(40) Always and Forever

Dear Alexis Anderson,

You are the best, most amazing girl i've ever met. I'm so in love with you. I don't think enough time could ever make me grow tired of you. The time we spent together simply will never be long enough for me.

I just can't get enough of you. You're so perfect in everything you do. I love the way you tease me, and act like my mother, and I love the way you're attitude can change so quick. I love how you're possessive of me, and always look out for me, and want what's best for me. I love that a lot.

Meeting you was the best thing that's ever happened to me. By far. I don't know when it happened, that I fell in love with you, but it did. I fell in love with your smile, with the way you're hand fits perfectly in mine, and with the way you kiss me. I love you so much. I don't think I'll ever stop.

It's making me insane, this feeling trapped in my chest. My heart is crying out for you, but we're done. This time for good. I knew when you told me we'd never speak again that you meant it. That's another thing I've grown to like about you. You speak your opinion and you back it up. You're not one to be all talk and no walk.

It was like something in me broke, when you left. Suddenly the house felt like a dead silence, and it wasn't a comfortable one. After, I stood there and watched the place you, only minutes earlier, graced with your presence. I watched your shoulders turn, and your calves bend slightly as you turned, and then I watched your hair, it's beautiful waves cascading down your back, as they swayed slightly side to side as you walked out of my life forever.

And in that moment, the strings in me broke. It was like the ties that used to connect us, and hold you so close to me, were snapped. And it's all my fault. I'm so sorry. I will never be sorry enough for what I've done to you. I will never forgive myself.

I hope you're doing okay. Maybe you've moved on. Maybe you're seeing someone else. I guess I won't find out. All I know is it kills me inside to think of someone else touching you. Someone else holding you, someone else's lips against yours. The thought of that consumes me, it plagues my mind at night when I try to sleep. I close my eyes and the demons of jealousy and regret take over, as my mind spirals into a dark abyss.

This was never supposed to happen. I was never supposed to fall in love with you. I was a player. I wasn't that guy that changed for the new girl. But you came, and suddenly I was. It wasn't a love at first sight, because I was a total asshole to you at first. Cocky, arrogant, you name it. I didn't realize who I was dealing with. But you, Alexa? You changed me. You fucking stole my heart right out of my fucking chest and you didn't even realize what you were doing.

You own me. Everything you want, I want to be yours. Everything you desire, I tried my best to have given to you. Everything life has to offer, you deserve it all. You're the puppeteer, holding me and controlling my life, because my life's purpose has become you. All I want is for you to be safe, and to be happy. With me. Then I fucked it up, and now I've lost that.

It's gone, and you're gone, and I know you're not coming back. I'm not stupid enough to plant in myself the idea of a false hope, the idea that you might come back to me, because it's not going to happen. You're never going to be mine again, yet I know I will forever and always be yours.

My heart isn't even in my chest. Even now, as I'm writing this, I hear it beating, and I can feel it pulsing, but it's just another stupid organ in my stupid body that fucked up and lost you. My heart will forever and always be yours to keep.

I hate that we're not together. I hate it with every single ounce of my being. I was put on this earth for one reason, and that's to be hopelessly and undoubtedly in love with you. I still am. I know when looking at this situation, I look stupid. I'm chasing after the girl that is no longer mine. I should just move on, right?

Well, I can't.

Shortly after we ended, I went back to the same club, where I kissed you for the first time. I tried moving on. I forced myself to go, and to look like I was having fun. I failed. Epically. I used to be able to look at girls, and pick out which ones would want to come home with me. But when I looked at them, all I saw was your dark blonde brown hair, your piercing eyes, and your lips. This girl could've been the best hookup in the world and she'd still have nothing on you. I don't mind waiting for you. I will wait forever for you. You're my one and only. You're the only girl I want.

You're my favorite person on this entire planet, and it's fucking killing me that I can't tell you that. Those days are over. I can't tease you anymore, or scare you before pulling you into my arms. I can't hold you for hours, and play with your hair and just think about how fucking lucky I am. How lucky I was. I'm still lucky. Out of everyone in the world, you chose to spend all of that time with me. That's irreplaceable to me. I'm never going to forget our time together. Not ever.

I hope you either forget about me, or remember. Whatever makes you happier. If it's easier to forget, and move on with the rest of your life, do so. If you're like me, and can't, or don't want to forget, then remember. Think of me when you need help. Don't ever hesitate to call. I know you won't want to. Maybe you'll think I'm mad, or I don't want to be there for you, but I swear on everything, that will never be the case. I'll drop everything and drive thousands of miles to be there for you. I'll give up everything important to me, just to see you smile.

I love your smile. It's so perfect, and beautiful, just like you. I love the way your lips turn up, and slight dimples appear. I love the way your eyes look when you're smiling. I can't explain it, but they get this look in them, and that makes me feel like the happiest man alive. I wish I would've complimented your smile more. You should never be afraid to smile. Everyone you smile at is so lucky. I'd do anything to have you looking at me like that again.

Anyone that gets the chance to be with you, even just to be your friend, is so, so lucky. I wish that I could have that again. I took you for granted, and I'm sorry about that. I realize now, that I've lost you, how much it hurts. I can't live without you. I should've realized a lot sooner, but I didn't.

Before I met you, I wasn't the me I am now. I was stupid. I didn't know there was a point to life, other than to live for myself, and I didn't know how much finding someone to live for would affect me.

I think about you everyday, since you left my house. I think about the memories we have together, I think about the things we did, and the things we should've done. I think about how I thought I was in pain when you chose him over me, and I think of how happy I was when you realized that you belonged with me. I think about how this time, that's not the case. This time, I am the forgotten, and you belong with someone else. Or maybe you belong with just you. You're not the type of girl desperately in need of a boyfriend. You're confident, and radiantly yourself, with or without one.

You're my best friend, and my favorite person on this Earth. I'm nothing without you. I can't handle knowing you're perfectly fine without me.

I hope you're fine at least. I hope with every ounce of my being that you're okay, and that you will be okay. I hope you continue your friendships with Elle, Jared, and Parker. They treat you right, like how I should've. I hope you don't forget about me, but I hope you move on if you want to.

By the time you get this, you probably won't see me again. But I don't think you'll ever forget the memories we had, and I don't think I ever will either.

I remember everything. I remember the times you snuck out to come see me, and I remember the time I scared you when you were watching Elodie. I remember you being there for me when I couldn't be there for myself after the passing of my mother. I remember your lips touching mine, and I remember the sparks I felt all throughout my body.

I love all of that. I love everything that happened, and Lex, I love you.

I love you.

Forever, and always.

Mason Derivan

A/N: one chapter left for sure, and possibly an epilogue

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