Chapter 17

The socks that Cameron gave me doesn't do anything against the wet and the cold. In fact, it almost makes my feet feel colder than what it really is.

The woods around the property isn't that big, but I guess it's big enough to get lost in, in this horrible weather. At least it isn't snowing at the moment, which means I would probably be able to track my footsteps back to the house. On the other side, with how cold it is, I might just die before I even get the chance to head back.

"Why the fuck am I this stupid!?" I shout out into the world.

When my face was still good, when I had a whole and handsome face, I couldn't get one single girl to even kiss me, and now here I was, looking like a bloody horror movie villain, and I am kissing guys all over the place. How does that even work? Should I have been hanging out with gay guys my entire life rather? I always thought they were all about looks, and look at me now. Now that my looks are gone guys seem to be interested. What changed so much?

I shiver in the snow, knowing I should head back, but too afraid of what I will find. E.J. could have had enough, packed his bags and just left. Or he could be in a fight with Cameron at this moment, for some reason fighting over me. I'm not stupid. I have been seeing the way that E.J. behaves. He must be in love with me, no matter what he says. And the problem... I can't say that I'm not in love with him. That's the whole problem. That's where the confusion comes in.

I start heading back through the snow, following my footsteps of earlier, wondering how long I have been out here in the cold. The wetness creeps up my skin, making me shiver even more, not that I think that's even possible.

It feels like forever before I actually see the house through the trees, the lights from the windows welcoming me home, promising warmth and shelter against the cold.

The mug I kicked over is still shattered on the ground. Nobody seemed to have deemed it important to clean up. I walk past it, careful not to step on it with my numb feet that feels like it almost doesn't want to carry my weight any further.

I don't try to be quiet this time when I walk up the stairs, just ignoring the groaning of each step as I make my way up the stairs and down the hallway to the room, where I stop just outside of the door, taking a deep breath and hoping that I won't find an empty room. I'd rather have a fight with E.J. and talk things out than him just running off into nowhere and never seeing him again.

My jaw drops when I open the door softly.

"...and there he was, right there in Hot Topic singing at the top of his lungs," E.J. says with a smile as Cameron, who has taken up my side of the bed laughs to the point where it looks like he is going to split his seams.

"The fuck?" I say, making them both look up at me, their smiles fading as I walk into the room and close the door behind me.

"Oh, hey there handsome. We were just wondering when you'd be making your way back," Cameron says, jumping out of the warm bed. "I'll quickly go and run you a warm bath while the two of you have a chat."

I glare at him, not saying a word, not sure what to say in actual fact. This is one of those moments where you wonder if you got sucked into an alternate reality. I can't deny that there's even a little part of me that's wondering if I died or fell unconscious in the snow outside and that this is all a dream.

"What the hell is going on here?" I ask E.J. when I'm sure that the water is running in the other room and that Cameron can't hear us. "Is this a joke or something?"

"We're just getting to know each other," E.J. answers, pushing his Charmander hoodie back so that I can see his face properly. "Since you ran off without coming to talk to me, Cameron did. I needed someone and you weren't here, but luckily Cameron was."

"So you're not mad at me?" I ask, not understanding at all what is going on.

"Mad about what? Not being here when I had a nightmare? Nope... I mean, it's not your fault if you couldn't sleep," E.J. says. The calmness is his voice makes me anxious. It makes me scared. E.J. doesn't get calm. He freaks out. That's what he does.

"E.J... What the hell is going on?" I ask just as Cameron enters the room again.

"Your bath is ready," Cameron says.

"It can wait," I answer holding up my hand.

"I think everything else can wait. You're soaked to the bone, cold, and you might get sick if you don't warm up immediately," Cameron says again, walking over to me, trying to take the jacket I have on off.

"I can undress myself," I say pulling away from Cameron. I know I am being unreasonable, and that I should just accept the help since I can't feel a damn thing I touch, but at the same time this is way too weird for me. It just doesn't seem right.

I try to get the coat off me, but after struggling for what feels like forever I turn to Cameron to help me, who gets it off in seconds.

"Now, I'm going to have that bath, and when I come back I want to know exactly what the hell is going on here," I say and walk into the bathroom, not waiting for a reply.

As soon as I close the door I pull my pyjamas from my body. I struggle with the socks so I leave them on, they are soaked in any case.

The water burns my skin as I lower myself into the hot water. Every inch of me covered under the water feels like hell. I decide to just do it and get it over with as I plunge myself into the warm water. For the first few milliseconds the hot water feels like acid burning my skin, but then it starts to sooth me, making me feel warm and sleepy, like nothing in the world is wrong.

As the life returns to my fingers and toes I pull the socks of my feet and allow myself not to think of anything except the warmth on my skin. I don't want to think about the conversation with Cameron, and I really don't want to think about the kiss either. I don't want to think about why E.J. is so calm. I just want to disappear into the steam that covers the bathroom so that I almost cannot see the door from where I am.

I can feel myself getting sleepy. My eyelids closing on me, not able to stay open anymore. And I welcome the black abyss that beckons me closer and closer into a sleep that will make everything go away, like nothing ever happened at all.

"Brody! Wake the hell up!"

I know that I am naked. I know that I am wet.

"You can't fucking fall asleep in the tub!" E.J. yells at me as I open my eyes to both Cameron and E.J. standing over me where I am, naked on the bathroom floor.

"I'm okay," I say with what I think might be a sheepish smile, letting my hands feel around to cover up my nakedness, which if I was more awake I would have totally blushed about.

"Do you need help getting dressed?"

The fire is back in E.J.'s eyes. Those eyes that just seem to want to hug and murder a person in the same moment.

"Nah... Should be fine," I say as I get up, looking at the amount of water on the bathroom floor.

"You can be glad I came to check up on you when I did," E.J. says as he storms out of the bathroom.

"And they call me the drama queen," Cameron mentions as he leaves the bathroom as well, but not before he can turn around and wink at me.

I dry myself off as quickly as I can, putting on some warm clothing which includes two hoodies over one another before I draw a deep breath and enter the room to face E.J.

"Can we talk?" I ask, sitting down on the bed. "In private?"

I don't look at Cameron as I say it. It would actually be good manners for him to leave without me even having to ask.

"Okay, I can see when I'm not needed," Cameron says. "And I should maybe call it a night. I don't look this good by not getting any beauty sleep."

I look at him, throwing daggers at him as he says goodnight and leaves the room, leaving me and E.J. all alone in each other's company.

"Cameron likes the same authors I do. You know I don't read that much, but I have this one author I still wanted to share with you, and..."

"And nothing E.J. For fuck sakes," I cut him off, not allowing him to even finish his sentence. "What the hell is going on? Now you're friends with the drag queen?"

"At least I'm not the one kissing every guy how is cute enough to be a girl," E.J. sneers back at me, getting up from the bed, his attempt to tower over me. "At least I'm not walking around pretending to be something I'm not. I thought you were straight?"

"Oh really? Are we going to bring that up? Every guy? You kissed me. And I kissed Cameron. How does that make me the slut that you are trying to make me out to be? And the fuck with the straight thing!" I say, hearing my voice climb as I also get up from the bed. "I ran off into the snow because I thought you were mad at me for kissing someone else because you're in love with me and I wanted to respect that."

"Please Brody! Don't flatter yourself! I'm only here because I pity you! Why don't you go out to the queen and have her throw you a fuck or something, because I am so over your moods! Don't assume you know what I think and feel!" E.J. shouts back, making me nervous that by morning we will need to find other accommodation, even I have just done the same thing in raising my voice.

"So you pity me?" I ask the one thing I have always been afraid off. I wanted people to like me for me. To be with me because of who I am. I never wanted to be pitied.

"Yes Brody. I fucking pity you," E.J. answers as he turns around and walks over to the window, looking out into the snow outside. "But not for what you think I pity you. I don't pity you because of your face. I love your face. It shows what you have been through, and believe it or not, you're still damn ass sexy, but you're fucking personality. It sucks. This thing of where you constantly feel sorry for yourself. Thinking that the whole world ended just because of your face. Dude... I have seen that bucket list. Do you think I don't know what I'm in for when you get to number ten? I pity you for wanting that for yourself, and I resent you for wanting that for me."

I swallow, feeling the tears starting to stream down my cheeks. I didn't know that E.J. felt this way. That I could be pitied for that. I thought I was being brave. That killing myself in the end would have been the best thing I could do, not just for me but for everyone.

"I don't want to be here anymore," I sob, feeling my shoulders shake. "I'm so fucking confused. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I don't feel straight anymore. And I'm not gay either. I don't even think I'm bi. I'm just a freak or something. I just want to be loved again."

E.J. turns around slowly, looking me dead in the eyes.

"You're even more idiotic than what I thought Brody," he whispers as he walks up until he is right in front of me, able to touch my shoulder, bringing his fingers up and touching my scars, placing his hand flat against where the pain was when he met me. "You are loved. You're just not willing to see it because you are selfish."

"Who? Who? Tell me who loves me?" I cry like the pain is ripping from my chest. "You? Cameron? My fucking step-loser who did this to me? Who E.J.?"

I feel his arms go around me, his head resting on my chest, pulling into me, becoming a part of me.

"The love has been put on the table. It's up to you if you're going to actually see it. I can't lead you there Brody. Love isn't something anyone can just give you. You need to want it. You need to notice it. And you need to act on it," E.J. answers.

"But what if I never notice it?" I ask, holding on to E.J. as tightly as I can. "What if I never have the guts to act on it?"

"Then maybe you were right... Maybe then love is supposed to pass you by," E.J. says, letting go of me and making his way to get into bed.