TWO

★Kiara★

When I return from Starbucks to the dorm I don't see Lucille. I'd been gone for around two hours hanging out with Deven, but we were both exhausted so we decided to return back to our dorms. They're going to a college in Boston, so they don't live far, but with the city traffic and—of course—school, we probably won't get to see each other much.

I shut the door, locking it behind me. I slip off my boots and sit on my bed. It's a decent sized dorm. There's a kitchen to the left of the entryway, in the same room as the beds and desks. The right wall perpendicular to the door has the bathroom and the closet doors. Lucille's bed is also parallel to that wall, pushed up against it.

My bed is opposite to hers, in the far left corner from the door. My desk is right beside the end of my bed along the same wall, followed by my dresser. Lucille's desk is almost directly across from mine on her wall, though I'm now noticing slightly off. That's annoying.

Lucille has decorated most of her half it seems. She's put a floral duvet on her bed and has set up a light pink desk chair. Shes put up fairy lights near her bed. There's a book on her nightstand beside the lamp. I have a nightstand and lamp too, both items the school had provided for us. I notice a camera on her desk. I'm already scheming with what I could do. Just taking a single battery out could ruin her day...

I look down at the floor in front of the closet, and there is no green stain. She really did clean the Mountain Dew. I have to admit, I was feeling a little bad about that one, but seeing as it didn't stain I don't feel as guilty.

I hear the bathroom door open. I saw the bathroom earlier. It's not huge, but it's still really nice to have our own. It might actually be bigger than my bathroom from home.

Lucille steps out. She's in a light blue sparkly dress now. It's cut halfway down her thighs, thin straps over her shoulders. It's a nice color on her, I've got to say.

"What?" She says, catching me looking. She's so worked up just by me staring. It's funny.

"Nothing... I see you took care of the stain." I acknowledge as she steps further into the room.

"Asshole." She mutters. She's put up a mirror above her desk. She sits down at the chair, taking a lip gloss out of a small bag on the desk, applying it to her lips.

"You going out on the first night?"

"Mhm." She hasn't told me to shut up directly, but that single noise she's just made gets the same message across.

She combs her fingers through her hair. I notice she has acrylic nails on. They're a similar shade of blue to her dress, little gemstones and silver accents on top.

She seems to have styled her hair. Springy blond curls hanging around her head. Earlier it was just wavy, which I'm assuming is her natural hair. The curls make it look a whole inch shorter, no longer than her chin.

"Where are you going though?" I ask. I have to admit, I'm a little curious. Also jealous. She hasn't even been here 5 hours and she's going to talk to more people than I've even seen in the past 24 hours.

I've always been a loner, but I really want to change that. I don't want to die alone, but I definitely will at the current rate I'm going. I hate people, but my loneliness is embarrassing. Yeah, I have social anxiety but aren't you supposed to step out of your comfort zone? Even though it's comfortable, and it's all you've ever known?

"Some frat party with my friends." She says, standing from the chair, beginning to slip on black heels.

"Where?" I can do this. I can definitely go to a frat party. That is, if she gives me the location.

"I didn't take you for the party type... But okay." She turns to face me. I catch her eyes. That dress really brings out their color. They're a grey-ish blue. I noticed them earlier too. I don't like giving people who are rude to me compliments, but I think it's fine if I don't say it out loud: her eyes are beautiful.

She does decide tell me the address, and then leaves.

I know that I'm going to regret this. Like one-hundred percent, but I can't not show up now. So I guess I'd better get ready. Fuck.

I don't want to go to fucking party, what the hell is wrong with me? There are other ways to meet people, Kiara. I'd invite Deven, but again, they go to a school in Boston. They also have plans with some other friends tonight.

Deven is my only friend. We have a few common interests we fangirl over whenever we hang out, but we don't talk about deep personal stuff. They went to school with me in Buffalo, but they had dozens of friends. Closer friends. I wasn't usually the first choice, but they made time for me. I could always appreciate that.

I don't know if I want to have a friend to talk deep, personal stuff with because that would entail me opening up to people. I can't just go around trauma dumping on people. But I don't want to make a friend that leaves me behind when I say too much. That's usually how it goes, so I've stopped trying.

I just want one person who understands. Who I can show the real me. And I know for a fact I'm not going to find that kind of person at a frat party.

But I'm going anyway. Woohoo.

★ ★ ★

I'm driving to the address now. Cars are already lining the street. It's only 7 PM now, the sun is just beginning to set but clearly it's not too early for a bunch of dumb college kids to party.

As I drive by it's very easy to tell what house is supposed to be the party. People are scattered on the lawn, and I can hear the bass drum of whatever music is playing through the walls of my car. Annoying...

I have to loop around to find somewhere to park, but I find a spot eventually.

I start to walk up to the house, taking a few breaths on the way. I still have no idea why I'm actually doing this, but it's not like I can just turn back now.

I didn't bother getting dressed up super nice, but I did change and reapply my makeup. I'm in the black jeans, a black cropped top and a green flannel. I have a silver necklace on too, it has a piece of peridot on it. I'm not sure if it's real peridot, or some kind of impersonation, but I'm about 80% sure that's what it is.

I start to walk up the path to the front porch. I glance around and see a couple violently making out on the lawn and am immediately disturbed. It's not even fully dark yet. EVERYONE could see.

The front door is wide open and I step inside. There are a few machines that flash colorful lights around the rooms, but otherwise it's dark. The music is loud and overwhelming. I do not want to be here.

I find my way to the kitchen. It's more tame in here. It's just as loud, but not as many people jumping around and dancing to the music. There's a guy making some fancy drink for a girl. He looks like the copy & paste frat boy stereotype. 50 bucks his name is Chad.

He hands the drink over to the girl. It's an unnatural shade of blue. Like Windex color. Maybe this guy's name is actually Jason Dean...

Apparently I've been staring, which he notices. Now he's approaching me. Great.

"Hey, you want a drink too, hun?" He asks, nodding his head at me. I don't like this man.

"I'm good." I say, but quickly notice that I'm way too quiet over the music in here. "I'm good!" I yell.

"Alrighty. If you need anything you know where to find me. I'm tonight's makeshift bartender." He says it like it's a noble title. He returns to where he was standing before. At least he backed off. Much appreciated, Chad.

I walk out of the kitchen, just looking around the crowded house. This is miserable. Why the hell do people find this fun?

I'm also pretty sure I'm dissociating. Everything feels like a dream...

I find a back door. There's a large yard with a small bonfire burning. I open the door, stepping out onto the steps down. I don't think I realized how loud it actually is inside. There's a stark difference to out here.

I go down the stone steps, just loitering around. I came here to meet people in hopes of being less lonely. I am clearly delusional. I've talked to one person.

I look up at the sky, seeing a single star that's appeared in the sky. The sun is close to set now.

"Hey." A deep voice says beside me. My head snaps down, looking to the guy that's appeared. He's probably 6 feet in height, just a few inches taller than me. He has brunette hair, blue eyes. I guess he's conventionally attractive, though if he's looking for love or a hookup, he is not in the right place.

"Hi." Is all I reply with. I should say more. Why the fuck am I so awkward?

"You, uh, with anyone tonight?" He purses his lips, waiting for my response. I can't tell if he's as awkward as I am or if I'm just killing the vibe.

"No..." I should probably tell him.

"Cool... You wanna dance or drink or something?"

Yeah, I should tell him... "I'm a lesbian."

"Oh. My b." He holds his hands up, and backs off. He reenters the house.

That wasn't supposed to be a way of saying  "Fuck off, never talk to me again", but it seems it was interpreted that way. I'm not really complaining though. I'm surprised at the respectfulness of the two guys I've spoken with thus far. We'll see if that changes.

I should go back inside. I can do this. Probably.

I go back in, and nope. I can't do this anymore. I don't even know why I've bothered. Everyone here is looking to hangout with their friends, or to fuck. I don't have friends to hangout with, and I am definitely not in the right mental state to fuck.

I'm about to make way to the front door but Lucille is right there. I don't want her to see me leaving already. Leaving alone. I'm still trying to hold up the nonchalant, confident bad-bitch front with her.

I turn around. Maybe I can go out the back door? But there was a fence... Dammit. Why the fuck am I like this?

I see a girl leaving a room. It's a bathroom. So you know what? Screw it.

I slip into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I feel like I can breathe a little better in here. It's small, but there isn't 200 people around me. I look into the mirror. I look like shit. My eyes are wide and glossy. My hair has already begun sticking up from the humidity. I turn around, I don't want to look at myself any longer.

I just stay there, leaning against the countertop. I take a few long breaths. I'll just hide in here for a bit and then I can flee. At least I can say I tried.

I think what I hate the most right now is the tight feeling in my throat. And the stinging in my eyes. I have no reason to be crying right now. So I won't. It's pathetic.

No tears will leave my eyes. I will not consent to it. But clearly, tears do not care about consent. And what is now not very clear is my vision, which has become blurry. I squeeze my eyes closed, feeling a small streak of dampness roll down my cheek.

I hate this. I hate this so much.

There's a knock on the bathroom door. Well, more of a bang. "In a minute!" I choke out. Ugh. Embarrassing.

I wipe my teary eyes with the sleeve of my flannel, taking in a shaky breath. There's more banging on the door. I need to leave now. So much for trying to be Michael in the bathroom. Though, I suppose the knocking is more accurate...

I take a final breath, and go to open up the door. But I can't hear knocking anymore.

Nah, I'm kidding. The banging has actually gotten more demanding and angry. Vulgar comments have begun to be shouted.

I unlock the door, quickly noticing that the demanding asshole is Lucille. The girl who's the whole reason I'm in here. So this is basically all her fault.

She recognizes it's me too, and scowls. At least she couldn't notice my red eyes with the dark and colored lights in here. That would be more embarrassing. I'm not in the mood to make a snarky or teasing comment. Not even to scowl back. I brush past her and get the fuck out of this house.

★ ★ ★

Within seconds of reentering the dorm, I've flopped onto my stomach on my bed. I don't even bother getting changed. It's not like I was in these clothes all that long.

It's only just becoming 9 PM, but I'm done for the day. So fucking done.

I pass out within minutes, clutching my Pou stuffed animal close.