and do some Christmas shopping."

"I'd like to go and find my grandmother," I whisper.

"Would you like me to come with you?" E.J. asks, this time pulling his hand on my thigh and turning towards me.

I can't say that I wouldn't want E.J. to be there, right next to me when I face her and ask her why she just abandoned me. Ask her what her shit is all about. Why she never came to my mom's funeral. Why she didn't come and take me away from the monster who ended up throwing acid in my face. I want to ask her why she wasn't there for her own daughter when she was being abused by some son of a bitch. And most of all... The question I have hidden from myself. The one I have lied about when I looked in the mirror, pretending the problem was six feet underground. Did she maybe know who the hell my biological father was?

"No," I answer, shaking my head from side to side in order to convince myself of the matter. "I think it's something I need to do alone. I think I need to be completely alone. No offense E.J."

I put my hand on top of his and squeeze it, and for once he doesn't pull his hand away. His hand feels soft and warm underneath mine, like a solid foundation I can hold onto when times get rough, and I have no idea how I am going to see the woman who I secretly blame for my life going to shit without E.J. there to hold my hand through it.

"Are you sure?" E.J. asks.

"I mean I can drive you guys there. E.J. and I can even wait in the RV until you're done. It might be good to have some moral support there," Cameron chimes in before I even have a chance to answer.

I can't help but glaring at Cameron. Sure, having a ride would be nice, but I have no idea what would be going on and the last thing I would want to do is to be vulnerable and a mess in front of Cameron once again. I like to look and feel strong in front of E.J., but he has seen me at my worst. He saw me in the hospital after everything happened, so it is easier to break down in front of him. But Cameron... Someone I don't even trust? I don't think so.

"I'll be fine thanks," I answer. "I think I can make my own way. You two should go and enjoy yourselves."

"But you promise that you will call me if you need me?" E.J. asks. "I will keep my phone on me the entire time. You have to keep me updates with what's going on. I need you to be okay."

I look at him, and again I am overwhelmed by the emotions of wanting to lean over and pull him against me, hugging him so tightly that we could become one, but as always I don't. I avoid the feelings, pulling my hand from his, taking my strength back.

"I promise," I whisper, wishing it was anything else on earth I was promising him, because I have no idea what I will be finding.