Chapter 30

"Her name was Lola." Sebastian mentioned, dropping back against a nearby tree. "She came from a wealthy family, but her father didn't think she was worth wasting college money on, so when she turned 18 he arranged for a marriage with another dentist that was twice her age." His smirk was more than disdainful, it was full of hatred. "Goes to prove that money and doctorates don't buy decency. The difference between poor and rich is that when you're poor, you're a rotten piece of crap with no morals, but when you're rich ... you can justify everything with protecting your hard-earned fortune." He wasn't wrong there.

"Tell me about her." I murmured, not really wanting to buy time, but genuinely interested in his backstory. Maybe I'm foolish for always believing there's good in everyone, but even though the criminal side of him that he was forcing himself to hide scared me, I still couldn't stop believing that the Sebastian I knew was real. Maybe I'm a masochist, I enjoy believing in the wrong people.

"What would you like to know?"

"What was she like? How did you meet?" When he looked at me, I added: "You say I remind you of her, I'd like to know why."

He half smiled. "Lola didn't want to marry so young, but her father didn't think she had a say in the matter, so she ran away the day after her 18th birthday." His smile widened the slightest as, clearly, he thought of her. "She was smart."

I nodded to myself. "As a legal adult, even if they found her, they couldn't force her to go back to her dad."

"Exactly." Sebastian heaved a deep sigh. "You'd think she hit rock bottom and went back to daddy, but no ... she managed to create her own life without his money." He pursed his lips, lowering his glance. "Then she went and ruined it by falling for me."

"Was she happy?" I couldn't help but ask, which made him look back up at me. "I mean, with you, was she happy with you? Did you treat her right?"

"Yes, but-"

"Then I don't see how that was a mistake."

"She had no business with a low life like me. Hell, when we met, I had nothing, no money whatsoever."

"Yeah, cos that's all women want in a man. Money." I rolled my eyes, annoyed that he would even think that.

"I didn't say that." He chuckled lightly. "But even when we met, I was no saint. I had already been in and out of jail a few times for crimes you would be appalled by."

The revelation made me shudder, yet at the same time his candid confession put him under a gentler light. "She loved you nonetheless."

He shook his head. "She thought she could change me, veer me onto a more ... legal life."

"Was she wrong?" I wondered out loud.

"In terms of willful change ... no, she wasn't wrong." He looked back up for a moment. "But when darkness chooses you, you don't have any other choice but to embrace it." Sebastian claimed. "In my line of work, you don't just retire ... you get retired, if you understand what I'm saying."

"Even when you're at the top of the food chain?"

He smirked slightly. "Especially when you're at the top of the food chain. There's always some younger wannabe badass gunning for the throne." He sent me a meaningful glance. "If Michael couldn't make it out of the business without losing everything, what makes you think I can?"

"Well, for starters, that was a movie, not reality. Secondly, he did lose his daughter and that pushed him out of the business for good."

"We don't know that." He shook is head. "We're shown his death, not his life after Mary's death."

"Details." I rolled my eyes, suddenly forgetting my ex had basically abducted me and cops were probably looking for us. There was a part of me that craved to know more about the man behind the crimes, as if to justify him somehow, which kind of proved I got so used to toxicity that I couldn't even see my life without it.

"You're saying I'm choosing to stay in the business."

"I'm saying there's always a choice. You made yours, Lola made hers."

"She chose wrong." Those three simple words confirmed that he felt guilty about her death.

"She chose you in spite of everything, if that's not true love, I don't know what is."

He shook his head. "When we met, she was in community college because she couldn't afford anything else. She wanted to become a kindergarten teacher." He clenched his jaw, but this time, evidently, mad at himself only. "She was a firecracker, sweet but badass. Lola did what she wanted, no matter what people said, she made her own choices."

"One of which was you."

"And that was the worst of all." He laughed hysterically. "She had a bright future ahead, she had no business being with a low life like me."

"You said you made her happy, treated her right."

"Happiness isn't everything, Vivian."

"Only someone who has forever denied himself the right to happiness would say such a thing."

"I haven't." He shook his head, eyeing me attentively. "Otherwise, I wouldn't be here." Hard to miss the hint right there. I wanted to defend Lola's choice to stay, and I accidentally found out the truth for his presence here.

Nevertheless, I preferred to deflect. "You told me she died in unfortunate circumstances ..." I didn't want to add onto his pain, but I was curious as to what happened to Lola. At the same time, it served to avert the subject from me.

"The unfortunate circumstances that led to her death were, in order, falling for me and deciding we should be together." Sebastian claimed kind of coldly, yet I felt like it wasn't because he didn't feel anything at all, but because, on the contrary, he felt too much. Clearly, the memory of Lola was still too strong and it had a tight hold onto him.

"I ... don't understand." I said for the umpteenth time.

His jaw kept twitching in anger, especially when he balled up his fists. I couldn't help but wonder whether right now a battle for control was raging within him. A battle between Sebastian and Tyler, that is. In the end, he exhaled, mentioning: "She took a bullet that was meant for me."

I couldn't help but gasp loudly, so much so that even though I covered my mouth almost immediately, he still glanced at me. I expected him to be mad, instead he gave me the same sad smile I saw the first time he brought up the subject months ago. "Like I said, Lola was a firecracker," he said, "no matter how many times I tried to convince her I was no good for her, she didn't want to hear it of leaving. She stayed no matter what. And in the end, she paid the worst price for her stubbornness. Because one night, we were just coming out of a restaurant, and someone had the balls to take a shot at me. Lola didn't even hesitate, as soon as she saw the gun, she put herself in between. There was nothing I could do, she bled out in my arms."

I wasn't sure whether it was the pregnancy hormones, but his recount made me want to cry more than anything. I covered my mouth to avoid sobbing. "She was brave."

"She was crazy." He clenched his jaw, Tyler making an appearance, as if to shield Sebastian from the pain of those remembrances. "But like I said, never touch the Queen if you don't want to face the King's wrath." He said coldly. "Lola may have bled out in my arms in a matter of minutes, but who killed her got a way worse fate."

At this point I had to wonder whether it was a multiple personality disorder or just a coping mechanism. Because every time he went too deep into his emotions, the criminal side of him promptly resurfaced. Or maybe Tyler was the real him and I was just fooling myself, believing the Sebastian I knew was ever real and not a made-up personality exploited to convince me I could trust him.

Shaking my head lightly, I thought about Lola's sacrifice. "She loved you." I couldn't help commenting, mostly because I understood how she must have felt. I did spend the past 20 years of my life next to a man I loved unconditionally, didn't I? I did stay even though multiple people made me notice how he was manipulating me and toying with me, didn't I? Not that I believed Sebastian did the same to his Lola, but I could understand her perspective. When you love like we did, no one and nothing can keep you from your significant other, despite every sign of the contrary.

"Too much for her own good." Sebastian sighed, gazing at the sky even though from his perspective it was probably hidden by foliage. Now as ever he looked vulnerable, he even closed his eyes for a moment. I should have probably taken that chance to run away, but be it that I was beginning to be sure he meant no harm to me, be it that I was still partly afraid he'd go after my friends and family, I remained seated on the bench.

"There's no too much when it comes to love." I murmured, talking more to myself than to him.

Sebastian cracked a small bittersweet smile. "One could argue that some people love too much. So much that it becomes life or death."

"That's not love." I shook my head confidently. "When you start thinking the other person is yours and yours only despite their opinion on the matter, that if you can't have them, no one can ... that's not love. That's obsession. Love involves freedom of choice more than people would like to admit. If they don't even take your opinion in consideration, if it's always their way or the highway, if they're in charge and you're just a pet to them, or an extension of their ego ... that's not love. At best, it's obsession. At worst, it's pure toxicity. And by definition love is not, cannot be toxic. Love is the purest of emotions, if there is a chance that it's toxic, then it's not love, you just mistook it for love."

"So, if someone were to ... say, systematically chase away his best friend's boyfriends and any other man interested in her despite never taking a step towards a real relationship and still continuing to date other women ... that wouldn't be love, would it?" Even if I hadn't caught the meaning behind his highly specific words, his intense gaze as he stared at me would have tipped me off.

"It's ... different." I mumbled, looking away, even though I didn't quite believe it myself.

"On the contrary, I believe it's quite the same." Sebastian claimed calmly, his gaze now lost in the void above him. "There's a fine line between love and obsession, but while a toxic love can lead to obsession, obsession never stems from real love. Like you said, love is the purest of emotions. If it's toxic, then it's not actual love."

"You're saying Chris was obsessed with me."

"I'm saying there's unconditional love that knows no bounds, and there's convenience." His blue eyes pierced through me when he looked back into my browns. "I don't mean to hurt you, Vivian, but let's face it, a man that keeps you prisoner of your own bond with him doesn't really love you, does he?"

Even taking a deep breath seemed to hurt my ribcage. I've been so used to my aching heart, especially lately, that I almost didn't feel it anymore, that physical pain became part of me. Yet being thrown face first into the fact that what Chris and I had was an illusion, that he either never meant it or he meant it in a toxic way felt like being drowned in a river made of my own feelings.

"You yourself admitted to trying to separate me and Chris." I mumbled, barely audible.

"I never said my love was pure." Sebastian smirked a little, but more ironically than evilly. "However, I would have still let you choose in the end." Once again, that blue ocean fixated on me as he claimed: "Or rather, I will let you choose." He smiled more gently. "Despite what you may still think, I didn't come here to abduct you and force you to be mine."

"Why did you come here, then?"

Sebastian laughed for a moment. "You really are just like Lola, always contradicting me and asking difficult questions, always keeping me on my toes."

"Don't you think that ... maybe ..." I dared mention, "that's exactly why you think you love me?" I bit my bottom lip, unsure whether I should even say it out loud. "When did she ..."

"Three years ago."

"It's a fresh wound."

"You think I fell for you because you remind me of her and I still struggle to move on."

I lowered my glance. "I think your love for her is still strong, which is absolutely normal. But I also think your feelings for me are mostly driven by the striking resemblance you see between me and her."

He smiled a bit more openly. "Lola would have probably said the same thing." However, he shook his head. "But I believe I'm old enough to read my own heart and know what I want." He stared straight into my eyes. "And what I want is you, Vivian." Sebastian claimed without ever breaking eye contact.

"I ..."

"That's the whole reason I'm here." He walked over to me, and crouched before me, taking my hands in his. "I stayed away only to fix my particular problems in New York, but I always knew you were safe and sound. Now that everything is fixed, you can come back as a queen, as my Queen." Sebastian stated. "I will not force you and I will not hold any grudges if you refuse, there won't be any collateral damage if you turn me down. You have my word."

"But ...?"

"But nothing," he smiled kind of sweetly, "I am simply here for you ..." his gaze travelled to my belly, "and him." My heart skipped a beat, as if part of me still hoped I could hide this pregnancy for him. "I love you, Vivian, and I will love our child. I will protect both with my life if need be. You just need to say yes ... then you'll be a queen carrying a little prince."