Chapter 35

"I would have pressed charges." Laura scoffed, throwing a pebble into the lake for the third time since we sat down on the bench that faced it. The swans swimming around didn't appreciate it and kept sending her dirty looks.

Laura was the first person I called after the whole Chris drama, and because now we were sure we could keep direct contact, she didn't even think twice about taking her maternity leave early to come here and stay with me. She's due in 3 months, so, her fiancé was utterly against her travelling on her own in her conditions, and so was I, hence ... she had them all come over.

I didn't have it in me to tell everyone about what happened, though. I only told her once everyone went back to New York. Seeing my friends again after months was refreshing, but there was a clear elephant in the room. Or rather, there wasn't, given Chris' absence. "Adam said Meredith had Chris admitted to her hospital."

"He's not sick, he's just a psycho." Laura huffed. "He needs a slap in the face, with a chair, thrown by me."

"Lala ..."

"He tried to kill you, Viv." She pointed out for the umpteenth time. "I always knew he was a needy bitch, I just didn't imagine he was also a psychotic bitch."

"I really don't know what ... triggered this." I shook my head, unable to believe he'd always been like that. As blind as I was, due to my feelings, I couldn't have possibly missed all the signs in so many years. And even if I did, how couldn't everybody else see them?

"Well, what triggers a soccer mom when she kills her kids? What triggers that nice and quiet man to slaughter his entire family?" Laura shrugged. "You never really know the people that are closest to you, Viv, it's about time you realize that."

"By that way of thinking, I shouldn't trust you either." I joked.

"I mean, I've lied to you before." She winked, especially when I feigned a gasp. "Innocent lies ... like when I started dating Nick, I never told you I was sleeping with Shane."

"Wait, our Shane?"

She bit her lips. "He was and still is a manwhore, but ... God, one hell of a good manwhore, if you get what I mean ..."

"I can't believe this ..." I was truly shocked. Given how different Nick and Shane are, I'd have never thought Laura would be interested in our friend.

"Oh, please, it was something totally different from what I have with Nick." Laura laughed. "Just ... every now and then we hooked up, no biggie. It was a really straightforward friends with benefits thing, no strings attached. It never got deep and it didn't ruin our friendship."

"Does Nick know?" I arched an eyebrow at her.

"It was 5 years ago, but ... yeah, he knows. He also knows I stopped the moment we got serious, which was after the first 3 dates."

"You should have told me." I glared at her, but grateful for her effort at changing the subject. With everyone else around me worried about how I felt, Laura being ... well, Laura was truly what I needed.

She scoffed. "Oh, please, at the time we all had a crush on Shay." She laughed. "I mean, handsome, hard-working, super smart ... if he wasn't such a manwhore, he'd be the perfect man."

I chuckled. "That's true." In college Shane was always surrounded by girls. Freshmen, sophomores, juniors, seniors, even some TAs ... all drooling over him. Of course, he took advantage of that and not always in a ... chivalrous way. Shane is a great guy, he has a kind heart and he'll be an awesome doctor, but ... when it comes to women he can be quite shallow.

"Did you know he punched the little bitch?"

"Yeah ..." I sighed, "yeah, Chris told me Shay punched him when he heard about what happened months ago."

"I could only imagine what he'd do to him now ..." Laura mentioned, a mischievous glint in her eyes.

"Don't ..."

"What?" She gave me that innocent smile that always gets her everything from Nick.

"That doesn't work on me, Miss." I narrowed my eyes at her. "I only told you. Nobody else needs to know what happened." I pointed out. "You, Adam and my mom are the only ones that know the full story," I reminded her, "about Chris, Sebastian and everything. And I want it to remain that way."

"And Dylan."

"What?"

She smirked a little, which meant she was insinuating something. "Dylan, too knows everything and he saved you ..."

"He's a cop. It was his job. Literally." I don't get why everyone is so fixated on me and Dylan. Can't a man and woman be friends without-right, right, given the past, it was hard to believe two straight people could have a pure friendship without anything being hidden or repressed. Especially considering that before all Hell broke loose with Chris, Dylan quite literally confessed he wanted something more.

"Yeah, and cops can't fall in love with the people they protect, right?" Laura scoffed. "It's not like there are tons of books and movies about this."

"Just because something happens in fiction, doesn't mean it's possible in reality." I pointed out. "I mean, if this was nothing but fiction, Chris and I would be together already. The best friends trope and all that."

"In all seriousness, though," Laura's features got somber, but she didn't look at me, she preferred to stare back at the swans that seemed ready to attack her at the next pebble she threw into their lake. "The signs were kinda there ..."

"You think?"

"I mean, any guy that got within 10 feet of you got his glares. Those that made it to a first date dumped you right after. You never knew why but now you know he chased them away." Laura mentioned. "God knows what he said, or worse, did to them."

That took me off guard. "You think he threatened them?"

"I don't know," she shrugged, "possible. If you think about it, everything Chris has done or said over the years sounded two-faced."

"That's not true ..."

"Come on, Viv ..." she turned to me, "he said he hated one-night-stands, yet he had plenty. He said he hated flirting, yet I know from firsthand sources that he did plenty of flirting when he went out with the guys. He never respected your boundaries or your opinions, whatever you said was just a reflection of his ideas that he subtly gaslighted you with. Whatever you did, it was always only on condition that he agreed to it." She heaved a deep sigh. "I'm sorry, Vivian, but I always told you he treated you like his personal toy. I just never thought he would get to such creepy lengths."

I didn't reply right away, her words resonated with me more than I liked to admit. I did my best not to think about it, taking advantage of the distractions my friends provided me with, but the truth was, maybe Laura was right. If I had to dissect every moment of the past years, I'd probably find many things that confirmed her ideas.

Chris himself said he pretty much led me to choose New York for college and my major. I know for a fact that I stayed in New York because of him, because he found a job almost immediately while I struggled. I had an offer in San Francisco, but I rejected it because of him. Even the London offer, my first thought was Chris. Instead of being happy for the opportunity, I felt immediately oppressed by sense of guilt at the sole idea of leaving him. Even only for four months. I justified everything with my feelings for him, but was it really just that?

"Would you ever make your decisions based on Nick?" I asked out loud, trying to unravel my thoughts.

"Of course, not." Laura frowned. "And he wouldn't either."

"But you stayed in New York for him ..."

Laura sent me a sarcastic look. "I stayed in New York because I am from New York, remember? Where else would a born and bred New Yorker go?"

"When we met, you said you wanted to travel." I pointed out.

"And I did ... with Nick." She smiled, the kind of smile she has on when she talks about her fiancé. "Nick and I, we swore to each other that we would never be a hindrance. And I guess we've been lucky so far." She pressed her lips for a moment. "I guess when you meet the right person, everything just ... falls into place."

I dropped back against the bench, or more like, leaned gently against it, since my back still hurt from when Chris pushed me against the wall. It would have probably healed faster, wasn't it already a bit sore due to the accident and wasn't I literally carrying a weight with me 24/7. "I thought the same about Chris." I murmured, not even having the courage to say it out loud.

"We all make mistakes." Laura said sympathetically.

"Mine wasn't a mistake." I threw my head back to look at the sky. There weren't many clouds, it was a typical early summer sunny day, people were walking around with their families, teen couples made out, old people fed the swans. Just a regular day. I couldn't help but wonder whether all those people were here for my same reason: finding peace.

"You were in love, Viv," Laura mused, "love makes us blind."

"Yeah, but after so many years, a smart person would see the red flags all around. Not only I didn't see them, but if by chance I stumbled into them or you or others made me see them, I just painted them green to feel better." I sighed. "That's not a mistake, that's ... psychiatric ward level of insanity."

"Okay, I'll put this in terms you might find familiar." Laura claimed, which made me turn to look at her, confused. "When Connie married Carlo, she was super happy, wasn't she?"

"A Godfather comparison, really?" I couldn't help but chuckle.

"I mean, he was perfect up until the marriage, wasn't he? She was super happy, her entire friggin' mafia family couldn't tell he was a son of a bitch and they were delighted to have him."

"Not really, Sonny didn't like him much."

"Yeah, I'm Sonny here," she raised her hand, "hi." Laura joked, then she went on: "Soon after they got married and she got pregnant, he cheated on her and started abusing her. Did anyone see that? Did she see that coming?"

"No ..." I rolled my eyes, "no, she defended Carlo even after the beatings and got mad at Michael for having him killed ..."

"Excellent. So, you get my point."

"Not really." I frowned. "If you're trying to say I was as blind as Connie, I already knew that."

"I'm saying it wasn't your fault." Laura corrected me, coming closer to wrap an arm around me and bump our foreheads. "It's never the victim's fault, you know that, Viv."

I sighed, but I didn't move. "I wish people would stop calling me a victim. I'm not. The past years were happy."

"If you don't count the gaslighting, the lies and the unrequited love that wasn't even actually unrequited."

"Chris didn't gaslight me, I just ..." I stood up, needing to move. "I don't know, I just ... I can't believe all these years he was like that. I can't believe I spent 20 years of my life living with the enemy and I never noticed. It's just easier to believe something triggered him, that he changed only lately."

"I mean ... Karen certainly didn't do him good." Laura scoffed. "But as much of a toxic bitch she was, I doubt this is all her fault. Maybe 30% her, 70% his psychotic self."

"Lala, you've known Chris like ... 6-7 years." I reminded her. "I've known him for pretty much all of his life, so believe me when I tell you, he can't have possibly always been like this."

"Now you're gaslighting yourself," she rolled her eyes, "because you desperately want to believe it was just a misunderstanding. After all, that's the word he used, isn't it? A misunderstanding." She scoffed. "As if someone accidentally manipulates his best friend for years, accidentally chases away every man interested in her, accidentally chokes her, almost killing her ... it's everything so accidental, right?"

"Lala ..."

"Look, I may be biased," she stood up to come stand next to me, "I won't deny I never really liked Chris and I always thought he bossed you around. But let's be honest here, Viv, you really think someone randomly becomes a manipulative bastard? You think he suddenly shifted to the dark side when he thought he'd lost you?"

"Well, before ... before the drama last week, Chris had pretty much moved on." I argued, crossing my arms over my chest. "Adam said his brother went to Toronto to start over."

"So, he'd left you at your most vulnerable moment." Laura scoffed. "Yeah, that makes it a lot better." She mused sarcastically.

"I don't blame him for leaving." I went to sit again because my back hurt and my feet felt swollen. "We hadn't even started dating and I was pregnant with another man's baby. A criminal, no less."

Turning around, arms crossed over her chest, or rather over her kind of prominent pregnant belly, Laura insisted: "He also lied about Sebastian beating him up." I guess she was dead set on either opening my eyes or making me hate Chris. Despite everything, I still didn't hate him. Not one bit.

"He probably felt ashamed that he'd gotten into such a mess with Karen." I justified.

"He could have said it was a mugging." Laura shrugged, coming to stand closer to me. "He could have made up any lie ... yet he chose the one that would once again keep you from having a relationship."

"Come on ... he's the one that told me about Sebastian's real name and everything."

"Exactly." She rolled her eyes. "You think he did it to protect you? Or out of the pure goodness of his heart? He only told you all those things because he wanted to make you leave Sebastian."

"Are you actually siding with Sebastian now?" I arched an eyebrow at her, more than confused, especially since she was the one claiming he was always too good to be true.

"I mean ..." she raised one hand, "psychotic best friend that spent years lying to you, gaslighting you and nearly killed you," she summed up, then raised another hand, as if mimicking the scales of justice, "mysterious man that yes, is an actual criminal and has probably the wrong type of body count, but that never hurt you physically or emotionally and that actually wants to protect you." Laura commented. "I'll take Sebastian, Tyler or whatever the hell his name is any day." She claimed solemnly. "At the very least, he actually loves you."

"I don't think he does." I pursed my lips, pulling my head back again to look at the bright sky.

"Right, your Lola-lookalike theory." Laura rolled her eyes. "He was chased by police, FBI and who knows what other types of bad people, yet the first thing he did once he was acquitted was come to you ... I have half a mind of finding him and letting him deal with the little bitch."

I immediately shot back at her, terrified at the sole idea. "No. No, no, no ... Sebastian should never, absolutely never hear a single word about what happened last week."

"Why not?" Laura shrugged. "An eye for an eye."

"This isn't a game, Lala." I said, serious. "You weren't there when Sebastian spoke about kings and queens. You didn't see the ... dark side of him peek through every time he got angry. He got back at Julia Woods – I don't even wanna know how – for inadvertently involving me when she targeted him ... imagine what he would do to Chris if he heard he almost killed me."

"Gruesomely mutilate him, hopefully." Laura scoffed, turning back to the lake. "He shouldn't go unpunished. Actually, he shouldn't be free at all. He literally said he'd be back. What makes you think you're safe?"

"I told you, he's in Toronto."

"Ah, yes, the notorious escape proof Canadian hospitals ..."

"I don't think he'll try anything again." I shook my head. "Not now that everyone knows and is on high alert. Even my dad was pissed and you know he's normally a very tranquil man that barely ever gets mad."

Laura chuckled a bit. "Your dad is huge, I bet the little bitch peed his pants a little when he got threatened."

That was enough to make us both laugh, for which I was grateful. I stretched a bit, and stood up again, needing the movement. When Laura suggested we take a walk in the park, I was overjoyed. It was a chance to get away from everyone else's concerns. My parents blamed themselves for "not seeing the truth", Adam blamed himself for pretty much "forcing" Chris to come over last week, Mrs. Knight blamed herself ... well, for everything her son did. Parents inevitably feel like they failed when their children do horrible things.

The truth is, if anyone's at fault here, that's me. I didn't see the signs or I ignored them all these years. I've known Chris all his life, we spent almost every minute of every day together. If there was anyone that could possibly have the chance to see the signs of a transition from good to evil, from sweet and caring to creepy and psychotic, that was me. I saw nothing. Ultimately, I was part of the problem, too. If not the main part. No matter how many times Laura told me it wasn't my fault, I didn't feel like a victim. I felt more like the trigger itself.

"I shouldn't have slept with him." I mentioned out loud, which made Laura nearly choke on her own saliva. She'd definitely heard wrong. "I mean our kind of sleeping."

"Best friends don't sleep together, I always told you. But again, not your fault." She pulled me in for a hug, so that I could rest my head on her shoulder. "The man you love shows you nothing but physical affection, wants you in his bed every night, literally cuddles you through your sleep ... who wouldn't have been happy about it?"

"But you always said it was toxic."

"The sleeping together per se was weird, but not toxic." She corrected me. "What it fueled, namely your co-dependency, that was the toxic part."

"So, you do agree that it was my fault." I let tears fall without even trying to stop them, but I didn't move. "I shouldn't have allowed all that ... intimacy between us."

"In all these years, did he ever make a move?" Laura inquired. "I mean, did Chris ever touch you differently? Did it ever look like he wanted more, like he was about to kiss you or ... anything."

I pursed my lips, not wanting to admit the truth. "Maybe a few times. I always dismissed them as my dreams of a delusional lovesick heart." Every time it looked like Chris was about to kiss me, every time his touch felt anything but platonic, I always convinced myself I was just daydreaming. But what if I wasn't?

"I guess that, all in all, he wasn't as bad as he could have been." Laura mused, gently playing with my hair. "I mean, he could have-"

"Yes." I cut her off, not wanting to hear it. "Yes, I know what you mean." I didn't want to think about how sideways things could have gone over the years in the secrecy of my apartment or his. "But it wouldn't have happened. The man that was here last week wasn't the same Chris that cuddled me through my sleep, Lala. I am sure of that."

"What, you think he got brainwashed? Somebody hexed him?"

I closed my eyes for a moment, feeling them hurt because of tears. "Having to lose my only certainty is hard enough, Lala. Having to come to terms with the fact that the man I love tried to kill me is enough. I don't want to taint our memories any more than he already has. I'd rather leave them intact."

"Viv ..."

"I'll move on." I nodded against her shoulder. "I don't know how, where or when, but ... I will."

"What about Sebastian?"

I sighed. "I don't ... I don't love him, Lala. I care about him, maybe, but I don't love him."

"Then tell him."

I sat up. "It's not that simple."

"Why not? You said he asked you to make a decision, didn't threaten you at gunpoint, which he literally could have since he had one."

I placed my hands over my belly, which was starting to be quite noticeable. "I don't think he loves me either. Between the similarities he sees between me and Lola, and ... the baby, plus the lies and everything else, he probably feels he owes me."

Laura scoffed loudly, which made me turn to her. "You gotta stop this, Vivian." She stated. "I know that washing away so many years of psychological abuse won't be easy, but you need to keep in mind that most of the guys that dumped you only did so because they were talked, or worse, threatened into it."

"You don't know that-"

"But I do." She rolled her eyes. "You need to stop justifying him. Already putting you through the worst possible heartbreak for 10 years was cruel. Now you know he was the toxic bitch I always thought he was and you need to come to terms with it." Before I could argue, she held up a hand, and added: "I know, I know, it hurts to see those memories fade away under the weight of these revelations, but as long as you deny what he did, you'll never be able to move on. Hell, you might even come to forgive him and hope you two can patch things up."

I didn't say anything, but my face probably gave me away, because Laura gasped loudly, smacking my arm by good measure. "Oh, my God! Don't you even think about it, Vivian Dawson!" Laura screamed, leaping to her feet. "Don't you dare even think about taking him back!"

"I didn't ... I won't ..."

"You're considering it!"

"I'm not ..."

"I can see it in your face, woman, you're thinking it was just a misunderstanding, just like he said!"

"It wasn't." I shook my head. "I don't believe it was a misunderstanding. He did what he did and he half-intended to do it, but-"

"He fully intended to do it!" Laura went on yelling, making even the teenagers a few benches away stop making out to gawk at her in confusion. "There's no half, there's no maybe. Chris literally tried to kill you and he literally said all these years he controlled you like his personal toy. There's no changing that mindset, Vivian. He doesn't actually love you, he thinks he owns you. Big difference."

"But he wasn't always like that ... that's what I can't wrap my head around. If he'd been abusive, if-"

"Helloooo?" She waved a hand before my face. "He was abusive, has been all this time. Just because he didn't beat you up, doesn't mean there was no abuse. Psychological abuse is still abuse."

"Is it, but he wasn't psychologically abusive."

"Sure, because gaslighting is a form of love." She scoffed, her face getting red.

"You should calm down," I mentioned, "this stress isn't good for the baby."

"I will calm down once you finally admit you're coming out of a toxic relationship."

"I'm not ... we weren't even in a relationship to begin with. And he was never ... Lala, I'd have seen it, don't you think? If all these years I had been abused, I'd have noticed."

"No," she insisted, "psychological warfare is much more subtle than physical abuse, Vivian, and you know it. You just can't face the idea that you were the victim of it. It wasn't some random person you saw on TV or an acquaintance, it was you. You just can't face the fact that you lived with the enemy all these years, but you did. People don't change out of the blue, Viv. Chris didn't suddenly become an abusive bastard, these things follow a path, it starts slowly and in little things. You think if you give him another chance he'll go back to what you thought he was, but he won't."

"Lala ..."

"He won't change! They never change! It starts with controlling small things like what you eat, where you go, who do you talk to. Then it gets to sabotaging your relationships, until he actively keeps you away from people that love you, which you know very well he did. Every time he subtly convinced you to bail on me, Beth, anyone you had plans with. All in all, you're lucky all this didn't blow up faster."

"I know I shouldn't have bailed on you so many times, but it wasn't about Chris."

"Of course, it was!" She went on yelling and flailing her arms around. I'd never seen her so upset. "It starts like that! And I know! I know it starts like that because I've been there!"

I blinked my eyes, marveled. "Wait, what?"

Laura took a deep breath, a hand over her chest, trying to calm down. "It was before college. The guy I dated in high school."

"Oh, God ..."

Her bottom lip trembled and tears filled her eyes. "You got out of it in time, Viv. I didn't."

"Lala ..." I stood up to hug her, which, thankfully, she let me do, but not for long.

Laura shook her head, and pulled back, but only to look straight into my eyes as she explained: "At first, he would order for me at the restaurant. I thought it was chivalrous. Then, he controlled what I wore outside. I thought it was just jealousy. Then he would subtly convince me to bail on my friends. I thought it was romantic, he wanted me all to himself ... until he successfully cut me off from everyone else in my life."

I had no idea this had happened to her. She never spoke about it and she never looked like a victim of abuse. Never. "What happened next?" I was almost afraid to ask, but I had to.

Laura went to sit on the bench again, and took a deep breath. "I was a difficult teenager, always fighting with my mom. He convinced me to run away with him." She paused, but only to smile bitterly. "I thought it was the ultimate proof he loved me. But the truth is, I simply let him get full control over me."

I went to sit beside her, and hugged her. "I'm sorry, I never knew ..."

"I never told anyone. I only told Nick like, last month." She glanced at me. "We had a fight, you know."

"What?"

"It was a difficult moment of our relationship. The pregnancy, the delayed wedding, you, Chris ..." She sighed. "Nick couldn't understand why I resented Chris so much. He thought Chris simply fucked up but ultimately he loved you. I kind of pushed Nick into a corner."

"How so?"

"Well, he had choose. Me or Chris."

"Oh, no ..."

"I shouldn't have." She shook her head. "I shouldn't have given him such an ultimatum, and he thought the same." She smiled, now a bit more cheerfully. "He spent one night away, then he came back and asked for more info."

I frowned, confused. "About me and Chris?"

"No ... about the reasons behind me hatred for Chris."

"I always thought it was just a general dislike, or even some sort of ... competition between best friends."

Laura nodded. "That's what Nick thought, too. Then he said he couldn't wrap his head around it, said he knows me for being a pretty logical person, he couldn't believe I would hate someone, a close friend no less, for no reason at all. So, he wanted to know whether something happened."

For a moment, I didn't understand, but thinking about it, I read between the lines. "He thought Chris did ... something to you?"

"Yeah ..." she heaved a deep sigh, "you know Nick, mostly quiet and nice to everyone, but highly protective." I nodded, half smiling. I always thought Nick was one of the last real gentlemen left. Kind of an old soul in a young body. "So, I told him the story I just told you."

"Why did you never tell me?"

"Like I said, I told no one." She pursed her lips for a moment, the grabbed my hand and entwined our fingers. "My point is, you're kind of lucky because you got out of it in time, before the actual violence started." She let out a shaky breath. "I didn't. I stayed almost a year, unable to believe it was really happening to me. I convinced myself it was my fault, I made him mad and pushed his limits. It took me a long time to realize it wasn't my fault."

"Of course, not."

"One day, when he was at work, I packed my things and went back to my mom's. He tried to get me back, but he renounced pretty quickly after ... well, after he nearly got lynched by a group of construction workers."

"Wait, what?"

"My mom," she shrugged, "she's never been good at keeping secrets. She told her best friend, the woman told her brother, the brother told his buddies at the construction site where he worked. Long story short, a group of 5 well-built construction workers paid Jared a visit, told him to stay away or else ... I never saw him again."

I couldn't help but smile as I left my head on her shoulder. "I always knew your mom was cool."

"Yeah, well, you know that woman's brother? The guy that put together the strike team?" Laura laughed.

"No ..." I grinned, "your stepdad?"

"Indeed." She nodded. "Kind of a fairy tale born out of a nightmare. Very romantic."

We both laughed, unable to believe the weirdness of the story, but happy it turned out that way. I felt guilty for never even realizing she'd been through such things, but I was glad she seemed over it. "Is everything okay between you and Nick now?"

"Yeah," she nodded, smiling, then looked at me. "Listen, I know I'm riding you hard on his, but ... I just want you to be safe." She squeezed my hand. "I nearly lost you 2 or maybe even 3 times in the span of a year, you can't keep playing these games with my heart."

I placed a wet kiss on her cheek. "You'll never lose me, Lala." We both took a deep breath and soaked in the warmth of the day. "Let's go get some ice cream." I suggested with a small smile.

Laura laughed and rolled her eyes. "Only if you promise not to eat it all before we even leave."

"You have my word." I said solemnly as we headed out of the park. As we walked, I couldn't shake off the feeling of unease that had settled in my gut. Laura's words kept replaying in my mind – "I nearly lost you 2 or maybe even 3 times". The truth was, she wasn't exaggerating. My life had taken a dangerous turn, yet paradoxically, it wasn't Sebastian's fault. More than anything, I couldn't help but wonder whether she was right. Did I get out of it in time?