Chapter 8

"I can't get over how cute you're looking in that onesie," I tell E.J. after the third time he has made some Charmander sounds while sporting his orange onesie.

"Aren't you supposed to be straight?" he asks with a giggle as he falls down on the bed next to me. My mom always used to say when I was little that the weather went into me when it was raining and that I got hyperactive. I guess the same applies for E.J.

"Yeah... But you're like a puppy and show me the straight or gay guy who is immune to the charm of a puppy," I answer trying my best not to think about the fact that I would probably pick him above any puppy I could get right now.

"You saying I'm a puppy?" E.J. says and he gives a small little bark or two demonstrating that he can really be a puppy.

It's times like this where I can't understand why he ever went through everything he went through. When I look at E.J. I want to protect him with everything in me. Keep this innocence that he still has at heart safe for as long as possible. I can't even comprehend someone wanting to hurt him, let alone rape him.

I don't answer him, checking the time on my phone to see when the pizza we ordered will finally be here. We have been waiting almost 20 minutes. I barely notice E.J. coming closer, giving another one of his barks in my ear and then licking my cheek like a dog would. That was enough to snap me out of my thoughts.

"Come here!" I shout, pouncing on him and pushing him into the bed while he laughs so hard that I'm scared he's going to stop breathing.

"What are you going to do?" he wheezes, and although I have no idea what I was going to do I know what I want to do at this moment. Him, just laying beneath me, not trying to get away, which in itself is a win for him that he's not even taking note of, makes me want to do something I have never wanted to actually do before. I want to stroke his face. I want to kiss him.

I breathe deeply, my smile long gone from my face, looking him in the eyes, and then before I can have second thoughts I bring my hand up and cradle his face, making him stop smiling, and turning his face against my hand. Almost nuzzling against it.

"E.J..." I whisper.

"Yeah?"

"I want to kiss you," I say softly, still caressing his face. I need to make sure he would be okay with this. After what he has been through I cannot break his trust in me. I can never do that.

"Mmm," he answers, lifting himself up a little bit. His lips so close to mine that I can feel his breath.

Just as I am about to lean in and cross the last inch between our lips the knock on the door shakes through me, giving me the biggest fright of my life, which is saying something.

E.J. immediately pushes me back so hard that I almost fall of the bed. When I regain my balance he is sitting at the top of the bed on the pillows and staring out of the window at the rain still coming down outside.

The moment is broken and I am pretty sure that moments like these don't just appear every single day. Maybe it's a good thing that we didn't kiss. The last thing I want to do is toy with E.J.'s feelings if I am still planning to go through with my entire bucket list which is the most important things to me at this moment. There is number nine which would entail me having sex, something I could never expect E.J. to do again in his life. And then off course, the worst out of all of them is number ten. Ending it all. I wouldn't want E.J. to lose someone he might think he truly loves to suicide, and at the same time I would not want him to be in love with me while I stay alive. He deserves someone with an intact face at the very least. He deserves better than me.

"Yeah?" I say as I open the door to the pizza delivery guy standing in front of the door.

I barely greet him or give him time to talk as I shove a twenty in his hand.

"Keep the change," I say, turning around and closing the door before he can even have a chance to say thanks. The last thing I feel like doing is small talk, and besides that I have already seen him staring at my face since I don't have my mask on.

"Dinner's here," I say to E.J. even though it is obvious since I am standing with the pizza in my hands. "Wanna put up a movie for us to watch?"

He doesn't answer as he turns on the TV and start searching through Netflix for something to watch. He gives a few titles, but I barely notice and just wave my hand indicating that he can put on whatever he feels like watching.

Be both climb in underneath the covers as the movie starts playing, the two pizza boxes open at our feet, but where E.J. is usually close to me you can fit another two people between us now. There is a gap the size of the Grand Canyon between us, not just physically, but also emotionally and I have no idea how to or whether I should try and reach his side.

After half the movie and half the pizza being gone I look over to E.J. to find him playing with the sleeves of his onesie. Pulling his arms in to cover his hands, and then pushing them out. Almost like a nervous twitch of some sort.

"E.J... Can I say something?" I ask, scared to open my mouth but being even more scared of not saying anything at all and allowing the gap between us to become even bigger.

"Hmm," he makes a noise, still keeping his eyes glued on the movie which I still don't know what it is about.

"What happened earlier... Maybe we should talk about it?" I say, turning my body towards him so that he can maybe also turn and look me in the eyes. This might have been triggering for him, but I wish he could see how confused I am inside. I have never thought another dude cute, let alone wanted to kiss him.

"Talk about what?" he answers, still keeping his eyes fixed on the screen. He is still pulling his arms into his sleeves and pushing them out. He does it a little faster now, like in some alternative universe it will take him out of his situation.

"I'm sorry... I should not have said what I said. Okay? It's just... I don't know. I got confused," I say, trying my best to explain in words what I am feeling, but also knowing that I am failing horribly at it. "I didn't want to kiss you... It was just... I really didn't want to do it..."

At the moment I say the word 'kiss' it seems like it pulls E.J. out of his slump and he turns to look me straight in the eyes.

"I wanted to kiss you before you even said you wanted to kiss me," E.J. says. "But I can't Brody... You will get hurt. I will get hurt. Everyone I love usually gets hurt, and I know you don't want to hear this but sometimes I do which my face looked like yours, even if it was just that guys would stay away from me and not find me interesting or cute or anything."

His words make the anger bubble up in me again. It seems to be E.J's thing to piss me off by saying he wants to have my face when he doesn't have any idea what it's like to be me, but I push the anger down into the pit of my stomach and try to ignore it while also trying to understand where he is coming from.

"You don't want my face, okay?" I say, making no comment on the fact that he wanted to kiss me as well. I can't actually understand that at all. If there was a guy or a girl that wanted to kiss me with this face I would have probably barfed before they even had enough of a chance to get close enough for me to kiss.

"One half of your face is beautiful," E.J. says. "And the other half may look a bit weird but all I see when I look at you is how brave you've been. I don't see ugly. I see it as a reminder that you have seen life, just like I have. We haven't had it easy."

With that I didn't know what to say. I have always said those things to myself about my face, but rarely if ever believed them. E.J. has never seen my face and what it looked like before the acid fucked it up, but I remember. When he looks at me he sees me exactly the way he met me. When I look at myself, all I can see is the part that isn't there anymore and will probably never be there again.

"I had the opportunity to have it fixed. My mom left me enough money," I whisper, looking down. Somehow I feel ashamed of my face, the fact that it's still there.

"Then... Why didn't you?" E.J. asks. "I would do anything to take away what has been done to me. You might actually have the chance."

"I couldn't..."

I stand up and walk over to mu duffle bag, searching around inside until I feel the piece of paper. When I sit down on the bed again I put the paper down between me and E.J. so that we can both read it.

MY BUCKET LIST

1. Love someone

2. Kiss in the rain

3. Sleep in a field

4. Go on a road trip

5. Stand on the edge of the world, looking at everything at once

6. Have my fortune read and then tell the person they were dead wrong

7. Adopt a dog

8. Eat caviar

9. Have sex

10. The end

I read the words over and over again, knowing that E.J. has probably read it all but is thinking of how he wants to answer.

"You've never kissed someone?" he asks after a while.

"Nope. Never had the chance. Wanted to wait for someone special I guess," I answer, wondering why on earth I did wait this long. Other guys probably had their first kiss at thirteen already.

"I didn't know you were a virgin. I just guessed... With your looks and body..." E.J. ponders.

"Never had the opportunity. Guess my mom really did a number on me all the times she told me it needs to be special," I answer and I know it's true.

"You crossed out the first one," E.J. says doing his infamous frown of questioning.

"Yeah..."

"Who?"

"You," I answer, watching his facial expression intently, but the frown doesn't disappear. There's nothing to give away what he is thinking so I add; "I haven't actually loved anyone after my mom died. Nobody actually understood me. Until now."

"Come with me," E.J. says as he stands up and walk over to the glass window and the glass door that walks out onto a little balcony.

He draws the curtains away from the door and open it, letting the cold air and droplets of icy rain in as he steps outside. I hesitate to follow him, but seeing him out in the rain makes my legs move on their own as if I don't have a choice but to go where I can keep E.J. safe and warm.

"Now... Close your eyes," E.J. says as he takes both his hands in mine as the rain keeps on falling on us. "Don't open them, okay?"

"Okay," I answer, closing my eyes against the rain, feeling the chills run through my body.

His hands feel warm in mine, but it is only when his lips meet mine that an electric feeling of warmth shoots through my entire body, making me feel dizzy and hyperactive all at the same time. I part my lips, allowing E.J's tongue access in a way nobody has ever had access to me. It feels so intimate that the feeling of love inside me feels like it wants to explode completely. I loosen my hands from his so that I can touch his cheeks, and allow my fingers to creep in underneath the hood of his onesie so I can feel his hair in the back of his neck.

For a moment I ignore what he told me and I open my eyes, only to see that his is open as well, our faces moving in union, our lips finding one another, a feeling of becoming one.

I break away for a moment and move my lips only an inch away from his.

"I really did mean it... I do actually love you E.J." I say, looking into his eyes, willing him to know that everything I am saying is real. "I think I might even be falling in love with you as well."

"I think we might need a shower and a bath to warm up again," E.J. says with a shy smile, never repeating the words straight from my heart that I gave to him.