Chapter 6

Sutton was jolted awake by a slamming noise. She sprung up in bed, disoriented, trying to make sense of the loud noises in her bedroom.

Within three seconds, she remembered she was in her cabin at the retreat lodge, but her heart rate took a while to decelerate.

"What the fuck," came Ada's voice, scraping through the darkness to Sutton's right.

Debbie was giggling, the sound bubbling out of her throat. "Sorry," she said, laughing hysterically in the doorway, "everything's been really fun tonight!"

"Go to bed, Debbie," Sutton said wearily.

"I'm trying to," Debbie laughed, stumbling through the darkness, "but I wanted to go to bed with Wyatt. But you two are in here!"

Neither Sutton nor Ada responded. Sutton heard Debbie's mattress creak, heard her shoes drop to the floor. "I wanted to have sex with Wyatt," Debbie giggled.

"Shut--up--" Ada said.

Debbie made a strangled cat noise to mock Ada's annoyance. Then she broke into more laughter.

Sutton turned her head in the direction of Ada's bed. Ada had rolled over and was glaring across Sutton at Debbie, her dark eyes like pits.

"Just let her be," Sutton mouthed, the words escaping in the faintest whisper.

Ada shook her head in the darkness.

For a moment, Sutton was tense, wishing in frustration that Debbie would just shut up and pass out. But then the bathroom light flicked on behind her, and she heard the bathroom door click shut, and now it was quiet in the main room again.

It seemed to satisfy Ada, who had rolled back over. Sutton did the same.

She was falling asleep to the sound of the bathroom plumbing when there was another jarring noise--this time, a dead thud, followed by a half-curse, half-cry from Debbie.

"Are--you--kidding--me," Ada growled.

"Wait," Sutton said, sitting up again, "that sounded bad. Debbie?"

There was no response from the other side of the bathroom.

"Oh, Jesus, Lord," Ada huffed, throwing her quilt off and dragging herself out of bed. Sutton did the same, following Ada's path to the bathroom.

"Debbie?" Ada knocked.

Again, nothing.

"Just go in," Sutton said, pushing on the door.

"Okay, calm down."

They found Debbie passed out in a sitting position, her back against the wall and her head in her hands. There was a small bloodstain on the bottom of her tank top, near her hips.

"Debbie," Ada said, squatting down next to her. "Wake up."

Debbie grunted.

"Shake yourself awake, Debbie, we need to look at your cut."

"It's fine!"

"It's bleeding."

Debbie dropped her hands from her face and looked blearily at Ada. Her eyes indicated she'd had way more to drink than she should have.

"Let me look at your hip," Ada said. "Sutton, can you grab my glasses?"

"Yeah," Sutton said, hurrying away.

Debbie continued to grunt and groan while Sutton crossed through the cabin and back again. When she returned, Debbie had shifted her body so Ada could see her hip better.

"This is a shallow cut," Ada said, spreading her fingers over the skin, "but you're definitely going to bruise. What did you do?"

"I tripped."

"Into what?"

"I was peeing and then I got up and I tripped and fell into the shower faucet. It's not my fault because anyone who knows how to build a hotel should know that that shower faucet is in a dumb place."

"Stop talking," Ada said.

"God!" Debbie huffed. "You are so rude sometimes!"

"I'm trying to check your stupid injury."

"You don't have to be mean to me."

"I don't feel like being nice."

"I get it now," Debbie said, dragging her hands over her face again, "I get why Wyatt and Javier think you suck."

Ada froze. She held her hands in place on Debbie's skin. Sutton watched her blink. She watched her swallow.

"Ada," Sutton said.

"Can you get me a bandaid?" Ada said, not looking at her. "If they don't have any under the sink, I have some in my purse."

Sutton didn't press her. She stepped back and checked under the sink--there was nothing. She walked back into the room and over to Ada's bed. Her heart felt heavy.

She rustled through the contents in Ada's purse until she found the box of bandaids. She didn't let herself linger over the wallet she didn't recognize or the makeup bag with printed Dobermans on it--they were items that reminded her of how little she knew Ada now.

And yet.

When she stepped back into the bathroom, Ada was dabbing a wet tissue to Debbie's hip, her eyebrows knit in concentration. Debbie was frowning, her face comically smushed up in pain. She looked like a bratty five-year-old.

"Here," Sutton said, handing the bandaid over.

"Thanks."

"It stings!" Debbie whined.

"Debbie," Ada said, her voice firm but gentle now, "please stop moving. Everything's fine."

Debbie listened. Ada taped the bandaid over Debbie's hip, washed her hands, and pulled Debbie gingerly to her feet.

"Will you help me put her to bed?" she asked Sutton, her eyes begging.

Sutton helped her.

Debbie was asleep before they had even tucked the covers around her. They rolled her onto her side, facing the bathroom, and then stepped far away from her.

For a moment they were suspended in silence, neither one of them moving. The air around them felt heavy. Sutton's throat felt heavy.

"Ada," Sutton said, whispering through the darkness.

Ada didn't say anything. Nor did she turn her head.

"Ade," Sutton said.

Now Ada shifted, her body angling almost imperceptibly toward Sutton. Sutton tasted the echo of the old nickname on her tongue and swallowed the heaviness down.

"Let's go outside for a minute," Sutton asked.

Ada stood still, but after a second she nodded.

Sutton didn't know what time it was. Two in the morning, maybe three. The moon was out, halfway full. It was enough to illuminate the grass and flowers outside their cabin.

"Don't listen to her," Sutton said, after Ada had shut the door.

Ada stood adjacent to Sutton, her glasses shining in the moonlight. "I'm not."

"You are, though."

"I don't care what they think of me."

"I know."

"It's not like in high school when I was only pretending not to care."

Sutton paused. "I always thought you really didn't care."

Ada flicked her eyes away. "Deep down I did. Deep down I wanted everyone to like me."

Sutton said nothing. She listened to the insects chirping all around them, hidden away in the grass and trees.

Ada stubbed her flip-flop against the earth. "High school is so stupid. It's stupid when you're going through it and it's still stupid when you think back on it." She paused, then said the next part in a rush. "You know what sucks? I can't stop thinking about it lately. All those people keep showing up in my dreams. Even people whose names I can't remember. And Joey and Derek, and even fucking Bailey, and--"

Ada cut herself off and looked away from Sutton.

"And me?" Sutton said.

Ada breathed out slowly. "Yeah," she said, glancing lightning-quick at Sutton. "It's like--ever since you showed up in my life again, everything has come right back."

Sutton twisted her hands into her t-shirt. "I know."

They fell silent. Ada ducked her head and stared at the ground. Sutton crossed her arms over her chest and stared at the sky. There were masses of clouds, threatening rain for the next day.

"This is hard for you, too, right?" Sutton said, without taking her eyes off the sky.

She felt Ada shift next to her, but a long beat passed without her saying anything.

Sutton finally looked at her. "Right?" she repeated, her voice wavering.

Ada looked back at her. Her eyes were bare behind her glasses.

"Of course it is," she said, her voice pulsing.

Sutton's heart thumped in her chest, making it hard to breathe. She was aching to touch Ada. To hug her, to play with the baby curls at the nape of her neck, to...

"Sutton," Ada said. Her chest was rising and falling fast. Sutton couldn't help but look at her mouth, couldn't help but notice Ada looking at her mouth in return.

They kept standing there, and the moment swelled, and Sutton waited for it to burst.

But it didn't. Too much time passed. Suddenly the moment was over. Suddenly they were stuck.

Ada turned her head away. She popped her jaw, like she was trying to shake off a feeling.

Sutton pulled away, frustrated and exhausted. She kicked her flip-flops against the dirt.

They stood apart for a half-minute, both of them lost.

"I'm going back to bed," Ada said.

She walked off. Sutton didn't call her name.

It's starting to feel like Fall. Everyone is at Joey's bonfire and all Sutton can smell is charred wood. That smoky smell, like she's up in the mountains.

Everything is crisp. The air and the damaged leaves on the ground. The sound of her voice when she calls across the fire. The feel of her jeans when she moves, like they're still not used to crinkling and breathing after months of being tucked away in her dresser.

But Ada's touch is not crisp. It's soft and worn in.

It's chilly tonight and Ada is hugging Sutton to her. She has Sutton pulled up against her, Sutton's stomach to Ada's lower back. She has Sutton's arms hooked around her, has Sutton's hands tucked into the front pocket of her hoodie--the pocket Ada calls 'the kangaroo pouch.'

Their friends don't say anything about it. They're used to Sutton and Ada being like this. Like two best friends who can't be away from each other.

Ada squeezes Sutton's fingers inside the hoodie. She jitters in place, trying to stay warm, so Sutton squeezes her fingers harder and buries her head on Ada's shoulder, her cheek brushing against Ada's hair, the hair Ada straightens for an hour every morning.

Joey brings them a thermos of beer to share. It tastes stale but it warms Sutton's throat when she drinks it. This is their second thermos. The empty one lays on the ground. Ada keeps toeing it with her Birkenstocks.

"I have to pee again," Sutton says.

"Pee here," Ada says.

"Come with me."

"Pee here."

Sutton jabs Ada's stomach until Ada bursts into a laugh and stills Sutton's hands. "Fine," she says. "Let's go. Joey, Derek, you need anything?"

The boys wave them off. Sutton pulls away from Ada and leads the way to the house, her shoes scraping over dead leaves and nettles.

"It's warm in here," Ada says when they step inside the basement. She follows Sutton into the bathroom, leaning her back against the door while Sutton plops down on the toilet.

"Beer is disgusting," Sutton says. "Why are we pretending to like it?"

"I do like it," Ada laughs. "Don't drink it if you hate it."

"No," Sutton brushes off, "it's not a big deal, I'm just saying."

"Just drink water and let everyone think it's beer."

"No, it's fine."

"Can you believe how cold it's gotten? God, I woke up this morning and I was like what the hell."

"You love cold weather."

"Doesn't mean it can't surprise me."

Sutton washes her hands and flicks the water at Ada, who has already stepped away from her reflexively. "Stop," Ada says, but she's laughing.

They're heading back outside when Ada stops. Sutton sees what's got her attention: the door to the storage room. Ada walks over to it without explanation and Sutton follows her, resigned.

"You know it's locked, Ade. It always is."

But Ada turns the doorknob--it moves--and looks at Sutton with a devilish expression. "Are you sure?"

Sutton raises her eyebrows and steps closer. Joey has never let them in here before, but he hasn't explained why.

"Do you think he forgot to lock it?"

Ada shrugs. "Come on."

They step into the storage room and Ada moves to flip the light switch, but Sutton grabs her arm. "He'll see the light."

"No he won't."

"He might. Use your phone."

Ada holds her Nokia out in front of her. Its light is limited, but it's enough to see a few feet ahead of them. They move farther into the room with Ada casting her phone over the darkness.

"Wait," Sutton says. "Is that--?"

"Oh--my--" Ada laughs.

There's a Bowflex machine in the corner, and on the concrete wall behind it is a collage of photos. All of Joey. All of Joey flexing, shirtless, with a serious expression on his face.

"They're all dated," Sutton says, half in awe, half in mockery.

"He's like--tracking his progress or something."

"Yeah. His progress to becoming Fabio."

Ada laughs. "Fabio? Who even knows about Fabio? You watch too much TV with your mom."

"Shut up. You know what I mean."

Ada shines her phone over the photos. Scrawny Joey illuminates on the wall.

"Think these are on his MySpace?" Ada jokes.

"Yeah, right. There's a reason he never let us in here."

"Boys are so fucking weird."

"I know," Sutton laughs, her heart surging into her throat all of a sudden, "that's why I don't like them."

Ada does that laugh she's been doing for the last month, the one she uses whenever Sutton makes these comments. She turns to face Sutton and kisses her forehead, just above the scar on her eyebrow.

"And that's totally okay," she says, her voice full of humor but somehow delicate at the same time.

Sutton touches her fingers to Ada's jawline. She stands on tiptoe and kisses her on the mouth. Ada smiles into it and kisses her back.

They've been doing this a lot lately--pretty much since senior year started. Sutton can't even articulate how they got to this point. They don't talk about it, but she knows neither one of them is afraid of it, either. It's just that this thing they've been doing doesn't have a name. It doesn't even have predictable rules. Sometimes they just start kissing, and the kissing turns to making out, and the making out turns to them giggling and hugging each other tight and sharing a weird, indefinable joy over the whole thing.

"We need to get back out there," Ada says.

Sutton sighs. "I know."

"So you can drink more of that beer you love."

"Shut up."

Ada laughs and kisses her one more time.

They woke at eight the next morning. Debbie groaned and rubbed at the skin above her eyebrows, complaining of a headache and stomachache. "It's like I bathed in whiskey," she whined. "Ugh, I need some water. I might still be drunk."

Sutton ended up sharing the bathroom with Ada as they got ready. She felt hyperaware of Ada's presence, especially after the night before. She had to make every effort not to bump elbows with her or accidentally make eye contact while she brushed her teeth.

Debbie was now lumbering around the cabin, her pajama pants on backwards, the ribbon drawstring hanging down past her butt. Sutton paid her no attention--she was too distracted by Ada, who was entirely focused on her contacts, foundation, eyeliner, and mascara. Sutton stood next to her at the mirror and tried not to watch her.

"Why is there a bandaid on my hip?" Debbie whined.

Neither Sutton nor Ada answered her.

"I'm out," Ada said abruptly, capping her lip gloss.

Then the cabin door shut and she was gone.

"Where does she get that energy from," Debbie said, shuffling into the bathroom. "It's like she's always rushing to catch a bus or something."

"She's always been like that," Sutton said, lost in feelings.

Debbie shook her head and squeezed toothpaste onto her toothbrush with one of her eyes still shut. "You two are weird little people."

Sutton got stuck walking to breakfast with Debbie, who had suddenly remembered her injury from the night before.

"Oh my god, I'm so embarrassed," she breathed, her voice much smaller than normal. "I never hurt myself when I'm drinking."

"Maybe you were just tired," Sutton offered.

"No," Debbie said, her posture deflating as she walked, "I drank too much because I was nervous around Wyatt."

Sutton was taken aback by her honesty. "Well..." she said, "Maybe you shouldn't try to be with someone who makes you that nervous."

"I know, but I really like him."

"Does he like you back?"

"I'm not totally sure. I think so..."

"You shouldn't be with someone who makes you doubt yourself."

"I am rationally aware of that," Debbie said. For the first time since Sutton had met her, there was an edge to her voice. "But our feelings don't always follow that line, do they?"

Sutton said nothing.

"Besides, Wyatt has his reasons."

"I'm sure he does."

"I'm not going to apologize for liking him."

"I didn't say you should."

Debbie huffed. "Sometimes we're drawn to people despite everything in the way," she said as they came upon the lodge center. "And when that happens, you just have to go for it."

They had an outdoor adventure course scheduled for after breakfast. It would be their final activity before they would board the shuttle back to Atlanta. Evan the adventure guide came to meet them in the conference room, where they were eating breakfast. He had brought along an assistant adventure guide to help. His expression, if possible, was even giddier than it had been the day before.

"Look at him," Debbie sniped, her eyes showing her hangover. "He's so happy. I want to throw these eggs at him."

"Jesus," Sutton said, starting to feel uneasy around this mean version of Debbie. "Calm down. Drink more water."

Evan and the assistant adventure guide, Abby, led them on a nature hike through the grounds of the property. It was a different route from the one to the river. These trails were clean and easy to follow, but narrow enough that they all had to file one-by-one behind Evan and Abby. Sutton trekked behind Wyatt and in front of Holly-Ann. She knew Ada was behind her somewhere, but she didn't know where.

Evan led them all the way to a waterfall on the far outskirts of the property. They gathered in front of it, most of them panting, Wyatt standing upright to prove how in shape he was. "This is the same waterfall Debbie and I found yesterday," he said, his hands on his waist. "I thought I recognized the path we were on. The trees looked familiar."

"Were their leaves distinct from all the other tree leaves we've seen?" Ada said, as if she couldn't help herself.

Sutton didn't bother hiding her laugh.

Behind Wyatt, Javier leaned his hand against a tree and coughed out, "I could have watched a waterfall on YouTube."

"But this is real nature," Debbie panted. "It's so, like, authentic and everything. Don't you feel amazing, unplugging from technology?"

"No," Javier rasped, "I feel sad."

Evan gave them time to take pictures and examine the plants around the waterfall. Wyatt dropped down to one knee and fingered the leaves of a short plant growing close to where they stood. "This one's a beauty," he said, rubbing his thumb over the plant as if he actually knew something about it.

"It's so cool how you're into connecting with nature," Debbie said. "We should all be more like that."

Sutton caught Ada's eye. They had to look quickly away from each other so they wouldn't start laughing again.

They trekked onward to the ropes course after that. They did a series of low-ropes activities that had the older folks all in a tizzy and the younger folks standing around unimpressed. Then Evan and Abby led them to a clearing in the midst of mammoth oak trees, where they stood beneath a canopy of watercolor-green leaves and gazed up at a tall construction of wooden beams.

"This baby is Jacob's Ladder," Evan said, with an air of introducing the eighth wonder of the world. "The idea is simple: you climb from one wooden rung upward to the next, just like a normal ladder, but the catch is the rungs are spaced farther apart the higher up you go. It gets more and more difficult to reach the next one. That's why this is the ultimate test of partnership: you'll need the help of another person to push or pull you up to the next rung, and you'll have to take turns helping each other."

Sutton could feel them all, as one, crane their necks back to see the summit of Jacob's Ladder. It must have been 50 feet up in the air, some 12 rungs above them.

"Man, I'm not scaling that," Javier said.

"You might not have to," Evan laughed. "Jacob's Ladder takes a while to complete, so I usually only choose a couple of pairs to try it. But because it takes a lot of morale to make it to the top, it still requires the participation of everyone on the ground--because you have to cheer on your colleagues, you follow me?"

"My foot's broken," Javier continued. "I'm ineligible to climb."

"All of a sudden?" Wyatt said. "How'd you walk all the way here?"

"Anyway," Evan interrupted, "Marta gave me a list of everyone's names earlier this morning. I've put each of your names on a slip of paper, and I have all the slips here in this bag--" he showed them a small leather pouch with tight strings pulling it together-- "so I'm going to pluck out two slips at a time. Whoever is chosen has to scale Jacob's Ladder with their partner. That way you don't get to choose the partner you might feel most comfortable with, right? You have to learn to trust anyone and everyone you work with."

"Oh my god," Debbie said dramatically.

"You'll wear a harness," Evan assured her. "Abby and I will belay you from the ground. It's totally safe."

"I didn't sign a waiver for this," Javier said.

"First up," Evan said, loosening the strings on his pouch. "Let's see--Craig! Where's Craig?"

After a pause, On-Delay stepped forward. He looked bored.

"Great," Evan said heartily. "Happy to have you, Craig! And here we go, your partner is gonna be--Michael? Do we have a Michael?"

"It's Mikey P.," Mikey groused.

"Alright man, cool, cool. This'll be a great pairing! Let's get you guys harnessed up!"

They watched in silence at the beginning. Mikey and On-Delay scaled the first few rungs with no problem. Sutton didn't think they even looked at each other. But about midway through the climb, when the rungs started to get farther apart, neither one of them could climb up on their own.

"Help each other!" Evan called, digging his heels into the dirt as he belayed On-Delay. "You can't reach the top otherwise!"

It was almost magical, the way Sutton's colleagues began to cheer. Their skepticism transformed into unified enthusiasm. Wyatt started yelling "On-Delay, On-Delay!" every other minute. Debbie clapped her hands together like a sorority girl while she shouted Mikey P.'s name. Even Sutton found herself clapping and cheering while she watched On-Delay and Mikey assist each other up the rungs. On-Delay would propel Mikey's foot upward until Mikey could climb awkwardly onto the rung, and then Mikey would reach down and pull On-Delay up after him. It was like something out of a cheesy sports movie, but it was getting to Sutton.

Their whole company cheered madly when On-Delay and Mikey reached the top. The two men high-fived each other and waved back down at the lot of them on the ground, and Wyatt and Holly-Ann and Marta whooped and hollered and led them all in cheering.

They took a minute to congratulate Mikey and On-Delay once they were back on the ground. Sutton could feel the high pulsing through all of them. Evan was grinning big as he watched them.

"Alright, alright," he said, clapping Mikey and On-Delay on the back. "I told y'all it would be fun! It's like crack for company culture, am I right, Marta?"

Marta looked momentarily confused, but then she clapped in agreement.

"Let's do one more round," Evan said. "If you think it's fun to cheer your teammates on the first time, you won't believe how much better it is the second time."

"My foot is still broken," Javier said.

Evan ignored him and opened his leather pouch again. "Hm," he said, staring at the slip of paper. "Well, that's a unique name. Where's Sutton?"

Sutton grimaced as everyone looked at her. She stepped forward and accepted a harness and a pat on the back from Evan.

"Great, great," Evan said. "So who's your lucky partner gonna be, Sutton?"

Sutton had a gut feeling about it, given the way things had been going. She held her breath while Evan plucked out the last name.

"Another unique name," he said, and Sutton knew.

Ada knew it, too. Her face fell before Evan even opened his mouth.

"Ada?" Evan said, and everyone looked round at her.

Ada stepped forward in silence, holding her skinny, bony hand out to accept her harness. To everyone else, her face must have looked impassive, even resolute--but Sutton knew her well enough to recognize the nervousness in her expression.

Sutton tried to make eye contact with Ada, but Ada wouldn't look at her.

Their colleagues started clapping and cheering for them as they donned their harnesses. Sutton grinned and pumped her fists in the air, giving in to their enthusiasm. Ada continued to stare impassively at the buckles of her harness.

Why wasn't she saying anything? Why didn't she tell them about her strangling fear of heights? Sutton wanted to intervene for her, but she remembered how angry Ada had been when Sutton had intervened on Friday night.

"Are you okay?" Sutton whispered as they stepped up to the first rung of the ladder, Evan and Abby having secured their harnesses.

"Fine."

"You can tell them about your fear of heights--"

"I'm fine."

"You don't have to prove anything, Ada."

"I'm. Fine."

"Fine, whatever," Sutton grumbled, stepping forward to climb onto the first rung.

Like Mikey and On-Delay, they climbed independently and silently for the first few rungs. Sutton actually climbed faster than she normally would have done, just because she felt a sudden burning desire to get away from Ada--or maybe to prove she didn't need her. But when she reached the sixth rung, she could no longer climb up on her own. She paused, huffing, looking down for Ada.

Their colleagues started to cheer louder for them. Javier was whistling and hopping up and down on a foot that was clearly not broken. Marta had her cell phone directed up at them; she was obviously taking pictures.

Ada finally climbed her way onto the same rung as Sutton. She looked shaken and unsteady. Her forehead had broken out in a sweat.

"I need you to push my foot up," Sutton told her.

"Okay," Ada said, nodding distractedly, her voice shaking.

Sutton reached up for the rung above her head; when she felt Ada push her foot up, propelling her upward, she pulled her upper body onto the rung, feeling her biceps burn. When she had secured herself on the rung, her colleagues on the ground yelled and whooped their approval.

"Come on," Sutton said, reaching back down to pull Ada up. Ada's eyes looked doubtful--scared, even--but she accepted Sutton's grip. Her palm was as clammy as Sutton's. Sutton clutched it and felt her skin heat as she pulled.

Ada shimmied her body upward, her brown arms shining in the sunlight that crept through the canopy of leaves.

"Okay?" Sutton asked, once Ada had settled on the rung.

Ada nodded very fast. "Yeah."

"Great. Same thing again."

On and on they went, Ada pushing Sutton, Sutton pulling Ada, their teammates buoying them from far below.

And then they reached the penultimate rung. Sutton looked above her head, at the one rung left to scale--the one that would surely require her to yank herself up with all the strength her body possessed.

But Ada was shaking. She had leaned her forehead against the crook of her right arm, which reached above her head, gripping onto the final rung. Her eyes were shut tight. Her face was sweaty all over.

"Ada?"

Ada gulped on the air. When she exhaled, her breath was trembling.

"Ada? You alright?"

Ada couldn't even move her head off her arm. She continued to draw long, shaky breaths while she stood there paralyzed. Down on the ground, Sutton's colleagues kept shouting encouragement.

"Hey, Ada, hey," Sutton whispered, shuffling sideways to her, keeping her hands on the rung above. "It's alright."

"Can't," Ada panted.

"Yes you can. Come on. I'll help you."

Ada breathed hard. In, out. In, out. Beads of sweat peppered the sepia skin of her neck. Sutton had a searing desire to hold her.

"I can't believe you remembered my fear of heights," Ada breathed.

Sutton leaned her forehead into her arm. "You used to be the most important person in my life," she said. "I remember everything about you."

Ada opened her eyes. She looked at Sutton in a way Sutton had never been looked at before. Like Ada could see everything about her in an instant. Like she knew every hidden, precious corner of Sutton's heart, and she had the power to destroy or restore her with that knowledge. Sutton stood there and opened herself to the searing of Ada's eyes, and it felt like she was naked on that stupid rung of wood, strung between two trees, between the present and the past.

"I'm scared," Ada said.

"I know," Sutton said. "So am I."

They held each other's eyes for an infinite moment, and Sutton knew they were on the verge of something--

"Let me push you up first this time," she said, reaching for Ada's hand. "I won't let anything happen to you."

Ada looked down to their clasped hands.

"I promise, Ade," Sutton said.

Ada met her eyes for a splintering second, and then she jerked her hand and body away.

"Ada?"

"I can't do this."

"You can! We can do this!"

"No, Sutton," Ada said, pressing her eyes shut, "we can't."

Sutton's breath stalled. The adrenaline drained from her blood. She stood there in shock, paralyzed 40 feet above the ground.

"Can you lower me?!" Ada shouted down to the guides.

There seemed to be confusion on the ground. Sutton looked down to see her colleagues standing in silence, their tiny faces squinting up in concern.

"Are you sure?!" Evan called up.

Ada didn't answer him. Nor did she look at Sutton. She squeezed her eyes and pulled her lips into her mouth. There was pain in her expression.

Sutton looked back to the ground. "We're sure," she called, her voice catching in her throat.

It's near midnight, mid-July, when Sutton finally breaks. She's on AIM again, checking her buddy list obsessively, when the familiar chiming sound goes off to notify her that Ada has signed on.

Though Sutton has been signing on all summer, this is the first time she's seen Ada online in weeks.

She hovers over Ada's screen name for a long 10 seconds, her heart beating wildly. She clicks on it before she loses her nerve.

selygirl64: hey

She can hardly breathe as she waits for Ada to respond. When the IM window shows that Ada is typing, Sutton scoots her dad's office chair closer to the computer screen, her eyes burning.

adawholep1zza: hey

Sutton breathes.

selygirl64: how are u?

selygirl64: can we talk?

adawholep1zza: can't. bye

The computer speakers thud with that echoing door-closing sound, and Ada is gone.

Sutton drives to Ada's house. Rascal Flatts' "What Hurts the Most" comes on the radio. She has to change the station.

She parks in the driveway behind Ada's hand-me-down SUV and lets her headlights linger on the license plate. The mere sight of Ada's car makes her ache. It's been too many days since she's been in that car, her legs brushing against the old seat cloth, her sinuses clogging from the 'Summer Rain' car freshener.

She goes around to the back of the house, where the basement door is hidden beneath the deck. She hopes Ada is still down in the basement, maybe still sitting in front of the computer. She doesn't want to text her and beg her to come down from her bedroom.

She knocks on the door--the special knock, the one they drummed up last year after they learned how to drive--and waits.

She hears movement. She watches through the window as Ada approaches the door, her expression serious.

Ada opens the door and stands plainly in front of her, one hand still on the doorknob. She says nothing.

Sutton takes her in. Lets her eyes absorb everything they haven't been able to see for weeks. Ada's skinny legs and her green Soffe shorts. Her white tank top and her half-moon necklace. Her hair, not straightened for once--perhaps the first time since they graduated--pulled into a loose bun with flyaway curls. The hurt in her eyes, the downward turn of her mouth.

Sutton swallows. "I need to talk to you."

Ada shifts her eyes away, as if looking at Sutton is too hard. "There's nothing more to talk about."

"No, there is--I need to apologize."

"You already apologized."

"But not like this," Sutton pleads. "Ada, I get it--I mean, I understand why you were upset, I understand I broke something between us--"

"Let it go, Sutton. We have to move on."

"No we don't--"

"There's too much messiness now. We can't just--erase everything and go back to how we used to be."

"We can, though. We can work at it. Ada, come on--"

"No," Ada says, half-whispering, half-crying. "I don't--I don't trust you anymore. I used to have every conviction about you and me. About us understanding each other. But I think--maybe you never understood me in the first place."

Sutton lets the thickness build in her throat. Her esophagus burns. "But I love you," she says.

Ada shuts her eyes, shakes her head to deny the words.

"Please," Sutton begs. "I won't hurt you again. I promise, Ade."

Ada wipes away tears. "We're leaving for college next month anyway," she says, her voice shaking. "Maybe it's better this way."

"Of course it's not!" Sutton cries.

Ada looks heartbrokenly at her, and Sutton sees the decision in her eyes.

"Bye, Sutton," Ada says, and she closes the door.