Chapter 18

VIVIAN

"We need to talk." Chris said, looking rather serious.

I dropped the knife I'd been using to cut the oranges for the mimosas, and turned around slowly. When I heard the front door close, I knew Adam had played mediator as usual. I didn't answer at first, my heart was beating in my throat, and at the same time it broke at the sight of a disheveled Chris, evidently upset and in pain. It's true that we have barely seen each other this week, but I wasn't prepared to such a miserable sight.

He took a couple of steps closer, barely attempting a smile. "I think it's about time."

I crossed my arms over my chest, mostly to resist and not jump into his arms as I usually would. I need to move on, do what's best for me, and pining for him until the rest of my days simply isn't it. Especially not now that he's back with Karen. Do I really want to go back to those hours spent listening to him vent about her? Or her sending me death glare every time her boyfriend even only smiled tenderly at me? Do I really want that drama?

"Viv ..." Chris called, probably sensing I was putting up a barrier between us, physically and emotionally.

"I'm sorry I missed our anniversary." I murmured, eyes on the floor, because even only looking at him was difficult. What's kept me so long by his side, despite the unrequited nature of my feelings, was the fact that I was happy. That simply being around Chris felt like enough, spending time with him was a blessing, and the joyous moments outnumbered the painful ones.

But now it feels like the opposite. Like pain outpowers joy, because every time I think about him, I see him entangled with Karen, I hear her moans, I see the way she maliciously looked at me, as if establishing her territory, claiming victory. It's not a cheating, it's not, because we've never been a couple, yet it feels like one.

"I'm sorry I haven't been around as much as I should have." Chris countered, coming to stand just a few inches away from me.

I dug my nails in my skin not to say the words, but they tumbled out of my mouth regardless: "It's fine, relationships take up a lot of time."

"Relationships?"

I closed my eyes. "There's no need to pretend, you know." I murmured, tired of a heart that wouldn't cease aching. I let out a shaky breath. "I'm happy if you're happy."

"Except I'm not." Chris argued, and I felt like a sharp electric shock curse through my veins when he grabbed my arms to disentangle them. "How could I be happy without you?"

"Chris ..."

He pulled me into his arms, embracing me, and left his face behind my back. "I missed you so bad, Vivy."

"I've always been here."

"We've barely seen each other, barely talked." Chris pointed out. "It's like I lost you without even knowing why."

Normally, my arms would have wrapped around his shoulder, I would have returned his hug all too gladly. I would have basked in that intoxicating scent of his, especially because I missed him, too, more than I could possibly allow myself to. But I couldn't. For once in my life, I need to stick to my decision. "You didn't lose me," I murmured, trying to measure my words because talking without emotion wasn't as easy as it may seem.

"Even now, you're not really glad to see me."

I heaved a deep sigh, making mad efforts to maintain control. I would have much preferred to have a little warning, prepare for this meeting. Ambushing me like that was really insensitive from Adam's part. How could he expect me to face his brother abruptly like that?

"Vivy ..."

"I am." My bottom lip quivered. "I am ... I will always be glad to see you, Chris, you know that." Even breathing was becoming difficult. "But ..." for the first time in 20 years, I pulled back from his touch. "Like I said, I'm happy if you're happy. But ... I can't ..." Tears started streaming down my cheeks. "I don't want to lose you, Chris, but it's getting way too hard for me, and now Karen ..."

"Karen?" He sounded confused.

"You don't need to hide it."

"I'm not hiding anything." He grabbed my hand. "Viv, is it really because of her? I told you, we're not back together."

"You didn't tell me anything." I looked up. "We've barely spoken. And it was partly my fault, yes. But you've also probably been busy with Karen."

"Viv-"

I held up a hand, wanting to speak until I could. "Believe me, I get it. I don't necessarily agree with it, but I get it. And as I keep saying, I'm happy for you if you're happy.

"No, no," he gripped my shoulders, "I texted you, Viv, to tell you me and Karen weren't back together. I don't know what Adam told you, but we're not together." He sighed, his grip relenting a little bit. "I mean, yes, we had a ..." he shook his head, as if reprimanding himself, "I stupidly fell back into her trap for a few days, but it was never supposed to lead to a relationship. Never."

I looked at him for a moment, so many of his words barely making any sense in my head. I didn't get any text from him, Adam only confirmed what I already saw, he didn't reveal anything secret. Would it be possible ... would Chris ever lie to me like that?

"When you hung up on me, I thought I'd lost you for good." He sighed, pulling me back in for a hug. "But I would never give up on you, Vivy. I don't know what you heard, what you thought, but you should know there's no one above you."

"When have I ever hung up on you?"

He frowned, looking at me. "Yesterday, you ..." he shook his head, "doesn't matter." He tightened his grip on my so much that it almost hurt. "All that matters is you."

How many times have I heard him say such things? Talking about how I am his everything, his universe, and it was never meant the way I wanted it to. I wriggled a bit, feeling uneasy, because I can't take it anymore, I can't listen to those same promises over and over again. It was probably unconscious, but part of me felt like only one thing would free me: "I met someone."

Chris didn't let go. "I heard. Sebastian." He murmured. "I don't care."

"Chris ..."

He pulled back slightly, but only to look straight into my eyes. He caressed my cheek, his green eyes brimming with heartbreaking emotions as he opened his mouth to say something, yet didn't speak. When he stroke my cheek softly, my heart went rampant. His mouth quivered a little as he seemingly sought the words to use, then he shut it. When his lips neared mine, as close as they've almost never been, I pretty much stopped breathing.

"Chris ..." I whispered, my chest rising and falling as expectations made my heartbeats more intense. I couldn't even break eye contact. Those green orbs kep78t me rooted in my place, unable to move or speak. Time froze as we looked into each other's soul, and I felt like he was doing it on purpose, as if to prove me that it doesn't matter who do I meet, who I dare try to forget him with. Nothing matters besides us. Once again, he was pulling me to his side, making me abandon my decision to move on.

His face neared mine so much that our lips, barely parted, almost grazed each other. But it wasn't possible, was it? Chris would never kiss me like that ... or would he? The way he was holding me, the way he kept trying to speak yet didn't seem able to find the right words, it felt like one of my dreams about us. Those dreams I had about him finally declaring his love for me. But this couldn't be it. I've made my peace with it, it's simply not meant to happen.

Besides, anything that could happen right now, as impossible as it may be, it would be unfair. There's Sebastian. He's so understanding, so sweet, so caring. I couldn't possibly betray him, even a simple kiss would be too much. Hence, I went to pull back, but before I could, Chris froze me. Not with a kiss, with one simple question: "What do you feel for him?"

I frowned, baffled. What kind of question is that? One moment his lips are hovering over mine, almost brushing them, and then he goes and asks me what do I feel for my boyfriend – if I can even call him that. I didn't answer right away, I wasn't even sure how to reply at all. I mean, it's been a week, one single week, ten days at most. What am I supposed to feel? I like Sebastian, I really do, but as for feelings, it's way too soon.

Chris pulled back in a sigh, leaving me with that familiar sense of emptiness, the one I get every time he pulls back from our hug, which had me embrace myself to feel warm again. He leaned against the counter, and raked a hand over his face. He shook his head violently, as if to delete an intrusive thought, then cleared his throat. "I'm sorry, that was unfair." He gave ma feeble smile. "Maybe Laura is right, I boss your around."

I crossed my arms over my chest, going to stand right in front of him. "Maybe you affect my decisions, but I like to think I can decide for myself most of the time."

"Can you?" He inquired, which took me off guard. "You renounced to San Francisco. You got stuck editing mediocre articles for a mediocre magazine just because I wouldn't leave New York."

"That's not true, I-"

"You barely had any relationships because of me." Chris admitted.

I pursed my lips for a moment. "Are you saying you intentionally sabotaged my love life?"

"It wasn't intentional, probably not even conscious." He rubbed the bridge of his nose, sighing. "I've always wanted the best for you, you know that."

"I do, yes." But I also know his expectations on men for me have always been way too high.

"But ..." Chris went on, as if he hadn't heard my reply, "well, maybe ... maybe it wasn't just about protecting you."

My eyes widened, suddenly Laura's words coming back to mind, all the times she told me that Chris' stubborn rejection of every single date I had didn't stem from overprotectiveness, it was good old jealousy. "What ... what do you mean?" I loosened my arms, taken aback.

"Viv, all these years ... all the times we ... all the times we slept in the same bed, literally cuddled, spooned each other ... did you ever ..." oh, no, "I mean, did you ..." he took a deep breath, "Viv, did you ever feel attracted to ... me?"

I felt my mouth dry, as if I'd suddenly gone through the driest desert ever known to humans. What triggered such a question? Where did it come from? All his talks about how he held me back, bossed me around, now this. I should have said the truth, it was the right moment, given the premises. I should have just gone on and admitted everything, without thinking about the consequences. "No." Instead I lied.

"No?"

"No." I don't know what he felt, it was difficult to read him right now, partly because my emotions were all over the place.

"Never?"

"Why are you asking me this?" I tried to counter, unable to save myself from either going deeper into the lie or just blurting it all out at once.

Chris lowered his head, shaking it repeatedly. "The main reason I can here today, other than because I missed you and I wanted to clear the air between us, is that I needed the truth to come out."

"What ... what truth?" Oh, come on, Vivian, you know very well what truth. How did he find out? Did Adam tell him?

Chris looked up at me, a pained looked on his face. "I'm sorry, Vivy, I should have been less selfish."

"Chris, what are you talking about?" I felt alarmed, because I somehow sensed where this conversation was going, and it could not possibly get there. No, I must be paranoid, it simply cannot be.

"It's been 10 years, Viv. And I knew all along, but I was so afraid I would lose you and-"

"You knew ... what?"

"The truth." He said simply.

"The truth?" I repeated, my heart agonizing as I tried to still believe I was imagining it all. If him kissing me, declaring his feelings for me was impossible, this revelation now was even less plausible. He wouldn't, no. My Chris wouldn't.

"You love me, Viv." Chris stated matter-of-factly. "As in you're in love with me. And I knew. I shouldn't have, and maybe I got to it because people pointed me to it, but I've known the truth for a long time. Probably since the start."