31: Riley

I wanted to kiss Quinn so badly. Fuck. I don't know what to do. I'm in a shitty situation. I'm stuck between two people and I don't know what the right choice is.

All I know is that I can't cheat. I can't do that to Mason. I'm not that type of person. I love and respect Mason too much to do that behind his back.

Once I wake up in the morning, I look over and notice that Quinn is still sleeping, but she has her arm tightly around my waist. Normally I would love this, but I feel gross.

I feel like I'm betraying Mason and now I have this sick feeling. I reach over for my phone and see that I have so many calls and texts from Mason, but since I had my phone on silent I didn't notice until now. Oh no, I really fucked up now.

I softly remove Quinn's hand from around me and sneak out of my room so that I can go downstairs. I'm scared to talk to Mason, but I know I have to talk to him.

I sit on the couch and hesitate for a bit. I look down and relaize I'm shaking so much. I put my phone and down and lay my head in my hands. I feel awful. I've got this gut wrenching feelings and I'm so scared. I don't want Mason to be upset with me, he's the only person I have in this world. I don't want to lose him, I'll do anything for him. He's the only person I trust and who I know would always protect me.

"Hey, honey, where you up so early?" My dad asks as he sits down next to me. "What's wrong, Riley?"

I look up at him and he looks at me with such concern as a few tears roll down my cheeks. My dad quickly pulls me closer for a tight hug and he tries to comfort me by rubbing my back as I cry into his shoulder.

"What's wrong, R? You know you can trust me. I'm always here," he reassures.

"I don't know what's happening. Everything is moving too fast. I'm scared. I'm so scared," I murmur out to him. He just hugs me tighter and let's me cry it out for a few more minutes before speaking up.

" Take a deep breath, okay. When everything feels like it's going to shit or when you feel lost, just stop and take a breath. You are in control of your life, you need to remind yourself that everything will be okay. And if you don't believe it at first, keep telling yourself it until you calm down. Then you can find a way to fix things," he advises. I take a few deep and long breaths and after a while I stop crying.

My dad gives me a small smile and bops my nose, "there's my strong girl. Now tell me what happened or who hurt you so I can help."

"No one hurt me dad. I'm just confused about life. And about Mason I guess," I reply.

"Dis that boy do anything to you?" He asks.

"No. He's good. He a good person, it's me. I'm the person that has the problem," I start explaining, but I stop because I don't know how to put everything into words.

"You know that we like Mason, but we love you. You're my daughter and I will always pick you first. If something is going on between you and Mason, it's okay to take a break. You become before your relationships, Riley. You need to put yourself first," he suggests.

"But what if I'm wrong in taking a break? What if I lose Mason?"

"That boy loves you. He will love you no matter what. He'll understand. He was your best friend first, you know, he'll understand that you need time."

"What if I don't know what I want? Or if I still don't know what I want or who I am after the break? Is there something wrong with me?" I ask.

"Well, I don't really understand what you're referring too, but it's okay. Sometimes it take us years or decades to find ourselves. Everyone is different, Riley. So, there is nothing wrong with you."

We both look away from each and just stare in opposite directions as I try to figure out what to say, but nothing comes out. Instead, my dad adds, "Don't be afraid Riley. I won't let anything happen to you. I promise. You're the only kid I have left, I won't mess things up again."

I look at me dad and notice that he is tearing up now. I realize that he never really got much of a chance to talk about these sorts of things with my brother before he died. My dad missed out on so much by losing my brother. So, I scoot closer and hug him this time.

"You didn't mess up with Raf, you were the best dad to us. Raf knew that, he loved you so much. He wouldn't want you to beat yourself up so harshly. Raf would never blame you for anything."

My dad and I sit in silence for a few minutes and I can't help but feel numb. I know how much my parents are still hurting with the death of my brother. Hell, even I am still hurting and I was so young when Raf died. I wish I could ask him so many question. I wish I could hold my brother and tell him how much I love and miss him.

Sometimes people never know just how important their sibling is to them until they are gone. All those happy memories are the only things you will have left of them. I still cherish every memory, even the bad ones where we would fight and get annoyed at each other. I cling onto those because I know thaf regardless of how angry we were with each other we still loved one another so much.

"I miss him, dad," I blurt out.

"I know, Riley. I do too," my dad replies. "He would have been one hell of an amazing adult."

"Yeah. He would be a great person. He would have changed the world. I just know it," I add.

"Yeah, you're right. He was always so courageous and had the biggest heart," my dad says. "We should all strive to be a bit like how Raf was. Outspoken, brave, unique and loving."

My dad is right, I need to be more like my brother. I need to have the courage to speak up for myself. I have to tell Mason how I feel. I need to tell him that I don't appreciate what he did last night and that I can't go to the same school.

I don't want to live in Mason's shadow and regret my life because I never did what I wanted. I don't want to go to UCLA, I want to go to UC Davis. I want to be a zoologist.

For once in my life I need to put myself first. Maybe I'm not ready to break up with Mason, but I am ready to tell him how I feel about certain things. Baby steps. Baby steps are important. Little by little I'll find my way in life and find out who I am.

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Author note: This chapter was hard to write to be honest, it was emotional to me and I've never lost anyone close to me. I can't imagine what it's like for someone who has.