36b - Him & I within barren(S2)

Short Note - Mon chéri means "my dear"

Prithvi blinked his eyes weakly, feeling glitches in his system and surroundings, as a big puff of air blew through.

And choked out in the middle, he rapidly started searching his coat and pants pockets impatiently. Looking for something, he coughed loudly, putting one reachable hand on his throat, and the other inside his coat pocket.

He found nothing.

Then he searched his pants pockets, leaving the other hand on his throat, searching and looking inside out, in grave fear when he found nothing again.

He checked and "ahghh!" he screamed, coughing more.

"No! It should be here!" Then he looked again, turning the pockets of his blazer upside down.

"Wher...er has it gone?" He wanted to loosen his tie but didn't have enough strength, as it felt like a knot around his neck, with the pin getting in his way.

He took out everything from its place, then looked at the back side of his trousers. Finally, he found the small polythene bag with a lot of pills inside.

He opened its zipper, but his nails chipped at a miserable attempt to open it.

"No... no!" he coughed more, groaning in pain. With each step, it was becoming more torturous for him. When he finally opened the zipper, he first closed his eyes in a tired sigh, then with shaking hands, he started emptying the pills into his hand. But the pills torturously dropped from his unsteady hand.

He took out more, but not one stayed on his palm.

They all fell onto the soily road. He emptied the whole bag, and all of them dropped, unable to keep himself stable. Coughing, he reached for the pills in the dirt, gasping for air, but hands came in between, stopping him from reaching.

As he dragged himself, looking up, he met the same eyes.

"No, Prithvi!" she nodded, shaking her head as she saw him. He looked silently, struggling with another choking fit.

Again, he saw no one but himself.

He struggled, trying to reach, when he saw the same teen girl coming his way and sitting down near him.

She was alive; she hadn't slipped or jumped from the cliff. He looked deeply at her.

She silently stared, and with that gaze, Prithvi himself felt like he was back to being the teen boy. The suffering seemed to enrich her form only.

She was becoming more visible and less irritably glowing.

"Why would you come back again? No, you can't... why would you be here... these..." he asked, his voice muddled without pills, staring.

The girl silently clenched her teeth, looking painfully at him.

"What... do you want from me? Why don't you leave me alone?" he cried out finally, the tears making their way down his face.

"Prithvi, let's leave together, come with us," the other girl answered, stopping him from moving his hand.

He stared at the teen girl silently, sadly, not able to meet her eyes, she was avoiding him.

Prithvi smiled, looking at the teen girl, his tears welling up as he became weaker. "Don't... d... don't... ahh!" He hissed, closing his eyes as he felt the pain, the knot turning inside his stomach.

He placed one hand there, trying to protect himself.

"Aren't you?" he lowered his voice, his lips barely moving. She stayed silent, staring down. "You want me to die?" he asked, lowering his eyes. "I don't want to know you." he requested, his voice barely a whisper.

He moved his hand towards the scattered pills, but the fair-skinned woman stopped him.

He tried again.

"This will ease your pain, chéri... trust me." He looked up at her, trying to see what her eyes were reflecting. Her eyes were like pure evil-soul-shifters. No mercy. No empathy.

"Please," he begged, his gaze shifting to the girl on his left, who was still looking down. "You know you left me... I didn't."

"..."

"If... if you too still want this, then okay." He smiled before a tear slid down his cheek. The pain surged through him.

"Leave him, I said, leave him!" the girl cried out, sobbing as she spoke to the other woman, her eyes never leaving his weak, giving-up body.

She finally looked up into his eyes. "You know... I will die if I don't have this. I will die at this moment," she cried uncontrollably, staring at him.

She nodded nervously.

"If that's what you want..." He choked for air, his body sinking into the sand.

He punched his white-knuckled hand into the sandy road, suffocating. "Listen to me. Leave me. Stop following or chasing me. It's been over years." He hit his fist hard against the ground and muttered the last words, his eyes closed. "The reason... the reason is..." He shouted, closing his eyes tightly, in pain. "I don't want to remember you. I don't want to know you anymore."

"Stop troubling me. I have a family to look after." He stood and bawled with all his inner strength, the scream escaping as raw emotion. With it came fresh tears, his vulnerability pouring out. "I don't... leave me. I know you're not real. This is just a foul ploy of my imagination."

Finally, there was no one.

No barriers this time.

He felt as though he was once again free.

No longer did he feel his heart or body caged in an invisible nest.

He could finally move his body.

however, he was still struggling with breathing issues. He still needed those pills to recover, though the inner demons of past memories-the fragments-were gone, or vanished with his warning.

Prithvi stopped once again, sitting back. "No, I can't cry! I can't be weak." He gathered the pills from the sand, collecting them in one palm.

But he felt so overwhelmed.

He was broken inside, like a crack in a ceiling, and like water leaking, all his emotions were spilling out.

"Prithvi, you can't give up. You need to take care of everything," he whispered to himself, folding his hands into fists and closing his eyes, exhausted.

He told himself everything he could to avoid giving up. "You can't." He shook his head.

"You need to protect your family," he broke down like a child, shouting. "I can't save, protect anyone... I'm a clown... for crying like this." He hit his chest, punishing himself, remembering all the tough lessons he had learned until now.

"I'm a coward for... running away. Like this." He choked again, making it harder for him. He knew he was choosing to suffer, and it hurt him even more.

He needed those pills urgently to relax, but instead, he clenched them in his fist, crying out his misery and testing his life's tendencies.

"I need to protect my family and the people who work for me."

Howling in anguish, he muttered in utter depression, "Yes! That's what I have been brought up for. I have a responsibility, even if I don't want it. I need to still work for my responsibility... even though I feel so crushed by them." He threw punches of utter retirement, angrily tired, his fists sinking into the sand.

"Yes, Prithvi, that's what you were born for. I need to find whoever is trying to mess things up..." His tears wet the towels of sand beneath him.

"But I don't want to. I want to flee, to hug my goodbye to the world. For a good reason." Prithvi took his face into his palms and cried, making sounds of pain.

Then he stared at his hands with irate, red eyes, the pain pricking his skin like a needle, used on him again and again.

Now more intensified, he wiped away his wet stains, clearing his tears with the back sleeves of his newly tailored coat.

"I can't see any more bloodshed in vain, I can't see those people who trust me, getting crushed one by one. I can't see one more innocent life being taken, their trust getting broken just because they trusted me, they put their belief in me," with wide eyes, he stared into the deep void. Suddenly, sounds started ringing in his ears.

"But, sir, we believe in you..." The man's voice echoed, and the sound seemed to spin around in his mind.

Prithvi's thoughts spiraled, going round and round.

He put his hand over his ear, trying to block the noise, and hit his right fist, full of pills, onto his thigh in frustration.

"Yes, Prithvi, you leave us, but that doesn't mean we leave you... you will come with us." He heard the same voice again. Maybe it was his time calling him, that's why he kept hearing the same voice over and over.

"But I can't die cowardly, I too don't want to live, but I can't-I have a family to look after. They will break apart if I die... my mother... I can't leave them," he protested one last time, even though inside, he had already long ago thrown away all hope.

"No, you need to come, I said..." he heard the voice again.

"No, Prithvi, this is a dream, not reality. Don't get confused," Prithvi thought to himself, letting the fight slip away. He repeated to himself, "Let it be a dream. Anyway, I wasn't able to stop those deaths. I should have been dead long ago... I'm not stopping people from dying, but maybe if I die, this problem will be solved."

He felt a hand choking him deadly. "No, let it go."

"Prithvi, why are you hesitating? Did you forget our promises and everything? You need to remember the day of the orchestra, Prithvi..." the girl repeated.

"I need space to think," he struggled.

Prithvi had whispered some last fight to himself before surrendering to the darkness enveloping him. His furrowed brows relaxed, and fighting back tears, they ran down his cheeks, falling into his dry beard.

"I'm sorry for everyone's loss... and for those who lost their lives because of me... but I'm not a good person, not worth living," he screamed. "I want to die," he said, closing his hand and digging his head into his palms, sitting on his knees.

"No... I want to die, I want to die. Please, free me, I can't... I can't-"

No, Prithvi, men are supposed to be men-not crybabies, not ones to cry out their misery. They are born to change their circumstances, not to mourn over them. he thought to himself.

"No, just die. I don't want to see myself."

"No, Prithvi. You have to pull your act together. There are things waiting for you to face. They are now your reality. You can never turn back. It's your responsibility; you need to handle it."

Power huh! It's always been like that-an illusion mirror game; one day you have it all, the next day you are nothing. Mercy is for the weak, and he's not weak at all. He knew how to fight, That's what he has been taught.

With that, Prithvi stopped putting fight, ceased struggling, and choked more before finally fainting. His eyes gradually closed, but before he fully succumbed, his gaze fixed on the ring, its light flashing in his left hand. He stared, laying there, his breath puffing out particles of sand, his heartbeat racing.

As he kept staring, tears flowed, and he thought to himself that he deserved it, "Now this completes us..." He remembered his words to his lady, He whispered, "I'm sorry..."

Aakhir mein, Prithvi realized he had been protecting an empty crown, kyunki sab kuch toh uske haathon se banjara zameen ke ret ki tarah fisal raha tha. Wahi banjara zameen jo saalon se sunsaan thi, jahan koi aata jaata nahi. Aur jo aata, wo uspe thook ke chala jata, sirf isliye, taki uski buri nazar doosron ko na lage.

He was barren itself in the end.

Accepting the end, "I'm sorry, my lady," he whispered again, closing his eyes for the final time.

What certainty do we need to have to come and bet on this big hunch with our luck? What kind of devil do we need to make a deal with to face the truth, or to the fact, to become a devil-like creature or to wear the devil's face itself?

Who knows? Only this man must know what payment he has to make to be so certain, to not recognize the fragile and real Prithvi, and to become this tough & hard.

He sticks with his fake self-made rules, selfish and self-beneficial rules... up till now!

But don't we all need to have full possession of our lives, even if they go unplanned? No matter to what extent the past plays with us, however frustrating or unfair, however cruel our past may become. For the present, we need to hold onto a disgusted hope within us... Prithvi struggled there out.

How could he be "a man of his word" when he doesn't seem to be overpowering his own shadow?

Aashman toh khula pada hua tha...for him too flew high only time, par udhne ke liye pankh nahi the shayad,and so, Prithvi lay there, struggling, unmoving.