(60) Resolution

"So I guess I'll just...start." Makennah sighed from the place deep in her chest that ached when she laid down to sleep at night and the weight of the her world's problems shifted to the forefront of her mind. "I always thought that I'd turn eighteen and just embrace the world myself...move out, get my own place, get a job and work hard to make something of myself. I didn't think I would be anything special but I knew that I would be something better than my mom. Eighteen was my freedom pass. Soon as I passed that mark, even though I'd still be in high school, I would be free. I didn't know if I'd be with my mom or with a foster family. It didn't matter because I just...I never cared about anyone before. I didn't care about people or foster families enough to ever want to stay or make connections. I don't think it was selfish. Just...survival." Makennah curled her legs under her body and relived the many months she suppressed the hatred for her mother and her situation just so that she could survive.

"When my social worker dropped me off at the Sinclairs, I didn't think I hit the jack pot. Even though I knew my life would be a whole lot easier because obviously they had money, I still just wanted to get in and get out. A year tops. Another year closer to eighteen. Carolynn was...nice. Endearing. Caring. Everything that most foster moms aren't. Then I met their sons and they were nice and funny. They didn't treat me...like a basket case." She laughed a little. "I was stunned and just stood there in silence. I was just a normal person even though we all knew I wasn't."

Makennah fondly remembered that day she met Matt, Nick, Josh, and Jonah. She loved them all now. Undoubtedly. "The Sinclairs cared about my grades and my schoolwork and my friends and sports. They came to every soccer game. They were the ones that even convinced me to join the team. I made friends that they liked and Carolynn did things like invite them over for homecoming so we can all hang out. Carolynn bought me things...not because I needed them...just because that's who she is. She loved having a girl in the house. She loved having...a daughter. Me."

Me.

"I easily fell into their world. The Sinclairs are magical because they love each other and they love other people. They fight together for one another. No one gets left behind. And I was special enough to be included in that atmosphere, to be included in their unit. From day one, Matt watched out for me. He made sure that I would fit in at school with a group of people I didn't know and didn't understand because of where I came from. And Matt introduced me to Theo who is my...my boyfriend now. But I can't even talk about that right now." Makennah attempted to laugh like it was no big deal because she wasn't mentally stable enough to touch that subject. Her emotions rode a rollercoaster every time she closed her eyes.

"Anyways...I was lucky enough to see what a family is supposed to be like and play a role in that family. It helped me see how messed up my life has been with my mom living in dilapidated house that often didn't have running water or electricity because my mom didn't pay the bills. It gave me the courage to go see her and...and tell her that I didn't need her and didn't want her. But when I tried to do that, she's already moved on and forgotten about me." Her voice cracked and tears collected in her eyes. "She was supposed to be in prison, but she got out early. Didn't tell me. Didn't call me. Didn't do anything!" She put her emotions back in check. "So I hunted her down like I always did. It took me hours. But I found her and I told her that I finally had a family. I told her to rot in hell for all I cared because she didn't care about me at all. Obviously, she only wanted things that could feed her nasty addiction, like how it's been my whole life," she explained.

"I went on living my life. I grew more entwined with the Sinclairs. I fell in love with them, each and every one of them. They're amazing. I constantly wonder how I got so lucky. Mom went back to prison because I put her there." This time, she laughed for real. "Another story for another day though. And then...and then...and then..." She blanked. What happened then? Well her life spiraled a little bit. "Then I won the nomination to homecoming court. I kissed Theo. I got a job, a good job. I set up one of my friends with Nick, my brother. I went to some parties. Then I started smoking because of someone else's ignorance," she admitted which is how she started her fist counselling session. "I was attacked by my ex boyfriend after I got into a fight with this new girlfriend on the soccer field and I was ejected from the game. Theo asked me to be his girlfriend after he told me he was offered a position on a football team in Texas. I said yes, obviously. You would say yes too if you saw him. Then I smoked some more somewhere in between which is a bad sign for me. On top of that, the Sinclair's grandma came to visit me when she wasn't supposed to and asked me to watch out for the Sinclair family at their grandpa's upcoming funeral cause apparently he did something stupid that warrants attention from the FBI. Elizabeth...their grandma...didn't want them to figure it out at the funeral. Maybe later or something. I don't know." She stopped to catch her breath and looked up at the ceiling as if the rest of her thoughts might be up there.

"OH!" Makennah held up her finger when her train of thought returned. "Most importantly, I came home one night and I found these...permanent legal guardianship papers sitting on the counter. I figured out that the Sinclairs were applying to be my legal guardians so I wouldn't have to be in the foster system anymore. We've barely even talked about it...I told Will that I knew to cover up for a stupid thing I did so that I wouldn't get in trouble. We had this little talk and he told me that I was important to them. He told me they couldn't picture their life without me. I just made it disappear in my mind because I was trying to help keep the family together after their grandpa died. Carolynn wouldn't even get out of bed. She said she couldn't do it. But I was the one that got her up. I got her out of bed and made her get ready for the funeral. No one else could do it...but I did," she said proudly.

"I felt...important. I felt needed. I felt like I meant something to Carolynn and the family. Somewhere deep down I knew that I deserved to feel that way. I deserved to feel love and to love a family in return. It wasn't easy to take...I still don't understand because I've just never had that. It scares me a little. Carolynn laid in that bed crying and I wondered if anyone would ever do that for me. I knew my mom wouldn't. She doesn't care about anything other than drugs. I don't have family. I wondered if anyone would lay in a bed and cry about me if I died. And I thought that the Sinclairs...would maybe care if I died. They might cry. They might throw me a funeral, a nice one too. So why would I give that up?"

She shrugged. "I took those papers, I called a court appointed lawyer, I drove to the women's correctional facility and I slapped those papers down in front of my mom. But I forgot that she would be sober. So it was hard. It's hard to see the evil monster inside of my mom when she's sober. She doesn't look like...well like such a monster anymore. It's really freaking annoying." Her chin dropped down and her hair fell around her face to hide her features. "The lawyer explained legal guardianship. And I made my mom feel like a crap mother so that she would sign those papers."

Makennah dug into her bag and withdrew the signed legal paperwork that was waiting to be authorized by a judge once she gave it to the Sinclairs. "This is it." She held up the papers to show Janine. "I still have them. It's official, super official, as soon as I give it to Will. But I can't. Because I don't know how I feel about it. I just keep carrying these around. No one knows they're signed."

Janine nodded her head and glanced at the papers. Her puzzled expression cleared up the longer that Makennah talked and explained what was going on. She never interrupted and she didn't ask questions. Just like their first session.

When she woke up, Makennah decided that she was going to open up to Janine during their session. She didn't feel comfortable explaining any of these emotions to anyone else. She knew that Janine would keep it a secret, and that's what she desired most.

"I feel guilty. Really, really guilty," Makennah whispered, finally admitting those small words out loud. "Even after everything she did to me, I felt guilty for dismissing my mom that way. And that's not okay! My guilt is making me so angry, because I shouldn't feel guilty. I deserve this. Don't I?" She asked Janine.

Janine smiled softly. "Somewhere deep down you believe that you don't deserve it."

"But I do," she countered, fighting off tears.

"Yes, you do," Janine agreed, her smile widening. "You deserve stability and a loving family. You deserve to live with the Sinclairs until you're eighteen and a legal adult. You deserve to let them love you."

Makennah slapped the papers down on the couch beside her. "Then why do I feel guilty?" She yelled.

"Are you ready for some hard truth?" Janine asked.

Makennah nodded enthusiastically.

Janine crossed one leg over the other. "Your entire life you have been told or shown that people care about other things more than you. Your mother cherished alcohol and drugs more than you. She has her own problems so vast that she can't see the gift that you are. From what you've said, I can surmise that you had an abusive ex boyfriend. He showed you that he doesn't care about you enough not to lay his hands on you. On top of that, you jumped from foster family to foster family that probably never loved you. Time and time again, your mother returned to her addiction rather than love you enough to straighten up her life. There are a vast array of other things that occurred to you in your life that made you feel unworthy of something good, something great. For the first time, you're realizing that you deserve happiness and love. You deserve a family like the Sinclairs."

Makennah started to cry despite her efforts not to. The tears dripped down her eyelashes and rolled down her cheeks. "I just...I..." She stopped short when her breath wracked through her body and shook her to her core. A gaping wound ripped open inside of her chest.

Janine didn't offer her any tissue or try to console her. She simply sat and waited patiently. There was no pressure for her to say anything or pull herself together. Janine just let her cry.

"I hate her so much for...f-f-for stealing so much from me," she hiccup-sobbed. "Even now that she's....s-s-she's not here, she's still stealing my happiness."

Janine nodded. "She can only steal from you what you let her."

The tears dried up a little bit at this piece of information. "How? What do you mean?"

Janine uncrossed her legs, leaned over, and propped up her arms on her knees. "All of the things that you want and deserve are right in front of you. The life you've dreamed of is waiting for you. You've already done the hard stuff. You confronted your mother more than once and told her how much she hurt you. It was hard to say those things but you did it. She was never the mother that you needed, and now that you know that and you've accepted it, you can move on. She signed the papers. You did the hard part. You're feeling guilty and that's okay. It's okay to feel feelings, Makennah. But now you have the right to move on from those feelings and be happy."

Makennah wiped away the tears on her hand. "So what do I do? Just give them the papers?"

Janine smiled. "That's up to you. It's up to you how you take your happiness."

"My happiness is with the Sinclairs," Makennah said resolutely.

"Then go get the Sinclairs."

------------------------------------------

Sadly, we are nearing the end of this story. I already miss Makennah, but I hope you all are ready for what's coming up next.

Xoxo

W. Carolina