Chapter 10

"Do you want to meet this guy?" I ask taking a sip of my steaming cup of hot chocolate. "I mean, he doesn't seem to have it all together at all at this point in time."

"But he might have answers," E.J. says taking a big gulp of his coffee.

"Is your throat made of steel or something? That coffee is piping hot," I say, watching him almost down the hot coffee and putting up his hand for the waitress to come and fill him up again.

"It's called a bottomless coffee. I plan to get my money's worth," E.J. says with a smile and I can't help but wanting to take his hand. He is being so adorable at this moment. I think if it was me I would have been already crapping myself with all the stress that comes with having to confront someone and ask them questions I can see they don't want to answer.

"You're so brave," I say, this time actually putting my hand on top of his, surprised that he does not pull it away. "I could not have asked for anybody better to come on this trip with me."

"I try..." he answers before his face goes a little white and his eyes dart to something behind me.

I look over my shoulder and there he is. Josh, looking around the coffee shop for a sign of us. I lift up my hand to try and show him where we are sitting. When he sees me and starts moving through tables toward us, I get up from where I was sitting and take the seat right beside E.J. so that Josh can sit on the other side of us. For some reason I just don't trust this man at all.

"I wondered if you would show up," I say as Josh sits down across from us.

"I said I would, and I always keep my word," Josh replies although I wonder about that. He doesn't quite seem like the type of guy that would do anything for the people around him. He's just a bit to muscled and rough to give any kind of impression that he is anything else than a big bully.

"Well thanks for that," E.J. says. "I just really wanted to talk to Kendell actually."

I can feel his anxiety climbing through the roof beside me. This time however I don't take his hand. E.J. is exactly where he wanted to be and if it was me I would have wanted to do this by myself without any help.

"So kid. Ask away," Josh says.

"You knew James?" E.J. asks.

"As well as anybody probably knew him. We all grew up together. Went to school together, but for some reason I never really liked him. He was mean. A bully you might say. He kicked my dog once, which was when I decided I really dislike him," Josh answers.

"So you also knew his parents? How were they as parents?"

Josh almost gets lost in thought for a moment. The harsh lines on his face seems to disappear as he thinks back to the past before he answers.

"Look kid. Do you want to know the whole story? Like in everything? You know... This might surprise you but Kendell used to be normal, but James... He didn't change. He was always a monster."

"I want to know everything. I want to know how he became the monster he was," E.J. says. "I need to know."

"Well kid, the very first question is the one I don't have an answer for. He had no reason to be the way he was. He was just always... off. You know, like he wasn't quite here always. Always had a taste for blood so to speak. Killing insects, kicking animals, that kind of thing. He was just a really mean kid to start off with, which was weird because both his mom and dad were really lovely people. I mean... If they were so terrible both their children would have been fucktup from the get go, but I slept over there many times. I was there more than what I was at my own house and they were great parents. Maybe a little strict and overprotective, but what parent isn't?"

I nod my head, showing him that we are both listening and hoping that E.J. won't interrupt. This might actually be a story we want to hear.

"Now, James is a little bit older than what we were. Kendell and I, I mean. And we were around nine maybe when Kendell became a little bit weird. He didn't want to sit with me at lunch anymore at school and he didn't want me to sleep over at his house either. All in all, he wasn't alone. All of a sudden James went everywhere with him. And strangely the two of them looked like best friends from the outside. But there was something wrong with Kendell. I could see it. A type of sadness in his eyes. I don't know how to explain it, but even though he had a smile plastered on his face, Kendell wasn't happy when he was with James. It's like he was afraid of him. But then again, we were all in our way afraid of him. He was a real bully. Still, I didn't just walk away. I kept on going over to Kendell's house. If he refused to open the door, his mom or dad did and they let me in. I mean, I was like a child in their house, and they were always happy to see me."

Josh stopped talking and look out of the window for a few seconds before looking directly at E.J.

"How far did he go with you? I mean... How far did the rape go?"

His voice sounded bitter, as if what he was saying tasted so bad that he had to spew it out as quickly as possible.

"All the way," E.J. answers without even blinking. "Actually I'm pretty sure what he did would be considered going much further than just all the way."

"You know... The papers never made it clear what actually happened to you. I tried to follow the story, but you were underage. There was no way I could get to you. I did contact your mother not long after it happened, but she said you didn't want to talk about it. I guess that's okay. I wouldn't have wanted to talk about it either. I just felt so guilty... Guilty that I didn't stop him when I had the chance."

I could see the regret on Josh's face. There was something that made him seem older than what he was as he spoke like that. For a moment I actually saw a man who just had too much hurt in his life up to now. Not a person that we should not trust. Only a person who has built walls around himself so that nobody can hurt him ever again.

"It wasn't your fault," E.J. responds. "It's not like you raped me."

"Yes kid. That's what you think now. Wait till you hear the rest of the story and then you decide who you are really mad at, because I think you want someone to blame for it all. And I tell you now, I am the one to blame," Josh says with a sigh, resting his face into his hands, almost as if he can't bare to relive the memories. "You have no idea of what really happened. I know you came to blame Kendell, but he was innocent. He has always been innocent."

"Go on," E.J. urges Josh, his eyes wide, almost like he's scared, like when we watch a horror film, but at the same time he wants to see how it ends. "I came all this way for answers. I'm not leaving before I have them."

"After a few months Kendell did start warming up to me again. But he was never the same. Very quiet. Not the same kid anymore. He didn't want to play anymore. Stayed indoors mostly and read a lot. He did come to every single one of my football games. Off course James was also always there, but I didn't care, because when it came to the time that we turned sixteen I knew there would never be someone in my life again that would mean as much to me as what Kendell did. He was nice, and he really cared about me. I cared about him as well. What he didn't know was that I cared too much. And maybe I did. Maybe if I didn't care at all Kendell would still be normal. Maybe if I didn't say anything none of it would've ever happened."

Josh stops talking and again looks out of the window and onto the busy street. He gulps loudly and I can almost see tears form in his eyes.

"Look kid. This isn't easy for me to talk about," Josh says avoiding both our eyes. "I haven't spoken about this in many, many years. I promised Kendell's mom and dad I would never say anything. That it would always just be our secret. We needed to protect Kendell. Not just from James, but also from himself. We need to protect him, even if that means that I would never be able to have any peace again in my life."

"James is a difficult subject for me as well," E.J. says which makes Josh look him in the eyes again. And I was right. There really is tears in his eyes.

"If you're sure. When I start talking again there will be no turning back. I cannot take back what I say and you can never unknown what you will know then," Josh said, leaning forward on the table a little bit.

"Go on," E.J. says simply as Josh sits back on the chair again and continues to talk.

"I told Kendell I felt more for him than friendship. We were sixteen. James must have been around twenty at the time. I wanted Kendell. I wanted to be with him. But it all backfired. My grandmother always told me that when you tell the truth nothing can ever go wrong. She was dead wrong on that. The moment I told everything went wrong. I mean everything. Kendell started crying uncontrollable and asked me if I was a freak and a paedophile. He told me that he can't have people like me in his life because one was enough. Heartbroken I left, without even questioning who the other person was. I didn't really care. All I knew is that I had never felt so alone, or so judged in my life.

"Naturally I knew that I needed to do something. I needed to make things right. So after about two days of not seeing or hearing from Kendell I went over to his house. I knew his mom was out. All the ladies in the neighbourhood would've been out. Tupperware parties were the rage back then. Everyone went. Men at work. Women sipping cocktails and gossiping while looking at plastic. And we kids... Well, we loved those parties, because it gave us time to do whatever we wanted to do. No parental supervision at all. And that's... Well, that's... I found out that day..."

This time there was no way that Josh could fight back the tears. I remember my mom always telling me that there is nothing more heart-breaking than to see a grown man really cry. I think I am only understanding that now.

"Well. I went over to Kendell's house to say sorry. To take everything back that I had said. I mean... I'd rather be his friend than be nothing at all. But that's when I found them. Him and James. Kendell was on top, sitting over James. Riding him. James was telling him what a whore he was for fucking me as well, even though we had never done anything at all. I could see that Kendell was crying. He was begging James to let him go. Once or twice James thrusted from underneath, making Kendell whimper in pain, but when Kendell tried to get away he pushed him down onto him, hurting him even more. I wanted to run over. I wanted to kill James. But before I could James took out a piece of iron. Some piece of dropper iron or something and he held it up to Kendell and told him that he seemed to have enjoyed being fucked with it the other day, so as punishment he would have to do it again. I went cold all over. I could not stand by any longer, looking through the window into the living room. So I barged into the living room, making James throw Kendell over the room and off him. For a moment I was glad, but Kendell had hit the coffee table with his head – hard. And he was just laying there and whimpering."

This time Josh had to wipe the tears from his eyes as he spoke, and to my surprise so was E.J.

"He did the same to me. The thing with the piece of iron," E.J. says, this time reaching over to take the hand of the crying Josh. "You did the right thing. I would have done anything for someone to have barged in on me and stopped that from happening. But I didn't have anyone."

I didn't know this off E.J. To be honest I don't know much about that part of his life. He didn't talk about it much at all.

"I'm sorry kid. If I had known... Maybe things could have been different for you, but none of us knew here James was. Not until your story hit the papers," Josh says, squeezing E.J.'s hand.

"It's okay... What happened next to Kendell? To you?" E.J. asks, prompting Josh to continue.

"Well I jumped over to Kendell first. I didn't even notice the piece of iron still in James' hand to be honest. I just needed to know he was okay. But before I could make sure he was James yelled behind me. He started shouting the most awful things. Like how I have corrupted his brother. That I have turned him into a fag. That he has always loved his brother and how he would not let anything stand in their way. I can't even remember if I actually yelled anything back, but before I knew it he had lifted the piece of iron. And like a coward I jumped out of the way as it swung down on me. Instead of hitting me with it, Kendell took the blow. Against his head. And there was blood everywhere. And James was screaming and crying all at once. He was holding Kendell tight against him. He was mumbling to him, telling him he was sorry and that he loved him. I thought Kendell was dead. I don't even know how long we were all sitting there. A naked James, holding a naked and bleeding Kendell."

Josh was sobbing at this point and even I could not help my burning eyes and the tears behind them. This was probably the saddest story I have ever heard. To be honest I didn't want to hear any further, but I also know that I needed to know how it ended.

"Kendell and James' mom came home and found the three of us like that. Me just sitting on the ground and crying. James holding Kendell. She didn't say a single word. Not as far as I could remember in any case. She went to the phone and called her husband and then she sat down next to me and waited for him to come. She was so calm and collected. I guess she was just in shock. It was only when Kendell's dad came home that she actually lost it completely and they called an ambulance. James was taken with his mother to their room. I was asked to stay where I was while Kendell's dad got him dressed as best he could and after that helped the ambulance people to put him into the ambulance. Only then did James and his mom and dad reappear and came to sit with me and ask me what happened. I told them everything. Not just what happened that day, but also what I told Kendell two days earlier."

"Everybody was quiet for a while and then Kendell's dad stood up from where he was sitting. He turned to James and told him to get his things and get out of the house within the hour. He never wanted to see or hear from him again. Then he sat down next to me and told me that they were both his sons and that he needed to acts on behalf of both of their wellbeing. He told me that if Kendell survived he would probably never be the same again. He would always need care. He told me because of the iron hitting Kendell just because I was such a coward and couldn't stand my man, it would come down on me. I accepted that. I agreed. I felt the same way. He told me I was never allowed to get married or be with anybody else as long as Kendell was alive and that I had to promise to always take care of him. I agreed on this as well. When James finally came back into the room, two suitcases packed, his dad walked over to the wall safe and took out a stack of cash and gave it to him. He again told him that he never wanted to hear from him again. James walked out and that was the last I ever saw of him. As for Kendell. The official story was that he fell against the side of the wall outside. I carried him in. His parents called an ambulance. That was it. I became Kendell's caregiver, and his parents left him enough money when his dad died so that I can still look after him for a very long time. I don't regret that. I love him. And after all... It was all my fault."

Josh pulls his hand from E.J.'s and wipes away his tears once more.

"There you have it. The whole story," Josh says, sniffing and wiping more tears away.

"None of that was your fault. You did what you thought was right," E.J. says after a few seconds of silence.

"No kid. It was my fault. What happened to you at least. I should have told the truth. If not then, at least when we were a bit older. It could have saved you," Josh replies.

"No Josh. It really wasn't your fault. Please know that," E.J. says although I do feel like I want to agree with Josh. He knew that James was out there. That he could do it again. But I keep quiet about this. This is E.J.'s fight. Not mine.

"Well kid. Then I guess this is goodbye," Josh says as he stands up from the table as if he didn't just tell us one of the most gruesome stories I have ever heard. "And now that you know. Please leave me and Kendell alone."

Hard as he was the moment he sat down, just as he was the moment we met. All tears gone, only a bit of puffiness to give him away. I can't help but allow my mouth to fall open, looking at how quickly he changed in awe.

"One last thing," E.J. interrupts Josh. "You said James' dad died. What about his mom?"

"Somewhere in Jersey. A nursing home. Forgive me but I don't really care to stay in touch with her anymore. She reminds me of some dark parts of my past," Josh answers. "I did think you would ask so I wrote down her address. Not that I think it would do any good going to ask her what happened. She's got dementia. No good to anyone now."

"Thank you," E.J. says as he takes the piece of paper Josh holds out to him. "I really do appreciate this."

"Yes. Goodbye now kid. Hope life treats you better than what James did. I hope he didn't fuck you up too much," he says holding out his hand first to me to shake and then to E.J.

"Same," E.J. replies while I just nod my head.

Before Josh turns around and walks away he turns to me. "You make me think of myself when I was your age. Don't be such a coward. Show this one here you love him before he moves on."

Before I even get to reply Josh turns around and walks out of the coffee shop, disappearing between the sea of people and the winter weather still raging outside.