Chapter 19

I can't have heard it right, it's not possible. My Chris would have never left me to grieve my unrequited feelings for so long without doing anything to avoid it. Knowing what I felt, my Chris would have done all he possibly could to spare me the heartache. He wouldn't have spent years talking to me about his girlfriends, confiding to me, asking for advice, even relying on me to fix his relationship problems.

He cannot have possibly been fully aware of everything I felt, since the start even. Ten years of him nonchalantly telling me about this and that girl he found cute, how his dates went, how he was falling for this and that, how he hoped it might work. Ten years of him coming to me first whenever he found someone he liked, ten years of him not sparing one single detail about his love life. All of that cannot have possibly been intentional. All of that cannot have been done with full knowledge of my feelings. I refuse to accept it.

"You ..." my voice was barely audible, "you knew?" I staggered back, kind of wanting to get away from him. Because that wasn't, could not be my Chris. My Chris would have never hurt me intentionally, he would never let me cry my heart out of him.

Chris heaved a deep sigh, taking a step closer to me, as if attempting to grab my hand, but I pulled it behind my back, to avoid every kind of touch. The sad look on his face might have worked in other circumstances, but even I could see that sadness was mostly due to sense of guilt. "Vivy, I ..."

"Since when?" I asked in a murmur, once again bracing myself and putting some physical distance between us, to make sure he would not be able to use my own stupidity against me.

"Vivy ..." Chris took a step closer.

I shook my head, my body stiffening. "Since when, Chris?"

He sighed, raking a hand over his face. "I don't know ... junior year?" My eyes opened wide. "It was Latasha, she ... she made me look closely."

"Latasha?" I repeated. "You mean your ex-girlfriend Latasha?"

"We didn't really date." There he went again with that guilty look on his face. "I only told you we did because you saw us together, but ..."

"It was just sex, wasn't it?"

One more sigh as he dropped back against the counter. "It would have been more, maybe. But she said she didn't want to ... interfere."

"I don't understand. What are you talking about?"

Chris pursed his lips. "Latasha and I went on a few dates, and there was sex, yes. But after the fifth date, she said she didn't want to keep going."

"Because of me?" I frowned. I barely remember Latasha Thompson, they only dated for a few weeks, but what I do remember is that she was the nicest one. Among all the girlfriends he's had, Latasha was definitely the nicest, at least to me.

"Somebody told her who you were, and she saw us together, she said ..."

"What does that have to do with-"

"I'm just saying, I started paying attention because she made me." Chris confessed. "Latasha told me to look closer, there was something you were hiding, and when I didn't understand she just ..." he sighed, "the point is, it was junior year."

Ten years. Not one less. It wasn't a sudden revelation a few months ago, after all the nights I spent awake cuddling him to sleep, trying to soothe his heartbreak after Karen. It wasn't four years ago, when Brian broke up with me and I didn't want to admit why. Ten years. Ten damn years. He almost knew even before I did.

This can't be real. I felt like I was about to faint. "Ten years." I murmured, out of breath. "You knew all this time, and never even thought about telling me? Not even once?"

"You know I couldn't." Chris sighed. "And I didn't for the same reason as you didn't tell me." He claimed. "I didn't want things to change between us, Vivy," he gave me one of his puppy looks, "I didn't want to lose you."

"And your best solution was to keep there unaware?" I spat, my bottom lip quivering. I felt like crying, but I didn't want to. The man in front of me wasn't my Chris, he couldn't possibly be. The same guy that held me close whenever I was scared, comforted me when I was sad, the same guy that promised my parents to protect me no matter what couldn't be the same person that left me agonizing for all these years, never even considering the possibility that I ought to know. Or, at the very least, taking countermeasures to lessen my heartache.

"I didn't know what else to do." Chris claimed. "I couldn't endure losing you, Vivy, you know that."

"But you could endure testing my strength, seeing just how far could I go, how much of your rants about this and that girl I could bear until it finally broke me."

"That's not true," Chris tried to come closer again, but I kept stepping back every time he stepped forward. "Vivy ..."

"Don't even come near me." I shook my head, starting to sob. "How could you do this to me, Chris? How?" I wailed. "All the times we slept together, all the times we acted like ... like ... oh, my God, how we treated each other, it was basically a relationship! How could you keep that up while knowing what I felt?!"

"I didn't want to lose you." He kept repeating. "I ... I just thought if I ignored it, it would eventually go away."

"Like an insect crawling in your bathroom?" I nearly yelled. "My feelings were just a bug you wanted to disappear as fast as possible?!" I sniffled. "Well, they didn't, Chris, because that's not how it works. Especially not when you kept on ..." I shook my head, full on sobbing, "do you even realize what you've done to me, Chris?"

"I'm sorry I lied, but it was for the best." He insisted, taking yet another step towards me. "We need each other, you know we do."

"But not like this." I blurted out among sobs. "Not like this, Chris. Not like this."

"Like what then?" He spread his arms wide open. "Do you really think that facing the conversation would have helped?"

"Yes!" I shouted. "And it's really absurd how you cannot see it!"

"Then why didn't you ever confess?" He shrugged. "In ten years, you could have come clean, told me the truth, yet you didn't."

"Listen to yourself," I grimaced at his choice of words, "talking about me coming clean, as if I wronged you somehow, as if my feelings were an offense to you."

"That's not what I meant ..."

"I lived for you, Chris." Now I was crying almost silently. "I held back myself in more than one occasion, just for you."

"I apologized about San Francisco,I-"

"San Francisco is only the tip of the iceberg." I pointed out. "Or you've never even noticed just how much my life has revolved around you all this time?" I held up my hand to count, although even I hadn't pieced it all together until now. "All the dates missed, the failed relationships, the times I chose you over Laura." The latter one really stung, especially because I know Laura sometimes resented me for it. Of course, we always made up, but it remains that I've kept on choosing Chris over everyone and everything else these years. And for what? To be thrown face first into the simple fact that the man I considered the love of my life didn't even think twice about pushing his own agenda.

"You kept me there like a toy, Chris." I murmured, almost out of breath. "You pretty much left me there like the old faithful dog you could abandon every time without worrying about losing it."

"Viv, come on ..." once again he tried to touch me, but I pulled back. I could not endure his touch right now. One of the things I've loved the most in my life, his hugs, had become just a symbol of his betrayal.

"I've given you everything, Chris. Everything." I sobbed. "And you couldn't even be honest with me."

"Coming from you, that's rich." He argued. "You never once even tried to tell me the truth."

"I was afraid I would lose you!" I yelled.

"So was I!"

"That didn't stop you from intentionally breaking my heart over and over again, though." I pointed out. "I repressed my feelings as I helped you get with this or that girl, fix this or that relationship. I spent hours listening to you talk about another woman. Do you even realize how painful that was?"

"I know, and I'm sorry, but-"

"You dated my own roommate, Chris. On top of all the relationships you threw into my face, the one with a girl I saw every single day." I guess it was time to say it all. "Why do you think I was never around when you came over to spend the night with her? Why do you think I always slept at Laura's when you slept at my place with Karen?"

"I know, and I'm sorry ..."

"Sorry doesn't cut it, Chris." I used the back of my hand to dry my tears. "Not anymore. Not after ten years of willful lies and all sorts of ways with which you destroyed my heart."

Silence reigned for some time, something between a few seconds and a couple of minutes, I'm not sure. My head kept mulling and mulling over all those episodes happened in a span of ten years. Every single relationship, every single one of his actions, I kept seeing everything, and now it was under a different light. When your best friend keeps you to himself but it's not romantic love, you call it possessiveness, even the jealousy of a brother. But what do you call it when he keeps you all to himself even while knowing full well how you feel about him? What do you call it when, at times, he uses your own feelings against you, to get what he wants?

I didn't realize I'd closed my eyes until I felt his touch but didn't see him. When I did reopen them, I realized Chris had closed the gap between us. He cupped my cheeks, leaving his forehead against mine, like so many other times in the past. His voice did sound pained and it did brim with sense of guilt when he spoke: "I'm really sorry, Vivy. I didn't mean to hurt you, I never would. I was selfish and stupid." He whispered. "I know it's not enough, but it's all I can say. I hope you'll forgive me someday."

Will I? I really don't know. "I need time." I murmured.

"Time?"

I did for the first time what I would have never dared before – I pulled back from Chris, from his intoxicating scent, his inebriating touch. "I need time away from you." I admitted, not even looking at him. I guess London really couldn't have come at a more perfect time.

"You can't be serious." Chris gasped.

"I'm leaving for London in two weeks." I announced, not even really feeling anything other than the numbness of my broken heart, despite tears still welling in my eyes.

"London?" He gasped. "What? When did you decide that?"

"A few days ago. Adam mentioned my name to his old boss in London, they want me to start next month. It'll only be four months at first. Then, if they like how I work ..."

"That's ..." Chris shook his head, "no, that's not possible. You're making it up."

"Why would I?"

"To ... get back at me, I don't know." He sounded hysterical. "You would never leave like that." He started pacing. "This is whole him, isn't it?"

"Him? You mean Adam? He was kind enough to-"

"No." Chris stopped pacing to look me dead in the eye. "Sebastian." He spat, his tone brimming with disdain. "That's his name, right? Sebastian."

"Sebastian has nothing to do with this." He doesn't even know about London yet. We've only been going out for a week or so, I'm not even sure I owe him anything, let alone considering him part of the equation in deciding to leave the country for four months or not.

"Of course, he does!" Chris shouted, seemingly getting angry. "He's got everything to do with this! He's the reason you disappeared this week. And he's the reason you're ditching me."

"I'm not ditching you, Chris," I corrected, my heart feeling heavy at the sole idea, despite everything, "but I do need some time away from you."

"Because of him."

"Because of what you just confessed!" My ribcage echoed with the anger of my words. "Chris, I just found out the love of my life left me agonizing in my own one-sided feelings for ten years! While knowing full well just how much I was hurting! Don't you think I need a break?!"

"Not from me."

"I do." I restarted crying. "Or I might end up hating you."

"This isn't the Vivian I know." He ranted, completely ignoring my words.

"I could say the same about you." I murmured, but once again it got lost. It seemed he wasn't even listening anymore.

"One week with that guy, and you're already a totally different person. You go behind my back, ignore my calls and texts, you lie to me. You even hooked up with a guy you just met! The Vivian I know never would."

"The Vivian you know never did because she was too busy doing what you wanted, pandering to your needs, Chris." I pointed out, anger once again mounting as it mixed up with pain.

"My Viv wouldn't sleep around."

"My Chris wouldn't break my heart every single day."

He shook his head, as if not wanting to hear the harsh truth. I would have sworn I saw his jaw clench and unclench, until he spat out the words I would have never expected from him: "My Viv wouldn't act like any slut out there."

At that, I saw red, inevitably. I didn't even think it twice, my hand collided with his cheek immediately. I slapped Chris for the first time ever. "You better withdraw those words before you cross a line you can't come back from."

His lips trembled for a second or two, and I really hoped he would just say he'd spoken out of anger, that he would never think such things of me. But he didn't. "Truth hurts." Was all he said.

I felt stabbed right through my ribs, completely unable to wrap my head around what just happened, how could this insensitive, angry asshole could possibly be the same Chris I've loved for so long, the same guy that, despite everything, took care of me. Was I so blind? Did I seriously make up a whole persona, does the Chris I love only exist in my imagination?