55: Riley

The bell rings shortly after my talk with Megan and before going our seperate way we hug. Megan has become such an important person in such a short time frame. I don't know how I would have made big choices in my life without her. She's like a voice of reason who helps me figure out my problems. If you were to judge her based on her appearance then you would never guess that she's such a smart, mature and philosophical person. I've learned so much from her and I think I will continue to in the future.

I walk to my next class and sit down at my usual seat. I try to pay attention to the lecture, but I can't. Instead I'm so focused on what Megsn said earlier. I shouldn't be afraid of love, I should embrace it. That sounds easier than it actually is. If I were straight and in love with a guy, I wouldnt6be questioned. However, since I'm in love with a girl, it's something else entirely. People will judge and be disgusted without even knowing me. They would call my names, say I'm going to hell or that they are disgusted because of religion. I know I shouldn't care what people say, but what if they do something. What if I end up like my brother? I don't know if I'm as strong as him to go through the things he did.

But shouldn't love be enough? Shouldn't my love with Quinn overpower everything else? I should feel on top of the world because I love her, but I don't. I feel like I'm being swallowed up by all these emotions. I'm so scared. I love her, but I'm scared of the repercussions.

More than anything I want to tell Quinn how I feel. I want to be with her. I want to hold her hand and kiss her anytime I feel like doing it. I want to tell her that she means the world to me and that I'm the luckiest person in the world. But doing all this, could mark me. It could put a target on me. I don't know what to do. I feel so trapped.

The bell rings and ot snaps my out of my thoughts. I pack up my things and head to my last class of the day. I try to pay attention again and actually do a fair job this time. I do my best to push my thought about Quinn and Mwgan out of my mind. Before I dwell on all that, I need to keep up in school.

I've been slipping in classes and I need to do better. School is the only thing I was good at and now it seems like a distant memory. If I want to go to UC Davis, I need to keep up my grades. Maybe college will be different. Maybe there I can be more of myself. My parents used to tell me how college opened their eyes to so many things, that it helped make them who they are today. I hope it's a better place than high school.

So, this class ends and I head out feeling pretty good. I got a lot of notes made even though I wasn't at my best today. I make my way to the field and get there before a lot of the football and cheer team do. So, I walk up the bleachers and find a spot to sit down. I attempt to do my homework, but it's tough, I really need to start studying more.

"Some things never change do they," someone comments from my left. I look up and smile at Mason. "I'm surprised you're here instead of the library though. It's getting a bit chilly out."

"You're right, I guess it's just habit for me. It just feels right to be here. I feel normal here," I respond.

Mason sits down next to me and asks, "have you not been feeling normal lately?"

"No," I whisper. "Things have been different and it's hard to adapt."

"I understand. A lot has changed in such a short time period, but I think it's for the best," he comments.

"I know, but the change makes me feel so alone."

"You've never been alone, Riley. I thinks the problem you have, you're surrounded by people who love you. Your parents, Quinn, and me. I'm always here for you, remember we are still friends," he assures. "You can tell me anything, I'll always hear you out."

I thank him, but turn to face the field and watch as more people show up. I choose to stay quiet even though I have so much going on in my mind. Mason, is the one person I want to tell everything to just as I always used to do before. However, I'm afraid that I'll hurt him if I tell him I'm in love with Quinn. I know that Mason and I aren't in love with each other, but I'm scared he'll be shocked and feel betrayed if I tell him I had feelings for Quinn this whole time.

"You know most of girls on the cheer team have a crush on you," I blurt out.

"So...?

"Well, you did mention that now was our time to branch out and meet new people or try new things," I explain.

"That's true, I did say that. However, I don't know, I just don't want to date any of them," he answers.

"Why not?"

He gives me a skeptic look and sighs before replying with, "I'm just not ready. I want to be me before getting into a relationship. Plus, what's the point if we leave in a couple of months anyway."

He's not wrong. Getting into a relationship now would be complicated for him. Also for me though. Won't that make things hard for Quinn and I?

"Why so nosey all of a sudden?" Mason teases.

"I don't know. I'm just confused," I add.

"About what?" He asks.

"Everything." My response makes him lean back and sigh.

"Who isn't confused nowadays. Life is complicated."

"It's easier for you though," I blurt out. Mason sits up staright and looks at me questioningly.

"What's up with you? Why are you being so cynical about things?" He asks while poking my cheeks like how he used to do when we were younger.

"Life's just hard and I feel like everyone is moving on without me. I don't want to get left behind."

"Riley, part of life is moving on. Some people stay and others don't. It's okay. I'm always going to be a text or phone call away and so is Quinn and your family."

Mason is right, it's normal and okay to move on. However I don't know how to do it. I've never been able to do it, since Raf died, I never figured it out. I'm stuck here with all my emotions and fears.

"I forgot to mention, Joshua asks about Quinn a lot. He wants to know what went wrong," Mason says trying to change topics.

"Fuck Joshua, he sucks," I blurt out by accident. He's the last person I want to think about.

Mason grabs my shoulder and pulls me to him so that he can look at my face. "Is that what's up? Do you like him? Are you upset that he was and sorta is still after your friend instead of you?"

"God no, I don't like him and neither does Quinn. He's nice, but sort of stupid," I respons dryly.

Mason chuckles and then starts to smirk. "It's okay to be jealous. It's also okay if you like him. I don't mind, it  doesn't bother me."

"First of all, I don't like him. Second of all, you're fine with me being with someone else?"

Mason sighs and takes his time before answering, "It's weird thinking about you with someone else, but I need to learn to live with it. I want you to be happy and if going on dates with guys now helps, then so be it. They better be good guys though, if they hurt you I'll beat the shit out of them."

We laugh and stare at the field again. There are so many people there now. Mason's coach will be there any minute. I turn to look at Mason and he looks back at me. I try to open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. He motions for me to spit it out, but I can't.

"Mason, get your ass down here," yells his coach. Now everyone is staring at us and I feel so small again. I don't want anyone paying attention, I don't want anyone looking at me.

"It's okay, you can tell me later," he says before getting up to jog down to the field. I sigh and slump down on my seat. Things never really work out in my favor.

I glance across the field and notice that Quinn is looking at me. She looks concerned for a second and looks away to train with her team. She's probably so confused about what happened. She knows that Mason and I are friends, but that doesn't mean she can't be a little jealous. I know how hard it was in the beginning for her to see Mason and I always together. So I don't blame her if she still isn't used to Mason and I just being friends. I'll need to assure that everything is okay later. Then I also need to yell Mason the truth.

He's my best friend. I can't hide that I like girls to him. But if he starts asking questions about my relationship with Quinn the truth might come out. I'm backed in a corner. There are way too many problems going on at once for me to handle.

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Author note: Things are really starting to pick up now in the story. I hope you are all enjoying it.

Also, I'm going to do a Q and A for a YouTube video. If you guys have any questions about me, my personal life (school, friends, career) or ect. Make sure to comment them here. The more questions I get the better and longer the video!