Chapter 15

Simi wasn't in the mood to eat. She kept toying with her fork. She was still unfocussed. Still under the influence. And despite that she knew she shouldn't have done what she had. Throwing a tantrum like that and venting her anger by drinking wasn't a solution. And that too in front of Neil. What would he think? He must have formed the worst possible opinion of her. Already. Why was everything such a mess? Why?

'They said no', her mother's voice boomed in her head for the nth time and she frowned. 'Till when is this going to go on Simi', she had said. 'For how long am I going to keep finding good boys for you and you are going to ruin everything by being...you', she had said angrily. Simi closed her eyes. That was the voice she had tried to drown by getting drunk. Since her trying to be honest to herself and others was a problem maybe she should try being someone else, someone those dumb and good for nothing boys might appreciate.

'So you are a teacher', 'How come you aren't in any of the big professions your family is quite successful at those', 'Teacher....hmmmm...that's nice', 'You are not into adventure sports', 'You seem way too conservative', 'Too traditional', 'Too plain', 'Too simple', 'No boyfriend, why not', 'You are straight right'.... Simi wanted to close her ears and drown all those voices that were giving her a headache. What did they all want from her? This was who she was. Why couldn't they accept her for who she was? Why?

"The food is not of your liking," another voice penetrated her foggy state of mind.

For a second Simi was confused. Who had said that? No. It was no one from the past. She hadn't met any guy with a voice like that. And she opened her eyes. She looked at Neil. And her mind cleared for a bit.

She stared at him. He was similar to all those men wasn't he? He wouldn't look twice at her either. So what if he had taken her profession in stride and hadn't raised an eyebrow at it. So what if he had laughed with her and made her feel comfortable, he wasn't here to view her as a matrimonial prospect. Even if he had been there for that reason it would be rejection all over again. She wasn't beautiful enough, or smart enough or successful enough. She wasn't any fun. Who read books these days with the Kindles and the tabs? Who listened to old Hindi songs when some idiot was making Vodka the fashion statement? Who believed in values and virtues when being without them was the 'in' thing? But Neil wasn't into any of those things, a lone voice said somewhere in her head. And she frowned at it. Still, he was one of them, came back the angry response.

"Do you think I am beautiful?" she asked harshly.

He looked surprised. As if he wasn't sure what she was talking about. And she kept her food plate on the side and pinned him with her gaze. Her brain was still fuzzy but at least she wasn't seeing two of him anymore. She wanted to know what he thought, what he would say. He might not say anything but still she braced herself for the worst. She wanted him to be honest with her.

"Where did that come from?" Neil asked cautiously.

"Answer the question," Simi said stubbornly, "do you think I am beautiful?" she asked again.

"You want an honest opinion," Neil said keeping his tone casual as he set his plate on the table, "you think you would be able to take it in your current state," he asked as he sat back in his seat and looked carefully at her.

Simi bobbed her head. A little too much maybe. Her vision turned blurry for a second. But it cleared somewhat in a matter of another few.

"No, you are not beautiful," Neil said honestly and saw the pain in her eyes and the tears that quickly welled up in their depths but she refused to look away and Neil decided to go ahead with what he had to say, "you wouldn't classify in the conventional terms of beauty but..." he said and paused a little choosing his words carefully, "you are a beautiful person Simi," he told her and smiled when she looked confused. Her brain wasn't grasping the meaning of his words and he knew why was that. What he wanted to know was what had triggered such a reaction from her? "They say 'beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder' in short, what someone sees in you and admires in you is what is beauty," he said trying to make it as simple, "I see the person beneath the surface and I find her beautiful, but maybe that wasn't your question," he said.

He was trying to tell her something. She knew it. There was a hidden meaning behind his words...a deeper meaning. But she wasn't able to comprehend it the way she should have. She would have had she been a bit more in her senses but she wasn't. She shook her head to clear it. He had been honest. She had heard it in his voice. But he didn't find her beautiful. So he would never be attracted to her either. That thought depressed her. But she had known it. And yet.

"In other words you would never be attracted to me," she said as she knit her brows together to concentrate. There were too many thoughts jumbled up in her head. When Neil didn't answer to that one she looked at him. "Well?" she said as she waited.

"You want me to answer that one," Neil said incredulously.

"Why would I ask you if I didn't want an answer," Simi said. What was wrong with him? She was the one drunk not him.

"Simi...what is this really about?" Neil asked a bit concerned.

Why was he concerned? He wasn't attracted to her. She just wanted to confirm it. She knew it. But she wanted to hear it from his mouth.

"Yes or no," Simi asked.

"I don't know," Neil said a bit exasperatedly. Why was she asking him all this? She was baffling him. Was she attracted to him? Was this all about that? Oh boy, if that was the case he didn't know what to do. He admired her for the person she was. And the qualities she had. But that wasn't attraction. Granted, for a second out there he had thought of her as a bit beautiful and maybe because of how close she had been he had wondered how it would feel if he was to kiss her but that moment was gone. She was sitting before him in another nightshirt with an oversize cardigan over it. How many of those shirts and cardigans did she own anyway? Never mind that. Now wasn't the time to get into those. He just hoped there was a logical explanation behind all of this or else he was out of here first thing tomorrow morning...storm or no storm.

"That is not an answer," Simi said sullenly, "you are just like the rest of them aren't you," she said as her chin quivered.

"Like who?" Neil asked cautiously. If he valued his sanity he should probably get up and walk out. Wait, till she was sound asleep. But he couldn't. His sense of responsibility didn't allow him. The state she was in he didn't know what she would do. Damn his conscience. And damn Robbie.

"Like the other members of your species," she said suddenly angry and she dashed her hands across her eyes as she sat up in her seat, "you think you know everything, that...that you are superior than me...us...everything should run according to you," she said pointing her finger at him and for loss of anything to say Neil decided to keep quiet and see where her venting took her maybe he would be able to make sense out of what she was saying, "first it was my parents, then my siblings, now you," she said frustrated with everyone, "all of you think you are above me, all of you think you are God's gifts to mankind, well, you are wrong...all of you," she shouted.

"Simi," Neil said gently, "what is it that has you so upset?" he asked quietly. Keeping calm might help. She was upset. Wrong. She was beyond upset. He was slowly figuring it out. The mutterings regarding her father dictating terms, then the reference to him as Hitler. Something or rather someone from her family was the root cause for this demonstration of emotions. He could hear her struggling to get her anger out of her. Maybe she never did vent out. Or if she did, it was in small measures. Right now she was full of it. Her frustration, her upset, her anger wanted out and she didn't know how. Maybe talking about it might help. He was no expert on helping people but it seemed to be the best option.

"Everything," she said as she slid down her seat from the couch to the carpet and sat there huddled, "everything has me upset," she said as she placed her chin over her knee.

No matter what he couldn't see her in this state. It didn't matter if he was attracted to her or not, it didn't matter that it wasn't his problem and that this was a temporary arrangement and he didn't want to get involved, it didn't matter that knowing more about her might put him at a risk of doing something unthinkable. Nothing mattered. He wanted to see her smile again. It was the holidays for God's sake. Christmas. The best time of the year. Even if she returned to her nervous self that would be acceptable but he couldn't tolerate the utter despondency.

"You want to talk about it," he said gently as he sat next to her.

"It won't help," Simi said as she looked sideways at him.

"Try," Neil said coaxing her.

Simi looked at him. What could she tell him? He won't understand any of it. Worse, what would he think of her? Did it matter, came the response, the way you are behaving he has already made up his mind about you, no harm in telling him the rest. She sighed and then looked back at the burning flames in the hearth. He was a stranger. There was no harm in unloading one's problems before a stranger. They would part ways in a couple of days anyway. And then he would forget all about her. For some reason that thought didn't sit well with her.

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