#58 Ship in the Night - Long San Oiche

I was a jittery mess of nerves the entire day, so lost in my own thoughts about being in the same space as Monroe that I lost track of time. Grace came from the kitchen to remind me I was off but I didn't notice as I stared straight ahead down the hallway and out the window.

Would Monroe notice his files were copied? Wouldn't there be security guards? Should I wear all black? A definite yes to the latter, my assortment of pastel White Pine tees that I wore everyday would have to sit this one out.

My back was to Grace when she tapped me politely on the shoulder causing me to jump a foot into the air. Grace gave me a peculiar look but didn't say anything and I took the moment to rush off to the cabin to get Frankie and Lyle.

We left after dinner anticipating our arrival in the city by nine.

The drive was quiet and I sat with my hands pressed under my legs as I stared out the passenger window of Lyle's hatchback. I'd elected to leave my phone at home. Even though Frankie promised he'd put encryption software onto all of my devices, there was no way I was going to give Monroe even the slightest chance of tracking me.

Lyle and Frankie spoke in quick sound bites as we entered the city limits. Frankie was the designated 'get away driver' which he confirmed by making loud car noises from the back seat surrounded by his computer and a trove of other gadgets. I tried asking what the random flashing lights indicated but Frankie seemed too in the zone to give me the low down.

I shivered involuntarily as Lyle made a right turn on Hampshire Street. It was close to nine o'clock and the lights of the closed stores illuminated the few people walking on the sidewalk. We were within blocks of X-Enterprises and I scanned the sidewalks as if at any moment I would catch Monroe walking down the street. Were our windows tinted? Would he be able to see us? I shivered again recalling his threat if I dared to enter the city limits.

Steeling myself I went over Lyle's rundown of Monroe's schedule, which she committed to memory days after the attack at Beth and Ivy's home. Promptly at seven pm Monroe rode the elevator to the lobby and exited through the front door where he was met by his chauffer. I pictured a shiny black town car with a chrome bumper and tinted windows, anything that conveyed power and prestige.

Was that why he choose to have an affair with my mother? As a power move? He married into his position so to speak but he was so arrogant he felt he could keep a mistress with little risk.

A mistress.

I didn't like the word in place of my mother. Did Monroe's wife know about his affair? She must not have – at least at the time – otherwise he wouldn't have been so intent on paying my mother off to leave when she got pregnant with me.

At the thought of Monroe handing my mother a check and telling her to leave my blood boiled. I imagined his apathetic hollow tone ordering her out of the room. Through her journal it was clear she fell for him, how and why I will never understand - could he have been different back then? A kinder, gentler Richard Monroe who at the time worked on the tenth floor of the massive building. Maybe it was power that turned him into such a monster.

The longest entry she wrote covered her feelings during and after Monroe offered to buy her silence. Offered was not the wording I would've chose, but it was clear she was reeling from his reaction. In total the entry was three pages with the first discussing the actual event in which she told Monroe she was pregnant and instead of being met with excitement as she expected he rounded his desk and produced a checkbook. I imagined the scene playing out much like the day I first visited Monroe. He was so eager to throw money at the problem that he hardly registered the look on my face.

Monroe talked her into a corner pitting her feelings for him against her and creating an atmosphere where the only logical choice for her was to take the money and leave. So she did. Over the countless times I read and reread Mo Soileireacht from cover to cover - even though I knew exactly how the story went - every time I came to this particular chapter of her – our life I felt my heart drop.

"How could I have been so foolish."

The sentence stood alone in the middle of the page, as if she paused and stared at the sentiment that had been so hard to come to terms with. A statement not a question. She knew the manipulation Monroe put her through.

It was heartbreaking to relive her devastation as Monroe held out a check for an arbitrary amount, but it was crushing to see the fight within my mother as she took the check from his hand. The exchange was a relinquishment of her strength, which at the time she felt had "dissipated from every inch of her skin and every muscle in her body".

After Lyle opened my eyes to the love she stood for I read her journal with different eyes. My current understanding was that my mother reaching out to Monroe was more dynamic because of her love for me.

The pain that she poured into her entry a year before the meeting at the Lily Pad Place said it all. She met with Monroe out of respect for herself. I truly believe that she wanted to prove to herself that the decision to take the check from Monroe would not define her life.

Why did Monroe kill her then? Why was her new found strength such a threat to him? Did she intend to expose their affair? Extort him for money?

I allowed theories to consume my mind for a bit before I pushed them aside. For now I was okay with the not knowing, there was so much I would never know or understand. But what I did know for certain - what I felt in my gut - was that my mother died in an attempt to redeem herself.

Lyle placed her hand over mine, the simple gesture bringing me back to reality as I took a deep breath in and out. I was not alone. I repeated the phrase in my head over and over again as Lyle slowed the car into a parking space half a block from X-Enterprises. In seconds, Frankie jumped out of the car taking his computer with him as he spilled onto the sidewalk.

I reached for the door handle to follow him when Lyle tugged on my hand. "Are you sure you're ok with this?"

"I could ask the same of you." I shot back gently, knowing Lyle's family history.

She let out sigh and smiled. We met halfway across the console to share a quick kiss before exiting the car.

As Frankie explained the least conspicuous path to Monroe's office, he pointed to his screen which was divided into nine boxes each showing a rotating view of a section of X-Enterprises. Thankfully an elevator was part of the plan. I took the best mental notes I could before Frankie's speech became so technical I lost track.

Lyle was listening and seemed to understand the jargon coming off Frankie's tongue in quick succession so I turned my back to the pair. Half a block down Hampshire street split. The right lanes going to an interchange in a five miles that would loop around leading the drivers South while the left lanes continued North.

In the night light X-Enterprises looked like a boat cutting through a sea of sparse night drivers as their lights reflected off the windowed façade. I followed the pristine reflection of the night sky up to the point of the top floor. Monroe's office. I fiddled with my locket as I ran over the plan once more in my head, trying to reassure myself that if anything went wrong at least Frankie could see us.

"Ready?" Lyle placed her hand on the small of my back and I turned around just as Frankie was settling himself back into the drivers seat of the car. He fished around in his flannel pocket for something before producing a dull red flash drive and dropping it into Lyle's hand.

"Don't fuck it up." He flashed a rueful smile before closing the door leaving Lyle and I alone on the sidewalk.

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Grade A pep talk Frankie