Love and War: Part One – Chapter 30

I park my old Beetle in Kaston’s driveway, preparing myself. I’ve been working myself up about this all week. It’s not that easy to get away from Kross. The lack of space is probably why I’m in this pickle in the first place. You can’t keep secrets from him without it going unnoticed, so as much as I didn’t want to, I had to outright lie.

I’m supposed to be helping Lux study. I’m still not sure he believed it. Cook, study, be here. What the hell is the difference? The way he looked at me as he sipped his death coffee gave me the hint that he just went along with it because I was trying so damn hard.

I glance out the window at them. Lux is tangled in white Christmas lights and Kaston is on a ladder propped against the house, tugging at her for slack with a staple gun in his opposite hand, attaching the strands along the edging of the roofline. They look awfully domesticated for someone of his classification. I’ve tried to block out what Kaston does in my mind, because Lux seems very much okay with it, but it’s still hard to digest.

Kaston glances my way, and seconds later, Lux turns around. She waves me over, her arms the center of a mess of tangles.

I grab the pharmacy bag and get out, slamming the door behind me. It’s cool today, the air chilled enough for a long sleeve and light jacket. We can thank the cold front coming through. And for once, it actually feels like the start of winter instead of December disguised as July, like it was a mere three days ago. Damn bipolar weather.

My feet crunch against the fallen brown leaves as I make my way toward them. “What’s up, Delta? It’s been a minute,” Kaston says, just before the staple gun goes off again. He climbs down to move the ladder, his reach extended.

“Yeah, Kross keeps me busy.”

He repositions the ladder where he wants it, a smirk on his face. “Figured as much.”

I glance down the house, over half of it already done. “This is very . . . normal of you, Lux. Are you into the whole Christmas tree and candy baking thing now? Because if I remember correctly, you make fun of my little tree every year.”

I smile, unable to stop myself. She narrows her eyes at me, before her shoulders fall in the dramatic Lux fashion. Her hair and loose shirt tail blows as the breeze picks up, her perfume mixing with the air. “Do I look like a festive bitch? This was not my idea. I’m just here for moral support, because, well, he puts a roof over my head.” She rolls her eyes. “Although, the baking I might consider. But I draw the line at Christmas music. It makes me want to gouge my eyes out.”

Kaston stomps up the ladder again in his jeans and flannel shirt, boots making noise against the metal. “I guarantee by next year you’ll love Christmas music. Just wait. I’ve already started Christmas shopping,” he retorts. “You know you love gifts.”

I stare at him in awe. The way he looks at her, there is no doubt he’s completely in love with her, and I love him a little more for it. All I can hope is that one-day I have someone that loves me like that. “Um, babe, do you really need me? I think I need some Delta time. I promise I’ll be your Christmas tree slave later.”

“Get out of here,” he says, no irritation in his tone. He turns back toward the ladder, grabbing the strand of lights that’s hanging and runs it along the wood so that he can continue outlining the house.

Lux loops her arm in mine and tows me toward the house until the door is shut and I’m gaping at the house as big or bigger than Kross’s.

Touches of Lux all over the house are obvious, but it’s massive and beautiful, the staircase a sight in itself. It’s definitely no bachelor pad. What the hell does it mean when criminals make this much money?

“Delta.” I turn around at the calling of my name. “As glad as I am that you’re here, what’s wrong? You’ve never come all the way out here before. You always want to meet in the city when we hang out.

“I think I’m pregnant.” As if my tears were waiting for me to admit it aloud, they fall, and once they do, the floodgates follow.

I slump against the bathroom wall, staring at the closed door, my head spinning from the Déjà vu. Memories start assaulting me. I breathe deeply. In. Out. In. Out. Just like Kaston taught me. “Pull yourself together. She needs a friend.”

The toilet flushes and the door opens, making it easier. She walks out, shutting the door behind her, her back mirroring mine against the door. “It’s done.”

“What did it say?”

“I don’t know yet. It said it takes a minute or so. I’m scared to look.” Her voice cracks. “I’m sorry, Lux. I didn’t know who else to turn to.”

My brows furrow. “Why are you sorry? I’d be pissed if you didn’t come to me. You’re my best friend, my soul sister.”

“You know, because of . . .”

“Sophie?” I breathe out. “It’s okay. It’s easier to deal with saying her name than to try and avoid it. She should be remembered. I’m good.”

“Are you, though? We never talk about her.”

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

I shove the memories back. “Delta, we both knew at some point—maybe not this soon, but at some point—in life this would happen. You can’t tiptoe around my issues. I know for years it controlled your decisions. You’re the most loyal friend a girl could have, but you’re finally living freely, irresponsibly, and erratically in love. I haven’t seen you this happy ever. God knows all of us need that phase a time or two. Some days I’m not so good, but today I’m okay. Right now, you need me. Let’s face this together.”

I can tell she’s not telling me what’s going on in her head. Delta has always held everything in, but she wears her emotions on her face. She hides behind a thin armor. “How long have you suspected it?”

“Since right after Thanksgiving. We were together that night. He kept saying I was different, repeatedly.” She breathes out. “Kross is very different from any guy I’ve ever known. He’s observant. He picks up on everything and doesn’t miss a single detail. I love that about him and I also hate it. I think some of it is his way of understanding change.”

Her eyes well up. “You and he have similar backgrounds, ya know. At least from the stuff I know. It feels wrong to tell you without him knowing, so I’m just going to leave it at that. I’m still earning his trust. That night my skin looked ‘healthier’ I suppose, and my boobs were magically the only things bigger on my body. My nipples were sore. Having recently had them pierced I just attributed it to swelling and part of the process. But then he acted like it was completely crazy after that amount of time to assume it should still be painful. I wrote it off to being time for my period. You know I’ve always been irregular, unlike you. There was no real way to calculate it. But then a few mornings later he was brewing his coffee and a wave of nausea hit. I’ve been watching ever since. I’ve never had premenstrual symptoms longer than a week. I’ve got the bloating without the blood. Still, there is no period, but the symptoms haven’t left. Yesterday, my banana nut muffin sent me to the toilet in a run. Either my mind is powerful or I’m pregnant.”

“Did your birth control fail?”

Guilt is all over her face. “You remember when I told you I stopped having sex?”

“Yes.”

“I also stopped taking my pills. It was a useless expense at the time. I cut it. I didn’t think they were necessary, so I just kept Plan B stocked. The problem with that method is that when you start popping them like candy because you’re in a relationship you start forgetting that you didn’t take them here and there until there aren’t any left because you can’t find time to get away.”

Something doesn’t add up. “Was he wearing condoms or is he like Kaston and suddenly they don’t exist?”

“He never wore one and never pulled out. Save the speech. It was stupid of me, I know, and this has never been an issue prior to him, but you don’t know Kross like I do. He gets what he wants and I wasn’t really against it for some ungodly reason.”

“Did you at least discuss the fact that you weren’t on birth control? Or what about STDs?”

“No,” she cries out, tears rapidly falling. “He’s going to be pissed at me. I was going to get more pills and forgot when he unexpectedly took me to Chicago. Fuck, Lux. What am I going to do?”

My brows rise up toward my hairline, surprise settling in. I walk forward, grabbing the door handle. “Well, for starters, let’s just get it over with before we get in over our heads and it be negative. You or me?”

She moves to the side. “You. I don’t think I can.”

I walk in and grab the stick off the back of the toilet, my eyes veering down at it. “Pregnant: 3+ weeks. Definitely pregnant,” I say, bumping into a chest that is definitely not Delta’s.

I glance up to a man who looks entirely too happy for someone hanging Christmas lights. I remember the pregnancy test is in my hand. I shove it behind my back. “You’re pregnant?” he asks, with a big-ass grin on his face.

My face contorts into a mortified expression. “Boy, I’m fixed. Get out of here with that.”

His smile falls more than I wish I had noticed. He glances at Delta leaned against the wall, hands behind her back. She has those puppy dog eyes, sad and pleading. “Please don’t tell Kross.”

“Oh, fuck.”

I slap him on the back of the shoulder when she starts crying again, cutting my eyes at him. “Not helping. Out.”

He holds up his hands. “Fine. I know when I’m not wanted.” He stops in front of her on his way through the door. “In all seriousness, though, don’t take his first reaction seriously.” He winces a little. “Eh, I’ve known Kross for a lot longer than it seems. He’s going to have to come around. But there’s something about you. Always has been.” Then he rubs her shoulder in a brotherly way and leaves, taking a little more of my heart as he goes.

Damn him.

“What do we do now?” she asks.

“Now, we need to call a doctor.”

“I can’t afford a doctor, Lux. Why don’t we go find a free clinic.”

She passes me the clipboard and pen from the receptionist. “You’re not going to a fucking free clinic, Delta. I got a doctor to work you in. You’re going to see him and I’m going to pay. You’re going to let me and not say a damn word. We can try to get you on that government insurance later if you’re that hellbent on doing it on your own. We’ll figure out the details when all this is done.”

I grab it and sit in the closest chair, dropping my purse beside me, before hurrying through each line of the questionnaire with messy handwriting. Lux takes it as I finish and walks back to the check-in, handing it to the receptionist.

I glance around, trying to pretend I didn’t see her pull out a credit card, round bellies everywhere. A couple exits through the door from the exam room area, smiles on their faces as they look at the strip of ultrasound photos, pointing at various places.

You’re never going to have that.

Lux sits back down beside me, dropping her purse on her lap. “What if he breaks it off? He’s not Kaston, Lux. I saw the way he looked when he thought it was you. He was happy. That’s not going to be the ending for me. I can feel it. Then what am I going to do?”

She turns, taking my hand. “I think you’ve always been hard on yourself, because of your mom. You don’t really think that other people can love you in spite of everything. Kross may not seem like the type of guy that can fall in love, but I have this feeling you’ll be surprised, even if it takes a while. The two of you are intense in the same room. It’s hard to explain, really. Like a high voltage electrical current swarming around the two of you. It’s a little weighted and uncomfortable for the rest of us. I don’t think either of you realize it. But if I’m wrong and he turns out to be a douche bag that can nut in you and not man up, then we’ll do this together . . . again. Kaston has a small guesthouse in the back that isn’t being used.”

“I couldn’t intrude on your happiness, Lux. It isn’t in me.”

“Why do you have this warped idea that because I’m with Kaston I can’t have you? You’re my family, Delta, and a person can’t be truly happy without all their family, as in the whole thing, not just part. That means you’re also Kaston’s family. We’ve talked. You’re not an intrusion, and you never will be.”

“I don’t know that I can be a mother. I can barely take care of myself.”

“You can if you want to be. I’m certain you’ll do it better than the one you call mom. Just because we had a shitty mother doesn’t mean we have to be one.”

“You really would have been a great mother. I remember how peaceful she looked in your arms that day.”

Lux squeezes my hand. Her eyes give off the slightest glare, as if she’s working to keep her tears at bay. I wish she’d talk about her. Just once, I wish she would let it all out so that she can cleanse her soul instead of keeping it all bottled up.

She takes a deep breath, as if giving up. “She would have had a hard life. A baby can’t raise another baby. She was too perfect and good to be raised up with a drug dealer as a father. Everything I do is for her. To better myself. To prove to her that she didn’t die in vain.”

She swipes a tear under her eye. “I dream about her sometimes. She’s up there dancing on clouds with a woman I don’t recognize in a little white dress, her dirty-blonde hair bouncing on her shoulders with a halo made of wildflowers. She has the sweetest laugh and my blue eyes. She’s happy. And she’s my only. That’s how I make peace with it.”

My lips are trembling. “Lux . . .” I whisper.

“Delta Rohr.”

Lux slides her mask back into place and stands as the girl in scrubs waits for us at the door. “We have to do this. The fire is too hot to pull someone else into this Hell. One of us needs to fight to keep it, and mine gained her wings long before my heart was ready.”